Workin' 9-5 (what a way to make a livin')

Buggerations. I'd been keeping a blog the good old fashioned way (quill and ink)whilst on holiday in Krabi last week and wanted to type it up whilst I have some free time this afternoon. However, I'm sitting in Delicious and just had a rather tasty salad and my note book is somewhere in my apartment.

Well in a nutshell, it seems that the holiday was just what I needed to put everything into perspective (love life not included in the "everything" nutshell!).

I am finally admitting to myself that my job is not for me. Whilst it has served a purpose and given me the opportunity to experience a wonderful life changing few years, i feel it's time to move on.

I have never slept so much in my life, finally, i was relaxed and literally at every opportunity i passed out - on the beach, in the hotel room, on a boat, in the bus, on the plane, even in bars! Poor BD, I clearly was no company for her! But it proved to me that I'm physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. It's time to get out.

Whilst I say I'm "stressed" and probably overuse that term somewhat, I realise that I do tend to generate my own stress. Taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture, although my job is "stressful" I doubt I help the situation. I know the job isn't right for me, I've always known that, but it's been everything around it that I've loved.

The reason I haven't given up is because I don't like to fail at anything I do. And for a year + I have been going back and forth deliberating should I stay or should i go? Knowing full well I should go. So i have decided that I am going to leave, but it's just deciding when. And I realise that choosing to leave isn't failing - i have tried my hardest to make it work.

If I complete my contract (Dec 2009) I gain the following:

- I will have served my contract in full (so for future employment I can explain that my contract ended rather than I left)
- I get a MYR 30,000 bonus.
- My flight back to the UK will be paid for (should I wish to return)
- Repatriation of my personal belongings
- I get to stay in Malaysia for one more full year

If I leave before (I need to give minimum 3 months notice)

- There is a chance I will have to leave Malaysia for good
- None of the above points apply

Really, the repat points above don't matter as I wish to stay here but I have to consider them in my options. The trouble is getting a visa in Malaysia is hard in the areas that I want to work in (i.e NOT insurance!) so, I know I need to take everything slowly and think long and hard before handing in my resignation.

It's so funny to think that I hated Malaysia when I moved here and now it feels more like home than any other place in the world.

BD and I made a list of all the things I would consider when it comes to employment, they are the following:

- Travel
- Non office based (or mixture of out and in)
- people facing
- no maths or excel!
- Children
- Media/ entertainment/ PR
- counseling
- theatre/ radio
- production and broadcasting
- writing
- project work (i.e under developed country)
- creative team
- TEFL
- fitness and health
- Make up (stage)

So where do I go from here? I guess I need to look at jobs where I can use one or more of these interests and apply accordingly - sounds so easy doesn't it? Well... that's my 2009 project. For now, I'm just gonna ride out the end of 2008 and see what the New Year brings.

The Break Up Hangover

Gargh! Everywhere I look there are frickin buses. Buses, buses, buses. But none of them are stopping at the destination I want!

Last night we went to one of Blank’s events, I nearly lost it. It is so obvious that I am still in love (yes, I said it) with him.

The moment I saw him I just melted, I don’t know what it is, but it tears me up inside. It seemed every time I looked up I caught him looking at me and suddenly he would divert away making me feel like the one who was looking for him.

Every now and then we seemed to bump into each other, make small talk etc and I carried on with my night, dancing a ridiculous amount with Bombies, picking up new gay friends and bumping into friends that I didn’t even know were there. It was a really good atmosphere and good fun.

Later on in the evening a guy approached me at the bar and asked if I worked out at Fitness First, transpires that “when you work out a lot, you notice the regulars” (I’m a regular! Ha!). Anyway this guy and I (I have no idea what his name was I THINK I remember but it was so loud I couldn’t quite grasp it, let’s just call him GYM2 guy) got chatting and he seemed really nice. We kept bumping into each other and passing exchanges of cheeky comments. I hope I see him at the gym sometime soon. What is it about the gym? I mean dam, I look rough as anything when I work out. If a guy can like you when you’re all hot and sweaty then heck, I feel flattered. But then maybe that’s it – the hot and sweatiness! Well, whatever turns you on :P

Later on the club got raided (HOW under 18’s school discoesque?) and Blanks came over to our group, he plonked himself next to me and we got chatting. He put his arm around me, giggled with me over some stupid crap, and we shared a cigarette (no I haven’t started smoking again, just a social few) our heads were about an inch apart, I swear, there was a moment where I was THAT CLOSE to kissing him but I just had to stop myself, it would have been a bad idea, plus the fact that he would have probably been like “Um, hello? Can you kindly remove yourself from my lips please? Thank you.” Anyway, I told him I could do with a friendly face because of the shit going on at work and said let’s get coffee next week. As we all left an hour or so later, he told me to call him.

