I'm really confused - but in a nice way!
I have known this guy "Pink" for nearly a year, actually he is the gent who organised my car and stuff for me when I switched from Avis to the current company I use.
When I first met him I did think to myself, oh he's kinda cute, but nothing more after that really.
Anyway he would drop me an email every now and then and then we exchanged MSN ads and recently he has been MSNing me nearly everyday just saying like hey, how's your day going etc. Even when I was in the UK he text me. But I didn't think much of it as I was pretty sure he mentioned he had a girlfriend some time back. I had said I was dating someone, although never told him we'd split up, why would I? He's just my car rental guy, it never came up.
He's always sending flirty messages but in a very naive sweet way, he just doesn't come across as the "cheating" or "manipulative" type at all. So I would always reply saying "look at you trying to sweet talk me etc" and blow it off. I'm quite shy under my mouthy exterior!
Anyway, on Tuesday he asked me if I wanted to grab food that night but as I was jet lagged, so I said no but suggested supper for last night. We just met at Devi's, chatted, ate and then went to Chawan for a drink after. He told me he was engaged to his girlfriend now, I suggested a photographer I knew for his wedding, we discussed Chinese traditions at weddings etc etc. So it was quite clear he wasn't into me - so I thought, OK just friends no big deal. Was nice, nothing more than that really. But it was good to have some different company.
We were chatting about me wanting to convert my spare room into a Carrie(esque) walk in wardrobe (I know!! VERY EXCITING!) and then he mentioned he had done it at his place and did I wanna come and see it. His Fiance is away (he had told me this earlier in the night, not just at that point!). Even though I felt it was quite a genuine suggestion (as in, no undertone) I thought about it but as it was already 11pm (and I'm always a bit precautious), I said no as I still hadn't unpacked my suitcase - bad I know, done it now though :)
Anyway, that was that. We both went home.
So just now my admin assistant (the one who didn't get fired - really need to blog that event it was MAJOR) said to me, oh, this was just hand delivered by your rental company. It was an envelope. I opened it up, thinking it must be a brochure or something and it was two CD's.. from Pink. The note said "I picked these 2 CD's for you from my collection. Hope you like them! Have a nice weekend ya! Pink".
I smiled to myself and turn back to my assistance and said, hand delivered where they, by who? she said, on behalf of, hang on let me look, gave me Pink's full name and said by their courier boy. I just smiled and said OK thanks.
I don't know what to think! I feel really flattered and think its a really nice gesture. You might be reading this thinking, Aha! This guy wants a bit of stuff on the side but he doesn't come across like that AT ALL. I'm completely and utterly confused, but as I said above, in a nice way.
From his behaviour of messaging me and all the favours he has done in the past months like upgrading my car, giving me discounts etc I think I can be big headed and say he may have a small crush on me which I have never really entertained, because he is in a relationship with someone and so was I. HHhmmmm.
Anyway, I'm smiling, I'm going to take it as a gesture of friendship... how nice, on a Friday :)
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
A Story To Live By
I hate forwards, but this one, although cheesey and not wirtten particularily well, did send a little shiver up my spine. It certainly made ME think....
There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She told her boyfriend, 'If I could only see the world, I would marry you.'
One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.
He asked her,
'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?'
The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her.
She hadn't expected that.
The thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him.
Her boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying:
'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.'
This is how the human brain often works when our status changes. Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations.
Life Is a Gift
Today before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who can't speak.
Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has nothing to eat.
Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone who's crying out to GOD for a companion.
Today before you complain about life - Think of someone who died too early on this earth.
Before you complain about your children - Think of someone who desires children but they're barren.
Before you argue about your dirty house someone didn't clean or sweep - Think of the people who are living in the streets.
Before whining about the distance you drive Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.
And when you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job.
But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another - Remember that not one of us is without sin.
And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on your face and think: you're alive and still around.
==========================
I PRAY THIS MOVES AROUND
THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE...
There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She told her boyfriend, 'If I could only see the world, I would marry you.'
One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.
He asked her,
'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?'
The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her.
She hadn't expected that.
The thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him.
Her boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying:
'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.'
This is how the human brain often works when our status changes. Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations.
Life Is a Gift
Today before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who can't speak.
Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has nothing to eat.
Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone who's crying out to GOD for a companion.
Today before you complain about life - Think of someone who died too early on this earth.
Before you complain about your children - Think of someone who desires children but they're barren.
Before you argue about your dirty house someone didn't clean or sweep - Think of the people who are living in the streets.
Before whining about the distance you drive Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.
And when you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job.
But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another - Remember that not one of us is without sin.
And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on your face and think: you're alive and still around.
==========================
I PRAY THIS MOVES AROUND
THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE...
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
You're Fired!
*Sigh* Today is killing me, I'm so tired and got a long way to go, just taking a break. Tempted to eat a biscuit.... hhhmmm will consider shortly.
The only light relief was an insane call from Mr J and CatMachine around mid afternoon. I thought CatMachine had gone back home, but she is still here, with an unbooked return ticket. I'm really happy about that, I really like spending time with CM, she's very easy to get along with and so that makes my weekend all the more looked forward to.
Still weekend is another 2 days away... in the meantime I have tomorrow to face....
I have to fire a member of my team :( Which, to be quite frank I don't want to do.
Last month the end of her probation came up and I advised her I was going to extend it by a month simply because she had not been doing a good job. She is only an admin assistant, but basic calls are dealt with badly, she can't take messages (I think she is dyslexic, having listened to call recordings - she repeats back the spelling of a name or a number and although she says it right, its is written down the wrong way) and generally, she's not the sharpest tool in the box.
I practically had to beg my boss to keep her on as he was ready to let her go, but I always like to give people just "one more chance" to prove themselves or give it a last shot at proving me wrong. Unfortunately she did not, even though we spent time listening to her calls and me giving her "constructive criticism" trying to spur her on and improve her customer service quality. The week before I went away she advised a client that they were on cover, when they had never been Insured by us. Subsequently the client went ahead with his hospitalisation and we had no choice but to cover his bill due to our gross misconduct. This has never happened in the 18 years our company have been open. I got a royal bollocking when I visited my MD in the UK. Well, not so much me directly, but the situation as a whole.
Needless to say, my MD wanted to fire her immediately, but given the laws and all I pushed to keep her until the end of probation and took her off the phones immediately. Anyway, tomorrow she returns from her Deepavali holiday and well, I have to tell her that her probation has been terminated and that this doesn't seem to be the right job for her - a nice way of saying - you're fired.
Ergh, I really feel terrible. It's her first job out of Uni and all. The thing is, I've done what I can, haven't I? I mean, I gave her a month of "extra time" to redeem herself, then, a written warning after the phone incident where she could have again, redeemed herself in other areas and well, I kinda wish she'd just handed in her notice.
I have already decided that I'm going to get it out of the way first thing tomorrow - no good delaying the inevitable. And I am going to give her the option of resigning - this way when she is employed by her next company it won't look as bad and I can give her a straight reference - saying that she chose to leave. At least that's something. I just feel bad for her. If we were a company of 100+ people then sure, maybe I'd move her to an area of something she might be better at, but we're not, we're an office of 11. And I simply can't afford to keep her on, she has made so many fuck ups. Sigh....
I'm going to pray tonight and ask for that someone helps her out of this muddle - obviously, she will be fired but perhaps something good can come of it - she can find a better job, argh, I hope so. Hopefully the experience she has had in this company has enriched her... somehow (I really struggled to write that line as I don't believe it has done).
I think I might just say the tiniest prayer for me... that helps me deliver the bad news, in the nicest way possible... if that is, possible.... at the end of the day, this is my job, I'm not here to be liked or popular I'm here to run the business and both my MD and CEO want her gone. I do too but if I had my way I'd move her elsewhere or do something, but, I have to keep reminding myself that we are not a charity, we are a business.
Wish me luck.
The only light relief was an insane call from Mr J and CatMachine around mid afternoon. I thought CatMachine had gone back home, but she is still here, with an unbooked return ticket. I'm really happy about that, I really like spending time with CM, she's very easy to get along with and so that makes my weekend all the more looked forward to.
Still weekend is another 2 days away... in the meantime I have tomorrow to face....
I have to fire a member of my team :( Which, to be quite frank I don't want to do.
Last month the end of her probation came up and I advised her I was going to extend it by a month simply because she had not been doing a good job. She is only an admin assistant, but basic calls are dealt with badly, she can't take messages (I think she is dyslexic, having listened to call recordings - she repeats back the spelling of a name or a number and although she says it right, its is written down the wrong way) and generally, she's not the sharpest tool in the box.
I practically had to beg my boss to keep her on as he was ready to let her go, but I always like to give people just "one more chance" to prove themselves or give it a last shot at proving me wrong. Unfortunately she did not, even though we spent time listening to her calls and me giving her "constructive criticism" trying to spur her on and improve her customer service quality. The week before I went away she advised a client that they were on cover, when they had never been Insured by us. Subsequently the client went ahead with his hospitalisation and we had no choice but to cover his bill due to our gross misconduct. This has never happened in the 18 years our company have been open. I got a royal bollocking when I visited my MD in the UK. Well, not so much me directly, but the situation as a whole.
Needless to say, my MD wanted to fire her immediately, but given the laws and all I pushed to keep her until the end of probation and took her off the phones immediately. Anyway, tomorrow she returns from her Deepavali holiday and well, I have to tell her that her probation has been terminated and that this doesn't seem to be the right job for her - a nice way of saying - you're fired.
Ergh, I really feel terrible. It's her first job out of Uni and all. The thing is, I've done what I can, haven't I? I mean, I gave her a month of "extra time" to redeem herself, then, a written warning after the phone incident where she could have again, redeemed herself in other areas and well, I kinda wish she'd just handed in her notice.
I have already decided that I'm going to get it out of the way first thing tomorrow - no good delaying the inevitable. And I am going to give her the option of resigning - this way when she is employed by her next company it won't look as bad and I can give her a straight reference - saying that she chose to leave. At least that's something. I just feel bad for her. If we were a company of 100+ people then sure, maybe I'd move her to an area of something she might be better at, but we're not, we're an office of 11. And I simply can't afford to keep her on, she has made so many fuck ups. Sigh....
I'm going to pray tonight and ask for that someone helps her out of this muddle - obviously, she will be fired but perhaps something good can come of it - she can find a better job, argh, I hope so. Hopefully the experience she has had in this company has enriched her... somehow (I really struggled to write that line as I don't believe it has done).
