The Start of The End

It's been so long since I blogged that I had to type my password in 3 times until I got it right. In all honesty I'm thinking of making this my final blog entry because I now have someone to share my general wonderingments with and his name is Mada.

Whilst I miss being able to update my friends from afar via the realms of an online diary I know there are only a handful of people who ever care to look these days.

It's been a wonderful journey with you, my faithful blog and I would say I've finally found happiness - I'm home, in England, I have a fantastic job and I'm in love. In love with my best friend and we've just bought our first home together last week.

All I can hope for now is continued happiness for the future.

As I said on my first ever entry to this new blog. It’s been some time since I wrote in my blog. I guess I’ve been kinda preoccupied with, well, living life actually. I think I'm going to get back to that now.



Bye xxx

Cous Klem

Mada and I are taking our first holiday together - well, more of a 'mini break' over to Norway next weekend to visit A&F for 4 days 3 nights. I really can't wait! Having booked the trip nearly six months ago, it felt like it was never going to come and now it's finaly (nearly) here! I can't wait to see 2 of my bestest friends from KL and for them to meet the love of my life too. Also, just to have some time away, just me and my man. It's going to be great :o)

What's going down in da hood?

So, whats been going on that has prevented me from blogging in so long you ask? Well, as before when I've taken long breaks - a mixture of happiness and being just too busy. Tonight I got home at 6.30 and as I'm unable to work out in the lead up to the big HALF on Sunday I'm kinda like heck, what do I do for the next 5 hours until it's time to sleep?? I feel restless not being active - that IS my chill out time.

Well let's look at one thing at a time...

Love

Love is good, more than good, excellent! 9 months into being "home" and 9 months of bliss with my man. Who'd have thought that years of confusion could turn into something so wonderful. We've been to see the mortgage advisor and in all honesty, it didn't go so well. With me on the lowest salary I've had since before university and him being self employed its hard to get the money we know we could afford to borrow. BUT we're working at it. With him doing an extra 2 hours a day and me working evenings and weekends we are pulling in more money and working together to build up our deposit. We will go for another appointment at the end of the tax year, at that point we will go with what we have and find our home. Be it the "dream" home or not, it will be ours.

Work

Work. My God, never did I imagine that you could actually get out of work in the morning without a struggle. I love my company. For the last 4 weeks I have covered someones role who is more senior than mine (same as the role I applied for and didn't get) and enjoyed every second of feeling stressed, using my brain and being tired. Now she is back, I just keep pushing on and on with taking more responsibilities wherever possible, coming up with ideas, taking on new projects and it's being noticed. I will get there, I've made my mark. Alongside the everyday work, I am furthering my dream role at the company - to be on air. I have been noticed. I'm doing on air links, learning how to use adobe, creating podcasts, managing focus groups, I even have my own commercial to raise awareness of the money I am raising for charity by running the half marathon. I am praying so so hard that I get a pay rise when I have my 6 month review. Please, if more than anything, I deserve it because I have worked so bloody hard. and, more importantly I love it.

Play

Running, running and more running. Looking forward to a trip to Foxhills Spa with the boy (my reward from my line manager for working so hard to cover my colleagues work), a holiday to Norway to visit A&F, weddings (not mine - ha!), and concerts a plenty over the summer - 3 so far - Scouting For Girls (who I happened to meet at work just the other day - another perk of the job), BEP (with Cheryl Cole supporting) and FOTC. Awesome. Fighting the resistance of comparing my relatively normal weekends to the road trips we use to take in Malaysia but I need to accept, I am here now and this is how life is. But I can handle it - I've never felt so normal, so content and so happy.

Other stuff...

There's been some lows... some very very lows. Finding out my step mum was pregnant and that the baby had died whilst still growing inside her and therefore losing my baby brother was probably most hard (of course that is the abbreviated version). The growing desire (and hassle) to meet my little half sister who lives a stone throw away from me and living at home and so very desperate to live with my love. All challenging and some big changes in my future to follow no doubt. Oh and did I mention I have managed 77 days with no alcohol - insane! I know. 3 months is up on the 1st April - bring on the G&T!

