What's going down in da hood?

So, whats been going on that has prevented me from blogging in so long you ask? Well, as before when I've taken long breaks - a mixture of happiness and being just too busy. Tonight I got home at 6.30 and as I'm unable to work out in the lead up to the big HALF on Sunday I'm kinda like heck, what do I do for the next 5 hours until it's time to sleep?? I feel restless not being active - that IS my chill out time.

Well let's look at one thing at a time...

Love

Love is good, more than good, excellent! 9 months into being "home" and 9 months of bliss with my man. Who'd have thought that years of confusion could turn into something so wonderful. We've been to see the mortgage advisor and in all honesty, it didn't go so well. With me on the lowest salary I've had since before university and him being self employed its hard to get the money we know we could afford to borrow. BUT we're working at it. With him doing an extra 2 hours a day and me working evenings and weekends we are pulling in more money and working together to build up our deposit. We will go for another appointment at the end of the tax year, at that point we will go with what we have and find our home. Be it the "dream" home or not, it will be ours.

Work

Work. My God, never did I imagine that you could actually get out of work in the morning without a struggle. I love my company. For the last 4 weeks I have covered someones role who is more senior than mine (same as the role I applied for and didn't get) and enjoyed every second of feeling stressed, using my brain and being tired. Now she is back, I just keep pushing on and on with taking more responsibilities wherever possible, coming up with ideas, taking on new projects and it's being noticed. I will get there, I've made my mark. Alongside the everyday work, I am furthering my dream role at the company - to be on air. I have been noticed. I'm doing on air links, learning how to use adobe, creating podcasts, managing focus groups, I even have my own commercial to raise awareness of the money I am raising for charity by running the half marathon. I am praying so so hard that I get a pay rise when I have my 6 month review. Please, if more than anything, I deserve it because I have worked so bloody hard. and, more importantly I love it.

Play

Running, running and more running. Looking forward to a trip to Foxhills Spa with the boy (my reward from my line manager for working so hard to cover my colleagues work), a holiday to Norway to visit A&F, weddings (not mine - ha!), and concerts a plenty over the summer - 3 so far - Scouting For Girls (who I happened to meet at work just the other day - another perk of the job), BEP (with Cheryl Cole supporting) and FOTC. Awesome. Fighting the resistance of comparing my relatively normal weekends to the road trips we use to take in Malaysia but I need to accept, I am here now and this is how life is. But I can handle it - I've never felt so normal, so content and so happy.

Other stuff...

There's been some lows... some very very lows. Finding out my step mum was pregnant and that the baby had died whilst still growing inside her and therefore losing my baby brother was probably most hard (of course that is the abbreviated version). The growing desire (and hassle) to meet my little half sister who lives a stone throw away from me and living at home and so very desperate to live with my love. All challenging and some big changes in my future to follow no doubt. Oh and did I mention I have managed 77 days with no alcohol - insane! I know. 3 months is up on the 1st April - bring on the G&T!

OK, so there you have it... a little summary from me to you. It felt quite nice to share with you. Til next time, I'll try and not leave it quite so long this time...

Gotta Keep Going

Yesterday was a bad day from beginning to end and I know I need to pull myself out of this slump of being miserable and shedding too many tears.

Last night I bailed out on having a girls night out with my colleagues and just wanted to go home and get into bed. Instead Mada dragged me down to a quiet pub with our best mates and despite my objections, the distraction worked and it cheered me up.

This quiet weekend I am working on boosting my moral and getting back on top of things. Already I feel better today, to the point where Mada said "I've missed you, I'm so glad you're back". What a saint to put up with me at times!

Next weekend is looking promising - I'm working Saturday morning which will be extra money and with the prospect of doing an on air link, followed by training on how to drive the desk with a mate in the arvo. Keep pushing and I know I'll see results. I hope that result includes reaching my dreams as well as an increment in my salary - totally selfish but totally how I feel.

Happiness is Divine!

As the old saying goes - time flies when you're having fun.

I can't seem to breathe for a spare second at the moment but I will not complain one bit. I'm probably the happiest I have felt in a long time, maybe a few years. That's not to say I haven't had good times in the last few years (because I most certainly have) but I would say that overall I have a better balance - with happy times majorly out weighing any bad times.