I think I might just say the tiniest prayer for me... that helps me deliver the bad news, in the nicest way possible... if that is, possible.... at the end of the day, this is my job, I'm not here to be liked or popular I'm here to run the business and both my MD and CEO want her gone. I do too but if I had my way I'd move her elsewhere or do something, but, I have to keep reminding myself that we are not a charity, we are a business.
Wish me luck.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Gimmie a Break - Please!!
Oh crikey. Just when things were looking up... My day couldn’t get any worse if it tried. Actually, it totally could do, but you know how I am. A very passionate writer.
Having just come back to reality after a week of doing bugger all, my boss calls me up, asks how I am and straight away I know there is something not right here…
They are closing the HK office.
How, might you ask, does this effect moi?
My Boss is moving to KL.
Which means what?
1) I am no longer the Manager of my own office - even though I’m always stressing that I have too much work and how I’m not an “office manager” I am the “claims manager” it seems my prayers have been answered – lesson learnt: be careful what you wish for ‘cause you just might get it.
2) I am going to be under the watchful eye of my boss 24 hours a frickin day (OK slight exaggeration – 8.5 hours a day).
3) I AM NO LONGER THE BOSS OF KL!!
4) Do I really want to take this step back? I have no choice… I either accept it or… leave.
5) I’m in a shitty shitty mood.
SHIT. OK, so maybe it’s not THAT big a deal to you but I’m literally going to have to report to someone everyday – I’ve been running this joint on my own for nearly 18 months HOW can they do this to me HOW??? I know, I know, having him here IS going to be a benefit.. it’s just.. having him HERE that I’m not a fan of…
Why are they doing this?
1) Credit Crunch – no justifiable reason to have the HK office anymore with only 3 members of staff.
2) Because the Lord answered my prayers – I prayed for some help and look where I’ve ended up. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Gargh!
3) Because THE WHOLE WORLD is against me.
Is this change a sign? A sign that I should get out?? That I should leave WR?? That I should leave KL?????
Mah.
I feel totally stressed.
This is not good. Not good at all.
Having just come back to reality after a week of doing bugger all, my boss calls me up, asks how I am and straight away I know there is something not right here…
They are closing the HK office.
How, might you ask, does this effect moi?
My Boss is moving to KL.
Which means what?
1) I am no longer the Manager of my own office - even though I’m always stressing that I have too much work and how I’m not an “office manager” I am the “claims manager” it seems my prayers have been answered – lesson learnt: be careful what you wish for ‘cause you just might get it.
2) I am going to be under the watchful eye of my boss 24 hours a frickin day (OK slight exaggeration – 8.5 hours a day).
3) I AM NO LONGER THE BOSS OF KL!!
4) Do I really want to take this step back? I have no choice… I either accept it or… leave.
5) I’m in a shitty shitty mood.
SHIT. OK, so maybe it’s not THAT big a deal to you but I’m literally going to have to report to someone everyday – I’ve been running this joint on my own for nearly 18 months HOW can they do this to me HOW??? I know, I know, having him here IS going to be a benefit.. it’s just.. having him HERE that I’m not a fan of…
Why are they doing this?
1) Credit Crunch – no justifiable reason to have the HK office anymore with only 3 members of staff.
2) Because the Lord answered my prayers – I prayed for some help and look where I’ve ended up. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Gargh!
3) Because THE WHOLE WORLD is against me.
Is this change a sign? A sign that I should get out?? That I should leave WR?? That I should leave KL?????
Mah.
I feel totally stressed.
This is not good. Not good at all.
Sleepy McSleeperson
I would just like to say... "Owch my head hurts!!" I have just read 217 emails in 3 hours - yikes!
I'm back in the office, after 4 hours of restless sleep and I have MAJOR jet lag... ergh I feel nauseous, tired, and congested.
Why won't my company fly me First Class and then just give me a days "recovery" leave? Hehe maybe I should request that if I renew my contract next year ;) Surely it would benefit them, no?
Craving Magi Mee... and I wanna see my friends... (I should really prioritise my friends over food, shouldn't I?) roll on 5.3opm... although I have a feeling I won't be clocking out on the dot today!
Anyway... that's all... back to work... la la la :)
I'm back in the office, after 4 hours of restless sleep and I have MAJOR jet lag... ergh I feel nauseous, tired, and congested.
Why won't my company fly me First Class and then just give me a days "recovery" leave? Hehe maybe I should request that if I renew my contract next year ;) Surely it would benefit them, no?
Craving Magi Mee... and I wanna see my friends... (I should really prioritise my friends over food, shouldn't I?) roll on 5.3opm... although I have a feeling I won't be clocking out on the dot today!
Anyway... that's all... back to work... la la la :)
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Bye-Bye Blighty
I'm flying back to KL tonight and am in my "final hours" which consists of me attempting to pack, lying on the sofa watching trashy TV, attempting to pack again, snacking on crappy food, attempting to get out of my PJ's into clothes, giving up on packing, pissing around with the wedding photos, trying to clear out stuff from my room, laughing over old photos and love letters found hidden away, hugging my Ma endlessly, trying to pack and then screaming with frustration over the lack of comprehension over why it won't all fit in and of course, awaiting the Sunday Roast Dinner which I can smell from the upstairs of the house :)
As much as this place drives me crazy, I am going to miss it. But I suppose it's only 8 weeks til I'm back again. I always feel like I come back and everything I felt right about my way of living is wrong, I go through this confused phase of "where do I belong?" and then just as I think... maybe I belong back in the UK... Wham! Bam! I am back, on the plane to KL.
I know the next week I'm going to be "home sick" all over again, but it shouldn't be as hard as normal, knowing I'll return soon.
I'd like to stop searching for home and for home to just find me. Or perhaps I should just stop trying to choose one and realise that they are both home and that I am ever so lucky to have two for the price of one. How about that? :)
Bye-Bye Blighty, see you soon.
As much as this place drives me crazy, I am going to miss it. But I suppose it's only 8 weeks til I'm back again. I always feel like I come back and everything I felt right about my way of living is wrong, I go through this confused phase of "where do I belong?" and then just as I think... maybe I belong back in the UK... Wham! Bam! I am back, on the plane to KL.
I know the next week I'm going to be "home sick" all over again, but it shouldn't be as hard as normal, knowing I'll return soon.
I'd like to stop searching for home and for home to just find me. Or perhaps I should just stop trying to choose one and realise that they are both home and that I am ever so lucky to have two for the price of one. How about that? :)
Bye-Bye Blighty, see you soon.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Home 'Sweet' Home?
I have been 'home' for just under a week now and this is the first time I have been 'home alone'. It's crazy to think that I spend SO much time alone in my KL Home and here, when there is no one about it seems strangely odd...
I call it 'home' in inverted commas, because for me home is (cheesily enough) where I rest my head, not necessarily where my heart is. Funnily enough though, when I'm here I refer to KL as 'home' and when I'm in KL I tend to say 'going back to the UK' and occasionally 'home' too.
Anyway enough blabbering.
It has been as strange as ever being home, sometimes I feel like absolutely nothing has changed and as though time has stood still. The only difference seems to be fashion and haircuts, and the fact that my 15 year old neighbour has started talking to me about whether or not she should try smoking because her friends have - LOL. My advice to her was this - sweetie, it is inevitable that you will try it at some point and do so, but you won't like it and unlike when I was 16/17, smoking in the UK just isn't 'cool' anymore. You can't smoke in bars, restaurants, clubs ANYWHERE and really you barely see anyone do so. With a TV ad every 5 seconds with ghastly images of cancer ridden lungs and ergh all that, no one is really interested in it. Funnily enough she listen to me very maturely and said, yeh, I think I will try it when I'm older but not now, you're right. hahaha.
I myself haven't touched a white stick in 7 days. I had a pack in my bag up until Wednesday and whilst standing at a train station bored out of my mind I went to smoke one and I thought, nah, I don't need one and threw the remaining pack in the bin. I don't know if it's being here in that, no one really smokes or whether in truth, I really don't need it at all but hopefully I can keep off them when I come back home. haha, force of habit - KL!! I still don't deny that a cigarette and a yummy drinki-drinki can't be avoided... mwahaha.
So yes, back to being back. Well, I've watched more football this week than I have all year - just hanging out with the boys down the pub. At first I really struggled just because their conversation seemed SO dull - why aren't we discussing an old ancient tribe from Lightwater or learning how to say 'ice tea' in a lightwaterian tribal language? hehe. But seriously, man, it seems like everyone is still harping on about the same shit they were when I was back in May. But all the same, once you let yourself go, it's easy to slip back into.
I guess what I found (and what I do every time I'm back) is that my friends and I are 'growing' at different rates - me much more so than them. I can't help but note a touch of envy with their little jokes - which are harmless fun, but rather than being on the outside I feel like iIam part of the joke - just stupid things like how easy it is to speak Chinese (then they start putting weird sounding words together) it's so immature but I just try and rise above it. The thing is, a part of me feels just as Malaysian as my friends and so when my friends here make a joke, I feel offended. But that's not a bad thing, at all really. Or another point was when I referred to work as 'my office' and once of the boys said 'Oh! YOUR office is it?' I didn't have the strength to try and explain to them how important my job is, I just laughed it off, I sometimes wonder if they have any idea how big my job actually is. But whatever, as I say, I couldn't be arsed to contess (right word?) it.
Other than that I have also come to realise that I'm SO not ready to move back here. This happens everytime I'm back. People ask me 'So, when are you moving home?' I just give them the bog standard answer of 'Well, my contract is due for renewal in December 2009 so I guess I'll start looking at my options later next year'. Seems the best bet, can't handle the look on my Mum's face everytime I feel myself saying (on the inside) 'Well, I'd like to live there forever, if that's possible'. Having to start from scratch again would be majorly traumatising. My parents still drive me crazy and i feel like i can't even have a shower without my mum knocking on the door saying 'everything ok in there?' or have a phone conversation without her popping her head through the door saying 'oh, I thought you were calling me' when quite obviously, I wasn't. Although as an outsider you would think, awh that's sweet she just misses you - it drives me frickin loopy. Even when I ask her just to respect my privacy and that i'll come out of my room and downstairs once i'm dressed and ready for the day, it doesn't seem to 'go in'. If I moved back home I would have to rent immediately. I can't even boil the kettle or load the dish washer without my step dad commenting that i've done it wrong - i guess they are so particular about their way of living, i just come in like a tornado and mess it all up :S
Of course, this isn't the reason I wouldn't move 'home' it's a lot deeper tha nthat, but again, a WHOLE other blog which I'm not in the right mindset to start even thinking, let alone writing about just yet.