OK, so there you have it... a little summary from me to you. It felt quite nice to share with you. Til next time, I'll try and not leave it quite so long this time...

Gotta Keep Going

Yesterday was a bad day from beginning to end and I know I need to pull myself out of this slump of being miserable and shedding too many tears.

Last night I bailed out on having a girls night out with my colleagues and just wanted to go home and get into bed. Instead Mada dragged me down to a quiet pub with our best mates and despite my objections, the distraction worked and it cheered me up.

This quiet weekend I am working on boosting my moral and getting back on top of things. Already I feel better today, to the point where Mada said "I've missed you, I'm so glad you're back". What a saint to put up with me at times!

Next weekend is looking promising - I'm working Saturday morning which will be extra money and with the prospect of doing an on air link, followed by training on how to drive the desk with a mate in the arvo. Keep pushing and I know I'll see results. I hope that result includes reaching my dreams as well as an increment in my salary - totally selfish but totally how I feel.

I'm in love

What a bloody miserable post - my first of 2010. I'm appalled at myself. It's just because I don't ever get the opportunity to blog privately these days and happen to have a moment on a miserable morning. Saying that, I remember something I drafted in my email account just two days ago that's worth posting... it went something like this...

"You know when you watch a romantic movie and you see this kiss, this magical kiss, between the two lead characters who are just so deeply in love you can imagine ever finding a love like that? Well, I have. God, I've never been so in love in my whole life, it's sickening..."

Maybe I should keep this feeling in mind, when everything I wrote about below gets on top of me.

:)

We are getting a puppy :)

Well, not just yet, hopefully this time next year, once we have our house. After some deliberation we have decided on a Beagle.... can't wait!

November

November has been a whirlwind of a month and finally today, December arrives.

November was a trying month, but a good month all the same. With all the goings on Mada and I have found, at times, our relationship a little less easy, than the previous months. But we realised that despite being upset with one another at times, we have both worked equally as hard to keep going at it.

We realised that we are still in our early days and we are still learning about one another but essentially, that we make each other better people and will grow stronger individually and as a couple by being by one an other's side.

Last week was tough in particular with his friends from America visiting. Although it has been fun, our usual everyday living schedule has been disrupted, resulting in irritable and irrational behaviour at times but that in turn has somehow made us even stronger.

December 1st (today) was in my mind, set to be a fresh start, however, this morning was the first frost of the year and devastatingly I got caught out by black ice on the road this morning and after a 360 degree spin on a straight (but thankfully wide and empty) road, crashed my car resulting in a trip down to the accident and emergency.

I'm OK but I have whiplash and having layed down all day in bed I needed to do something, and blogging seemed appropriate. What I was thankful for the most, was knowing that I had told Mada I loved him last night and him telling me too, before saying goodnight and when I called him from the roadside in hysterics that he was there for me instantly, not by being by my side literally, but by being him.

I'm sorry I don't blog so often these days, I miss writing too. This last week of tension has made me realise that I need to keep working on re balancing my life so I have time for everything. Too much time with one particular aspect of your life can destroy it. But not enough time can be equally fatal.

I can't believe it's now December 2009... so close to the date I heard those words "One day Katelin... one day...". One day has arrived and is here to stay.

Awaiting the pay cheque...

Decided I needed to write something whilst the boss is away from her desk and I'm up to date with my work.

Well I have a cold and sound like a munchkin, its delightful. Other than that though it's all plain sailing and happy days.

Work is coming along nicely, continuous good appraisals, me, giving my colleagues no choice but to take me along to their meeting with them (which they don't seem to mind and gives me opportunity to get to know them better) and finishing work at a blissful 5.30 every day. Just waiting for that first pay cheque now so I can have an income again. Saying that it will soon be gone on bills and savings - ah well, I'll get there.

Things at work are becoming more social - I'm going to my colleagues 30th birthday party over the weekend and intend to dress up "Flashdance" style, followed by the following weekend where I'm participating in a 10K run for charity with my colleagues (fortunately someone dropped out so I jumped right in!) and then we have a Charity quiz in November followed by the Christmas party at Thorpe Park - i know!! in December.