Earlier in the evening I confessed to Bombies that I was still “in that place” and it’s killing me. As the tears welled up Bombies yelled “OOOOoooh no you don’t. No, no, no” Haha, made me laugh and it worked too, I sucked them back in. It felt good to talk to someone, even if it was just for a few seconds about how I feel.
I just find it so bizarre that I’m so hung up on him.I know I’m over the initial shit but it’s this lingering around period I’m not enjoying at all. Don’t get me wrong it’s not occupying my mind 24/7 but it’s definitely something that is there like a little piece of torn skin on the roof of your mouth – if I could just stop tonguing it, it would probably heal.

I mentioned it to my sister on the phone earlier and she said well, perhaps that’s because you’re growing up and your feelings for someone now in comparison to a relationship you may have had a year ago are magnified and more intense. You can say that again.

They say that in order to get over one guy you need to start dating another. Although I don’t want to get over him (I personally wish I was under him right now) I’ve gotta do something, I can’t keep going on like this. Harboring feelings for someone that doesn’t want me, it just hurts too much. Plus, I feel like a complete and utter loser! It’s not to say that I wouldn’t mind dating NEW guy, GYM guy or GYM2 guy it’s just… they’re not him.

Maybe if HE could just do the following then MAYBE I could get over it:

1) Not look at me when he thinks I’m not looking at him
2) Get a bad hair cut or have his eye brows shaved off
3) Wear awful clothes
4) Put weight on and grow man boobs
5) Be really obtuse and horrible and not speak in English
6) Move country

Is that so much to ask?

Men Are Like Buses

Men are like buses. You wait FOREVER for one and then two come along at once.

I'm perturbed. Despite that Blanks is still hovering about in my blocked out thoughts, I have had my eye on a NEW guy who I have taken quite a shine to.

Of course, me being me, I have done absolutely nothing about it, as, believe it or not I am DEAD SHY when it comes to dating. I know what you're thinking, yeah right, but it's true - I'm useless! I moan and moan that I want a man but would never in my dreams actually ask someone out!

So anyway, just as I was slowly making my move in my own unique way on NEW guy I get a text from one of the trainers at the gym saying, GYM guy was just here and was asking for your number - gargh! *BLUSH* I've had my eye on this GYM guy for ages, I actually thought he was pretty cute a while back and chat to him quite a lot. I kinda sensed that maybe he was out my league (totally hot) and so didn't pursue it (I love how i say didn't pursue it - exactly how would I have pursued him if I had intended to anyway???) and then low and behold, I get sent his number from one of my friends.

So now I'm like hhmm what to do. Because I was quite intent on trying to develop the relationship with the NEW guy but now GYM guy has shown an interest I'm inclined to pursue that too.

Hhhmm.

What to do? I really, really had my mind set on NEW guy... he's funny. I like funny. But I'd be a fool to turn down a date with GYM guy when NEW guy hasn't even shown any real sign of interest other than a few jokey exchanges in email and a couple of group outings.

I really like NEW guy the most if I'm honest... but seeing as there is not a chicken's chance in Thailand that I will make a move on him, that leaves GYM guy who has already shown an IOI (indicator of interest).

Can I date both?

You look Tired = You Look Rough

If one more person tells me I look "tired" I'm going to punch them.

Furthermore...

Further to the below, I think when I have relaxed a bit on my holiday I may try and list what it is exactly that is stressing me out so much about my work and try and organise my thoughts and concerns. It's all well and good moaning about something but that's not actually going to make it any better. Yes Bubs, good idea, you do that. :P

I'm "stressed"

It's so great having ButDunc (BD) here with me. BD loves just being a lazy bum, so eating and mooching works well with her :) and that's pretty much all we've done so far - tonight we'll go for Steamboat to really over indulge - I told her to wear "baggy pants" haha.

Strangely enough, I feel much more aware of my "stressed" persona. Only during/ after work yesterday. BD commented last night that perhaps I was a little bit more stressed than I let on to people and as I lay in bed last night I realised that I do do a good job of putting it aside. It's not until someone specifically points out your "flaws" or whatever is going on that you may realise that your speculation is true. But doesn't everyone get stressed? Is everyone THIS stressed but just hides it? I'm not sure, I wonder...

