What's going down in da hood?

So, whats been going on that has prevented me from blogging in so long you ask? Well, as before when I've taken long breaks - a mixture of happiness and being just too busy. Tonight I got home at 6.30 and as I'm unable to work out in the lead up to the big HALF on Sunday I'm kinda like heck, what do I do for the next 5 hours until it's time to sleep?? I feel restless not being active - that IS my chill out time.

Well let's look at one thing at a time...

Love

Love is good, more than good, excellent! 9 months into being "home" and 9 months of bliss with my man. Who'd have thought that years of confusion could turn into something so wonderful. We've been to see the mortgage advisor and in all honesty, it didn't go so well. With me on the lowest salary I've had since before university and him being self employed its hard to get the money we know we could afford to borrow. BUT we're working at it. With him doing an extra 2 hours a day and me working evenings and weekends we are pulling in more money and working together to build up our deposit. We will go for another appointment at the end of the tax year, at that point we will go with what we have and find our home. Be it the "dream" home or not, it will be ours.

Work

Work. My God, never did I imagine that you could actually get out of work in the morning without a struggle. I love my company. For the last 4 weeks I have covered someones role who is more senior than mine (same as the role I applied for and didn't get) and enjoyed every second of feeling stressed, using my brain and being tired. Now she is back, I just keep pushing on and on with taking more responsibilities wherever possible, coming up with ideas, taking on new projects and it's being noticed. I will get there, I've made my mark. Alongside the everyday work, I am furthering my dream role at the company - to be on air. I have been noticed. I'm doing on air links, learning how to use adobe, creating podcasts, managing focus groups, I even have my own commercial to raise awareness of the money I am raising for charity by running the half marathon. I am praying so so hard that I get a pay rise when I have my 6 month review. Please, if more than anything, I deserve it because I have worked so bloody hard. and, more importantly I love it.

Play

Running, running and more running. Looking forward to a trip to Foxhills Spa with the boy (my reward from my line manager for working so hard to cover my colleagues work), a holiday to Norway to visit A&F, weddings (not mine - ha!), and concerts a plenty over the summer - 3 so far - Scouting For Girls (who I happened to meet at work just the other day - another perk of the job), BEP (with Cheryl Cole supporting) and FOTC. Awesome. Fighting the resistance of comparing my relatively normal weekends to the road trips we use to take in Malaysia but I need to accept, I am here now and this is how life is. But I can handle it - I've never felt so normal, so content and so happy.

Other stuff...

There's been some lows... some very very lows. Finding out my step mum was pregnant and that the baby had died whilst still growing inside her and therefore losing my baby brother was probably most hard (of course that is the abbreviated version). The growing desire (and hassle) to meet my little half sister who lives a stone throw away from me and living at home and so very desperate to live with my love. All challenging and some big changes in my future to follow no doubt. Oh and did I mention I have managed 77 days with no alcohol - insane! I know. 3 months is up on the 1st April - bring on the G&T!

OK, so there you have it... a little summary from me to you. It felt quite nice to share with you. Til next time, I'll try and not leave it quite so long this time...

Things are looking up again - or is it just PMA?

The weekend gave me sometime to think/ talk over how I was feeling and start afresh. With the support of my friends and family, it worked. I'm a firm believer that with PMA (positive mental attitude) comes positivity in your surroundings. Of course, it is hard to FEEL positive when you feel really low, so every now and then we just have to suck it up and suffer the consequences if we choose to be downbeat!

Already this week I managed to create some pretty good promos on Adobe (awaiting feedback!) and have been told that as part of my promotional work I'm doing on Saturday I will also get to do two on air links - joy! So I have effectively killed two birds with one stone - extra money and on air exposure. Sure it'll be just a minute or two but better than none!

I think this opportunity was given to me on the basis that my colleague who organises the promotional workers heard some of my "on air" work when we had "radio experience" last week, which is where effectively, you produce and record a "live" show - except it doesn't go on air. I got the role of "Showbiz Reporter" and have to say, sounded pretty nifty - or so everyone keeps telling me! I love Mada's face when he hears it, he just beams, he's so proud, bless. If only it were real!!

Baby steps, fingers crossed it all goes well for me on Saturday! The only way is up!