Crikey, when I list it - that's quite a lot! Next year I intend to turn my extra curricular work activities to internal projects with the business and gain more knowledge of every area possible.

I'm completely absorbed in my job, fascinated and excited by everything that goes on, its great. This must have been how people felt at my old company who liked insurance... ergh... and finance... ergh... heehee :o)

I'm determined to prove myself, to rise above my position when I get confirmed in March then Mada and I can start to concentrate on buying our house and seeing a mortgage advisor.

If I get promoted to a Sales Executive I'll automatically get a company car. And as much as I don't want to sell my precious mini, I could save myself £250 a month without the cost of the car loan and insurance and that's a massive amount that could go towards our monthly mortgage.

I'm so determined to succeed it's unreal. I have never felt this way about any job, even when I was working to the bone at WR there was never passion just a MUST attitude.

Well if I am going to succeed, I guess I should get back to the job at hand. Thank GOD i waited those 4 long months - it was so worth it.

Conclusive Decision

I have decided that I love being in love, very much. I also love being loved. I love being told I'm loved and love telling that I love in return.

Love, love, love :o)

Happiness is Divine!

As the old saying goes - time flies when you're having fun.

I can't seem to breathe for a spare second at the moment but I will not complain one bit. I'm probably the happiest I have felt in a long time, maybe a few years. That's not to say I haven't had good times in the last few years (because I most certainly have) but I would say that overall I have a better balance - with happy times majorly out weighing any bad times.

Love is good. Work is good. And these are the two things that have been tiresomely bothering to me over the last year or so. That's really why I started full time blogging in the first place.

I feel like there is constantly so much to write about and catch up on - I see people in the streets and think how what i saw would make a funny or interesting entry. I feel a flutter in my heart or a niggle in my belly but by the time i get round to writing the moment has passed and the passionate ideas i had conjured up - disappeared. Oh well!

Now I'm working I'm trying to re balance all the important things in my life. Friendship for one has taken a backdrop. My first week I was exhausted and mentally retarded by 6pm so I didn't work out or see anyone all week (I know, shock horror!), last week, I managed to get to the gym on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. This week, I hope for the same work outs and also see BD on Tuesday and maybe another friend over the weekend.

Gradually in time I hope I can balance it all again.

It was so fabulous to finish work on Friday at 5.30 on the dot, grab the early train home without a worry in the world and knowing that some of my work for Monday had already been done and I only needed to client "send" this morning. Wow, you can't imagine the feeling!!

As the rentals have been on holiday Mada and I have made use of the alone time. Of course there has been lots of sexy time but more importantly it's been great, cooking together, chilling out in our PJ's and just feeling relaxed together. He was also a little distress after my first week in work as he saw me so much less - same amount of days, but less hours, so we rectified that this weekend.

As something nice, I took him to London Zoo on Saturday and we had such a laugh together - i have decided my new favourite animal is the Meerkat - so funny to watch! We followed that by taking a visit to China Town where he tried dim sum for the first time and LOVED it - I was so delighted! Planning to ask BD and Chris to come with us next time for the complete works. We came home and ate chocolate and drank milk in bed - perfect. HaHa! It was probably the nicest weekend I've had since I've been back. Sunday night all the cousins and partners got together at my cousin's house, it was a really nice, relaxed evening.

Well, must get on with what I'm paid to do - work to be done, but only just enough to keep me busy for the whole day ;o) Again, I shall not complain - for now! I have my first 121 with my manager at 2pm - fingers crossed it goes well. I think it will ;o)

Wake me up, when September ends...

September is here and the wind has a bitter chill, despite the bursts of sunshine between the clouds. Took a run outside today to try and clear my thoughts, I did, in a way, as all I could think about was how hard it seemed to be to pump oxygen around my body!