Although saying that, I'm never one to not comment that I'm stressed, I know I do, I yell, moan, scream, but I guess I do it in a jokey way. I think a lot of people comment about a true feeling in a silly manner as they want to let people know how they feel but without raising too much alarm/ making themselves vulnerable etc.

Well I work out, which disperses most of it, and by the time I see my friends in the evening I tend to shut down from work thoughts. At the weekends, if I'm not doing some work, I again, avoid talking about it so as to discourage it's existence. Do other people do the same? I imagine so. Everyone has their own coping mechanism for every problem. Our Medical Advisor (the one who's Husband hanged himself) was at work, the morning of his funeral, now that to me is just wrong, but, seemingly it's the only way she can cope right now.

Shit, how can I moan about my life being stressful when someone I know has just had their Husband kill themself? aiyo...

(paused)

well, in my own world I guess this is my biggest problem - oh that and probably having no job and having to move back to the uk next year - snigger snigger (see there I go again, making a joke out of something that I am genuinely concerned about - I hate how I can break down my own defense mechanism, it's shocking!)

Having BD here, not "watching" me but definitely glancing, taking care, I notice that she spots how edgy I am at work, but she isn't offended by my "Gargh!ness" only slightly concerned it seems.

Today I just feel like my head is going to explode, trying to prioritise my work seems impossible as every client believes that their case should be the priority - and it should be, in an ideal world.

Sigh.... I gotta get on... I just thought blogging might help a bit but now I just feel like I wasted ten mins of my day.

- note, unsure why I put a lot of words in "inverted commas" today.

By Your Side ~ Sade

You think i'd leave your side baby
You know me better than that
You think i'd leave you down when you're down on your knees
I wouldn't do that
I'll tell you you're right when you want
And if only you could see into me

Oh when you're cold
I'll be there
Hold you tight to me

When you're on the outside baby and you can`t get in
I will show you you're so much better than you know
When you're lost and you're alone and you can't get back again
I will find you darling and i will bring you home

And if you want to cry
I am here to dry your eyes
And in no time
You'll be fine

You think i'd leave your side baby
You know me better than that
You think I'd leave you down when you're down on your knees
I wouldn't do that
I'll tell you you're right when you want
And if only you could see into me

Oh when you're cold
I'll be there
Hold you tight to me
When you're low
I'll be there
By your side baby

Oh when you're cold
I'll be there
Hold you tight to me
Oh when you're low
I'll be there
By your side baby

Brace Yourself Update!

Just a quick one, next week I will have been sporting my delightful braces for 3 months - I now have less than a year to go! Waho - 11 months to be exact.

Please see below for self explanatory progress report (it runs back to front because the silly uploader thingy is playing up and I don't have time to faff around with it):

Pic 1) Month 3
Pic 2) Month 2
Pic 3) Month 1
Pic 4) Before

Fun At The Circus

I was emailing H first thing this morning, telling him what I'd been up to lately.

Work has been really demanding and I am currently going through a "OMG I hate my job" phase (it comes and goes every month or so, lasts about a week etc, no big deal).

One of the reasons I find it hard is because I find it difficult to switch off. Even when I met Bombies for lunch yesterday I found myself very distracted and hard to concentrate on the conversation just because thoughts were whizzing through my mind of what I need to do or how I am going to do something.

Last night I needed to get out of the office quick smart to beat the traffic as I only have limited days in which I can train as my recovery after a big run is about 2days. I knew if I didn't run tonight I would miss out on a session, thus delaying my progress.

As I left the office I was really stressed as I hadn't done half the things I wanted to. But as soon as I was running, I forgot all about it. One of the reasons why I love running so much is that it completely clears my mind. No matter how exhausted I am (mentally or physically) running completely rejuvenates my mind, body and soul. I sleep like a baby pretty much every night because of it. It is my only stress relief at the moment (Tell me again why I quit smoking? Gargh!)

I spent three hours at the gym last night, I ran for an hour and a half (my knees really hurt today, despite the fact that I sat with ice on them afterwards, am taking cod liver oil and anti inflammatory) and then after a short break trained with my PT for over an hour on upper body and abs. To say I ache is an understatement.