I saw Butdunc in the week and we finally booked our super duper holiday to Thailand. We have splashed out (majorly) and are staying at a tip top resort. I have totally put my savings into ICU but at the same time, I've been working nearly 4 years now and i feel i deserve to spend some serious dollar on an extra special holiday - it's not like i haven't earned it. For me, having backpacked around Asia many moons ago I can quite happily stay in a 5 star hotel or sleep on a paper thin mattress in a hostel with 18 other people - it doesn't bother me one bit, but, on this occasion i'm treating myself to pure heaven. :) YAY. So only a few weeks now til Butdunc is over and she can meet my friends and makan-makan all day and all night and get fat with me :)
Speaking of fat - or not really, but we're following through on a trail of thought here, I have been out running a few mornings. Dear Lord, the air is so cold it burns my throat and makes me eyes stream with tears but enjoyable all the same. My skin has really cleared up and I feel much more refreshed than I did this time last week. And of course, having been back here I have really had time to clear my mind of all my issues with Blanks and I'm hoping when I come back things will move forward. I haven't even spent much time with Mr Big, only with the other boys, I guess I realised I was angry and all talk, right now, I don't want or particularly need anyone I just need to concentrate on getting me back on the straight and narrow - this has been helped by a small amount of retail therapy. Seriously, I have been EXTREMELY well reserved. I only bought a pair of jeans, a few T's. 2 bras (had to, have teeny plums now), 2 pairs of trainers (£10 each though so hardly a splurge) 1 dress and um, a few bits from Pri Mark which is like shopping at a flee market in KL. Dead impressed with myself :) ooooh and I got SHAVING GEL! Love it!
Other than that, I've really just monged out. Today I will see my Gran who is turning 88 :) and then my friend Sarah who has had two babies in the time I've been away, crazy! and of course, tomorrow is the BIG DAY (whoops, I also bought a handbag and shoes for that outfit.. but they were in the sale.. and an essential...) that is going to be fantastic, I can't wait!
I think the best thing about being home has been spending time with my Shrub. When we saw each other for the first time, as my mum drove me round the corner to our house she came running out, I jumped out of the car before it stopped moving and I jumped, wrapped my legs around her and we screamed and hugged and cried for so long right there in the middle of the street, like I imagined we would! It was like something out of a movie, God I love her so much :) We also spent the day in London together being 'tourists' it was ace.
OK so, that's about it, felt i needed to document the last week without too much in depth philosophical thoughts - i'm sure that will come later - haha.
All that's left to say is that Sunday I will fly back 'home' and I hope that heavy weight I've been carrying around will disperse into heavenly glitter.
I call it 'home' in inverted commas, because for me home is (cheesily enough) where I rest my head, not necessarily where my heart is. Funnily enough though, when I'm here I refer to KL as 'home' and when I'm in KL I tend to say 'going back to the UK' and occasionally 'home' too.
Anyway enough blabbering.
It has been as strange as ever being home, sometimes I feel like absolutely nothing has changed and as though time has stood still. The only difference seems to be fashion and haircuts, and the fact that my 15 year old neighbour has started talking to me about whether or not she should try smoking because her friends have - LOL. My advice to her was this - sweetie, it is inevitable that you will try it at some point and do so, but you won't like it and unlike when I was 16/17, smoking in the UK just isn't 'cool' anymore. You can't smoke in bars, restaurants, clubs ANYWHERE and really you barely see anyone do so. With a TV ad every 5 seconds with ghastly images of cancer ridden lungs and ergh all that, no one is really interested in it. Funnily enough she listen to me very maturely and said, yeh, I think I will try it when I'm older but not now, you're right. hahaha.
I myself haven't touched a white stick in 7 days. I had a pack in my bag up until Wednesday and whilst standing at a train station bored out of my mind I went to smoke one and I thought, nah, I don't need one and threw the remaining pack in the bin. I don't know if it's being here in that, no one really smokes or whether in truth, I really don't need it at all but hopefully I can keep off them when I come back home. haha, force of habit - KL!! I still don't deny that a cigarette and a yummy drinki-drinki can't be avoided... mwahaha.
So yes, back to being back. Well, I've watched more football this week than I have all year - just hanging out with the boys down the pub. At first I really struggled just because their conversation seemed SO dull - why aren't we discussing an old ancient tribe from Lightwater or learning how to say 'ice tea' in a lightwaterian tribal language? hehe. But seriously, man, it seems like everyone is still harping on about the same shit they were when I was back in May. But all the same, once you let yourself go, it's easy to slip back into.
I guess what I found (and what I do every time I'm back) is that my friends and I are 'growing' at different rates - me much more so than them. I can't help but note a touch of envy with their little jokes - which are harmless fun, but rather than being on the outside I feel like iIam part of the joke - just stupid things like how easy it is to speak Chinese (then they start putting weird sounding words together) it's so immature but I just try and rise above it. The thing is, a part of me feels just as Malaysian as my friends and so when my friends here make a joke, I feel offended. But that's not a bad thing, at all really. Or another point was when I referred to work as 'my office' and once of the boys said 'Oh! YOUR office is it?' I didn't have the strength to try and explain to them how important my job is, I just laughed it off, I sometimes wonder if they have any idea how big my job actually is. But whatever, as I say, I couldn't be arsed to contess (right word?) it.
Other than that I have also come to realise that I'm SO not ready to move back here. This happens everytime I'm back. People ask me 'So, when are you moving home?' I just give them the bog standard answer of 'Well, my contract is due for renewal in December 2009 so I guess I'll start looking at my options later next year'. Seems the best bet, can't handle the look on my Mum's face everytime I feel myself saying (on the inside) 'Well, I'd like to live there forever, if that's possible'. Having to start from scratch again would be majorly traumatising. My parents still drive me crazy and i feel like i can't even have a shower without my mum knocking on the door saying 'everything ok in there?' or have a phone conversation without her popping her head through the door saying 'oh, I thought you were calling me' when quite obviously, I wasn't. Although as an outsider you would think, awh that's sweet she just misses you - it drives me frickin loopy. Even when I ask her just to respect my privacy and that i'll come out of my room and downstairs once i'm dressed and ready for the day, it doesn't seem to 'go in'. If I moved back home I would have to rent immediately. I can't even boil the kettle or load the dish washer without my step dad commenting that i've done it wrong - i guess they are so particular about their way of living, i just come in like a tornado and mess it all up :S
Of course, this isn't the reason I wouldn't move 'home' it's a lot deeper tha nthat, but again, a WHOLE other blog which I'm not in the right mindset to start even thinking, let alone writing about just yet.
I saw Butdunc in the week and we finally booked our super duper holiday to Thailand. We have splashed out (majorly) and are staying at a tip top resort. I have totally put my savings into ICU but at the same time, I've been working nearly 4 years now and i feel i deserve to spend some serious dollar on an extra special holiday - it's not like i haven't earned it. For me, having backpacked around Asia many moons ago I can quite happily stay in a 5 star hotel or sleep on a paper thin mattress in a hostel with 18 other people - it doesn't bother me one bit, but, on this occasion i'm treating myself to pure heaven. :) YAY. So only a few weeks now til Butdunc is over and she can meet my friends and makan-makan all day and all night and get fat with me :)
Speaking of fat - or not really, but we're following through on a trail of thought here, I have been out running a few mornings. Dear Lord, the air is so cold it burns my throat and makes me eyes stream with tears but enjoyable all the same. My skin has really cleared up and I feel much more refreshed than I did this time last week. And of course, having been back here I have really had time to clear my mind of all my issues with Blanks and I'm hoping when I come back things will move forward. I haven't even spent much time with Mr Big, only with the other boys, I guess I realised I was angry and all talk, right now, I don't want or particularly need anyone I just need to concentrate on getting me back on the straight and narrow - this has been helped by a small amount of retail therapy. Seriously, I have been EXTREMELY well reserved. I only bought a pair of jeans, a few T's. 2 bras (had to, have teeny plums now), 2 pairs of trainers (£10 each though so hardly a splurge) 1 dress and um, a few bits from Pri Mark which is like shopping at a flee market in KL. Dead impressed with myself :) ooooh and I got SHAVING GEL! Love it!
Other than that, I've really just monged out. Today I will see my Gran who is turning 88 :) and then my friend Sarah who has had two babies in the time I've been away, crazy! and of course, tomorrow is the BIG DAY (whoops, I also bought a handbag and shoes for that outfit.. but they were in the sale.. and an essential...) that is going to be fantastic, I can't wait!
I think the best thing about being home has been spending time with my Shrub. When we saw each other for the first time, as my mum drove me round the corner to our house she came running out, I jumped out of the car before it stopped moving and I jumped, wrapped my legs around her and we screamed and hugged and cried for so long right there in the middle of the street, like I imagined we would! It was like something out of a movie, God I love her so much :) We also spent the day in London together being 'tourists' it was ace.
OK so, that's about it, felt i needed to document the last week without too much in depth philosophical thoughts - i'm sure that will come later - haha.
All that's left to say is that Sunday I will fly back 'home' and I hope that heavy weight I've been carrying around will disperse into heavenly glitter.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Kerry really isn't 'OK'.
Wow. I just saw something that really disturbed me. A few friends mentioned to me that they saw an interview on 'This Morning' with ex-Atomic Kitten star Kerry Katona.
Kerry Katona is well known in the UK for splashing her personal life all over 'OK' magazine and over the last couple of years every time I have read an article about her I have just thought man, that girls needs to get out of the headlines and get into rehab and sort her life out.
Yesterday morning she was interviewed on live TV at about 11.00am. The interview (click on link below) shows Kerry being interviewed by Fern and Phil and she sounds (and looks) absolutely off her face. She claims that it was due to the high dosage (150mg) of sleeping tablets that she takes before bed, but surely, if you knew that your speech/ behaviour was effected that much you wouldn't go on an interview? Personally, having been there myself I know this isn't the case - or at least, don't believe it to be so, of course, I'm not a Doctor so I could be wrong. She is, quite clearly either drunk or 'on' something.
I think Fern and Phil (possibly my favourite day time TV hosts in the UK) handled the interview very well, kindly and professionally and were clearly being directed with questions through an ear piece. As I watched the clip, I couldn't help but feel so, so sorry for her. It's one thing to suffer from depression, it's quite another to go through the ordeal she clearly did on that day. According to new reports (of course it made it onto the showbiz news here) the show states that she showed up late and no one realised she was in the 'state' that she was, until the interview started. If her Husband really cared about her (he was present at interview as she calls over to him) there is no way on earth he would have let her go on national TV.
