FML

Today I hit an all time low.

I arrived at the train station in time to buy my weekly 7 day season pass. It's £26.20. As I put in my pin the machine made a weird noise and told me that the authorization failed.

Reluctantly I realised that my funds must be low and so re did the transaction for just a return ticket (which is about £7). I put my pin in again and, once again my card was rejected.

Fuck. No money in my account and £3 in my wallet. I wracked my brains for a solution. Fortunately I knew I could get on the train as there is no barrier at the local station but I knew I wouldn't get through on the other side.

So I swallowed my pride and called Mada who quickly transferred £50 to my account (in case I was also overdrawn) so that I could pay at the other end - that was if the money would go through.

At the same time I had the train ticket checker guy asking me to show my ticket and so I had to wriggle my way out of paying by mouthing, I'll pay at the station whilst on the phone, feeling pretty tearful and embarrassed that I would have to explain why I couldn't pay then and there - in that, I'm fucking poor.

I arrived at my station and prayed that the money had transferred in time. Well thank God for Internet banking. It had transferred and I bought my pass and set off on my walk to my office.

Please tell me that one day and the hours and no money will pay off.... Morale is at an all time low :(

1 step 4ward 2 steps back

I lost it last night. Completely and utterly. I have no idea what triggered it. It's been an OK week, as far as the weeks go over here.

Took my Gran for lunch Monday, had an awesome 10 mile run Tuesday and a right laugh over dinner with Butdunc on Tuesday evening. Discovered I have some money hiding away that i forgot about yesterday, followed by a night of acoustic guitar/ singing at our local pub with friends. If I was working I'd say life was bliss.

After still not hearing anything from MAWF (who, to be honest can go fuck themselves now- unless of course they do offer me a job for some absurd reason in which case I'd probably still take it as I'm so desperate), despite emailing them to ask if the position has now been filled and if they could give me some feedback on my interview, I ended up stumbling across Office Angels website and saw that they accepted applications to work FOR them. I've always had my eye in the background on working in recruitment as a backup plan so thought fuck it, i'll just send my CV with a short cover note.

Low and behold whilst at the gym yesterday evening I got a voicemail from them showing interest. I called back this morning and eventually spoke with the branch manager who advised me that although they had already shortlisted their applicants if i could "sell myself" to him then and there, they may consider me too. I tried my best, he sounded keen and asked me to forward on my CV.

We wait.

So I lost it last night, back to that. I don't know what happened, I drove the guys home from the pub who were all pretty half cut and for some reason I just generally felt pissed off with the boyfriend. After wishing me a "happy anniversary" in the morning (bite me, i forgot) I thought I'd make him a picnic in my garden over lunch as it was warm and sunny yesterday. Alas, he called at 1.30 and couldn't make it. He wasn't to know I'd gone to the trouble and spent many a penny on nice food for him, but i was pissed off.

Then when i told him of the call from OA he was interested and enthusiastic but I guess, well, it might not be the dream job but my self esteem is so low right now I could have done with more encouragement. He did give me encouragement though, but it was too late, I was already in the "moody" zone to notice.

By the time i dropped him home he asked if i wanted to stay over, I said no and good bye and as I left I wheelspinned off (which i doubt was appreciated by his quiet little road at 1am) and went on a massive/ reckless drive down the motorway to clear my head. I drove and drove until I felt like I could breathe again. I felt angry and I have no idea why.

Actually i do. I think I'm just freaking out again, God, I am so CRAP at relationships. I think, at the moment all i have to look forward to on a daily basis is seeing him, he makes my day great and I feel like I'm putting all my dependency on him. Which is stupid because I KNOW how much of an independent person i am. I guess, I'm not really angry at him, I'm angry at myself. I can feel myself losing ME, and becoming someone's OTHER HALF. But that's what i wanted... I just have to learn how to handle it. No one has wanted to be my other half in so long, I'm not sure I really know how to even do it.

I came home and for the first time in 9 weeks, I read the bible and I read the passages that Bombies engraved in my heart. It soothed me and after laying in bed, staring at the ceiling trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me, I fell asleep, waking early this morning to attend a gym class to try and shake off those lingering wonderingments.

I dunno if it was because I prayed last night, I don't know if it's The Secret that I am reading or the CD's that play in my head. Things are changing, I know it and it's going to take a long time to get comfortable with it, even once the change is made and the handover complete.

I just hope I can get through these next few weeks, because if I'm honest with you, I'm struggling to win this battle against myself. I yearn for the security and misery I was in before I left my company, at least I knew what to expect.