FML

Today I hit an all time low.

I arrived at the train station in time to buy my weekly 7 day season pass. It's £26.20. As I put in my pin the machine made a weird noise and told me that the authorization failed.

Reluctantly I realised that my funds must be low and so re did the transaction for just a return ticket (which is about £7). I put my pin in again and, once again my card was rejected.

Fuck. No money in my account and £3 in my wallet. I wracked my brains for a solution. Fortunately I knew I could get on the train as there is no barrier at the local station but I knew I wouldn't get through on the other side.

So I swallowed my pride and called Mada who quickly transferred £50 to my account (in case I was also overdrawn) so that I could pay at the other end - that was if the money would go through.

At the same time I had the train ticket checker guy asking me to show my ticket and so I had to wriggle my way out of paying by mouthing, I'll pay at the station whilst on the phone, feeling pretty tearful and embarrassed that I would have to explain why I couldn't pay then and there - in that, I'm fucking poor.

I arrived at my station and prayed that the money had transferred in time. Well thank God for Internet banking. It had transferred and I bought my pass and set off on my walk to my office.

Please tell me that one day and the hours and no money will pay off.... Morale is at an all time low :(

Bummed Out.

Community spirit is up around our hood, somehow the snow has united people. People also seem to be working together to make life easier. People are more friendly on the roads, they'll stop and help push your car if it gets stuck and they'll give you a hand if you slip over. The train waits just 5 seconds more for you to get on just in time and your boss doesn't yell at you for not showing up for work.

On the other side, so many people complain about the council not doing enough - roads not being gritted, train delays, power cuts for more than 48 hours. Yes it's cold, yes it's icy, yes its hard work but I wish people would look at the positive and good things that have come from the situation.

Whatever the council do, however perfect, fault will always be found. Why? Because we are British. We like to complain. We ought to be more thankful. I keep thinking of all those in Haiti. Surely they are worse off than us? Yes they are. So bare that in mind next time you moan about our country. We're doing alright.

It is hard though isn't it? To keep positive. I heard a quote I liked the other day by Winston Churchill:

"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."

I like this and it's very true. No matter how rubbish things are we must always look at the good in it all. Generally speaking, I believe I do but everyone has their off days (week, in my case).

Right now, I'm having a crap week and yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself. I feel like I have no direction in my career, I feel lost in the middle of it all, I want us to buy our house but we're yet to see our mortgage advisor and even begin looking and I miss my friends in KL dearly.

But of course, I continue to try and keep the positive in mind - I HAVE a job, I HAVE a home to live in, I HAVE friends (lovely friends) here. But it's hard, you know.

Everyday living seems monotonous, nothing to aim for, nothing to look forward to no targets to be met, no achievements to be made.

I know its just a moo(!) point and it will pick up soon. I guess this is just everyday, reality. Maybe I should just suck it up, and deal with it.

Year End

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and our last day of work before Christmas. We finish at 1 and then will be in and out of the office until 4th Jan. The majority of time I'll be off though - yeh!

I didn't get the promotion, despite feeling like i was led to believe that I would do by my manager. I feel OK about it as I know I'll get there in time but at the same time can't help but feel like I've let both myself and Mada down.

I guess we'll just have to work extra hard at saving to get our house next year. We WILL have our house by next year. I'll make sure of it!

I'll be wrapping all my Christmas presents tonight and I'm excited to do so, especially my presents for Mada which I have put so much thought into - I hope he likes them.

Last night a few of us went for dinner at The Bee. Although pricey, the place has undergone a complete revamp and the food was AMAZING.

I love Christmas time, so much time to spend with friends and family. The best parts being midnight mass tomorrow night, waking up next to Mada and sharing Christmas day with my whole family - yay!

To 2010! Woho!

Hilarious

My colleague was winding me up just now and I looked up from my desk and said jokely "You're such a chi bai". Ha! She looked at me like "WTF??"

It just came out. Lol :o)

Lucky Me

It's lovely to have such dilemmas isn't it? Too have too much choice, rather than too little.

Dilemma

I am being interviewed on Monday to potentially be promoted and take care of a Sales maternity position for 9 months. The prospects are great and I'm gonna go for it.

My head says do it.