Last week the boy and I went to see Pete Murray at The Borderline. He was fantastic (Pete Murray that is!) and it felt so special to go with him (the boyfriend!), seeing as we have been fans for all these years. Who'd have thought we'd end up seeing him together and, more importantly as a couple.

I am so happy in my relationship, I know I have found the person I want to be with. I can be silly, I can share my secrets and dreams, I can cry and I can bitch, I can laugh til i cry, with him. With him I am me. I am happy.

Yeh, I am happy and sad too, at times. He pulls me through the darkest days, the days when I miss my former life. I am so thankful for him. That's why i can say I'm happy. Sunday i was so blue, he came over and we ordered Chinese and watched Mrs Doubtfire together. I don't know a lot of guys who'd watch such a shit film, just because they know their girl needs cheering up :o)

And so yes, it is September and it looks like I may soon be stumbling upon a dreaded Temporary job. I am still financially stable, I haven't touched my precious savings... yet. I still have time and money, fortunately, on my side.

I've thought about the jobs that I have applied for - though far and few between. The ones that mattered to me - in that, I genuinely wanted were as followed:

- Teacher Assistant (children)
- Projects Coordinator (travel)
- Volunteers Coordinator (charity)
- Sales Team (travel)
- Sales Coordinator (radio)
- Temps project manager (recruitment)
- Mandarin T.A (children)

I still wait to hear back on the radio job. The latest, I applied for today is a company set up who run after school clubs for children learning Mandarin (i wanna send my children there one day - heehee). You don't have to be able to speak Mandarin for the role I'm looking at, just to "be creative and enjoy working with primary aged children". Well, this would be a nice job to tie me over, all those little sweet Asian faces, then maybe it will help me decide if I should go back to college next year or not.

It really is a waiting game. I've seen a lot of jobs on line lately in claims and insurance. Must fight the resistance. I don't want to put myself back in that rut. Plus, despite how the CV looks, I'd probably struggle with any insurance work. Everyday was a struggle in KL. I want to do something I'm passionate about, and I believe that day will come , i must continue to pray.

Speaking of praying, I am a step closer to returning to church. Having chatted with my Gran (and avid songs of praise go-er) she just so happened to bump into the vicar's wife this week and told her about me. hmm. I have told gran I will take her one Sunday... maybe this Sunday, maybe next, we'll see.

Keep praying for me little followers of my GW.

xxx

A four letter word, beginning with "L".

If it is possible for your heart to physically skip a beat when you have nothing clinically wrong with you, then mine did last night...

... those words.

And so, the premier league begins...

As of tomorrow my relationship with my boyfriend will take on a new dimension. Are you moving in together? No. Are you getting engaged? Heck no. Perhaps I should be more specific.

As of tomorrow, Wives and Girlfriends relationships with their Husbands and Boyfriends, all over the world, will take on a new dimension.

Tomorrow, the Premiership begins.

Tomorrow, us lovely ladies, the ones they wine and dine, that they lie in bed with on a Saturday morning, that they make love to and tell that there is nothing more that they want/ love/ need in the world, will fade into the background and become, the second most important thing in their partner's life.

No one can quite prepare us for the change ahead. Try as we might to be involved in the football - we'll watch the highlights, text our boyfriends for a score update, listen to them rant and rave about the referee's poor judgement over a red card, nod in agreement and frown in confusion, attempt to remember who plays which position and what that bloody off-side rule is. WE (the female race) shall not compare with that of their team. Or in my case, the mighty Blues, Chelsea FC.

What can we do over this 9 month period of time, where our once beloved partners disappear for days, evenings at a time and return to us, beer-bellied and full of testosterone?

Not a lot, just wait for that day in May to finally arrive. NO. You're wrong my friend!

Well for one, perhaps we could try and appreciate our partners love for the sport. Now, don't get me wrong, in my case I don't need to appreciate it, for I actually enjoy watching the odd game or two. But, I don't believe I'll be parting with £40+ per week to go down to the football club to watch the game live. But I'm more than happy to join my man down the local and chug down a Corona and watch the footie up on the HDTV.

