Slow and Steady Wins The Race???

Forgot to mention - next half marathon is in 8 weeks. Just started properly training last week and managed 22km over the course of the week. I feel SO unfit! I guess I haven't really worked hard at running since the last one back in September. Mada and I are running it together. Let's pray I can keep up with him - !!

Things are looking up again - or is it just PMA?

The weekend gave me sometime to think/ talk over how I was feeling and start afresh. With the support of my friends and family, it worked. I'm a firm believer that with PMA (positive mental attitude) comes positivity in your surroundings. Of course, it is hard to FEEL positive when you feel really low, so every now and then we just have to suck it up and suffer the consequences if we choose to be downbeat!

Already this week I managed to create some pretty good promos on Adobe (awaiting feedback!) and have been told that as part of my promotional work I'm doing on Saturday I will also get to do two on air links - joy! So I have effectively killed two birds with one stone - extra money and on air exposure. Sure it'll be just a minute or two but better than none!

I think this opportunity was given to me on the basis that my colleague who organises the promotional workers heard some of my "on air" work when we had "radio experience" last week, which is where effectively, you produce and record a "live" show - except it doesn't go on air. I got the role of "Showbiz Reporter" and have to say, sounded pretty nifty - or so everyone keeps telling me! I love Mada's face when he hears it, he just beams, he's so proud, bless. If only it were real!!

Baby steps, fingers crossed it all goes well for me on Saturday! The only way is up!

Gotta Keep Going

Yesterday was a bad day from beginning to end and I know I need to pull myself out of this slump of being miserable and shedding too many tears.

Last night I bailed out on having a girls night out with my colleagues and just wanted to go home and get into bed. Instead Mada dragged me down to a quiet pub with our best mates and despite my objections, the distraction worked and it cheered me up.

This quiet weekend I am working on boosting my moral and getting back on top of things. Already I feel better today, to the point where Mada said "I've missed you, I'm so glad you're back". What a saint to put up with me at times!

Next weekend is looking promising - I'm working Saturday morning which will be extra money and with the prospect of doing an on air link, followed by training on how to drive the desk with a mate in the arvo. Keep pushing and I know I'll see results. I hope that result includes reaching my dreams as well as an increment in my salary - totally selfish but totally how I feel.

FML

Today I hit an all time low.

I arrived at the train station in time to buy my weekly 7 day season pass. It's £26.20. As I put in my pin the machine made a weird noise and told me that the authorization failed.

Reluctantly I realised that my funds must be low and so re did the transaction for just a return ticket (which is about £7). I put my pin in again and, once again my card was rejected.

Fuck. No money in my account and £3 in my wallet. I wracked my brains for a solution. Fortunately I knew I could get on the train as there is no barrier at the local station but I knew I wouldn't get through on the other side.

So I swallowed my pride and called Mada who quickly transferred £50 to my account (in case I was also overdrawn) so that I could pay at the other end - that was if the money would go through.

At the same time I had the train ticket checker guy asking me to show my ticket and so I had to wriggle my way out of paying by mouthing, I'll pay at the station whilst on the phone, feeling pretty tearful and embarrassed that I would have to explain why I couldn't pay then and there - in that, I'm fucking poor.

I arrived at my station and prayed that the money had transferred in time. Well thank God for Internet banking. It had transferred and I bought my pass and set off on my walk to my office.

Please tell me that one day and the hours and no money will pay off.... Morale is at an all time low :(

I'm in love

What a bloody miserable post - my first of 2010. I'm appalled at myself. It's just because I don't ever get the opportunity to blog privately these days and happen to have a moment on a miserable morning. Saying that, I remember something I drafted in my email account just two days ago that's worth posting... it went something like this...

"You know when you watch a romantic movie and you see this kiss, this magical kiss, between the two lead characters who are just so deeply in love you can imagine ever finding a love like that? Well, I have. God, I've never been so in love in my whole life, it's sickening..."

Maybe I should keep this feeling in mind, when everything I wrote about below gets on top of me.

:)

Bummed Out.

Community spirit is up around our hood, somehow the snow has united people. People also seem to be working together to make life easier. People are more friendly on the roads, they'll stop and help push your car if it gets stuck and they'll give you a hand if you slip over. The train waits just 5 seconds more for you to get on just in time and your boss doesn't yell at you for not showing up for work.