My heart tells me to hang in there and wriggle my way into production and broadcasting but this won't happen over night and I'm not sure I have the patience and time to commit to it. I know, like anything though, if I want it badly enough, I'd work at it.

I usually make heart felt decisions but I'll let my head lead for now, see how it goes and if I am successful, perhaps in 9 months I can look at my options once again.

Although given my lack of qualifications in this area I don't know if I'll get the job at all. But I'll give it a crack.

2009 has treated me well so far, to end on an even bigger high would be simply too good to be true!

Update

Isn't it funny that when I was unhappy I sometimes blogged up to 3 times a day, no I have left it days, weeks since I last wrote an entry! I guess that says something in itself :o)

Tomorrow Grandma turns 90 and the whole family are heading down to Dorset to stay in a huge cottage to celebrate over a long weekend. I can't wait. I spent many hours working on a "This Is Your Life" DVD which I finally finished last night at about midnight (by the time i got to bed) and was up at 5am to head to work for the Breakfast Show this morning.

Never thought I'd look forward at getting up for work at 5am and voluntarily too.

Things just get better and better.

Just 5 more months to go and then we'll be at the bank trying to see what sort of mortgage we can get. We've set ourselves the date of March 2010. Time to work hard, save hard and party only a little bit ;o)

Last week I ran a cross-country 10K race for a charity called CHASE. We raised about £600+ for terminally ill children who stay at this hospice. I think I mentioned it before. The weather was diabolical and we literally were running in mud up to our ankles. I've got really bad shin splints but they're easing today. All for a good cause for children far worse off than me, so I won't complain. It was a real challenge over all.

That's all for now, must get back to the day job :o)

xxx

Awaiting the pay cheque...

Decided I needed to write something whilst the boss is away from her desk and I'm up to date with my work.

Well I have a cold and sound like a munchkin, its delightful. Other than that though it's all plain sailing and happy days.

Work is coming along nicely, continuous good appraisals, me, giving my colleagues no choice but to take me along to their meeting with them (which they don't seem to mind and gives me opportunity to get to know them better) and finishing work at a blissful 5.30 every day. Just waiting for that first pay cheque now so I can have an income again. Saying that it will soon be gone on bills and savings - ah well, I'll get there.

Things at work are becoming more social - I'm going to my colleagues 30th birthday party over the weekend and intend to dress up "Flashdance" style, followed by the following weekend where I'm participating in a 10K run for charity with my colleagues (fortunately someone dropped out so I jumped right in!) and then we have a Charity quiz in November followed by the Christmas party at Thorpe Park - i know!! in December.

Crikey, when I list it - that's quite a lot! Next year I intend to turn my extra curricular work activities to internal projects with the business and gain more knowledge of every area possible.

I'm completely absorbed in my job, fascinated and excited by everything that goes on, its great. This must have been how people felt at my old company who liked insurance... ergh... and finance... ergh... heehee :o)

I'm determined to prove myself, to rise above my position when I get confirmed in March then Mada and I can start to concentrate on buying our house and seeing a mortgage advisor.

If I get promoted to a Sales Executive I'll automatically get a company car. And as much as I don't want to sell my precious mini, I could save myself £250 a month without the cost of the car loan and insurance and that's a massive amount that could go towards our monthly mortgage.

I'm so determined to succeed it's unreal. I have never felt this way about any job, even when I was working to the bone at WR there was never passion just a MUST attitude.

Well if I am going to succeed, I guess I should get back to the job at hand. Thank GOD i waited those 4 long months - it was so worth it.

Happiness is Divine!

As the old saying goes - time flies when you're having fun.

I can't seem to breathe for a spare second at the moment but I will not complain one bit. I'm probably the happiest I have felt in a long time, maybe a few years. That's not to say I haven't had good times in the last few years (because I most certainly have) but I would say that overall I have a better balance - with happy times majorly out weighing any bad times.

Love is good. Work is good. And these are the two things that have been tiresomely bothering to me over the last year or so. That's really why I started full time blogging in the first place.

I feel like there is constantly so much to write about and catch up on - I see people in the streets and think how what i saw would make a funny or interesting entry. I feel a flutter in my heart or a niggle in my belly but by the time i get round to writing the moment has passed and the passionate ideas i had conjured up - disappeared. Oh well!