Love is good. Work is good. And these are the two things that have been tiresomely bothering to me over the last year or so. That's really why I started full time blogging in the first place.

I feel like there is constantly so much to write about and catch up on - I see people in the streets and think how what i saw would make a funny or interesting entry. I feel a flutter in my heart or a niggle in my belly but by the time i get round to writing the moment has passed and the passionate ideas i had conjured up - disappeared. Oh well!

Now I'm working I'm trying to re balance all the important things in my life. Friendship for one has taken a backdrop. My first week I was exhausted and mentally retarded by 6pm so I didn't work out or see anyone all week (I know, shock horror!), last week, I managed to get to the gym on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. This week, I hope for the same work outs and also see BD on Tuesday and maybe another friend over the weekend.

Gradually in time I hope I can balance it all again.

It was so fabulous to finish work on Friday at 5.30 on the dot, grab the early train home without a worry in the world and knowing that some of my work for Monday had already been done and I only needed to client "send" this morning. Wow, you can't imagine the feeling!!

As the rentals have been on holiday Mada and I have made use of the alone time. Of course there has been lots of sexy time but more importantly it's been great, cooking together, chilling out in our PJ's and just feeling relaxed together. He was also a little distress after my first week in work as he saw me so much less - same amount of days, but less hours, so we rectified that this weekend.

As something nice, I took him to London Zoo on Saturday and we had such a laugh together - i have decided my new favourite animal is the Meerkat - so funny to watch! We followed that by taking a visit to China Town where he tried dim sum for the first time and LOVED it - I was so delighted! Planning to ask BD and Chris to come with us next time for the complete works. We came home and ate chocolate and drank milk in bed - perfect. HaHa! It was probably the nicest weekend I've had since I've been back. Sunday night all the cousins and partners got together at my cousin's house, it was a really nice, relaxed evening.

Well, must get on with what I'm paid to do - work to be done, but only just enough to keep me busy for the whole day ;o) Again, I shall not complain - for now! I have my first 121 with my manager at 2pm - fingers crossed it goes well. I think it will ;o)

Another new beginning...

I've been a bit slack and a bit dull on the blogging front. Only because I was unemployed... but YES! Finally! I have a job! THE job, that I was hoping for, the radio station job. After finally hearing from my future manager at 17.28 on Friday afternoon it was confirmed that I will be starting with my new company the day after my half marathon - hahaha! Out of all the dates to start my new job, having been unemployed for 3 months I just HAVE to go and start the day after running 13.1 mils - don't I?? Oh well, I shan't complain, I am most happy :o) So, just under two weeks of freedom left and I'm using the time to run all those errands I put off, to skype and email friends from afar and spend time with my boyfriend, family and friends.

Over the weekend it was my Shrub's birthday so we planned a surprise meal for her at Jamie's Itallian, a Jamie Oliver restuarant in Kingston . Wasn't sure if it would be mega expensive and commercial but it was a complete delight! The food was delicious, the atmosphere funky/ laid back/ cool and the company, well obviously was second to none (went with Shrub, Billy and the boy).

This week I'm still busy busy, with going up to Standford Bridge tonight for a Chelsea match, Coldplay on Saturday and the half marathon the following Sunday - eek. All lots of fun.

Have decided that October will be all about work - I need to budget carefully, crack down with my job and chill out a little so really, I feel like everything falls into place well. Before we know it, it will be Christmas, 2009 is turning out to be quite the year I had hoped, wished and prayed for ;o)

I bought "Excel for dummies" today as I noticed my work uses it A LOT just in the few hours I was there... best crack on with actually learning how to auto-sum figures, rather than typing in the sum having calculated it on an actual calculator - yes, that isn't a joke i DO do that :o)

PLEASE let me get this job.

Tomorrow is the big day. At 11.30 I have my interview with the radio station. In preparation for the interview I was sent a form to complete - giving answers to questions on leadership, goal orientation, innovation and change, customer focus (you name it!).

I stayed up until 2AM last night to complete it and woke up early to read it over again and make any changes before sending it back via email.

I really want this job. The salary is absolutely shocking BUT all in all, something tells me this job may be fate. To have come full circle and end up finally using my degree in a field worthy of it, would be so fantastic.

I know I can get this job, I know it. I have to get this job. I WILL get this job.