But as that famous saying goes, the fear of doing something is often more fearful than the ACTUAL doing.

Til next time.

Stuck in Limbo

Oh what a week. This week I would say I have been pretty much unbearable to be around. My positive happy attitude went AWOL and my emotions went from wonderfully and blissfully happy to i-hate-you-fuck-off minute by minute.

I just wrote a whole blog entry and deleted with the click of a button, my writing sucks today, head still isn't in the right place to write coherently.

Perhaps it was the shoulder I cried on last night, perhaps sometimes crying releases more emotions than writing. Just occasionally.

I was worried I'd lost a part of me but perhaps I haven't lost it, perhaps I'm just sharing it with someone for the first time in a long while.

I'm writing bullshit today. My general wonderingments are all askew.

Gimmie a few days. I'll be back.

Mind Control

You can feel that old sensation seeping in
It crawls in through your skin and seeps into your mind
You try to shake it off, ignore it, pretend it doesn't exist
But it's there hovering at your surface

You can try hard to over ride it but its persistence will ultimately test you
Just because you're back physically doesn't mean the mental torture is there too
You're a changed person, you're not who you were
You're stronger than this, you can beat it
Cut it off now, before it cuts you.

This & That

Saturday night was a break from the boy, after attending a gathering with over 50 of his family. It was hard work but at the same time, interesting to meet so many people!

I went out to Hed Kandi in Windsor, with the girls and in all honesty, it's not something I intend to do again, anytime soon. Events of the evening lead me to believe that the majority of the girls still behave like stroppy, bitchy little 18 year olds.

Once home I text Mada to let him know i was home safe and sound - yes, I have to do this now(!) and he called to check on me, after about 1 word, my voice cracked and little tears streamed out as I told him how much i missed partying with my KL friends. Sigh, why do these girls have to be so difficult and turn the whole night into cat fights, competitive races for the hottest guy and general immature behaviour?

I guess it didn't help that i was sober and wired up on Red Bull, but I chose not to drink. Quite glad I didn't drink as it just so happened, I cannot control my tongue under the influence of alcohol at the best of times.

Have spoken to HK Roz on skype yesterday and with my family, I have decided to "faze" these "girls" (and they really are) out and concentrate on the friendships I have which are more worthy (i.e Shrub, Mada, ButDunc, the boys and the like).

On the up, Mada tried to cheer me up yesterday (and was successful). We went for an awesome workout together and then he took me out for a really delicious pub lunch in Perbright. A really old fashioned pub, with low wooden beams and a real fire place :) And so, in true Mada *cheeeeese* style, he finally officially asked me to be his "girlfriend" which, after teasing for him a while, I accepted. After that we went home and curled up on the sofa - he watched the golf open and i snuggled up in his arms and read a book. In the evening we went over to my sisters for dinner, with my other cousins and their girlfriends/ wives. It was a great day.

So life is still not really stable, I'm praying to God I hear back on the interview for the *dream job* in the next couple of days. In the meantime, I'll keep working out (have lost a ridiculous amount of fat from working out 7 days a week), blog, facebook and keep searching for jobs. Not long now, I really hope.

Party til the break of dawn

Met up with some of my mates last night who had been at a big party the night before. They couldn't stop bragging about how they'd come home at 5am and it was daylight - had to bite my tongue, i guess it is pretty late if you're use to finishing at 11pm when the country pubs close :P

Can't see the floor through the clothes (or the wood through the trees)

This is EXACTLY what my apartment looks like right now, except the dead rat... is a gecko... (fwd to 1:21)

Insignificant

devoid of importance, meaningless, signifying nothing, not worthy of notice, lacking in importance, trivial, worthy of little regard, small, not worth considering, me.

I need to get this off my chest...

You know what? Go fuck yourself. I really don't give a fuck about you anymore. I gave my life to you for 4 fucking years and you can't even give me 1 day in return without a manipulative intonation in the tone of your voice. If i wanted to screw you over i could do. I have so much power its unbelievable. I know things that shouldn't have even been heard in a whisper. the lot of you are fucking pathetic. i hope you fail miserably at what you do and realise that you needed me. and if you don't fail and you succeed then i hope you realise that you should have trusted me all along because i knew. i knew the answers and you wouldn't fucking listen. i fucking hate you. i hate your core, your principles, your theories. so fuck you, fuck you all.