Now I'm working I'm trying to re balance all the important things in my life. Friendship for one has taken a backdrop. My first week I was exhausted and mentally retarded by 6pm so I didn't work out or see anyone all week (I know, shock horror!), last week, I managed to get to the gym on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. This week, I hope for the same work outs and also see BD on Tuesday and maybe another friend over the weekend.

Gradually in time I hope I can balance it all again.

It was so fabulous to finish work on Friday at 5.30 on the dot, grab the early train home without a worry in the world and knowing that some of my work for Monday had already been done and I only needed to client "send" this morning. Wow, you can't imagine the feeling!!

As the rentals have been on holiday Mada and I have made use of the alone time. Of course there has been lots of sexy time but more importantly it's been great, cooking together, chilling out in our PJ's and just feeling relaxed together. He was also a little distress after my first week in work as he saw me so much less - same amount of days, but less hours, so we rectified that this weekend.

As something nice, I took him to London Zoo on Saturday and we had such a laugh together - i have decided my new favourite animal is the Meerkat - so funny to watch! We followed that by taking a visit to China Town where he tried dim sum for the first time and LOVED it - I was so delighted! Planning to ask BD and Chris to come with us next time for the complete works. We came home and ate chocolate and drank milk in bed - perfect. HaHa! It was probably the nicest weekend I've had since I've been back. Sunday night all the cousins and partners got together at my cousin's house, it was a really nice, relaxed evening.

Well, must get on with what I'm paid to do - work to be done, but only just enough to keep me busy for the whole day ;o) Again, I shall not complain - for now! I have my first 121 with my manager at 2pm - fingers crossed it goes well. I think it will ;o)

Let's Multiply!

I've definitely learnt a lot about myself this week and last. It's amazing when put in new and unfamiliar surroundings how much you come to depend on yourself.

The new job involves a lot of maths, percentages, targets, gross profit... oh the list goes on (in the form of a spreadsheet) and if you know anything about me you'll know that maths is something I will literally do anything to avoid. It may not be the trickiest of calculations but when faced with numbers i just completely panic and go into meltdown mode.

Unfortunately at my job interview it wasn't really made clear to me just how much maths, formulas and spreadsheets were involved in the day to day running of my job (had it been so, i probably wouldn't have accepted it!) and so i am faced with two choices - face the challenge head on or run away and hide as usual.

This time I've decided to tackle it one on one. Literally. It's me against the world of multiply and division.

I have found over the course of last week and today that by breathing deeply, working slowly and methodically, ensuring I understand the theory behind the calculation, checking, double checking and OCD checking, I can do it.

I have literally amazed myself. The fear of failing and looking stupid (which, I really would do for most of the questions I would ask if I dare speak my thoughts)have driven me to self contain my questions and work out the answers by myself.

I'm really proud of myself. It probably sounds stupid to anyone reading this. But think of the hardest most challenging task you have to do and how much you hate doing it and how hard you find it every time you even look at it, simple or hard. Well that's me with numbers, but this week has been my first steps to opening my mind to the fact that I CAN do it.

On another note, I asked my manager if it would be OK if I left the office dead on 5.30 today as I wanted to make the 17.43 train to go to my body pump class. She looked at me as if I'd just asked for a pay rise. Guess I'm not use to working for a company which doesn't frown upon you leaving the moment you stop getting paid.

My (sort of) First Day

Yesterday I got a call from my new manager asking if I would like to attend a meeting tomorrow, as the 1st October is the beginning of the financial year. Even though I don’t officially start until Monday, I jumped at the opportunity to avoid first day nerves by over coming them in a meeting environment and by only being in for a few hours. Also, it meant I could understand some of the targets set for this year and last.

I was absolutely overwhelmed by the kindness of everyone that worked there. Everyone was introducing themselves or, if eye contact was met during the meeting, smiling at me in a friendly way.

After a little while my new manager officially introduced me to the company (about 30 people were there) everyone clapped in a welcoming way which, as if wasn’t embarrassing enough, they then proceeded to present me with a (and I’m not exaggerating) dinner plate sized Millie’s cookie (how did they know my favorite??) which had, written in icing “Welcome Katy”. They then proceeded to sing “Happy First Day To You!” Haha. CRINGE, but all the same, I felt so welcome – what a nice company!