He weighed me in at 56K AGAIN - why can't I get down to my target of 54K?? He said it's because I refuse to compromise my diet - it's true. I'd rather be 2K over my target weight and eat whatever the hell I want than be at my target but deprive myself of lattes, pizza, ben & jerrys, magi mee, laksa.. oh the list goes on. I explained to my PT, you know, my body isn't designed this way. I am supposed to be FAT. This is not my "natural" shape. He told me I should thank God for that, I was like eh? Why? He was a bit inconsiderate giving me the "fat" gene. He said I should thank Him for giving me the motivation to work out so hard. I said no, I thank my company for paying me enough that I can afford YOU to motivate me!! haha.

Anyway, what I'm really blogging about is how hard it is to make time in our lives for everything we want.

Last month I had to juggle:

work, sport, love, social

Now I am just juggling:

work, sport, social

But once I start working at the radio I will have to juggle:

work, sport, hobby, social

But I also would like 2009 to include

work, sport, hobby, social and love

My question is this - if I managed to fit work, sport, social and love in my life before, how is it that I am struggling with just work, sport and social now? And now I want to add hobby - it should equate to that of my lifestyle last month - yet I see it impossible that I will be able to balance so much.

Is it possible that ten years from now I could have work, sport, hobby, social, love and CHILDREN?? hahaha - impossible! Surely!

So my point is this. Hu. I actually don't think I have a point. But I think what I'm saying is that everybody adjusts themselves to fit the life style they truly desire-if you want to have a fulfilled life you just HAVE to make it work.

No matter how stressed I get trying to balance everything I am a person who needs to be continuously occupied. My MD in the UK has a motto: "Stress is good". I use to hate it when she said it but I realised that I actually perform better as a person under pressure/ demand/ time constraint/ target. Well, sometimes. Therefore, I will take on the impossible.

Because, all work and no play makes Jack a very dull boy.

It also makes Bubs a very dull girl.

DJ Bubs

I'm feeling edgy, suspicious, uncomfortable... too many things are going well these days. I know what you're thinking already, so shut up and keep your thoughts to yourself!

I just got a call from BFM, I went for an interview there months back but to no avail. They said they'd keep me in mind for a future project but my English accent was a hindarence for broadcasting.

Now, they say they have a project for me - An English Tourist in Malaysia! Haha! They want me to do a weekly show, where I get out and about in Klang Valley, experiencing "touristy" stuff. Make it a bit slap-stick, take a recorder with me and give commentry, talk to the locals - sounds fun! I'm game!

I've told them I'll brainstorm and get back to them - finally, I get to be back on air - one of my favourite places in the world - haha. I guess there ARE benefits to my accent after all!

But why now? Why suddenly are all these wonderful things happening to me? Is it just that the pendulum has swung to the other side or is it that finally, someone wants me to have some good in my life? Or, am I giving off such a positive energy that good things are coming my way? OR: SHOULD I JUST ACCEPT WHATS GOING ON AND STOP OVER ANALYSING???

Whatever it is, I am thankful. It's about time! Thank you Thank you x 1,000.

And so, it begins.

Quick Question

How is it, that you spend weeks getting over someone, you finally get "closure" and then the next day, they say something that has you questioning everything all over again?

(Rolling my eyes and laughing! My life is one big drama!)

God Works In Mysterious Ways

My oh my, He really does.

So, my blog below describes how I had a feeling on Sunday evening that I wanted to see Blanks. But I didn't do anything about it and then that night, I dreamt about it.

Then my dream, became a reality.

Last night I was lying on my sofa after a really hard core training session, and was literally just thinking about Blanks and lo and behold, I receive a text: "Hei, how are you? Would you like to join me for coffee?"

I freaked out, again. These "coincidences" just keep happening. What on Earth is going on here? After an initial ARGH panic, I decided to say sure. There are no games anymore, and I really wanted to see him.

I went into town (deliberately arriving a little late - OK, OK so there are always SOME games) and there he was sitting there...

I walked up to him and gave him a kiss of the cheek which was reciprocated and we sat for a good couple of hours, just catching up, laughing, talking a little about "us" and what we had been up to etc. I told him about my experience with God and I was very aware that my face was beaming, he was so happy for me and managed to find the right word for my feeling I've had lately "invincible".

I said to him that although we didn't work out I was thankful that he led me to where I am now. He told me how he had been thinking about me a lot, I told him about the freaky asking him/ him asking me for coffee. Then we agreed, actually it's not so freaky, this sort of thing seems to happen to me all the time lately - I think I just need to embrace it!