As much as I dislike Kerry Katona, having seen/ read things about her over the last few years (which, granted may be self generated tabloid junk) I really hope that some one can sit her down and help her. Poor girl. She really is the British Britney Spears.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=RxKMPTR0MVA&feature=related
Kerry Katona is well known in the UK for splashing her personal life all over 'OK' magazine and over the last couple of years every time I have read an article about her I have just thought man, that girls needs to get out of the headlines and get into rehab and sort her life out.
Yesterday morning she was interviewed on live TV at about 11.00am. The interview (click on link below) shows Kerry being interviewed by Fern and Phil and she sounds (and looks) absolutely off her face. She claims that it was due to the high dosage (150mg) of sleeping tablets that she takes before bed, but surely, if you knew that your speech/ behaviour was effected that much you wouldn't go on an interview? Personally, having been there myself I know this isn't the case - or at least, don't believe it to be so, of course, I'm not a Doctor so I could be wrong. She is, quite clearly either drunk or 'on' something.
I think Fern and Phil (possibly my favourite day time TV hosts in the UK) handled the interview very well, kindly and professionally and were clearly being directed with questions through an ear piece. As I watched the clip, I couldn't help but feel so, so sorry for her. It's one thing to suffer from depression, it's quite another to go through the ordeal she clearly did on that day. According to new reports (of course it made it onto the showbiz news here) the show states that she showed up late and no one realised she was in the 'state' that she was, until the interview started. If her Husband really cared about her (he was present at interview as she calls over to him) there is no way on earth he would have let her go on national TV.
As much as I dislike Kerry Katona, having seen/ read things about her over the last few years (which, granted may be self generated tabloid junk) I really hope that some one can sit her down and help her. Poor girl. She really is the British Britney Spears.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=RxKMPTR0MVA&feature=related
Friday, October 17, 2008
The best type of ship is a 'Friend-Ship"... mwahaha.
Bah! My excitement bubble is being poked at - it's not burst, but it's on popping point!
I've been on a high all day with a spring in my step because I am just too dam excited that I am flying "home" tomorrow morning! Yipee! I can't wait!! Of course, I've half heartedly packed and I'm sure there will be a mad dash tomorrow but what the heck, I've been super busy!
All morning I've been smiling, smiling, smiling trying to get on with my work but thinking about all my friends and family I'm going to see. I hope this week ahead will be a pick me up and that my friends back in KL will stop saying "awh babe, you look tired" which interprets to "shit man, you look rough!". Last night DD told me I looked like i had "the weight of the world on my shoulders and in carrier bags under my eyes" lol. Yes! I look like shit I know! It's been a bloody awful two weeks OK! But I will come back, revived and ready to start afresh :)
In between all this I'm trying to organise the venue for Panda's birthday tonight. And I feel really unappreciated. She's been really like "whatever" about it and so 36 said to me, come on, lets get it all sorted for her. So 36 sorted out the gift and tried a few places for reservations for dinner, but nothing really worked out. Panda really likes Jazz and Japanese food so this morning I suddenly thought of No Black Tie and have been ringing all morning and leaving voicemails to make the reservation.
I quickly popped on line and Panda is like, cool, yeh OK. And really just like, well dam right unappreciative of the effort I'm going to. I know, I know, its just a few phone calls, but sometimes I feel like I give a little bit too much in this friendship. Even when I raised the fact that she had lacked support offering to me lately and that I felt I had been a good friend to her over the last few months her defensive reaction was "I didn't realise we were keeping points".
I was like, er no, but you know, it's like that saying "do one to others' as you wish to have done onto you" I'm not sure if this quote is entirely applicable (is it from the Bible? I think so) but what I'm trying to articulate (and not very well might I add) that if someone has been a good friend to you, in turn you should (not because its a rule but because you want) do the same to them. Don't you think?
Perhaps I've caught her at an off time, or perhaps she just doesn't feel like celebrating, I will always try to give the benefit of the doubt but when it comes to friendships i take them very seriously - if someone has been there for you and they need you, you should, without a doubt, be there for them. In turn, if they have done something lovely for you, such as given you a gift or bought you a meal or a coffee you don't have to run out straight away and buy them a gift back or take them out for dinner next week, but when the time comes you will see something/ eat something(!) you know will make them smile (it could be a week later it could be a year later) you will give back in return. That's what friendship is all about - sharing, isn't it?
hhhmmm. Maybe I put too much demand on my friends but I don't think so. I believe in quality, not quantity, as I've said before and my closes friends do all of the above without question. Why? because they want to. But then I, in turn, perhaps need to learn that just because you do nice things for someone doesn't mean you should expect it in return and shouldn't be disappointed if you don't get it.
Still, I like doing nice things for people, that's just me. So i will book the table, go straight from my office to the venue, stay as long as i can, have a mad dash to get ready to fly and just about make that flight tomorrow morning. Why? Because I like making people feel loved. I like my friends to feel special and loved on their "day".. as I would. And I want to do this for her, regardless of how unappreciative she is being right now, at then end of the night, hopefully she will feel happy upon reflection.
Oh, did I mention... I'M FLYING HOME TOMORROW YEEEEHHHAAAAAA!
I've been on a high all day with a spring in my step because I am just too dam excited that I am flying "home" tomorrow morning! Yipee! I can't wait!! Of course, I've half heartedly packed and I'm sure there will be a mad dash tomorrow but what the heck, I've been super busy!
All morning I've been smiling, smiling, smiling trying to get on with my work but thinking about all my friends and family I'm going to see. I hope this week ahead will be a pick me up and that my friends back in KL will stop saying "awh babe, you look tired" which interprets to "shit man, you look rough!". Last night DD told me I looked like i had "the weight of the world on my shoulders and in carrier bags under my eyes" lol. Yes! I look like shit I know! It's been a bloody awful two weeks OK! But I will come back, revived and ready to start afresh :)
In between all this I'm trying to organise the venue for Panda's birthday tonight. And I feel really unappreciated. She's been really like "whatever" about it and so 36 said to me, come on, lets get it all sorted for her. So 36 sorted out the gift and tried a few places for reservations for dinner, but nothing really worked out. Panda really likes Jazz and Japanese food so this morning I suddenly thought of No Black Tie and have been ringing all morning and leaving voicemails to make the reservation.
I quickly popped on line and Panda is like, cool, yeh OK. And really just like, well dam right unappreciative of the effort I'm going to. I know, I know, its just a few phone calls, but sometimes I feel like I give a little bit too much in this friendship. Even when I raised the fact that she had lacked support offering to me lately and that I felt I had been a good friend to her over the last few months her defensive reaction was "I didn't realise we were keeping points".
I was like, er no, but you know, it's like that saying "do one to others' as you wish to have done onto you" I'm not sure if this quote is entirely applicable (is it from the Bible? I think so) but what I'm trying to articulate (and not very well might I add) that if someone has been a good friend to you, in turn you should (not because its a rule but because you want) do the same to them. Don't you think?
Perhaps I've caught her at an off time, or perhaps she just doesn't feel like celebrating, I will always try to give the benefit of the doubt but when it comes to friendships i take them very seriously - if someone has been there for you and they need you, you should, without a doubt, be there for them. In turn, if they have done something lovely for you, such as given you a gift or bought you a meal or a coffee you don't have to run out straight away and buy them a gift back or take them out for dinner next week, but when the time comes you will see something/ eat something(!) you know will make them smile (it could be a week later it could be a year later) you will give back in return. That's what friendship is all about - sharing, isn't it?
hhhmmm. Maybe I put too much demand on my friends but I don't think so. I believe in quality, not quantity, as I've said before and my closes friends do all of the above without question. Why? because they want to. But then I, in turn, perhaps need to learn that just because you do nice things for someone doesn't mean you should expect it in return and shouldn't be disappointed if you don't get it.
Still, I like doing nice things for people, that's just me. So i will book the table, go straight from my office to the venue, stay as long as i can, have a mad dash to get ready to fly and just about make that flight tomorrow morning. Why? Because I like making people feel loved. I like my friends to feel special and loved on their "day".. as I would. And I want to do this for her, regardless of how unappreciative she is being right now, at then end of the night, hopefully she will feel happy upon reflection.
Oh, did I mention... I'M FLYING HOME TOMORROW YEEEEHHHAAAAAA!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Frienemy
Gosh, I’m exhausted, such a long and stressful day – I was up til 1am working last night too. One of my team made a MAJOR boo boo and my managers worldwide were going crazy – so I swooped in and saved the day – just. All slowly getting settled as the day closes.
The nice thing was CatMachine and Mr J were in town so we agreed to meet for lunch but as it turns out, A&J and Pat were there too. Was so cool, it’s the first time I have had lunch during work with friends in Malaysia! It was only at the food court downstairs but it was just such a nice break to my otherwise horrible day. Yay!
So, I totally want to leave the office, I’m tired and my brain has gone mushy but it’s raining and the traffic outside looks horrendous. I know if I go sit downstairs I’ll have either a subway cookie or a white stick – neither of which are good for me, therefore I am going to hibernate here for another half hour and then hope the traffic clears. I have to be at gym by 8 for my PT.
Which brings me to my blog, personal flippin trainers! I NEVER believed in them, until of course, I got one. I always thought, why pay for someone to just stand there and tell you, OK move your feet faster whilst you run etc. But OK now I understand it more, I don’t think I could go back to not having one (except of course if I moved back to the UK – I can barely afford mine here let alone there!). My first PT was in Jan this year, and I originally decided to have her as I was training for the Mount Kinabalu Climb in April. Then after that I kept training with her because I lost quite a lot of weight and gained major muscle tone.
Then I started participating in 10km runs and I really wanted to strength the muscles around my knees and all that so I stuck with her. Towards the end I really began to dislike her, I actually felt a bit like she bullied me but I think she had her own weight issues herself, funnily enough! One day I came in wearing these pants (that did me no favours) plus I was on and she turned and pointed at me whilst training some one else and was like “euwh, look at your fat belly”. I was mortified and actually cried when I got home! Purely because I had worked so dam hard, for my trainer to turn around and tell me I was fat was really upsetting!
After that I had this real like animosity (right word?) towards her and I wanted out, but I couldn’t work out a way to move onto another trainer without hurting her feelings (I’m such an idiot, I care way too much about how other people feel!). So, when I found out this trainer from the gym was doing the Adidas race with us we made a bet – If he beat me, I had to pay him for 10 PT sessions, if I beat him, he had to give me 10. It was win-win ;) wahahaha.