The meeting was a mixture of presentations, team building and discussions and I felt comfortable enough to throw out some ideas in the group discussions, which my manager later, showed her enthusiasm over. Saying that, as the “New Girl” I didn’t want to say too much and look out spoken, so I mainly sat and nodded and smiled.

All in all a fantastic start to a new job and I am really genuinely excited to start work officially on Monday. No matter how shit my actual role is, at least I can see the kind of company I am going to be working with. Smile.

To top it all off, my lovely boyfriend is taking me out for a “surprise” dinner tonight to show me how “proud” he is in anticipation of me completing the half marathon on Sunday and starting my new job on Monday.

What a perfect day.
Strawberry Swing :o)

Part Time Blogger

So sue me, I haven't blogged in a week! I guess I've just been so caught up with ensuring my life is in tip-top shape before I start my new job NEXT WEEK that I got a little distracted!

Quite a lot to update you on, but I don't really have the patience to sit and write for ages so I'm gonna put it all in a little summary. Lazy - I know!

- COLDPLAY. We went to the Viva La Vida gig on Saturday night. Would have been excellent (and nearly was) but the heavens opened about 2 minutes before Coldplay started and we got absolutely soaked! Ruining my brand new £150 leather jacket (which I subsequently returned and got an exchange on - phew!). Saying that, despite being freezing cold and wet, random piss being chucked on us (don't ask) and being much further back than we would have liked, Coldplay were bloody fantastic and we had an amazing time. I kept thinking back to their last gig we went to in 2005 when everything was all so different... who would have thought what I would have been through in these last 4 years. Unbelievable. It was quite funny when Chris Martin decided that all 70,000 of us would perform an X Factor audition for Simon Cowell :o) I posted the video on FB and will try and import it onto my blog later. Saying that, I'm sure someone will have posted a better quality version on You Tube.

OK, I was right, here you go!



A few days before that, the boyfriend and I went to see Chelsea play at Standford Bridge. We had really good seats and I could actually here the players shouting at each other. It was really fun being there together, kinda like a momentous occasion in my eyes... I was so thankful that they (*cough* sorry "WE") won as I was worried I'd be a bad omen... turns out Chelsea have won every premiership game so far this season, so although I don't like to say it aloud, perhaps I am the Boy's lucky charm (now I've said that they're bound to lose!!). I'd like to go and see some more games, it was really fun!

Sunday will be the half marathon which feels like it's been a long time coming. I've been looking forward to it so much and trained so much harder than I have for any run before (let us not forget that I have been unemployed for 4 months - how could we forget!). I am excited although my Sister doesn't really seem that up for it anymore and it's kinda put an edge on the whole thing. Hopefully she will buck up on the day and we'll have a blast. The boyfriend wants to come and support me, which really means a lot to me.. I remember all those years ago cheering him on in his Triathlon so it's real nice that he is coming to support me. I want to make him proud :o)

And of course Monday brings the new job :o) I'm nervous and excited all in one. Have bought two new outfits and hope to buy a couple more items this week before I start - I'm sure there will be plenty of blogs to come about that so watch this space!

In between all of the above, I've been sporting my "Team Cheryl" T shirt courtesy of www.boohoo.com been taking care of my fabulous Gran with yummy lunches and trips to the theatre, and generally prancing about.

I can't wait for next week - be it good or bad, it's the new start that I'm ready to take on.

And we wait... and wait some more...

Well it would seem that all the crossed fingers and bowed heads had some effect. Yesterday I had my interview and it went extremely well, I was really confident and the interview flowed really smoothly. So much so that the woman interviewing me asked that I come back today for a few hours to meet the team and find out more about the job etc.

Everyone kept saying "you've nailed it" but I didn't want to get over confident so just kept saying "let's just wait and see yeh?" but secretly hoping I'd get it.

I went in this morning and her assistant started to show me the ropes - lots of jargon and terms I had never heard of before, thrown my way. I kept cool and played the "Uh-hu" (nodding as if I know) game. The girl training me reminded me of Amanda from Ugly Betty. She was sweet as pie (too sweet a pie) and dressed like she was out of the pull - as soon as we got down to the work she made ever so sly comments about the team which I couldn't help but notice had a slightly sharp edge.