Send lucky thoughts, hang up horse shoes, pick four leaved clovers, pray, find the leprechaun sitting on a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and tell me to break a leg!

Titleless

I have been unemployed for nearly 3 months.

Bored.

Being unemployed really does suck. I know you may already know this, but, I'm just reconfirming that indeed, it does.

The hardest part is to try and find the motivation to look. There are SO many jobs out there, but none of which I want to do. If i was desperate i could start work tomorrow, but alas, I'm holding out for a decent job.

Having said that, I'm getting to my witts end (or, not far off) with it. I'm very fortunate to have such a supportive family, boyfriend and circle of friends. On Monday I'm going to actually drop into my local recruitment agency and have a chat with them and in the meantime, I'm considering some "cash in hand" work down my local pub - the manager goes to our gym and my friends and I know him relatively well.

The good part of all of this, is that although it is getting me down, I still know in my heart, that coming home was the right decision.

No more blogging today, not a lot of inspiration today. Think I'll take a drive down to Starbucks and meet up with my Mum.

Mind Control

You can feel that old sensation seeping in
It crawls in through your skin and seeps into your mind
You try to shake it off, ignore it, pretend it doesn't exist
But it's there hovering at your surface

You can try hard to over ride it but its persistence will ultimately test you
Just because you're back physically doesn't mean the mental torture is there too
You're a changed person, you're not who you were
You're stronger than this, you can beat it
Cut it off now, before it cuts you.

Feeling Blue

I feel really, really down today and I don't know why...

Job hunting is progressing, Mada and I are doing well, I'm on the way to getting a car and I even ran 10 miles in 1hour 29mins with my sister today.

Maybe it's lack of sleep, every night this week I've been at Mada's and we've just been up until about 3am each time talking about us, the past, the future. It's amazing how well you can know some one but still, there is so much more to learn.

Maybe we talked too much about my past, Mada knows about my history but talking about it all kinda brought it all back, so maybe that's why I have plummeted down. But he was so lovely and wanted to understand more about it. I'm never scared to talk to him, just takes me a while to open up, and I will, in time and he knows that.

I'm sure a good meal and bottle of wine (with Mada and friends) and a good night's sleep will help. We're of to an Italian Restaurant in Virginia Waters - very nice place.

Our friends have just bought their house together so we are having a little celebration.

Dream Job Dillema

Hhhm.

So, i got the interview for the Learning Support Assistant (TA) job, it's this coming Wednesday. Which is great. But, I have this niggling feeling now of whether or not i really want to throw myself into this whole new career.

I have applied for another job, and it is, the DREAM job.

In a nutshell, the title is Programme Coordinator and its for a charity/ company who organise experiences for young adults (age 17-25) to travel abroad and teach. Their head office is in Reading but they have sub offices in Australia and NZ.

The job would involve managing the programmes, the people on them, prepping the young adults and their families on what to expect, keeping in contact with them whilst they're out in the field, relaying with embassies - the works. It's like, the perfect job.

I get to deal with all the things I have done and would love for other people to experience and i get to organise it all for them and share their experience, whilst getting to stay put here - but with the possibility of short trips to the sites and sub offices - fantastic! The best of both!

The job requires someone who has a degree, managerial experience and travelled/ lived abroad - all of which i have done. I am just praying that my testimony in the app will get me through. I sent the ap today and tomorrow is the closing date.

If I could just simply get the interview for next week and then find out at the same time if either will make an offer, life would be brilliant. I really want this job, I mean, the teaching would be great and I'm comfortable with taking that career path but this, this would just be simply awesome.

Please God, help me succeed. Work has been so hard to so long, I'd love to have this opportunity to be able to know, feel and say "i love my job".

Fingers and toes crossed :)

Fluffy Pink Clouds

Whilst on the subject of "happiness" Mada is playing the role of "boyfriend" extremely well. Starting with saving my life last night after an upset at home, which resulted in his requirement of a rescue. And then, by calling me about an hour before my appointment this morning and wishing me luck - good lad ;)

Yesterday we had a BBQ around my friends house and Mada's best friend and I (also one of my good friends) had a D&M. Haha. They are all so happy over our "relationship" and I am too.

Things are going from strength to strength, starting with a surprise party that him, Butdunc and Shrub organised for me on Saturday and then the BBQ yesterday.