He beat me by 4 minutes. Bastard.
So we started training together and he is really dam good. Every session is different and every morning after I can feel the intensity of the work out, he also really encourages me with my running style/ speed/ length etc.
It’s so funny, because I shed a load more weight and it’s very nice that everyone who works there compliments me but my old PT can’t seem to let go. She’ll see me working out on my own (using techniques my current PT has taught me) and she’ll be like – you’re not doing enough weights or why aren’t you sweating and I just smile because both she and I know his techniques are working better for me. Hehe.) She always eyes me up and down and says you’re too skinny now and then goes on and on about how much she exercised this week and how her mum keeps saying she has put on weight – I’m like girl! You’re the trainer you should be encouraging others not seeking reassurance for yourself! I just nod and listen. Smuggly might I add – God I’m a bitch!
So I’ve just finished my 10+1 sessions with my new PT and as it’s his birthday I told him his present was that I would do another 10 sessions. He he it’s all fun and games, he knows I like training with him. The funny thing is, I feel like he and I have become “Frienemies” if you don’t know what one is I shall explain, its er, a friend, who is an enemy :) hehe. In that I love training with him but a part of me is like why oh why are you putting me through this?? Then if he tells me to run a certain distance I end up going further or faster to prove a point – to who? God knows. Speaking of God, sometimes I’ll mutter “oh God” or “Jeeeesus this is heavy” and he just turns to me and say, “Bubs, even God can’t help you now” hehe. We do have a laugh. We count our reps in Hokkien, Cantonese, Mandarin and BM and we always yell “yahoo!” when we finish a programme :) He’s fun :)
Anyway, managed to pass some time now so gonna venture out into the dark night of KL and hope to make it to the gym on time. I’m so hungry, I think I might die........ ooooooh some gum!
The nice thing was CatMachine and Mr J were in town so we agreed to meet for lunch but as it turns out, A&J and Pat were there too. Was so cool, it’s the first time I have had lunch during work with friends in Malaysia! It was only at the food court downstairs but it was just such a nice break to my otherwise horrible day. Yay!
So, I totally want to leave the office, I’m tired and my brain has gone mushy but it’s raining and the traffic outside looks horrendous. I know if I go sit downstairs I’ll have either a subway cookie or a white stick – neither of which are good for me, therefore I am going to hibernate here for another half hour and then hope the traffic clears. I have to be at gym by 8 for my PT.
Which brings me to my blog, personal flippin trainers! I NEVER believed in them, until of course, I got one. I always thought, why pay for someone to just stand there and tell you, OK move your feet faster whilst you run etc. But OK now I understand it more, I don’t think I could go back to not having one (except of course if I moved back to the UK – I can barely afford mine here let alone there!). My first PT was in Jan this year, and I originally decided to have her as I was training for the Mount Kinabalu Climb in April. Then after that I kept training with her because I lost quite a lot of weight and gained major muscle tone.
Then I started participating in 10km runs and I really wanted to strength the muscles around my knees and all that so I stuck with her. Towards the end I really began to dislike her, I actually felt a bit like she bullied me but I think she had her own weight issues herself, funnily enough! One day I came in wearing these pants (that did me no favours) plus I was on and she turned and pointed at me whilst training some one else and was like “euwh, look at your fat belly”. I was mortified and actually cried when I got home! Purely because I had worked so dam hard, for my trainer to turn around and tell me I was fat was really upsetting!
After that I had this real like animosity (right word?) towards her and I wanted out, but I couldn’t work out a way to move onto another trainer without hurting her feelings (I’m such an idiot, I care way too much about how other people feel!). So, when I found out this trainer from the gym was doing the Adidas race with us we made a bet – If he beat me, I had to pay him for 10 PT sessions, if I beat him, he had to give me 10. It was win-win ;) wahahaha.
He beat me by 4 minutes. Bastard.
So we started training together and he is really dam good. Every session is different and every morning after I can feel the intensity of the work out, he also really encourages me with my running style/ speed/ length etc.
It’s so funny, because I shed a load more weight and it’s very nice that everyone who works there compliments me but my old PT can’t seem to let go. She’ll see me working out on my own (using techniques my current PT has taught me) and she’ll be like – you’re not doing enough weights or why aren’t you sweating and I just smile because both she and I know his techniques are working better for me. Hehe.) She always eyes me up and down and says you’re too skinny now and then goes on and on about how much she exercised this week and how her mum keeps saying she has put on weight – I’m like girl! You’re the trainer you should be encouraging others not seeking reassurance for yourself! I just nod and listen. Smuggly might I add – God I’m a bitch!
So I’ve just finished my 10+1 sessions with my new PT and as it’s his birthday I told him his present was that I would do another 10 sessions. He he it’s all fun and games, he knows I like training with him. The funny thing is, I feel like he and I have become “Frienemies” if you don’t know what one is I shall explain, its er, a friend, who is an enemy :) hehe. In that I love training with him but a part of me is like why oh why are you putting me through this?? Then if he tells me to run a certain distance I end up going further or faster to prove a point – to who? God knows. Speaking of God, sometimes I’ll mutter “oh God” or “Jeeeesus this is heavy” and he just turns to me and say, “Bubs, even God can’t help you now” hehe. We do have a laugh. We count our reps in Hokkien, Cantonese, Mandarin and BM and we always yell “yahoo!” when we finish a programme :) He’s fun :)
Anyway, managed to pass some time now so gonna venture out into the dark night of KL and hope to make it to the gym on time. I’m so hungry, I think I might die........ ooooooh some gum!
Sing when you're wining
Do you ever find that that you have a habit you tend to do when you’re stressed/ not stressed, happy/ unhappy? Like for me, if I’m stressed I tend to not eat because my tummy is tied up in knots and it makes me feel nauseous, whereas when I’m sad, I tend to eat a lot (probably for comfort). Sometimes you don’t even realize you’re doing it, right? It’s just a natural instinct.
Well for me, there is one other. Singing. And when I’m happy the place I love singing the most is (no, not in the shower) in my car. With the volume up so that the base is distorted and my windscreen mirror vibrates to the beat. One thing I’ve noticed is that if I have something on my mind that is causing me concern, I tend to zone out in the car, I can’t handle the loud sound and so turn it down and just sit and wait for the journey to end.
This morning I sang in my car (like really sang, from the heart) for the first time in over a week. I sang loudly, so loudly, completely out of tune and with the window down. To the extent that two people in the next lane laughed at me!
Its funny how just one action that normally comes so naturally without thought can be switched off when you’re not in the right frame of mind and when it comes back to you, something inside is telling you that you’re doing ok. And that you’ll be fine. Just fine :)
Well for me, there is one other. Singing. And when I’m happy the place I love singing the most is (no, not in the shower) in my car. With the volume up so that the base is distorted and my windscreen mirror vibrates to the beat. One thing I’ve noticed is that if I have something on my mind that is causing me concern, I tend to zone out in the car, I can’t handle the loud sound and so turn it down and just sit and wait for the journey to end.
This morning I sang in my car (like really sang, from the heart) for the first time in over a week. I sang loudly, so loudly, completely out of tune and with the window down. To the extent that two people in the next lane laughed at me!
Its funny how just one action that normally comes so naturally without thought can be switched off when you’re not in the right frame of mind and when it comes back to you, something inside is telling you that you’re doing ok. And that you’ll be fine. Just fine :)
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
I'm Yours - Jason Mraz
I love these lyrics, H sent them to me last week and I think they are beautiful. In fact, I think I need to buy Jason Mraz' album, every song leaves you with a lingering memory or warm feeling inside.
Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to get you but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
And now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run outI'll be giving it my bestest
Nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some
I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours
Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love (love)
Listen to the music of the moment, maybe sing with me
All - ah peaceful melody
And It's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved
So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours
Scooch on closer dear
And I will nibble your ear
I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I'm be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue
I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours
Well no no, well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
Please don't, please don't, please don't
There's no need to complicate
Cause our time is short
This is out fate, I'm yours
Things are looking up...
I'm feeling a little bit better today - yay me :)
Went for supper with 36 and Panda last night, after a bit of a 'spute over MSN, Panda and I managed to clear the air, which is good, because the last thing I need right now are more issues. Transpires (as I had kinda guessed) that Blanks had spoken to her about him and I the week before (hence why she hadn't been in touch) she said she felt a little torn as was worried about seeing me and that I'd ask her about him and she'd have to lie. I've never seen her so upset, she actually was verging on tears, it was quite painful to watch. I guess we both mean an awful lot to her. I understand her predicament entirely and respect that she was jsut trying to do her best, for both friends.
I just told her look, it's over now, done and dusted and we all just have to work on moving forward (I felt a little like a family therapist). Have decided that when we celebrate Panda's birthday on Friday (if timing is right) I will just smooth things over with Blanks and hope to work towards a more comfortable atmosphere for all when I'm back from the UK. According to Panda "everyone" is pissed off with him for dumping me, which makes me feel a bit awkard, at the end of the day, Blanks had to do what was right for him and whilst it's lovely to know that people think so highly of me, they need to accept that this has happened - as I am trying.
I know we're all going to look back at this and laugh some day... you always do. It seems to be such a drama! Well you know me, I don't create drama, drama comes to me la :P Afterwards we chatted about stuff other than Blanks such as 36's Son's schooling and Panda's work and stuff, so nice to just talk about normal stuff again other than the obvious.
As for going back to the UK, only 96 hours until I board that plane and I'm getting excited now. It's going to be so lovely seeing my family and friends (especially my Shrub), stocking up my wardrobe with pretty dresses from Oasis and catching up on gossip and eating lots of fatty English food :)
For the rest of the week I'm going to concentrate on getting through the pain of tightening my braces this afternoon (blog to follow as I'm on month 3 now), getting all my work done (clearly I'm very proactive right now, blogging in my office at 10.12am when I should be getting my coffee from Starbucks), getting some last work outs in so I look tip-top for the wedding (oh must add a blog about that too), packing and sorting out something nice for Panda's birthday. Lots to keep me occupied.
I have some song lyrics I want to post, two songs actually. Will do that quickly now and then on with work... have a nice day, whoever you are reading this... :)
Went for supper with 36 and Panda last night, after a bit of a 'spute over MSN, Panda and I managed to clear the air, which is good, because the last thing I need right now are more issues. Transpires (as I had kinda guessed) that Blanks had spoken to her about him and I the week before (hence why she hadn't been in touch) she said she felt a little torn as was worried about seeing me and that I'd ask her about him and she'd have to lie. I've never seen her so upset, she actually was verging on tears, it was quite painful to watch. I guess we both mean an awful lot to her. I understand her predicament entirely and respect that she was jsut trying to do her best, for both friends.