"There are lots of "personalities" in the team"
"It depends what time THEY decide to roll in on a Monday"
"It's THEIR job, not mine"


After a while she off loaded me to another team member who was an absolute genuine sweetheart. She seemed more interested in telling me about what she did and asked about my previous job etc. I felt like I got on better with her and her colleague. After a few hours, my potential manager told me I could head off as she had to go out for a meeting herself and that she would call me before the end of the day.

It's 17.06 and she STILL hasn't called. Which doesn't REALLY surprise me, given how unorganised they seemed to have been to date. The office closes at 5.30 - to call or not to call? Tis the question. I also have her mobile number - do I call it? Argh. I can't handle having ANOTHER weekend of WAITING to see if I am the CHOSEN one. I feel like I've nailed it but still have the sick-icky feeling in my stomach waiting on the confirmation.

If I do get the job, then this is definitely a sign of things to come, that they are, generally an unorganised cooperation, although judging by the work flow and order of processes they seem to be quite on top of things, so who bloomin' knows. All I know is that I want this job, with this company. For some reason or another, I just feel that this is the job, this is the one.

21 minutes til the weekend. We wait for the call...

PLEASE let me get this job.

Tomorrow is the big day. At 11.30 I have my interview with the radio station. In preparation for the interview I was sent a form to complete - giving answers to questions on leadership, goal orientation, innovation and change, customer focus (you name it!).

I stayed up until 2AM last night to complete it and woke up early to read it over again and make any changes before sending it back via email.

I really want this job. The salary is absolutely shocking BUT all in all, something tells me this job may be fate. To have come full circle and end up finally using my degree in a field worthy of it, would be so fantastic.

I know I can get this job, I know it. I have to get this job. I WILL get this job.

Send lucky thoughts, hang up horse shoes, pick four leaved clovers, pray, find the leprechaun sitting on a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and tell me to break a leg!

Progress!

P.S I have an interview with the radio station!! Awaiting the date confirmation. Should receive it by post today, but seeing as we haven't actually had a delivery today, I will give them a call (as advised) to confirm.

How exciting! Keeping fingers crossed, in the meantime am applying for a TA position at my friend's school and a job with an adventure travel company.

Wake me up, when September ends...

September is here and the wind has a bitter chill, despite the bursts of sunshine between the clouds. Took a run outside today to try and clear my thoughts, I did, in a way, as all I could think about was how hard it seemed to be to pump oxygen around my body!

Last week the boy and I went to see Pete Murray at The Borderline. He was fantastic (Pete Murray that is!) and it felt so special to go with him (the boyfriend!), seeing as we have been fans for all these years. Who'd have thought we'd end up seeing him together and, more importantly as a couple.

I am so happy in my relationship, I know I have found the person I want to be with. I can be silly, I can share my secrets and dreams, I can cry and I can bitch, I can laugh til i cry, with him. With him I am me. I am happy.

Yeh, I am happy and sad too, at times. He pulls me through the darkest days, the days when I miss my former life. I am so thankful for him. That's why i can say I'm happy. Sunday i was so blue, he came over and we ordered Chinese and watched Mrs Doubtfire together. I don't know a lot of guys who'd watch such a shit film, just because they know their girl needs cheering up :o)

And so yes, it is September and it looks like I may soon be stumbling upon a dreaded Temporary job. I am still financially stable, I haven't touched my precious savings... yet. I still have time and money, fortunately, on my side.

I've thought about the jobs that I have applied for - though far and few between. The ones that mattered to me - in that, I genuinely wanted were as followed:

- Teacher Assistant (children)
- Projects Coordinator (travel)
- Volunteers Coordinator (charity)
- Sales Team (travel)
- Sales Coordinator (radio)
- Temps project manager (recruitment)
- Mandarin T.A (children)

I still wait to hear back on the radio job. The latest, I applied for today is a company set up who run after school clubs for children learning Mandarin (i wanna send my children there one day - heehee). You don't have to be able to speak Mandarin for the role I'm looking at, just to "be creative and enjoy working with primary aged children". Well, this would be a nice job to tie me over, all those little sweet Asian faces, then maybe it will help me decide if I should go back to college next year or not.