On the other side, so many people complain about the council not doing enough - roads not being gritted, train delays, power cuts for more than 48 hours. Yes it's cold, yes it's icy, yes its hard work but I wish people would look at the positive and good things that have come from the situation.

Whatever the council do, however perfect, fault will always be found. Why? Because we are British. We like to complain. We ought to be more thankful. I keep thinking of all those in Haiti. Surely they are worse off than us? Yes they are. So bare that in mind next time you moan about our country. We're doing alright.

It is hard though isn't it? To keep positive. I heard a quote I liked the other day by Winston Churchill:

"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."

I like this and it's very true. No matter how rubbish things are we must always look at the good in it all. Generally speaking, I believe I do but everyone has their off days (week, in my case).

Right now, I'm having a crap week and yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself. I feel like I have no direction in my career, I feel lost in the middle of it all, I want us to buy our house but we're yet to see our mortgage advisor and even begin looking and I miss my friends in KL dearly.

But of course, I continue to try and keep the positive in mind - I HAVE a job, I HAVE a home to live in, I HAVE friends (lovely friends) here. But it's hard, you know.

Everyday living seems monotonous, nothing to aim for, nothing to look forward to no targets to be met, no achievements to be made.

I know its just a moo(!) point and it will pick up soon. I guess this is just everyday, reality. Maybe I should just suck it up, and deal with it.

We are getting a puppy :)

Well, not just yet, hopefully this time next year, once we have our house. After some deliberation we have decided on a Beagle.... can't wait!

Year End

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and our last day of work before Christmas. We finish at 1 and then will be in and out of the office until 4th Jan. The majority of time I'll be off though - yeh!

I didn't get the promotion, despite feeling like i was led to believe that I would do by my manager. I feel OK about it as I know I'll get there in time but at the same time can't help but feel like I've let both myself and Mada down.

I guess we'll just have to work extra hard at saving to get our house next year. We WILL have our house by next year. I'll make sure of it!

I'll be wrapping all my Christmas presents tonight and I'm excited to do so, especially my presents for Mada which I have put so much thought into - I hope he likes them.

Last night a few of us went for dinner at The Bee. Although pricey, the place has undergone a complete revamp and the food was AMAZING.

I love Christmas time, so much time to spend with friends and family. The best parts being midnight mass tomorrow night, waking up next to Mada and sharing Christmas day with my whole family - yay!

To 2010! Woho!

Hilarious

My colleague was winding me up just now and I looked up from my desk and said jokely "You're such a chi bai". Ha! She looked at me like "WTF??"

It just came out. Lol :o)

Lucky Me

It's lovely to have such dilemmas isn't it? Too have too much choice, rather than too little.

Dilemma

I am being interviewed on Monday to potentially be promoted and take care of a Sales maternity position for 9 months. The prospects are great and I'm gonna go for it.

My head says do it.

My heart tells me to hang in there and wriggle my way into production and broadcasting but this won't happen over night and I'm not sure I have the patience and time to commit to it. I know, like anything though, if I want it badly enough, I'd work at it.

I usually make heart felt decisions but I'll let my head lead for now, see how it goes and if I am successful, perhaps in 9 months I can look at my options once again.

Although given my lack of qualifications in this area I don't know if I'll get the job at all. But I'll give it a crack.

2009 has treated me well so far, to end on an even bigger high would be simply too good to be true!

November

November has been a whirlwind of a month and finally today, December arrives.

November was a trying month, but a good month all the same. With all the goings on Mada and I have found, at times, our relationship a little less easy, than the previous months. But we realised that despite being upset with one another at times, we have both worked equally as hard to keep going at it.

We realised that we are still in our early days and we are still learning about one another but essentially, that we make each other better people and will grow stronger individually and as a couple by being by one an other's side.

Last week was tough in particular with his friends from America visiting. Although it has been fun, our usual everyday living schedule has been disrupted, resulting in irritable and irrational behaviour at times but that in turn has somehow made us even stronger.

December 1st (today) was in my mind, set to be a fresh start, however, this morning was the first frost of the year and devastatingly I got caught out by black ice on the road this morning and after a 360 degree spin on a straight (but thankfully wide and empty) road, crashed my car resulting in a trip down to the accident and emergency.