Need Zzzzzzzz

oh my gaaaaawd help me. I keep falling asleep at my desk. Just now, as I jumped awake, i accidentally clicked the mouse (as i fell asleep with my hand on it) and sent an email I was only half way through writing.

Lost & Found

Things my landlord will find in my apartment after i leave:

- Kirby grips; the small slender brown shaded hair grips that I constantly lose after taking out of my hair and chucking somewhere when I'm tired.
- Used contact lenses; I use daily lenses and will take them out wherever and whenever. I frequently come across them in my bedroom and in my bathroom. Instead of walking 5 feet to a bin or toilet i usually just put them on the nearest unit to go crusty and bin them (sometimes) later.
- Elastic Bands; my dental elastics. They ping out when i eat, they disapear in my sleep, i remove them in the morning whilst taking a wee and they go down the toilet, sometimes at the mirror, sometimes when watching TV or at my computer...
- Pop socks; they seem to be everywhere i look, under the bed, in my laundry area, randomly behind a curtain.. i have no idea how they end up in such places.
- Hair bands; you will never see a picture of me without a hairband around my left wrist. I pretty much always have one with me. they are stashed all over my apartment in case i just need to grab one... or just because i took my hair down and pinged it somewhere
- Hair in general; hair in the shower, hair blocking the shower drain (I'm too scared to put my hand down there and clear it) hair where i DO my hair, hair, hair, hair.
- My afterlife; traces of smiley faces hidden under white paint... old cigarete butts on the balcony from days of yonder, m&ms dropped, lost and never found, memories lingering in the air of all the happy times...

Langkawi Low

Just got home after a long weekend in Langkawi with friends. The majority of it was great, spending time with my friends was my main priority, second to that was relaxing in the sun and third to that was exploring, so yeh we did all that and more, so all in all a good weekend.

Couldn't help but feel like shit today though and it really put a dampner on the whole weekend for me. I don't know what brought it all on, I have a feeling it had something to do with the book I was reading. Yet again, I just finished ANOTHER Jodi Picoult book - I think this is probably my 7th or 8th of hers. It was a goodie too, although, I seldom read a book of hers and don't love it - she is my favourite author.

I like the way she writes as all books are written in different naratives by different characters and always surrounds a situation that requires a court verdict. By writing the book in different character's persepctives you gain an all round inside to how each character feels and overall a very good story. She also always ends with a bitter-twisted ending (Which I'm afraid Jodi, I sussed out this time, way before the end).

She always has one plot and then usually one or two sub plots (which can often be more interesting than the main plot) but they all interlink.

The main plot was of a young girl who suffered from OI (osteogenesis imperfecta) and her Mother who was sueing her best friend who was the obstetrician for malpractice, after missing the 'signs' on the U/S and not having the choice to abort her Daughter (its more complicated than that, but thats the gist of it) the Sister of the little girl, who, in the midst of feeling so negelcted suffered from bulimia and self harmed and the Lawyer who, as it transpired, was adopted and on a quest to find her "real" Mother.

Whilst reading the book i felt overwhelmed with how Ms Picoult was able to portray how the young girl who self harmed (Amelia) felt, why she did what she did and how it helped her cope with her everyday living. Having self harmed from the age of 13 - 21 it was all a little "too much" to read at times, yet I felt engrosed to read more.

During my readings, I obviously had times where I was interacting with my friends/ doing stuff. I can't remember how we got onto the conversation but we started discussing whether or not it was right to 'cain' (or physically tell a child off) when they had done wrong. My friends were firmly in the mind that it WAS ok, but then, they have been bought up in a culture where kids do get disciplined in that way both in the home and at school. I am very anti it. Having taught children in an evironment where they WERE cained, I have been able to keep control (albeit struggled) through the power of speech. And telling off a child by making them feel EMOTIONALLY what is right and what is wrong - i.e tapping into their conscionce and teaching them what is MORALLY right and wrong by their HEART and not by physical pain.

We bounced a few comments about and I mentioned that as a child my Father had hit me and I had very little respect for him. Whereas my Mother had not, yet I have more respect for her and never disobeyed her whilst growing up. Bombies then said (something along the lines of) but its not the hand that hits - you are using a something to hit them with, and then "the hand has love" (or something close to that). The comment really really struck a nerve (pardon the pun) and I was just about ready to burst.

Whether it was the fact that my Father had slammed my Sister across the head with a rolled up newspaper (a hitting device, similar to a cain you might say) or whether he had punched his fist through our glass front door and splattered my face with blood (the hand of love) didn't matter. The hand did the action. Whether there was something in it or not.