It really is a waiting game. I've seen a lot of jobs on line lately in claims and insurance. Must fight the resistance. I don't want to put myself back in that rut. Plus, despite how the CV looks, I'd probably struggle with any insurance work. Everyday was a struggle in KL. I want to do something I'm passionate about, and I believe that day will come , i must continue to pray.

Speaking of praying, I am a step closer to returning to church. Having chatted with my Gran (and avid songs of praise go-er) she just so happened to bump into the vicar's wife this week and told her about me. hmm. I have told gran I will take her one Sunday... maybe this Sunday, maybe next, we'll see.

Keep praying for me little followers of my GW.

xxx

Titleless

I have been unemployed for nearly 3 months.

1 step 4ward 2 steps back

I lost it last night. Completely and utterly. I have no idea what triggered it. It's been an OK week, as far as the weeks go over here.

Took my Gran for lunch Monday, had an awesome 10 mile run Tuesday and a right laugh over dinner with Butdunc on Tuesday evening. Discovered I have some money hiding away that i forgot about yesterday, followed by a night of acoustic guitar/ singing at our local pub with friends. If I was working I'd say life was bliss.

After still not hearing anything from MAWF (who, to be honest can go fuck themselves now- unless of course they do offer me a job for some absurd reason in which case I'd probably still take it as I'm so desperate), despite emailing them to ask if the position has now been filled and if they could give me some feedback on my interview, I ended up stumbling across Office Angels website and saw that they accepted applications to work FOR them. I've always had my eye in the background on working in recruitment as a backup plan so thought fuck it, i'll just send my CV with a short cover note.

Low and behold whilst at the gym yesterday evening I got a voicemail from them showing interest. I called back this morning and eventually spoke with the branch manager who advised me that although they had already shortlisted their applicants if i could "sell myself" to him then and there, they may consider me too. I tried my best, he sounded keen and asked me to forward on my CV.

We wait.

So I lost it last night, back to that. I don't know what happened, I drove the guys home from the pub who were all pretty half cut and for some reason I just generally felt pissed off with the boyfriend. After wishing me a "happy anniversary" in the morning (bite me, i forgot) I thought I'd make him a picnic in my garden over lunch as it was warm and sunny yesterday. Alas, he called at 1.30 and couldn't make it. He wasn't to know I'd gone to the trouble and spent many a penny on nice food for him, but i was pissed off.

Then when i told him of the call from OA he was interested and enthusiastic but I guess, well, it might not be the dream job but my self esteem is so low right now I could have done with more encouragement. He did give me encouragement though, but it was too late, I was already in the "moody" zone to notice.

By the time i dropped him home he asked if i wanted to stay over, I said no and good bye and as I left I wheelspinned off (which i doubt was appreciated by his quiet little road at 1am) and went on a massive/ reckless drive down the motorway to clear my head. I drove and drove until I felt like I could breathe again. I felt angry and I have no idea why.

Actually i do. I think I'm just freaking out again, God, I am so CRAP at relationships. I think, at the moment all i have to look forward to on a daily basis is seeing him, he makes my day great and I feel like I'm putting all my dependency on him. Which is stupid because I KNOW how much of an independent person i am. I guess, I'm not really angry at him, I'm angry at myself. I can feel myself losing ME, and becoming someone's OTHER HALF. But that's what i wanted... I just have to learn how to handle it. No one has wanted to be my other half in so long, I'm not sure I really know how to even do it.

I came home and for the first time in 9 weeks, I read the bible and I read the passages that Bombies engraved in my heart. It soothed me and after laying in bed, staring at the ceiling trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me, I fell asleep, waking early this morning to attend a gym class to try and shake off those lingering wonderingments.

I dunno if it was because I prayed last night, I don't know if it's The Secret that I am reading or the CD's that play in my head. Things are changing, I know it and it's going to take a long time to get comfortable with it, even once the change is made and the handover complete.

I just hope I can get through these next few weeks, because if I'm honest with you, I'm struggling to win this battle against myself. I yearn for the security and misery I was in before I left my company, at least I knew what to expect.

But as that famous saying goes, the fear of doing something is often more fearful than the ACTUAL doing.

Til next time.