I'm OK but I have whiplash and having layed down all day in bed I needed to do something, and blogging seemed appropriate. What I was thankful for the most, was knowing that I had told Mada I loved him last night and him telling me too, before saying goodnight and when I called him from the roadside in hysterics that he was there for me instantly, not by being by my side literally, but by being him.

I'm sorry I don't blog so often these days, I miss writing too. This last week of tension has made me realise that I need to keep working on re balancing my life so I have time for everything. Too much time with one particular aspect of your life can destroy it. But not enough time can be equally fatal.

I can't believe it's now December 2009... so close to the date I heard those words "One day Katelin... one day...". One day has arrived and is here to stay.

Update

Isn't it funny that when I was unhappy I sometimes blogged up to 3 times a day, no I have left it days, weeks since I last wrote an entry! I guess that says something in itself :o)

Tomorrow Grandma turns 90 and the whole family are heading down to Dorset to stay in a huge cottage to celebrate over a long weekend. I can't wait. I spent many hours working on a "This Is Your Life" DVD which I finally finished last night at about midnight (by the time i got to bed) and was up at 5am to head to work for the Breakfast Show this morning.

Never thought I'd look forward at getting up for work at 5am and voluntarily too.

Things just get better and better.

Just 5 more months to go and then we'll be at the bank trying to see what sort of mortgage we can get. We've set ourselves the date of March 2010. Time to work hard, save hard and party only a little bit ;o)

Last week I ran a cross-country 10K race for a charity called CHASE. We raised about £600+ for terminally ill children who stay at this hospice. I think I mentioned it before. The weather was diabolical and we literally were running in mud up to our ankles. I've got really bad shin splints but they're easing today. All for a good cause for children far worse off than me, so I won't complain. It was a real challenge over all.

That's all for now, must get back to the day job :o)

xxx

Awaiting the pay cheque...

Decided I needed to write something whilst the boss is away from her desk and I'm up to date with my work.

Well I have a cold and sound like a munchkin, its delightful. Other than that though it's all plain sailing and happy days.

Work is coming along nicely, continuous good appraisals, me, giving my colleagues no choice but to take me along to their meeting with them (which they don't seem to mind and gives me opportunity to get to know them better) and finishing work at a blissful 5.30 every day. Just waiting for that first pay cheque now so I can have an income again. Saying that it will soon be gone on bills and savings - ah well, I'll get there.

Things at work are becoming more social - I'm going to my colleagues 30th birthday party over the weekend and intend to dress up "Flashdance" style, followed by the following weekend where I'm participating in a 10K run for charity with my colleagues (fortunately someone dropped out so I jumped right in!) and then we have a Charity quiz in November followed by the Christmas party at Thorpe Park - i know!! in December.

Crikey, when I list it - that's quite a lot! Next year I intend to turn my extra curricular work activities to internal projects with the business and gain more knowledge of every area possible.

I'm completely absorbed in my job, fascinated and excited by everything that goes on, its great. This must have been how people felt at my old company who liked insurance... ergh... and finance... ergh... heehee :o)

I'm determined to prove myself, to rise above my position when I get confirmed in March then Mada and I can start to concentrate on buying our house and seeing a mortgage advisor.

If I get promoted to a Sales Executive I'll automatically get a company car. And as much as I don't want to sell my precious mini, I could save myself £250 a month without the cost of the car loan and insurance and that's a massive amount that could go towards our monthly mortgage.

I'm so determined to succeed it's unreal. I have never felt this way about any job, even when I was working to the bone at WR there was never passion just a MUST attitude.

Well if I am going to succeed, I guess I should get back to the job at hand. Thank GOD i waited those 4 long months - it was so worth it.

Conclusive Decision

I have decided that I love being in love, very much. I also love being loved. I love being told I'm loved and love telling that I love in return.

Love, love, love :o)

Bbbbrrrrr!!

I nearly froze to death at the train station this morning, I thought the tip of my tippy-toes, fingers and nose may just fall off!!

Time to purchase some thermals and make it fashion!!

That, or just stop wearing ridiculously short dresses to work. Hum.

For Each A Road

"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail..."

The Girls; Lori Lansens.

Happiness is Divine!

As the old saying goes - time flies when you're having fun.