After we got chucked out of the restaurant (was pretty late by this point) we walked towards our cars, we passed Blanks and I asked him if he was going to get in, he sort of stumbled and realised that he didn't need to walk me to mine.

He drew me in for a hug goodbye and we talked about meeting up again. It was a genuine, heartfelt feeling, from the both of us.

I walked away, with a smile in my eyes, I finally have closure. And there is only one person I can thank for that.

Dreams V Reality

Last night I read something that made me laugh and I wanted to text Blanks and tell him as I knew he would laugh too. I wanted to suggest coffee sometime soon. I thought and acted otherwise, but a part of me thought it wouldn't have been so bad if I had of done.

I woke up this morning after having dreamed of exactly what I wanted to text him, except, we had been in a bar and I'd told him about the funny thing and I was right, he did laugh, a lot. And I was smiling.

Thing is, a dream is called a 'dream' for a reason. It's not always going to work out the same way in reality.

Note Bene

Can I please just add (er, yes you can, this is your own blog you doughnut) that despite my aggravated/ narky blog below, I am still on my super duper high. Even when I was talking with Snakkis today, I could just feel myself glowing as I spoke.

Since last week I have felt so much relief inside me, I feel, almost untouchable - is that possible? I mean, I still feel the same way about situations around me, I am still the same person, I am still wearing excessive amounts of blusher. But I feel like I have this inner strengh/ glow that wasn't there before. I feel protected. I can't explain it in words. I wish I could. It's just... I FEEL different.

Life really has done a 180. Or is it a 360? I was never really good at maths.

Flippent Friends

OMG I'm so frickin annoyed! Gargh! After a really ace weekend which included the following:

- Dinner with Manc (even though it was with "expat wives" ergh!)
- Recovering from my major lau sai issues (although, now back to being constipated)
- Eating shit loads of food all day long on Saturday with Bombies, Mr and Miss J
- Evening service at Church
- Running 15K straight! Yes! I bloody well did it! Took me 1 hour 32 mins (No pang sai issues)
- Brunch with Snakkis at TGI Fridays - yum!
- Shopping and succesfully spending money I don't have (your average weekend it would seem)
- Managing to clean my entire apartment (Still didn't tackle my balcony though)
- Buying the well needed 'pole' from Evil Ikea (and buying two other uneccessary items)
- Evening coffee in Starbucks and doing a little work in preperation of my week ahead (training the new girl which I'm not paricularily looking forward to)

The one thing that didn't go to schedule was that Panda had msn'd me in the week suggesting she came over to mine today to laze by the pool in the arvo. I told her sure and to call me. To test the waters, I left the ball in her court and awaited her call. As I left the Pavilion at around 2.30 the rain was pouring down - no sunbathing for us. But I wondered to myself... would she still call?

Of course not. This is unreliable Panda we are talking about.

In a last attempt to see my "friend" who in the last month, I have seen 3 times, I text her the following: "hei missy, thought u wanted to hang out today? :P anyway, I'll be in Starbucks at The Curve shortly if u wanna grab coffee with me" the reply? "Heya :) it was raining lar. Having dinner. might pop by 2 say hi"

WTF????? How hard is it to text and say, hey! It's raining, shall we go for coffee instead? Sorry, but I've really had a feekin 'nough of this. I think I have come to learn, that Panda is not the sort of friend I can ever rely on. She seems to be what I call "single serving" - use once then throw away (she throwing away me, that is). I just find it unbelievable the amount of time and love I put into that friendship and then bam, she can become like this.

Friendship is just like any other relationship - like a marriage - you go through good times and bad times but if you want it to remain you have to contribute effort into it, if you want to remain friends.

Perhaps I shouldn't be so bitter, perhaps I should think about that saying "some friends are for a reason, some for a season and some for a life time" and get over it. Clearly she was a friend for a season... I know in my head my friends all over the world who are there for not just a reason, but a life time too.

Still pissed off though, but, I'm gonna use it as a learning curve. I just hate that I have to "use" this as a learning curve though. I know I fall into friendships too easily, but that's just me and I am going to get repeatedly hurt throughout my life because, it seems I have had several "learning curves" in my life and I'm only 25!! Perhaps I'll actually "learn" from this one!