I just told her look, it's over now, done and dusted and we all just have to work on moving forward (I felt a little like a family therapist). Have decided that when we celebrate Panda's birthday on Friday (if timing is right) I will just smooth things over with Blanks and hope to work towards a more comfortable atmosphere for all when I'm back from the UK. According to Panda "everyone" is pissed off with him for dumping me, which makes me feel a bit awkard, at the end of the day, Blanks had to do what was right for him and whilst it's lovely to know that people think so highly of me, they need to accept that this has happened - as I am trying.
I know we're all going to look back at this and laugh some day... you always do. It seems to be such a drama! Well you know me, I don't create drama, drama comes to me la :P Afterwards we chatted about stuff other than Blanks such as 36's Son's schooling and Panda's work and stuff, so nice to just talk about normal stuff again other than the obvious.
As for going back to the UK, only 96 hours until I board that plane and I'm getting excited now. It's going to be so lovely seeing my family and friends (especially my Shrub), stocking up my wardrobe with pretty dresses from Oasis and catching up on gossip and eating lots of fatty English food :)
For the rest of the week I'm going to concentrate on getting through the pain of tightening my braces this afternoon (blog to follow as I'm on month 3 now), getting all my work done (clearly I'm very proactive right now, blogging in my office at 10.12am when I should be getting my coffee from Starbucks), getting some last work outs in so I look tip-top for the wedding (oh must add a blog about that too), packing and sorting out something nice for Panda's birthday. Lots to keep me occupied.
I have some song lyrics I want to post, two songs actually. Will do that quickly now and then on with work... have a nice day, whoever you are reading this... :)
Monday, October 13, 2008
Evil Ikea
- again, written yesterday (I was bored)
I took a "quick" trip down to Ikea this afternoon. Oh wow. I popped down just for a few “bits”, but haha, to no avail! What is it about Ikea that you go in for one thing and you end up spending MYR300 on the following:
- Two lamp shades (totally gorgeous in my bedroom, couldn't resist)
- A cushion cover (which I didn’t need, but again, pretty)
- 4 bulbs (did need these)
- 3 baskets to put crap in (again, purpose of visit was to actually buy these, even though I could have just thrown out the crap thus avoiding buying the baskets all together)
- Set of three candles (wanted these too - note the word want not need)
- An extension plug thing (no idea why I bought this, just thought, hhmm usually need one of these. Aha, see I used the word 'need' here haha)
- Four more photo frames for my ‘art gallery’ hallway (acceptable, still working on that, although don’t have a drill to nail them up)
- Some thin curtains for the door way between my room and my living room as my door is glass (but forgot to buy a rail so will sit in the packaging - additional note, I managed to put them up last night by using my random heavy items as weights- don't ask)
But seriously, it’s Ikea – it’s straight off the line crap! It’s not unique or classy. But for some reason you go in there looking for just one small thing, like a spoon or a toilet brush and you come out with the above.
Wonders will never cease.
I took a "quick" trip down to Ikea this afternoon. Oh wow. I popped down just for a few “bits”, but haha, to no avail! What is it about Ikea that you go in for one thing and you end up spending MYR300 on the following:
- Two lamp shades (totally gorgeous in my bedroom, couldn't resist)
- A cushion cover (which I didn’t need, but again, pretty)
- 4 bulbs (did need these)
- 3 baskets to put crap in (again, purpose of visit was to actually buy these, even though I could have just thrown out the crap thus avoiding buying the baskets all together)
- Set of three candles (wanted these too - note the word want not need)
- An extension plug thing (no idea why I bought this, just thought, hhmm usually need one of these. Aha, see I used the word 'need' here haha)
- Four more photo frames for my ‘art gallery’ hallway (acceptable, still working on that, although don’t have a drill to nail them up)
- Some thin curtains for the door way between my room and my living room as my door is glass (but forgot to buy a rail so will sit in the packaging - additional note, I managed to put them up last night by using my random heavy items as weights- don't ask)
But seriously, it’s Ikea – it’s straight off the line crap! It’s not unique or classy. But for some reason you go in there looking for just one small thing, like a spoon or a toilet brush and you come out with the above.
Wonders will never cease.
Shout to the Lord!
- also written yesterday
Today I went to Church (SIBKL) for the first time in 4 years. I really enjoyed myself. Church in KL is definitely different to little Lightwater! It’s not like a Church in the literal, old fashioned sense, it’s more like a small theatre and it’s so alive!
As we arrive there were singers on stage with microphones and karaoke syle “subtitles” up on two big projectors. As they called out, asking anyone who was new to the Church to raise their hand I felt compelled to do so (in a nice, positive way, not like I felt forced to) and those immediately surrounding me turned and smiled and shook my hand and welcomed me to their community, it was a really nice warm feeling.
The songs they sang reminded me of when I went to Church in Fiji and Rarotonga, not the dreary old school hymns like back at home - but up lifting soulful songs that make you feel all warm inside.
The only similarity I found was the Pastor's lead, but even he seemed so much more enthusiastic and when he spoke he spoke with passion and more conviction (is that the right word?) than any thing I'd experienced in the UK. It added meaning to the words of the Bible, and it brought the context into our living world.
As we left the Church I smiled knowing that I’d enjoyed myself, I knew I would do. I want this in my life again :)
http://www.sibkl.org.my
Today I went to Church (SIBKL) for the first time in 4 years. I really enjoyed myself. Church in KL is definitely different to little Lightwater! It’s not like a Church in the literal, old fashioned sense, it’s more like a small theatre and it’s so alive!
As we arrive there were singers on stage with microphones and karaoke syle “subtitles” up on two big projectors. As they called out, asking anyone who was new to the Church to raise their hand I felt compelled to do so (in a nice, positive way, not like I felt forced to) and those immediately surrounding me turned and smiled and shook my hand and welcomed me to their community, it was a really nice warm feeling.
The songs they sang reminded me of when I went to Church in Fiji and Rarotonga, not the dreary old school hymns like back at home - but up lifting soulful songs that make you feel all warm inside.
The only similarity I found was the Pastor's lead, but even he seemed so much more enthusiastic and when he spoke he spoke with passion and more conviction (is that the right word?) than any thing I'd experienced in the UK. It added meaning to the words of the Bible, and it brought the context into our living world.
As we left the Church I smiled knowing that I’d enjoyed myself, I knew I would do. I want this in my life again :)
http://www.sibkl.org.my
What would Carrie Bradshaw do?
- I wrote this yesterday but my internet was down so couldn't post it.
It’s been another hard day, but I pushed through. Lying on my sofa this afternoon and watching SATC episode after SATC has helped! Bombies invited me over for dinner and Closet invited me over to his with some other people for Sunday cocktails but I felt like I was carrying a bad, dark energy and I really didn’t like it and didn’t want to inflict it on anyone else. I’m also kinda sick of talking about this break up. Is it supposed to be THIS hard? I gotta get out of this yucky hole. I’m really surprised how much this whole thing has affected me, I also read back my blog that I wrote last night and I’m really quite shocked at the content of it. I sound so angry, it’s horrible.
I wonder what I need to do? I think going back to the UK is going to help, it will certainly be a distraction. But I’ve still gotta come home, to reality after a week. I’m really amazed at how upset I am about the whole of this. I think part of it is that feeling of being ‘alone’ is different when you’re surrounded by friends and family that have been around since before you met the guy, here, I feel a little bit out of sorts not sure who to turn to or talk to because at the end of the day no one really knows me that well and I’ve only had these friends in my life for the last couple of months. They are also his friends too. That's not to say I don't have supportive friends here, I do and they know who they are it's just, the inbetween people I guess. Hu.
I guess on the up, I’ve got a lot to look forward to and need to concentrate on that, but I do feel like I’ve taken a step back now. Because this is what I was doing before I felt settled here (OK let me be direct, before Blanks was in my life) – setting myself goals and targets to get through the time. Now I just feel all unsettled again and that feeling sucks. I guess what’s hardest the most is, despite all of the things I wrote yesterday I still want to be with Blanks and because the apparent reason (other than him just not being that into me) was that Blanks said it wasn’t “us” or “Me” it was him. What a cliché.
Give the guy some credit, he did make me happy, very happy. Well that's obvious otherwise I wouldn't still be harping on about everything. I just started to type all these nice things and now I feel like a loser, so I’ve deleted them and replaced them with this line. It’s much easier to list the bad things than admit to all the beautiful moments you shared. Isn’t it?
By the way, I’m still watching SATC, two hours on. I love it. I love Carrie Bradshaw the most. She’s so cool. She just gave me some very profound advice:
Are we supposed to get over a guy in a slow painful way or is it better to just get back in the game? What are the break up rules?
1) Destroy all pictures where he looks sexy and you look happy
2) Lie. It’s much easier than admitting how you are really feeling
3) Until emotionally stabalised enter no stores
4) Never stop thinking about him for a moment because that’s the moment he will appear
5) No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to mend, you’ll never get through it without your friends.
SO true.
So yes, what am I gonna do? OK I’m going to make my own action plan:
1) Hair cut – done. I always do this after a break up, it’s like those weird people who need to shower straight after sex because they feel like it’s a sin. I breakup, I get hair cut
2) Look at the positive – yes there are lots, going back to UK, holiday to Krabi, biz trip to China, UK and States for Christmas and NY
3) Stop watching SATC. I am no way near as fabulous as Carrie Bradshaw
4) Keep watching SATC on the sly and aspire to be Carrie Bradshaw
5) Stop feeling sorry for myself
6) Give up smoking – I don’t know how this is going to help getting over Blanks but I think I should do it
7) Ok I give up. I have no action plan.
I’m all out. I’m just going to have to bloody well suck it up and get on with it! I am fabulous, I might not be Carrie Frickin Bradshaw but I’m damned as hell if I’m gonna let this be the end of me! Tomorrow is a new day and a new perspective.
It’s been another hard day, but I pushed through. Lying on my sofa this afternoon and watching SATC episode after SATC has helped! Bombies invited me over for dinner and Closet invited me over to his with some other people for Sunday cocktails but I felt like I was carrying a bad, dark energy and I really didn’t like it and didn’t want to inflict it on anyone else. I’m also kinda sick of talking about this break up. Is it supposed to be THIS hard? I gotta get out of this yucky hole. I’m really surprised how much this whole thing has affected me, I also read back my blog that I wrote last night and I’m really quite shocked at the content of it. I sound so angry, it’s horrible.