I can't seem to breathe for a spare second at the moment but I will not complain one bit. I'm probably the happiest I have felt in a long time, maybe a few years. That's not to say I haven't had good times in the last few years (because I most certainly have) but I would say that overall I have a better balance - with happy times majorly out weighing any bad times.

Love is good. Work is good. And these are the two things that have been tiresomely bothering to me over the last year or so. That's really why I started full time blogging in the first place.

I feel like there is constantly so much to write about and catch up on - I see people in the streets and think how what i saw would make a funny or interesting entry. I feel a flutter in my heart or a niggle in my belly but by the time i get round to writing the moment has passed and the passionate ideas i had conjured up - disappeared. Oh well!

Now I'm working I'm trying to re balance all the important things in my life. Friendship for one has taken a backdrop. My first week I was exhausted and mentally retarded by 6pm so I didn't work out or see anyone all week (I know, shock horror!), last week, I managed to get to the gym on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. This week, I hope for the same work outs and also see BD on Tuesday and maybe another friend over the weekend.

Gradually in time I hope I can balance it all again.

It was so fabulous to finish work on Friday at 5.30 on the dot, grab the early train home without a worry in the world and knowing that some of my work for Monday had already been done and I only needed to client "send" this morning. Wow, you can't imagine the feeling!!

As the rentals have been on holiday Mada and I have made use of the alone time. Of course there has been lots of sexy time but more importantly it's been great, cooking together, chilling out in our PJ's and just feeling relaxed together. He was also a little distress after my first week in work as he saw me so much less - same amount of days, but less hours, so we rectified that this weekend.

As something nice, I took him to London Zoo on Saturday and we had such a laugh together - i have decided my new favourite animal is the Meerkat - so funny to watch! We followed that by taking a visit to China Town where he tried dim sum for the first time and LOVED it - I was so delighted! Planning to ask BD and Chris to come with us next time for the complete works. We came home and ate chocolate and drank milk in bed - perfect. HaHa! It was probably the nicest weekend I've had since I've been back. Sunday night all the cousins and partners got together at my cousin's house, it was a really nice, relaxed evening.

Well, must get on with what I'm paid to do - work to be done, but only just enough to keep me busy for the whole day ;o) Again, I shall not complain - for now! I have my first 121 with my manager at 2pm - fingers crossed it goes well. I think it will ;o)

Let's Multiply!

I've definitely learnt a lot about myself this week and last. It's amazing when put in new and unfamiliar surroundings how much you come to depend on yourself.

The new job involves a lot of maths, percentages, targets, gross profit... oh the list goes on (in the form of a spreadsheet) and if you know anything about me you'll know that maths is something I will literally do anything to avoid. It may not be the trickiest of calculations but when faced with numbers i just completely panic and go into meltdown mode.

Unfortunately at my job interview it wasn't really made clear to me just how much maths, formulas and spreadsheets were involved in the day to day running of my job (had it been so, i probably wouldn't have accepted it!) and so i am faced with two choices - face the challenge head on or run away and hide as usual.

This time I've decided to tackle it one on one. Literally. It's me against the world of multiply and division.

I have found over the course of last week and today that by breathing deeply, working slowly and methodically, ensuring I understand the theory behind the calculation, checking, double checking and OCD checking, I can do it.

I have literally amazed myself. The fear of failing and looking stupid (which, I really would do for most of the questions I would ask if I dare speak my thoughts)have driven me to self contain my questions and work out the answers by myself.

I'm really proud of myself. It probably sounds stupid to anyone reading this. But think of the hardest most challenging task you have to do and how much you hate doing it and how hard you find it every time you even look at it, simple or hard. Well that's me with numbers, but this week has been my first steps to opening my mind to the fact that I CAN do it.

On another note, I asked my manager if it would be OK if I left the office dead on 5.30 today as I wanted to make the 17.43 train to go to my body pump class. She looked at me as if I'd just asked for a pay rise. Guess I'm not use to working for a company which doesn't frown upon you leaving the moment you stop getting paid.

Forever Friends

I'm sorry I couldn't take your call
I'm sorry you had to talk to silence
I'm sorry you felt so alone


I'm sorry I live a million miles away
I'm sorry I can't give you a hug
I'm sorry I can't be the best friend you need

For what it's worth, I'll never be sorry I met you, only sorry that it wasn't sooner and that I couldn't take you with me

xoxo