Last night I couldn't stop cuddling him tight and smiling, I am so happy that we are FINALLY together. He keeps saying "it just feels natural, doesn't it?" I have to say, i totally agree. I am one happy bunny. It feels good, to feel so happy. It's been a long time.

An appointment with the Headmaster...

I had my appointment with the Head of the School this morning, which subsequently turned into an offer of applying for the School's Teacher Assistant position, starting this September - :):):)

Harris explained to me that an advert (a one liner) has gone into the local newspaper but as he already had me in mind he will send me the application forms directly (inadvertently implied that I will be given priority on the position).

Should i get the job I will literally be working about 25 hours a week (in at 9 and out by 3.15) everyday with no "after school" additional work, which means that although I will be taking an astronomical pay cut, I will be in a position to take on a second job to keep some form of income coming in and to pay my parents rent.

He also explained that as a TA for the School they will then be able to sponsor me to undertake the PGCE which, in Layman's terms means that I will not have to pay any tuition fees whilst studying for the year (at either Reading or Guildford) AND possibly they financially support me?? I'll need to look into it.

What a positive start to the week. I can't believe I've been back 10 days and things are going so well, so far. I'm so happy. I pray to God that I will be given this opportunity and start a new career in something I am truly passionate about.

One small step for Bubs... one giant leap for my self esteem :)

It's not WHAT you know, it's WHO you know

Feeling much more positive and upbeat today after a fantastic day with my Sister yesterday. We ran 5 miles around Virginia Waters (I forgot just HOW beautiful it is there) followed by a pub lunch in the sun.

The weather here is gorgeous, which helps make the move back that much easier. We burnt our noses and shoulders would you believe.

In the afternoon we went shopping which was torturous (I resisted to buying anything - even a dress in Oasis which was reduced to £25!! Gargh!).

In the evening we went to her apartment and Billy ate with us. It was so cool for the 3 of us to be back together. My two favourite people to be with :)

We talked about my plans and Billy kindly offered to call his Brother who is Head of the 2nd top school in Surrey. I am now scheduled to go and meet him (date TBC) to get some help on teaching courses and who knows, maybe he'll be able to offer me a Teaching Assistant post at his school, starting in September or recommend me for another school. I can only hope and pray.

If i can get a post as a TA (Teacher Assistant) this means I can apply for my Mortgage as if you work for the Government there are special "deals" you can get. Then, I could go to college NEXT year once I have my mortgage and apartment. I think realistically I'll need to get a second job - but I don't mind, I'm use to hard work.

Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, but i sincerely hope not. Just think, that would give me about 8 weeks of summer to play with/ get a part time job/ go to Africa for a few weeks and then I could press on with LIFE in September.

Exciting...

Today the weather is spanking once again. So luckily my Sister has 2 days off work back to back, so we are taking a roadtrip down to Bournemouth Beach together - :) Best go pack up my bag, including my SLR so I can get some good shots and show my friends back in KL and HK that the UK isn't so bad either ;)

Another year older, another year wiser?

What a week! Since I've blogged I finished my travels in Vietnam which included our overnight boat cruise around Ha Long Bay - which was absolutely fabulous and drunken fun!



Returning to KL I had an overnight stop before getting up at 04.00 to go to HK for my birthday. Getting to sleep at 01.30 led me to sleep through my 2 alarm clocks and I was woken at 04.30 by the pre booked taxi driver asking where i was - thank God I booked. I skipped the Bus from KL Sentral and headed straight to the airport.

HK was a blast and as usual didn't disappoint. The weather held out for our Junk and I got massively drunk aboard deck - whoops! We had a fantastic time. The morning of my birthday was a hike for H and I up to Victoria Peak and brunch in a really nice restaurant called the Peak Cafe. Perfect.

One of my friends works for Coach and told me to swing by for a 50% (!!!) discount :):):) I ended up buying not one bag but three pieces - a bag, wallet and evening bag - but with 50% discount I'd be foolish not to! haha.



Eventually made it back to KL at about 02.00 this morning. Off to the gym now to rediscover my abs and then the removal guys will arrive at 11 to drop off my boxes - and so the hard work begins. Although I know that in the end - the leaving will be harder than the packing itself.

Wow, I'm 26. Ticking new boxes (26-30) now and a massive change is ahead, and as usual, I wonder, what on earth I will be doing this time next year - now this one is a REAL thinker...