And then of course, that led me to start thinking about my book and all the reasons why, throughout my adolescence i suffered from depression and anxiety - because of the violence i had experienced as a child, and more. So maybe yes, this is an extreme case but maybe you can understand why I think that physical punishment is NOT the answer.

Of course, I know my argument is very "right winged" but that is just my point of view. Extreme.

I'm sorry if I was irritable towards you this afternoon, it wasn't you personally but it was the discussion and our conflicting views. I tried to shake it but I couldn't. You see, you may know a lot about me, but of course, everyone has unearthed secrets, memories that scar you - both physically and mentally and at times, it's all you can do but scream out loud for all your inner pain that will always be at the back of your mind, lingering.

So back to Jodi's latest book - "Handle with Care" not only did she raise issues on self harm but also two other subjects - abortion and adoption. I have not experienced either of them myself. But this book was a real eye opener and has had a strong impact and lasting impression on my overall views of both.

I guess what was meant to be the trip to end all trips with my friends turned out to be one of self reflection and many, general wonderingments.

Needless to say, all this mental shit that was spinning around my head today, didn't change the fact that I had a great time, only that my mind isn't as well rested as I would have liked it to be. It also made me a little apprehensive about returning to the UK... because when I left the UK I left everything I have written about behind me. Will it all come back to haunt me? I know I am not the person I once was and I am very, very proud of that. I am beautiful now, inside and out.

But then, as JP wrote in this heart wrenching novel:

Maybe you have to leave in order to really miss a place; maybe you had to travel to figure out how beloved your starting point was.

I wonder where my starting point was...?

~ In hindsight this morning I realise this piece of writing is incredily honest, personal and direct. There are many ways to disguise what you blog about so that the reader doesn't read right into your soul. But sometimes, there is no other way than to just say it as it is. I'm not scared to talk about my past, I'm not ashamed, I am proud of overcoming it.

Stay Off The Roads

I'm worried.

I'm worried that I have nearly killed 3 motorcyclists in no less than 2 years.

Accident 1

Location: Melaka, Malaysia
Severity: 7/10
Car: Albert (Proton Saga)
Car Damage: Smashed up the front of my car
Cost: $500

What happened: Was driving along at about 40K and out of no where a young motorcyclist came down the pavement and cut across my car, slamming against the bonnet and went flying across to the other side of the road. His bike was fucked, his gang arrived, he yelled, chi bai and we spent 2 hours at the police station.

Accident 2

Location: Taman Desa, Malaysia
Severity: 3/10
Car: Emily (Perudua Myvi)
Car Damage: Minor scrapes/ dents to front-right of car
Cost: Cash in hand $200 ++ car expense to be confirmed

What happened: Was having a jokey argument with my friend, complaining that he was late. Whilst throwing abuse i was checking the road back and forth and it was really busy. I thought I saw a gap and went, unfortunately it was night time and i was at the top of a small hill, the bike came up and slammed into me as I pulled out. At least this guy was in shock in the reverse manner - went very quiet, hobbled about. My friend managed to communicate with him (just) we gave him $200 for damages as I knew it was my fault, was on the way to a party and couldn't be arsed to file a police report.

Accident 3

Location: Jalan Ampang, KL
Severity: 0/10
Car: Emily (Perudua Myvi)
Car Damage: None (well no more than what i already had)
Cost: None, only my sanity and confidence as being a road worthy driver

What happened: was pulling out of a side hotel exit onto the other side of the road. Again was checking back and forth but as I pulled out I looked at the side furthest away, I glanced to my right and saw a motorcyclist suddenly break about 5 feet away from me. He looked shocked and I mouthed "sorry" and made a cute smile, he waved me on. I realised I should not be allowed on the roads any more (this near accident was 3 days after the last)

In a nutshell, perhaps its a good thing I'm leaving Malaysia in 6 weeks... It ain't safe out there whilst I'm on the roads. Beware.

On A Downward Trend...

For the record, this morning I weighed myself at 59K. I've lost 3 kilos in 8 days. I have no idea how I have managed this. The power of thought????

A New Chapter Awaits Me

It's been ages since I've blogged. Well only a week but considering I usually blog daily it seems like a life time.

I've felt resistence to blog because I felt myself spiraling into this deep depression and feeling so negative about pretty much everything.