On another matter, I just got an email from my ex-boyfriend from the UK. So he is in Singapore and I suggested we meet up when I'm over there for the Marathon next month. So he replies and is up for it. Oh, and casually throws in that he is getting married on the 13th. UM HELLO??? What is up with the universe? How is it that EVERYONE is getting married and I am STILL single?? I do say that in gest, but, I do wonder if I should get that kitten I've been on about... Spinsterism seems just around the corner. hehehe :)

Pang Sai Problems

I luuurve our UK Medical Advisor for WR. I emailed him yesterday about my "pang sai when running" problem as he is a marathon runner too. He said it's very common and some runners even carry tissue with them - lol!

Then he gave me the perfect solution - 1 hour before the run, take Imodium. Why on earth didn't I think of this before?? He said many pro runners do it before a long distant race and that it will give me a temporary fix until the run is over. Fab, that solves that problem then!

Look how sweet he was with all my questions and wonderingments...

Me...

My training went OK on Saturday but I had to stop and take a break after about 12 K as I got really bad stomach pain and had to go to the toilet. Sorry to be graphic! That seems to happen every now and then - is that normal? I hope it doesn't happen on the day (otherwise I'll have to do a Paula Radcliff!)

Also three questions:1) I sometimes get pins and needles in my foot after about 30-40 mins, only way to get rid of it is to stop. Why does this happen how can you avoid it?2) Why does my right hip constantly ache after a long training session?3) what is good to take for weak joints - ankle and knees hurt! cod liver oil?Will update you again next week! only 4 weeks to go argh!

His Reply:

Perfectly normal to have to ‘rush to the bushes’ – loads of runners take toilet paper with them ! Should settle as you get more long distance fitness, can try taking X1 immodium (loperamide before a long run)

1)Pins and needles means pressure on a nerve.. Any tight spots on your running shoes ? Back pain ? In general if it goes away don’t worry – have you tried running through it ?
2)Because it is unused to prolonged exercise – remember you are re-training your whole body here and it will take time. Run on grass when possible. Are your running shoes good – should be changed every 12 months (I never have though !!) If it persists you should get some professional advice.
3)Your joints aren’t weak !!! You are just giving them a battering...not surprising they ache. Cod liver oil, glucosamine fine but aches should go away as your endurance increases and your body gets used to the new demands you are placing on it !

Just keeping doing it – 12k is amazing achievement !


On the contrary I seem to have more and more problems with my day to day digestion since I quit smoking. Things aren't.. how to say ah...? So I took Senekot last night to get things "moving"- OMG never again, I was half an hour late to work this morning because I couldn't get off the darn toilet! Haha!

Oh the trials and tribulations of my day to day living!

Dirty Smirks

In an ideal world my alter ego would say this:

Don't try to intimidate me, you will not suceed
You may think you are getting to me, but in the end, I will come out on top

Don't think that you can come here and push me aside
I am the Queen on my throne and this is my territory

Don't think that people like you, they don't, they are playing the same game you are
You do not have the upper hand, despite the fact that you think you do

Don't think that I am powerless or naive - when it comes to business I am not
I know what you are up to and I have my eye on you all the time

Don't think that you are the one in control here, I can be just as manipulative as you
I may smile sweetly at you but it's as bitter as the look in your eye

You are getting under my skin but I will not let you beat me
I know where I stand and from my eyes you are so far below me I can't even see you


In reality I'd probably say this...

You big fat poo head. Go wash that wax out of your hair and shave off your beard. Pfht!

Tell Someone Special That You Love Them Today

What an evening/ morning.

Yesterday I got a call from my Boss in HK advising me that my colleague's Husband had passed away and that she would be on leave until further notice. As if that wasn't bad enough, I then received a call at around midnight from my management in the UK, not only is a death tragic, it is so much worse when you find that they took their own life, by hanging them self.

The news greatly shocked me and before I had a chance to tell my colleague in the HK office who I think of as a little sister, she phones me - she was on the way to work and read about it in the South China Morning Post. Dam tabloids, how can they report such information before even close family and friends may know of such a tragedy?

I tried to console my little sis but she was very shaken up, I then came to the office and broke the news to my team. Even though they didn't know our colleague's Husband (I myself have met him on several occasions) they were all deeply shocked. I neglected to tell them how he killed himself, seems just too much information. I told them to go and phone their loved one's and let them know how much they love them.