Langkawi Low

Just got home after a long weekend in Langkawi with friends. The majority of it was great, spending time with my friends was my main priority, second to that was relaxing in the sun and third to that was exploring, so yeh we did all that and more, so all in all a good weekend.

Couldn't help but feel like shit today though and it really put a dampner on the whole weekend for me. I don't know what brought it all on, I have a feeling it had something to do with the book I was reading. Yet again, I just finished ANOTHER Jodi Picoult book - I think this is probably my 7th or 8th of hers. It was a goodie too, although, I seldom read a book of hers and don't love it - she is my favourite author.

I like the way she writes as all books are written in different naratives by different characters and always surrounds a situation that requires a court verdict. By writing the book in different character's persepctives you gain an all round inside to how each character feels and overall a very good story. She also always ends with a bitter-twisted ending (Which I'm afraid Jodi, I sussed out this time, way before the end).

She always has one plot and then usually one or two sub plots (which can often be more interesting than the main plot) but they all interlink.

The main plot was of a young girl who suffered from OI (osteogenesis imperfecta) and her Mother who was sueing her best friend who was the obstetrician for malpractice, after missing the 'signs' on the U/S and not having the choice to abort her Daughter (its more complicated than that, but thats the gist of it) the Sister of the little girl, who, in the midst of feeling so negelcted suffered from bulimia and self harmed and the Lawyer who, as it transpired, was adopted and on a quest to find her "real" Mother.

Whilst reading the book i felt overwhelmed with how Ms Picoult was able to portray how the young girl who self harmed (Amelia) felt, why she did what she did and how it helped her cope with her everyday living. Having self harmed from the age of 13 - 21 it was all a little "too much" to read at times, yet I felt engrosed to read more.

During my readings, I obviously had times where I was interacting with my friends/ doing stuff. I can't remember how we got onto the conversation but we started discussing whether or not it was right to 'cain' (or physically tell a child off) when they had done wrong. My friends were firmly in the mind that it WAS ok, but then, they have been bought up in a culture where kids do get disciplined in that way both in the home and at school. I am very anti it. Having taught children in an evironment where they WERE cained, I have been able to keep control (albeit struggled) through the power of speech. And telling off a child by making them feel EMOTIONALLY what is right and what is wrong - i.e tapping into their conscionce and teaching them what is MORALLY right and wrong by their HEART and not by physical pain.

We bounced a few comments about and I mentioned that as a child my Father had hit me and I had very little respect for him. Whereas my Mother had not, yet I have more respect for her and never disobeyed her whilst growing up. Bombies then said (something along the lines of) but its not the hand that hits - you are using a something to hit them with, and then "the hand has love" (or something close to that). The comment really really struck a nerve (pardon the pun) and I was just about ready to burst.

Whether it was the fact that my Father had slammed my Sister across the head with a rolled up newspaper (a hitting device, similar to a cain you might say) or whether he had punched his fist through our glass front door and splattered my face with blood (the hand of love) didn't matter. The hand did the action. Whether there was something in it or not.

And then of course, that led me to start thinking about my book and all the reasons why, throughout my adolescence i suffered from depression and anxiety - because of the violence i had experienced as a child, and more. So maybe yes, this is an extreme case but maybe you can understand why I think that physical punishment is NOT the answer.

Of course, I know my argument is very "right winged" but that is just my point of view. Extreme.

I'm sorry if I was irritable towards you this afternoon, it wasn't you personally but it was the discussion and our conflicting views. I tried to shake it but I couldn't. You see, you may know a lot about me, but of course, everyone has unearthed secrets, memories that scar you - both physically and mentally and at times, it's all you can do but scream out loud for all your inner pain that will always be at the back of your mind, lingering.

So back to Jodi's latest book - "Handle with Care" not only did she raise issues on self harm but also two other subjects - abortion and adoption. I have not experienced either of them myself. But this book was a real eye opener and has had a strong impact and lasting impression on my overall views of both.

I guess what was meant to be the trip to end all trips with my friends turned out to be one of self reflection and many, general wonderingments.