A whole lot of stuff has gone down lately and in a nutshell, I am now leaving my job on the 29th May 2009 and leaving Malaysia in June 2009. most importantly, returning to the UK. I feel out of sorts and confused about EVERYTHING, but it is happening so you know what? I'm just gonna have to suck it up and deal with it.

I want to start fresh and stop looking at everything in such a negative manner and am considering ending my relationship with this blog and starting a new one, concentrating on everything thats good in my life, the things that make me happy, the adventures and changes that are on the way.

I hope, dear loyal reader (waaha) that you won't feel like i've made you redundant. But a new chapter is well on the way and its time for me to stop writing about all that is bad but writing about all that is grand and hopefully, my precious memories stored in a blog will keep my positivity running on and on.

Because believe it or not, despite all my bitchings, i have a pretty dam good life. I just gotta learn to open up my eyes and my heart and see it.

Until Next time...

What I learnt...

.... love is beautiful




Congratulations A&F :) xxx

Feeling all philosophical

It's been a busy week, but not a stressful week. Busy weeks I can handle. I even managed 4 personal training sessions this week and with my fourth one this morning I dragged myself in, full of cold and with a chesty cough - exhausted! I imagine the last few weeks have finally taken their toll and landed me with a cold. But it's OK I don't feel like death, it's manageable. I'm taking lots of rest this weekend and am NOT SMOKING!

It's been so nice having some order back in my life, it's amazing how just half a dozen runs in a week and a half have started to pull my body back into shape again. Not that i have any form of eating disorder to draw on, but most people who know me well enough know that being comfortable in my body makes me a happier person. I am happier when i don't feel "fat". So i feel a bit better about my outside appearance this week. I have been making a conscious effort to cut crap out of my diet and eat responsibly. When I put my mind to it and do it, I do generally feel better.

Last week held a spot of bother, or "blogther" if you will, which resulted in me having to change my blog title and address for fear of being "discovered". Even though I want to be free and write whatever I fancy, i realise that it's not that easy. The last few months have been hard on me and i know at times i have written aggressively. So for now i remain even more anonymous with a silhouette picture and no other name to go by, other than the infamous "Bubs".

I discovered in the week when managing to catch A&F for dinner (i know, i actually have a social life again!) that they are returning to Norway in August. Hearing them process their thoughts aloud was encouraging. It's funny, for them, moving back home is not a failure, only time to move on. I wish i felt the same and to be fair, i am getting there. I guess i had it in my head that i would be an expat for ever and if i returned i would have failed. Failed what? People do this all the time, secondments and what not and they return. I need to get over myself! :P

I know deep down in my heart that if this itchy and torn feeling remained I couldn't go on, wondering what grown up life in the UK was all about. I have never lived in the UK as an adult. I pretty much left the UK in 2004 with my backpacking and then only returned a short while before moving to HK. So it is actually going to be a whole new adventure.

Although I'm not pining all my hopes on Mada and I working out, a part of me really really hopes that we can at least give it a go. I can't imagine, right now being with anyone else and so, i hope we can at least try. Saying that, despite returning to the UK I'm not entirely sure if I will settle down there straight away. Although it will be my base at the moment I'm thinking I will take a week or so out to get settle and see friends and family etc and then I would like to take some time out with either travel or community work abroad. I know Mada would love to do it too but he has his head fixed on doing things in a certain order first. We are very different like that. Perhaps I can coax him into spending just a few weeks "my way" just to see how life can be lived when you're just that little bit more carefree than society expects you to be. I want a house too (haha am i contradicting myself?), but I'm coming to realise that these things take time and all will fall into place. Somehow.

Everyone, despite what they have, has an element of wanting more, or doing better, or trying something new. I think it's in our nature. And I think I will always be one of those people, ever curious, ever wondering what more is out there. Why are some people just born restless and others are satisfied with what they have hu? Which is better, the drive to have more or the content to live your everyday life as it is laid out for you? Some times I wonder. Actually i lie, frequently, I wonder.

I'm feeling OK, although knowing that I'm returning only makes me want to get that ball rolling, undoubtedly the next few months are going to be restless but I hope they will be fun too! In one sense i just wanna get back to the UK but in another I want to hold onto my home, here, as long as possible. I may only have a handful of friends (literally) but they have been good to me over my time in Malaysia and I'll be full of sorrow to part with them. I hope that in a few years from now i'll be a little more settled and less "itchy" (haha so I DO want to be one of THOSE people, eventually) and that they will come visit me and I can be proud to show them how my life is in the UK.