But fret not, why worry? We now have one day a week where we can spend 40 guiltless pounds on whatever we have a passion/ desire/ need for and no, it's not saving for a season ticket for ourselves for the 2010/ 11 premier league... it's shopping! And Coffee! and Pampering! with our girlfriends!

As our men get themselves ready on a Saturday morning we have a WHOLE day to do whatever we like! We can go for a morning jog, have brunch with our best girlfriends, shop in Windsor (or in my case, window shop), have coffee in Starbucks and get home just in time to welcome our men home with arms wide open to congratulate them/ consolidate them over the game result. Having quickly popped on the Chelsea TV to know EXACTLY what happened and WHY that player got sent off and WHO scored that AMAZING goal.

See where I am going with this?


And the men shall realise, wow, football is great but I'm glad I have my lovely wife/ girlfriend to come home to after a hard day at the ground. And although the man shall never openly admit it to their partner, they will come to realise that in time, although their team may have their ups and their downs, their girl will always consistently be there for them when they get home, a smiley, happy face and they shall turn to one another and whisper, "I know I say that football is the most important thing in my life, but i really mean that my woman is". And the men shall nod, in agreement.


We can but dream. Coffee tomorrow girls?

Stuck in Limbo

Oh what a week. This week I would say I have been pretty much unbearable to be around. My positive happy attitude went AWOL and my emotions went from wonderfully and blissfully happy to i-hate-you-fuck-off minute by minute.

I just wrote a whole blog entry and deleted with the click of a button, my writing sucks today, head still isn't in the right place to write coherently.

Perhaps it was the shoulder I cried on last night, perhaps sometimes crying releases more emotions than writing. Just occasionally.

I was worried I'd lost a part of me but perhaps I haven't lost it, perhaps I'm just sharing it with someone for the first time in a long while.

I'm writing bullshit today. My general wonderingments are all askew.

Gimmie a few days. I'll be back.

Spooning Leads To Forking

Are you the Big Spoon, or, the Little Spoon? Do you even know what I am talking about? Well for those of you who don't, I shall explain.

When lying in bed, together, cuddling up, it is inevitable at one time, that one partner shall have their back to the others front and they shall lie in a "spoon" like position.

As you can see in the picture below, one spoon shall always take the position of the "big" spoon and the other, as the "little" spoon. The big spoon cups the little spoon just like a draw of regular spoons, plastic or china, it don't matter.



As tradition would have it, a woman should always feel safe and secure wrapped up in her man's arms and therefore technically, the man should be the Big Spoon and the lady, well, she is the Little Spoon. The women feels loved, cherished and safe, she has her big man's, strong arms around her and she is nestled snuggly within them.

But what if suddenly the woman became the big spoon? Well the other day, I was accused of being the big spoon, would you believe it! Whilst being truly mortified I had to of course try and justify why i happened to be the "big spoon" that morning, and well, it was simply because HE had rolled over due to the light of the morning coming in through the blinds and I still wanted to cuddle up. so i technically spooned him.

I don't particularly mind cuddling up TO my man, but of course being prefer being cuddled BY him but how DARE you call ME the big spoon! For the love of God, surely you realise the connotations that are involved in calling me the BIG spoon, don't you?

Not only did i feel like a loser, but i suddenly felt like the man in the relationship which is ironic because my man is built like a brick shit house and I'm a tiny little woman... how on earth could i be labelled as the big spoon.

Boys, for the record, always spoon your lady, don't let her spoon you. And remember, most importantly, spooning almost always leads to forking and that can't be done if she is spooning you now, can it...?

Happy Ground - Pete Murray

Happy days are coming my way, its been some time, but here to stay,
Is the life of love Ive found, sends me up on happy ground.
Sleepy head has gone to bed, makes me laugh, face turn red,
Giggling down on the ground, I'll pick you up and spin you around.



Seeing him in concert in LDN August 26th :)

Trust & Respect

Trust. If you ask anyone what they think is the most important part of a relationship they will say Trust. If you don't trust one another, how can you share a life together? I don't believe you can.

For me, trust and respect for one another are two key elements that hold a relationship together.