I wonder what I need to do? I think going back to the UK is going to help, it will certainly be a distraction. But I’ve still gotta come home, to reality after a week. I’m really amazed at how upset I am about the whole of this. I think part of it is that feeling of being ‘alone’ is different when you’re surrounded by friends and family that have been around since before you met the guy, here, I feel a little bit out of sorts not sure who to turn to or talk to because at the end of the day no one really knows me that well and I’ve only had these friends in my life for the last couple of months. They are also his friends too. That's not to say I don't have supportive friends here, I do and they know who they are it's just, the inbetween people I guess. Hu.
I guess on the up, I’ve got a lot to look forward to and need to concentrate on that, but I do feel like I’ve taken a step back now. Because this is what I was doing before I felt settled here (OK let me be direct, before Blanks was in my life) – setting myself goals and targets to get through the time. Now I just feel all unsettled again and that feeling sucks. I guess what’s hardest the most is, despite all of the things I wrote yesterday I still want to be with Blanks and because the apparent reason (other than him just not being that into me) was that Blanks said it wasn’t “us” or “Me” it was him. What a cliché.
Give the guy some credit, he did make me happy, very happy. Well that's obvious otherwise I wouldn't still be harping on about everything. I just started to type all these nice things and now I feel like a loser, so I’ve deleted them and replaced them with this line. It’s much easier to list the bad things than admit to all the beautiful moments you shared. Isn’t it?
By the way, I’m still watching SATC, two hours on. I love it. I love Carrie Bradshaw the most. She’s so cool. She just gave me some very profound advice:
Are we supposed to get over a guy in a slow painful way or is it better to just get back in the game? What are the break up rules?
1) Destroy all pictures where he looks sexy and you look happy
2) Lie. It’s much easier than admitting how you are really feeling
3) Until emotionally stabalised enter no stores
4) Never stop thinking about him for a moment because that’s the moment he will appear
5) No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to mend, you’ll never get through it without your friends.
SO true.
So yes, what am I gonna do? OK I’m going to make my own action plan:
1) Hair cut – done. I always do this after a break up, it’s like those weird people who need to shower straight after sex because they feel like it’s a sin. I breakup, I get hair cut
2) Look at the positive – yes there are lots, going back to UK, holiday to Krabi, biz trip to China, UK and States for Christmas and NY
3) Stop watching SATC. I am no way near as fabulous as Carrie Bradshaw
4) Keep watching SATC on the sly and aspire to be Carrie Bradshaw
5) Stop feeling sorry for myself
6) Give up smoking – I don’t know how this is going to help getting over Blanks but I think I should do it
7) Ok I give up. I have no action plan.
I’m all out. I’m just going to have to bloody well suck it up and get on with it! I am fabulous, I might not be Carrie Frickin Bradshaw but I’m damned as hell if I’m gonna let this be the end of me! Tomorrow is a new day and a new perspective.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
The 5 Stages of Grieving
Ok. Haha I found it :)
1) Denial - This has been me all this week
2) Anger - This was me this afternoon over the whole 'giving him his stuff back' situation
3) Bargaining - Ha, the website I'm looking at mentions bargaining with God "Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back" - I'm going to Church tomorrow, hilarious. So this stage will be reached tomorrow. Excellent progress :):):)
4) Depression - I foresee this happening on the plane back to the UK (next Saturday)
5) Acceptance - Hu. Now that one's a thinker.
Still laughing over stage 3 :)
1) Denial - This has been me all this week
2) Anger - This was me this afternoon over the whole 'giving him his stuff back' situation
3) Bargaining - Ha, the website I'm looking at mentions bargaining with God "Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back" - I'm going to Church tomorrow, hilarious. So this stage will be reached tomorrow. Excellent progress :):):)
4) Depression - I foresee this happening on the plane back to the UK (next Saturday)
5) Acceptance - Hu. Now that one's a thinker.
Still laughing over stage 3 :)
He's just not that into you
Ergh I hate being single.
Ergh. I hate break ups more.
Ergh. I feel like my blog is really negative lately.
But whatever.
So it’s the weekend, I went out with ABC last night and it was really good catching up over carb-fest carbonara, a couple of glasses of wine and a few cigs. She talked about her man (of 8 years, where is this going yadda yadda yadda) and I talked about Blanks (yadda yadda ergh).
This morning I went for a really good work out and awaited to hear from ANYBODY to confirm brunch. Catmachine had suggested we were going last night, but she overslept til like Cat hours. Bombies and Mr J were engaged elsewhere. So I called Panda (who by the way has not even called me since Blanks broke up with me) and she says oh hey, yeh I’m going to Lucky Garden er er (oh yes, there it was. And so… it begins) with Blanks. So I hastily ended the call. Then 36 invited me for brunch. So I decided to join her and her family. THEN 36 calls me back and is all like oh yeh, um, I’m meeting Blanks and Panda at Lucky Garden you wanna join? Do I wanna join? Do. I. Want. To. Join. ER NO.
So there I sit, feeling like a dick. It’s like when Ross and Rachel break up and suddenly everyone has to share their time out between the two. Except in Friends it’s funny. In reality its just plain McCrap. So in the end I decide to clear out my kitchen. Fuck eating, I don’t wanna get fat anyway :P
So then 36 is all, lets meet for coffee later. Whatever.
So then a few hours later I get a text, hey, you wanna meet separately or join us for coffee as Blanks is with us. Gargh! This is so poo. I’m kinda thinking, I’m so not ready to see him yet but in the few hours I’d been in my apartment, I’d decided to fill two bags up with all his crap. His precious Hennessy glasses, his book that he left in my bathroom and never actually read (partly because he neglected to come over and spend time with me in the last month), his coffee cup he brought over (when he practically moved his life in), his collection of DVD’s he always promised we would watch together and never did (including Down With Love, which he’d been trying to hunt down for ages and I got him as a surprise, which subsequently we never watched either), some clothes, misc items etc etc) Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. You're thinking I'm bitter, aren't you?
So I thought hang on a min, yes, I’m gonna go meet them, I’m not having this chump whip my friends away from me (ok I know he isn’t but of course when you’re going through break up that’s how you feel) so off I trotted and turned up. I was gonna have to face him one day or another. Might as well be now.
Awkard awkard awkward.
I made a real effort to be normal, I was ok, I asked him how his work was going etc etc of course, (as in the whole time in our relationship, and I am not lying) he neglected to ask how I was. Although, I suppose it would be inappropriate:
Blanks: “So how are you?”
Bubs: “Well I’ve just had my heart ripped out of my chest, shoved into a blender and smeared all over my bedroom wall. But other than that I’m GREAT. Thanks SO much for asking!”
Thank God he didn’t ask.
36 and family left, and Panda got up to get a drink, I was nearing the end of my coffee and Neighbour calls me to meet up, thank god. So I turn to Blanks and tell him I have his stuff in my car and can I give it to him. He tells me his car is parked like way over the other side of Bangsar, so I just say ok we can sort it out in a bit. I then make small talk, awkward, stupid small talk. Panda returns. So I finish my cig and get up to go, and say, so your stuff? And the dick says “My car is really full right now…” I just say ok lets sort it out another time. Dam. Why didn’t I come back with some edgy line? Bah.
So I left and I felt pissed off and angry that he got like the final word and I dunno, I moved onto the next phase – Anger (I need to look up the stages of bereavement, work out where I’m at hehe) and I thought, like hell am I gonna drive around for the next year with his crap in my car. I noticed Panda’s car was parked near mine so I call her and ask her to come out, she does and I ask if she wouldn’t mind taking Blanks’ stuff (it was either that or dump it on the street, which I thought might be a little bit immature) so she does and I feel better. I also knew it might hurt him, I’m hurting, I want him to hurt too – is that saddist or just part of the healing process?
And so then I went off to meet neighbor, had a strong drink, more cigs (man I have GOT to quit) and we had a real giggle. My mind was distracted for two hours, the feeling was great. You gotta love friends.
But then I got home, put on SATC and had H’s words running through my head “Bubs, you ARE Carrie, this is not the end for you”. Where is my Mr. Big eh?
I am craving someone to hold me, someone to kiss me and tell me that I’m beautiful all those things I want from Blank which he never did.
God. I think about our relationship and well, can you ever even count it as one? What planet was I on?? In 4 months I can actually count the number of times we “kissed” on both hands. The number of times we lay in bed and cuddled on one. The times he told me I was beautiful, never. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD am I a bloody idiot??? What the heck is up with me? Tell me again why my heart is breaking?
I just finished a book, it’s called “He’s just not that into you” I was reading when Blanks texted me to come meet him (so he could break up with me). This is what I learnt:
1) I was in dating limbo
2) A guy who can’t even extend to you the energy of a phone call. Why would you want to chase that down?
3) A man who likes you wants to spend time with you
4) If he can’t lay down one stupid brick, you ain’t never gonna to have a house, baby
5) Missing someone is a sign of a healthy relationship
6) Men are never too busy to get what they want
7) You’ll never see you hating yourself for calling when you know you shouldn’t have (with a guy who’s really into you)
8) It’s hard to know exactly when to cut loose and move on
9) When a guy’s behavior starts making you feel bad about yourself – when he starts making you suffer, that’s when you’ve gotta get out.
10) A constant state if uneasiness because he’s totally unreliable? That’s bad.
11) Dating him is supposed to make you feel better, not worse
12) If he’s not calling you he’s not that into you
13) You deserve a fucking phone call
14) Men who like you, they want to touch you, always
15) If a man really likes you, nothing will stop him from being with you – including his fear of intimacy
Oh and the list goes on and on and on. In conclusion, when Blanks dumped me. I stopped finding (or tried to) excuses, the truth was, he just wasn’t that into me.
My oh my, I’m so down. But the tears won’t come out. I hate my subconscious, sneakily hiding away my true feelings and telling my brain that I’m OK when I’m not.
But seriously I look at all the reasons above and its like, why? Wwwwhhhhhhyyyy do I feel like this?
I’m just gonna keep reminding myself that it’s only 6 days now til I fly to the UK and will be surrounded by my family and friends who love me. OK now I’m crying, albeit just two mascara filled tears but it’s better than nothing.
Also I have 97% fat free ice cream and a tub of ben and jerrys in my freezer. Please disregard my earlier comment of “I don’t wanna get fat anyway”.
I’m reaching for the Ben and Jerrys.
Ergh. I hate break ups more.
Ergh. I feel like my blog is really negative lately.
But whatever.