My Equinox said that often I concentrate so hard on planning the future that I forget to live the now. I think it's very true. But sometimes you can't change a person's nature. When I reach my next plan will I stop planning or will I plan more? Or is that what life is all about? Trying to work it all out and finally, you reach 80 years old and you think, well, that wasn't so bad.

Despite all the turbulence I have endured (a large proportion self inflicted) I know when I'm 80, I'll have a tale to tell. I'll probably still be complaining that I never went to that place and I never did that though... that's just me.

Naked Idol

HHhhmmm I just watched American Idol. Dam i love that show! I wanna be on it!

I just pumped out The Bodyguard soundtrack out and pranced around naked in my apartment and belted out some tunes in the shower. Then it suddenly occurred to me that i really should stop being so naked in my apartment, well, at least i should consider shutting my curtains when i do so....

Everyday is a skool day

I was having lunch with neighbour just now, giving her advice over certain things in the office (funnily enough she now works for my company - good luck luv!) but as I sat explaining things, it dawned on me how much I have learnt since living in Malaysia (the last year in particular) and how much of what I have learnt I have actually begun applying to my life. Three things are very apparent to me:

1) I have learnt to lower my expectations of people. I realised that all my life I have had very high expectations of people. Why? Because I set high expectations for myself. For years I have felt disappointed in people not living up to MY expectations and why should they? They are pretty darn high. And so by lowering my expectations which I have only realised just today that I have been doing over the last few months, I am becoming less dissatisfied in those around me and more surprised at things they do that exceed my... hahaha - Expectation!

2) I have learnt that you CAN put "number one" first. People always say "put number one first" and my motto has been this - If I make someone else unhappy by putting MYSELF first, I end up MORE unhappy doing what I WANT rather than just not doing what I want but knowing that I have kept someone else happy. It may sound silly but I have always got more happiness over putting other people first, but always been a bit bitter that I didn't get to do what I wanted. But I've come to realise it's not about putting yourself first it's about thinking things through and not (hahahah) RAISING people's EXPECTATIONS! If you can't do something that you wanted to and you're going to make some one unhappy. HANDLE IT head on. Explain why and clearly and if you're being fair they WILL understand. This works. I have put it into practice, initially I found it hard but when I realised that people weren't as disappointed as i EXPECTED it became easier. (see point 1 above)

3) I have learnt that you must participate in the game to win it. As much as you want to BE you and be ACCEPTED for who YOU are. Sometimes, just sometimes, you have to play the game in order to win. I have only done this in my business life these last few weeks but my determination and strength which felt almost non existent over the last month has pulled me through. Why? Because I played the game and I played it so well, that I won. Don't hate the player remember, hate the game.

I have to get back to work now - I can't WIN all the time, dammit :P

I'm converted!

Geeeee, last month I ordered my character profile (see blog) and found it very beneficial in giving myself some reassurance about myself. Manc recommended ordering my Yearly Forecast. I thought about it and am now going to order it. I like it's concept because it is not a "precition" or a form of "fortune telling" but more of a guide of how the planets influence you over the coming 12 months. Seeing as today I formally handed in my notice (smile) I feel having some sort of "guide" may help me think more comprehensively over my path to a new life.

I was just speaking to Manc asking her about the guide and she told me to check my horoscope by this astrologer she uses frequently at www.astrologyzone.com and low and behold check out what it said... I'm really getting into this stuff - but of course, I'm sure as I soon as i see something i don't like I might change my mind! haha! Well for now, it's quite up lifting in my search for a new perspective, new life, new me :)

(Initial few paragraphs below, full version on website, note that Feb 9th seems particularly significant and this was the day I informed my MD I was going to handing in my notice. I only accessed this site for the first time today)

In February your world will undergo exciting change, one that will open up your mind to new people and assignments, and expose you to new concepts, interests, and ideas. You'll have a rare opportunity to pull all your talents together and show them off in a new setting - it would be hard to imagine a more ideal opportunity! Clearly, the tide is turning in your favor, dear Gemini, and you'll feel more optimistic than you've felt in months.

Planets in your ninth house will help you learn to communicate in a new way or in a brand new medium. Soon you'll be off in an exciting new direction. Publishing and broadcasting projects glitter and will allow plenty of room for you to put your individual stamp of creativity.

You may be asked to write, lecture, teach, or be on a TV or radio show. You may be developing a presence on the Internet or work on a digital game. A telecommunications project may intrigue you, or you may be writing new software. You may design an advertising campaign, work on a publicity project for a client, or shape a seminar you'll soon teach. There are many possibilities.