Over the past few weeks the boy has begun to let his guard down, whilst I have very much been aware of not doing so. Why? Well, it's the fear I guess. But of late, my guard seems to be slipping more and more and I am letting him in. Progress, I assure you!

Something of my life which he is not (yet) privy to is my blogging. The main reason is that, well, I'm kinda shy (believe it or not) and also, a blog can sometimes be seen as a diary. Hurt and pain is shared, emotions once so strong and splurged all over the pages are, in a day or two, forgotten inside, but will remain in "ink" until the blog is deleted.

Today I decided, to let him in just a wee bit more, by not sending him my blog ad, but sending him yesterday's entry. Seeing as i constantly talk about blogging, the least i could do is show him some of the material i produce. I mean, i know most of it is pretty lame and I'm never going to become a famous blogger, but I do enjoy writing down my General Wonderingments.

Of course, I'd love to share more and I realise I do write very openly in my blog and it occurred to me yesterday that if he were to read some of the intimate things that I write, he may be hurt that other people are privy to my thoughts, but not he.

Therefore i have a series of options:

- I stop blogging *sob*
- I set a privacy setting so only I can ever access my blog (therefore, what is the point??)
- I write more in my third person narrative (which i do tend to do from time to time)
- I carry on writing in my brutal factual manner and pay the price of hurting a loved one by not having RESPECT for him.

Did I just say "loved one"?

I want to respect... therefore from here on, I chose option 3 to carry on blogging, but maybe disconnect myself somewhat from the intimate feelings displayed in my writing.

At the end of the day my relationship with Mada is 1 million times more important than my relationship with a keyboard.

I don't want to make the same mistakes I have done in the past. I want this one to work out and never end.

Shit, i just did it again. Dammit.

Mr Big & Carrie

Whilst watching SATC, he lay with his head on my lap whilst I tickled him softly - it was a fair compromise.

With his eyes shut, and her eyes on the TV, the following conversation takes place:

"So which SATC character are you?"

"I'm Carrie"

"Oh really? I'd put you more as a Charlotte - not that I watch it or anything! Haha"

"No, I'm Carrie, because she searches for love but keeps going back to Mr Big and one day, they work things out - see, I'm Carrie and you're Mr Big"

Later...

(Whilst still watching SATC, she yells at the TV) "But Mr Big DOES love you Carrie!!"

(With eyes still shut) "Yes, Mr Big does love Carrie"


Longest silence in the history of mankind follows.

Thinking Too Much

I freaked out last night.

I don't know what it is, and I do. The last few days when we have been together Mada has said to me that I look like I'm constantly "thinking" or about to say something and then hold back.

The truth is, I can't really believe how lucky I am and now, I am getting the fear, the fear of rejection. What if I finally, well and truly, let me guard down and then he breaks my heart, again? This time it would be breakable beyond repair.

He keeps reassuring me that he won't, he won't leave me, ever. It scares the shit out of me.

Owh, I'm annoyed!

Aiyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. So now, the Dream Job has come back to me, acknowledging my application but also saying that the interview (if selected) will not be held until 28th July... that's 2 weeks away!

Whilst it's aggravating, Butdunc has saved my sanity by telling me that she went on their website and that they have extended the closing date til next week. Therefore, whilst their email said they had received a large number of applications the website suggests otherwise - hence her logic was that maybe not enough people have applied - I hope so hunni, but then surely they should have just looked at my application and wanted me straight away - no?? ;)

The thing that worries me is that what if i get offered the school position and have to tell them yes/ no BEFORE I have the interview with the other company. Do I just say yes and then, if I get offered the other job, back out of the contract? Or do I risk it and not accept - if offered at all??

Why do situations always have to be like this? - If any one turns and says to me that it is a test from above, I'll smack 'em. Is there any one listening up there? Have i not been tested enough? :)

Meanwhile, I was woken up several times last night. Why you ask? Because every time Mada woke up he moved across the bed to cuddle up to me.

I can't understand it. Can someone really want to be with you that much?

Well, I like it. Even if I am tired.