Needless to say, all this mental shit that was spinning around my head today, didn't change the fact that I had a great time, only that my mind isn't as well rested as I would have liked it to be. It also made me a little apprehensive about returning to the UK... because when I left the UK I left everything I have written about behind me. Will it all come back to haunt me? I know I am not the person I once was and I am very, very proud of that. I am beautiful now, inside and out.

But then, as JP wrote in this heart wrenching novel:

Maybe you have to leave in order to really miss a place; maybe you had to travel to figure out how beloved your starting point was.

I wonder where my starting point was...?

~ In hindsight this morning I realise this piece of writing is incredily honest, personal and direct. There are many ways to disguise what you blog about so that the reader doesn't read right into your soul. But sometimes, there is no other way than to just say it as it is. I'm not scared to talk about my past, I'm not ashamed, I am proud of overcoming it.

Owner of a lonely heart

I can't stop thinking about how much I miss my family and friends at home. I think spending the weekend with couples is what triggered it off. But then, isn't that every weekend?

I guess I just want somebody here to love too and love me in return (sad, pouting face). Going to sleep every night on your own and waking up on your own everyday sucks. I'm not just talking about the bedside chats but saying morning when making a cup of tea or someone asking how your day was as you step through the door.

I've always thought that i loved living alone and i do, i like my own space and my own privacy but i do miss just having someone around - whether it be my Mum or my sister or a partner or friend.

Underneath it all, I'm very lonely. Whilst couples sometimes make me feel lonely, they (my friends) do bring me love and happiness and all in all, a distraction to what I myself am essentially missing.

I'm thankful to have them and thankful that they have one another. Seeing them happy makes me feel happy inside, despite the twang they leave in my heart.

Is that twang jealousy? Maybe a little, yeh.

Do you get me?

I was having a really shitty day today and physically disconnected myself from my friends, early afternoon as was mentally absent.

I was sitting at my computer, at home, job hunting when CJ came on line, she told me she had downloaded skype "just for me" (lol, like i was suppose to appreciate that after 3 years of nagging!) and we ended up speaking for over an hour and having a real laugh.

It was so good to catch up with a friend, when i was feeling so homesick today, and in particular missing my friends. She filled me in on the latest gossip and all the funny goings on within our group of friends. My, my there WAS some very good gossip to be shared! :)

I told her I was coming back to the UK in August and she was ecstatic. The funny thing is, CJ and I have always had an on-off friendship since we first met at 13 but all the same, I do love her.

I really miss my friends today, but speaking with CJ certainly brought a smile and laughter lines to my face.

I'm looking forward to returning home.

Hhhhmmmm...

Something isn't right.

Mada went away for the weekend with friends and was back at work on Tuesday. I have seen him on msn three nights in a row whilst at the end of my day and he didn't say hi. He usually does first and i was so busy i didn't get a chance to say hi. On my way to the gym i sent him a hello text to see if he wanted to chat at the weekend and he sent me an EMAIL back. No "Katelin" and no kisses.

Something isn't right.

I also gained a kilo in two months.

That and the above, is enough to make anyone suicidal.

Feeling all philosophical

It's been a busy week, but not a stressful week. Busy weeks I can handle. I even managed 4 personal training sessions this week and with my fourth one this morning I dragged myself in, full of cold and with a chesty cough - exhausted! I imagine the last few weeks have finally taken their toll and landed me with a cold. But it's OK I don't feel like death, it's manageable. I'm taking lots of rest this weekend and am NOT SMOKING!

It's been so nice having some order back in my life, it's amazing how just half a dozen runs in a week and a half have started to pull my body back into shape again. Not that i have any form of eating disorder to draw on, but most people who know me well enough know that being comfortable in my body makes me a happier person. I am happier when i don't feel "fat". So i feel a bit better about my outside appearance this week. I have been making a conscious effort to cut crap out of my diet and eat responsibly. When I put my mind to it and do it, I do generally feel better.

Last week held a spot of bother, or "blogther" if you will, which resulted in me having to change my blog title and address for fear of being "discovered". Even though I want to be free and write whatever I fancy, i realise that it's not that easy. The last few months have been hard on me and i know at times i have written aggressively. So for now i remain even more anonymous with a silhouette picture and no other name to go by, other than the infamous "Bubs".