I hear that my colleague of the deceased seems to be in shock. Understandably. Her husband passed away at 15.00 (HK time) and she called the UK office late in the eve our time and was 'working' from home to distract herself, apparently she was very matter of fact about it all. I feel so terrible for her and her two children left behind who are under the age of ten. Top that off of course with the fact that she got made redundant last week with the HK office closing and all, what a mess.

Last night I prayed for her and her Husband and her Children, that's all we can do, isn't it?

It really does put into perspective how small our own problems are...

http://www.thestandard.com.hk/news_detail.asp?pp_cat=11&art_id=73953&sid=21331074&con_type=3&d_str=20081106

http://www.scmp.com/portal/site/SCMP/menuitem.2c913216495213d5df646910cba0a0a0/?vgnextoid=98bca8259fc6d110VgnVCM100000360a0a0aRCRD&vgnextfmt=teaser&ss=Hong+Kong&s=News

Should've Been In Love

- I love that I'm still feeling on top of the world, I love that I have this feeling of calm within me, I love that my perspective has gone from glass half empty, to glass half full, I love that my face feels smiley again, I love that my frown lines are fading, I love, love, love this feeling. I love that I feel like myself again... it's been such a long time... thank you.

- This song just started playing on my I Tunes, I don't think I've ever heard it before... the tune is so simple, one man and his guitar. You might read the lyrics and listen to the song and think hu? This song is depressing, but it's not at all, well, it depends how you look at it, doesn't it? It made me smile, it makes so much sense to me... :)

You been dealing with all of these feelings

Like they got you believing they have no meaning,

But they do

Your life's been stinking, your heart's been sinking,

And you're too busy thinking to stop

You blink and you're blue

Should've been in love

Should've been in love

Your mind's been racing, your heart's been chasing,

And you might as well face it, time's wasting,

It's true

Your life's been stinking, your heart's been shrinking,

And you're too busy thinking to stop

You blink and you're blue

Should've been in love

Should've been in love

I know how it goes, So I just had to let you know I know

My life's been stinking, my heart's been shrinking,

And I'm too busy thinking to stopI blink and you're gone

Should've been in love

We should've been in love

We should've been in love

~Wilco~

A "White" Christmas?

I think I'm going to have to create a label called 'Starbucks' seeing as I seem to blog about it all the time. I didn't have my morning coffee as I had a scheduled meeting, by the time it finished at gone 11, I didn't really fancy it as lunch was soon.



On my way back from the KLCC after taking a healthy lunch, one of the girls who works at my local called out to me and asked me to come over and I joked with her and the team over how silly it was that they have all their Christmas "specials" on sale already - special drinks, festive puddings and christmassy merchandise.



She laughed with me and said; "well we don't celebrate Christmas but we know you must do", she then followed to explain that they had decided they wanted to give me an early Christmas present and presented me with this mini ceramic ornament - it was a Starbucks Christmas mug that you can hang on your tree! Awh, how adorable, and they had signed a little card for me too! Too cute! I was really chuffed.



I've been in discussion with many of my friends here as to whether or not I get treated differently because I'm a "gweilo" - e.g the staff at Starbucks give me free coffee every now and then/ the taxi driver charges me triple the price (it works both ways) but I really feel like the young guys and gals who work there seem to genuinely enjoy talking to me each day, just for 10 mins, because of who I am, because I ask how their day is, what they have been up to and they can tease me over the muffins I never buy and the minuscule amount of Caramel I have in my latte as a "treat" - not because I am white. I hope this is not me being naive, I hope that my innocent perspective is correct. They shouldn't feel privileged that I talk to them, they are human beings, I speak no differently to them as to how I would speak to any "White" person. Or to be more specific, people that I like.



If I like you, if I feel you are genuine, then I will talk to you, if I feel you are just asking me questions out of pure nosiness or to make conversation to mask an awkward silence then I'd rather there be the awkward silence. At least then no one needs to bother. And everyone knows where they stand.


In fact I seldom see "colour" or "race" these days - just yesterday I was giving a friend advice in her new job and said something about "Asians" being a little quiet in the working environment, but once you settle in it will be OK. Granted, I was giving my perspective on "Asians" as a whole, but to my shock, I suddenly remembered my friend IS Asian! Haha. So, you get my point?



Anyway, I'm really tired. I need coffee. Merry Christmas!! Ho. Ho. Ho.

FACT: Eating Jaffa Cakes Will Not Help You Complete A Half Marathon. But They Do Taste Good.

(written last night, but too tired to upload)

Thought it was about time I blogged about my Marathon training too, as I sit here this evening, in my joggers, watching SATC (I’m now on season 4) and eating my way through a pack of Jaffa Cakes. Yum!


Last week the team at the gym kindly informed me that they had signed me up for 30K Great Eastern run in January, cheers guys! But I’m still trying to come to terms with my half marathon which is in T -5 weeks – SHIT.


I was very well behaved yesterday and got up at stupid O’clock and made my way down to the Lake Gardens. It was freekin hot and I was glad I put sun screen on. Same old faces from when I use to train were there nodding reassuringly, waving a hand etc. Was nice.


After 4 laps (about 10K) my tummy was cramping and I had to go pang sai in the public toilet which wasn’t enjoyable in my sweaty state but I went, none the less, and paid 20c for the privilege! Was glad I had paper in my car – haha.


I went out again and managed another lap and a half and eventually gave up , the stomach pain was really bad. I was disappointed but at least I’d given it a go. Next weekend I’m going to try 15K again. Fingers crossed I’ll pull it off!

- As I upload this, I wonder if it's necessary to blog about bowel movements.

“For whoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved” Romans 10:13

Today was awesome, awesome, AWESOME! I am actually skipping about, rather than walking. I feel like one chapter has finished and another one has started!

Well, today I got reconfirmed at the SIB Church and it was by no means pre planned. I just planned to go with Bombies and Mr J and just enjoy another service, take more in and try and understand more about this Christianity Business.

Towards the end of the service, the Pastor asked people to raise their hand if they would like to join or be accepted back into the Christian Faith. As I sat, there with my head bowed, I thought back to the first time I went to a service months ago when we went to watch a play by SK’s Church. The Pastor there had asked the same question and I’d stood there, hand in hand with Blanks holding onto him so, so tightly and him squeezing my hand right back, I wanted to say "me" but I was petrified, for some reason.

But today was totally different, as the congregation was asked to raise their hand, I felt this sudden hot flush all over my chest and face and before I knew it my hand was raised the air and the Pastor acknowledged me. It was this crazy moment, where I felt like the decision was made for me, there was no thinking through, no decision making, no logical reasoning, it was like my body said yes and not my head. I guess it was my heart actually. I was surprised myself!

So as the service drew to an end one of the Leaders asked me if I would like to be reconfirmed at the alter, I looked at Bombies for some sort of reassurance or confirmation that it was the right thing to do. I just looked at her and said “Do you mind waiting?” I knew she wouldn’t, of course she wouldn’t.

The Leader, Flora sat with me and blessed me with a prayer and suddenly I just burst into tears, I was totally overwhelmed. Then an extra pair of hands appeared on top of mine, they were Bombies, bless her.

After some chats with the Leaders about taking my Faith forward we headed out to lunch and I felt all smiley inside. I couldn’t believe I had taken such a giant leap forward, I felt fantastic.

I really wanted Laksa as it had been like, maybe a month since I’d had it.I wanted it so bad, I was even considering a large bowl. I suggested we go to Lucky Garden but Mr J and Bombies knew another place nearby. We went there but as it transpires the place wasn't serving it anymore, so we went to LG as a backup plan. As we were eating, Mr J spotted Blanks and Panda and asked them to join us. I took a deep breath. Funny how the other Laksa place wasn't serving Laksa hu…?

As they walked over and said hi, Blanks actually made eye contact, smiled and said hi. He actually seemed pleased to see me, but maybe that was my wishful(?) thinking. We all sat down and the awkwardness that had been there weeks back, in Starbucks, wasn’t there. Although we didn’t speak directly to one another, when one of us spoke the other gave attention and joined in. Deep, relaxed, big, fat sigh… it felt… almost...nearly... normal. Finally! Oh, I can’t tell you how relived I felt. I can’t say that it’s all going to be happy days and plain sailing from now on, I can’t say that I didn’t feel the need to put my hand in his, and I also can't say I didn't really want to share my news with him, but, as much as there is still a little bit of hurt in my heart, I feel I could tolerate, perhaps accept, his friendship and company once again.


Fortunately, I had an appointment to get to, which worked in my favour as had I had nowt to do, I probably would have been torn over what to do (stay/ go) and over analysed the whole situation – like I normally do. But apparently today is a day of no analysis, no logic and no questions.

I left, and drove home, singing… of course. I’m finally ready to move forward. Thank God, literally.