I discovered in the week when managing to catch A&F for dinner (i know, i actually have a social life again!) that they are returning to Norway in August. Hearing them process their thoughts aloud was encouraging. It's funny, for them, moving back home is not a failure, only time to move on. I wish i felt the same and to be fair, i am getting there. I guess i had it in my head that i would be an expat for ever and if i returned i would have failed. Failed what? People do this all the time, secondments and what not and they return. I need to get over myself! :P

I know deep down in my heart that if this itchy and torn feeling remained I couldn't go on, wondering what grown up life in the UK was all about. I have never lived in the UK as an adult. I pretty much left the UK in 2004 with my backpacking and then only returned a short while before moving to HK. So it is actually going to be a whole new adventure.

Although I'm not pining all my hopes on Mada and I working out, a part of me really really hopes that we can at least give it a go. I can't imagine, right now being with anyone else and so, i hope we can at least try. Saying that, despite returning to the UK I'm not entirely sure if I will settle down there straight away. Although it will be my base at the moment I'm thinking I will take a week or so out to get settle and see friends and family etc and then I would like to take some time out with either travel or community work abroad. I know Mada would love to do it too but he has his head fixed on doing things in a certain order first. We are very different like that. Perhaps I can coax him into spending just a few weeks "my way" just to see how life can be lived when you're just that little bit more carefree than society expects you to be. I want a house too (haha am i contradicting myself?), but I'm coming to realise that these things take time and all will fall into place. Somehow.

Everyone, despite what they have, has an element of wanting more, or doing better, or trying something new. I think it's in our nature. And I think I will always be one of those people, ever curious, ever wondering what more is out there. Why are some people just born restless and others are satisfied with what they have hu? Which is better, the drive to have more or the content to live your everyday life as it is laid out for you? Some times I wonder. Actually i lie, frequently, I wonder.

I'm feeling OK, although knowing that I'm returning only makes me want to get that ball rolling, undoubtedly the next few months are going to be restless but I hope they will be fun too! In one sense i just wanna get back to the UK but in another I want to hold onto my home, here, as long as possible. I may only have a handful of friends (literally) but they have been good to me over my time in Malaysia and I'll be full of sorrow to part with them. I hope that in a few years from now i'll be a little more settled and less "itchy" (haha so I DO want to be one of THOSE people, eventually) and that they will come visit me and I can be proud to show them how my life is in the UK.

My Equinox said that often I concentrate so hard on planning the future that I forget to live the now. I think it's very true. But sometimes you can't change a person's nature. When I reach my next plan will I stop planning or will I plan more? Or is that what life is all about? Trying to work it all out and finally, you reach 80 years old and you think, well, that wasn't so bad.

Despite all the turbulence I have endured (a large proportion self inflicted) I know when I'm 80, I'll have a tale to tell. I'll probably still be complaining that I never went to that place and I never did that though... that's just me.

"Bom ~ Bees"

I know, I know, it's late but I couldn't resist blogging whilst waiting for my gym clothes to get through the "quick" cycle. I ran out of clean shorts and working out in a sports bra and thong seems inappropriate. Although, it could be quite liberating.. anyway, where was i?

My mind is doing fireworks. Bombie and I sat in my car for ages tonight discussing futures, dreams and aspirations for our lives. This girl is so on my page. I have never met a friend that I can just look at and know EXACTLY what they are thinking. To the extent that it is almost a weeeee bit freaky. From the moment I met her, I never ever imagined we would even get on - ha! How wrong was i.

The discussion of starting a business was raised again. I've mentioned it to a few people in the past who have been all enthusiastic but I've always kinda known that they weren't actually "serious" about it. As suspected the girl was serious that time we "joked" about it all those months ago. I knew she was at the time. Bah! It's tempting. Simply because, I have absolutely nothing to lose. Only money. If it all goes tits up, I tried and I, hey hang on, I never fail :P

Our idea, for now I will keep under wraps, but we're aiming towards the same end result and what i like is that we were straight from the start even when we were still idolizing the idea. That it would be a business agreement. There would be contracts and agreements (and much as we both trust in "good faith"). I liked that we both agreed on that. I also like how strong she was over wanting to own half of the business. She wants to OWN the idea, not just be a part of it. Good girl.

Of course, its just vocalizing thoughts, but as I say it's tempting, I have no real idea what I want to do with my life and it incorporates so many of things in my life i do want.

This is worth putting some effort into. I wonder if it's doable... I have my thinking face on.