So it’s the weekend, I went out with ABC last night and it was really good catching up over carb-fest carbonara, a couple of glasses of wine and a few cigs. She talked about her man (of 8 years, where is this going yadda yadda yadda) and I talked about Blanks (yadda yadda ergh).
This morning I went for a really good work out and awaited to hear from ANYBODY to confirm brunch. Catmachine had suggested we were going last night, but she overslept til like Cat hours. Bombies and Mr J were engaged elsewhere. So I called Panda (who by the way has not even called me since Blanks broke up with me) and she says oh hey, yeh I’m going to Lucky Garden er er (oh yes, there it was. And so… it begins) with Blanks. So I hastily ended the call. Then 36 invited me for brunch. So I decided to join her and her family. THEN 36 calls me back and is all like oh yeh, um, I’m meeting Blanks and Panda at Lucky Garden you wanna join? Do I wanna join? Do. I. Want. To. Join. ER NO.
So there I sit, feeling like a dick. It’s like when Ross and Rachel break up and suddenly everyone has to share their time out between the two. Except in Friends it’s funny. In reality its just plain McCrap. So in the end I decide to clear out my kitchen. Fuck eating, I don’t wanna get fat anyway :P
So then 36 is all, lets meet for coffee later. Whatever.
So then a few hours later I get a text, hey, you wanna meet separately or join us for coffee as Blanks is with us. Gargh! This is so poo. I’m kinda thinking, I’m so not ready to see him yet but in the few hours I’d been in my apartment, I’d decided to fill two bags up with all his crap. His precious Hennessy glasses, his book that he left in my bathroom and never actually read (partly because he neglected to come over and spend time with me in the last month), his coffee cup he brought over (when he practically moved his life in), his collection of DVD’s he always promised we would watch together and never did (including Down With Love, which he’d been trying to hunt down for ages and I got him as a surprise, which subsequently we never watched either), some clothes, misc items etc etc) Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. You're thinking I'm bitter, aren't you?
So I thought hang on a min, yes, I’m gonna go meet them, I’m not having this chump whip my friends away from me (ok I know he isn’t but of course when you’re going through break up that’s how you feel) so off I trotted and turned up. I was gonna have to face him one day or another. Might as well be now.
Awkard awkard awkward.
I made a real effort to be normal, I was ok, I asked him how his work was going etc etc of course, (as in the whole time in our relationship, and I am not lying) he neglected to ask how I was. Although, I suppose it would be inappropriate:
Blanks: “So how are you?”
Bubs: “Well I’ve just had my heart ripped out of my chest, shoved into a blender and smeared all over my bedroom wall. But other than that I’m GREAT. Thanks SO much for asking!”
Thank God he didn’t ask.
36 and family left, and Panda got up to get a drink, I was nearing the end of my coffee and Neighbour calls me to meet up, thank god. So I turn to Blanks and tell him I have his stuff in my car and can I give it to him. He tells me his car is parked like way over the other side of Bangsar, so I just say ok we can sort it out in a bit. I then make small talk, awkward, stupid small talk. Panda returns. So I finish my cig and get up to go, and say, so your stuff? And the dick says “My car is really full right now…” I just say ok lets sort it out another time. Dam. Why didn’t I come back with some edgy line? Bah.
So I left and I felt pissed off and angry that he got like the final word and I dunno, I moved onto the next phase – Anger (I need to look up the stages of bereavement, work out where I’m at hehe) and I thought, like hell am I gonna drive around for the next year with his crap in my car. I noticed Panda’s car was parked near mine so I call her and ask her to come out, she does and I ask if she wouldn’t mind taking Blanks’ stuff (it was either that or dump it on the street, which I thought might be a little bit immature) so she does and I feel better. I also knew it might hurt him, I’m hurting, I want him to hurt too – is that saddist or just part of the healing process?
And so then I went off to meet neighbor, had a strong drink, more cigs (man I have GOT to quit) and we had a real giggle. My mind was distracted for two hours, the feeling was great. You gotta love friends.
But then I got home, put on SATC and had H’s words running through my head “Bubs, you ARE Carrie, this is not the end for you”. Where is my Mr. Big eh?
I am craving someone to hold me, someone to kiss me and tell me that I’m beautiful all those things I want from Blank which he never did.
God. I think about our relationship and well, can you ever even count it as one? What planet was I on?? In 4 months I can actually count the number of times we “kissed” on both hands. The number of times we lay in bed and cuddled on one. The times he told me I was beautiful, never. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD am I a bloody idiot??? What the heck is up with me? Tell me again why my heart is breaking?
I just finished a book, it’s called “He’s just not that into you” I was reading when Blanks texted me to come meet him (so he could break up with me). This is what I learnt:
1) I was in dating limbo
2) A guy who can’t even extend to you the energy of a phone call. Why would you want to chase that down?
3) A man who likes you wants to spend time with you
4) If he can’t lay down one stupid brick, you ain’t never gonna to have a house, baby
5) Missing someone is a sign of a healthy relationship
6) Men are never too busy to get what they want
7) You’ll never see you hating yourself for calling when you know you shouldn’t have (with a guy who’s really into you)
8) It’s hard to know exactly when to cut loose and move on
9) When a guy’s behavior starts making you feel bad about yourself – when he starts making you suffer, that’s when you’ve gotta get out.
10) A constant state if uneasiness because he’s totally unreliable? That’s bad.
11) Dating him is supposed to make you feel better, not worse
12) If he’s not calling you he’s not that into you
13) You deserve a fucking phone call
14) Men who like you, they want to touch you, always
15) If a man really likes you, nothing will stop him from being with you – including his fear of intimacy
Oh and the list goes on and on and on. In conclusion, when Blanks dumped me. I stopped finding (or tried to) excuses, the truth was, he just wasn’t that into me.
My oh my, I’m so down. But the tears won’t come out. I hate my subconscious, sneakily hiding away my true feelings and telling my brain that I’m OK when I’m not.
But seriously I look at all the reasons above and its like, why? Wwwwhhhhhhyyyy do I feel like this?
I’m just gonna keep reminding myself that it’s only 6 days now til I fly to the UK and will be surrounded by my family and friends who love me. OK now I’m crying, albeit just two mascara filled tears but it’s better than nothing.
Also I have 97% fat free ice cream and a tub of ben and jerrys in my freezer. Please disregard my earlier comment of “I don’t wanna get fat anyway”.
I’m reaching for the Ben and Jerrys.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Bubs is... hating Facebook status updates
Gargh! I'm such a chi bai! Just now whilst taking a coffee break I went on FB. I'm really anal about relationship status/ status' in general and how one minute people are "in a relationship" then they have a minor disagreement and it changes to "it's complicated" followed by a "Such and such is SO over whoever" etc. Then it changes to "Single" (with a picture of a broken heart)Then, within two hours it's back to "In a relationship" (with a full complete heart) and their status is "Such and such loves whoever sooooo much" Ergh!
This is exactly the reason why I told Blanks I'm never making you my "boyfriend" on FB. Because of course eventually, you get in my situation and someone has to remove the status and it comes up in the newsfeed in BIG BRIGHT BOLD LETTERS with a BROKEN HEART and then EVERYONE has a comment or two to make.... people, that is what a blog is for! Aiyo! Narks me off so much!
So anyway....
I just went on FB (for the record, I'm listed as married to H, just for fun, to avoid all this stupid shit) and I don't believe in using an FB Status to make a point to 1 individual out of 300+ friends.
However yesterday I did write "Bubs - Every cloud has a pink and glittery lining" because I was feeling yes, there is a cloud in my life right now but lots of good things from it can come. I don't think that's really very immature or making a point to Blanks specifically, in fact, I didn't think of him when I wrote it. I just felt very positive and upbeat.
Then today, I see his status (which by the way he has only ever updated twice in our relationship both times referred to me) and it says "Blanks is hating the obvious...".
Gargh! What does that mean? Is it implying that I am being obvious? That he is hating what is obvious right now - that we have split up? OR does the whole universe not revolve around me and it have no reference to me at all and I should get over myself? No, couldn't possibly be that (haha) HHhhhmmm.
God, that's really wound me up for some reason.
In conclusion, Facebook Status' suck, they always did and they always will. Too much room for misinterpretation. Bah!
This is exactly the reason why I told Blanks I'm never making you my "boyfriend" on FB. Because of course eventually, you get in my situation and someone has to remove the status and it comes up in the newsfeed in BIG BRIGHT BOLD LETTERS with a BROKEN HEART and then EVERYONE has a comment or two to make.... people, that is what a blog is for! Aiyo! Narks me off so much!
So anyway....
I just went on FB (for the record, I'm listed as married to H, just for fun, to avoid all this stupid shit) and I don't believe in using an FB Status to make a point to 1 individual out of 300+ friends.
However yesterday I did write "Bubs - Every cloud has a pink and glittery lining" because I was feeling yes, there is a cloud in my life right now but lots of good things from it can come. I don't think that's really very immature or making a point to Blanks specifically, in fact, I didn't think of him when I wrote it. I just felt very positive and upbeat.
Then today, I see his status (which by the way he has only ever updated twice in our relationship both times referred to me) and it says "Blanks is hating the obvious...".
Gargh! What does that mean? Is it implying that I am being obvious? That he is hating what is obvious right now - that we have split up? OR does the whole universe not revolve around me and it have no reference to me at all and I should get over myself? No, couldn't possibly be that (haha) HHhhhmmm.
God, that's really wound me up for some reason.
In conclusion, Facebook Status' suck, they always did and they always will. Too much room for misinterpretation. Bah!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
What a difference a day makes...
I am writing this on a scrap of paper in bed. This time yesterday I was a quivering mess, in this moment I am beaming with self pride. Why? Because today I realised I am so much stronger than I ever believed I could be.
Part of this realisation has come to light because I am so blessed to be surrounded by such special friends in all corners of the world.
My best friends; my Shrub (in San Fran), ButDunc (in UK) and H (in HK) were all there for me last night in their own unique ways. Shrub, for me to sob to hysterically with no self dignity, H for his, well you know H (read the blog somewhere below), ButDunc for her analytical analysis and someone else too... My Bombies.
It took a lot of courage yesterday to even pick up the phone and tell her what was going on. I don't know why, self pride maybe? Or admitting that what had happened really did happen and she would be the first of many friends over here to find out. I don't know. But at the drop of a hat she was there for me armed with tissues (clearly she remembered the last episode- haha). I love talking to Bombies, she is my one friend here in Malaysia of which no one else really compares to. As I told her my thoughts, reasoning's and logic she sat and smiled, she knew I was going to be OK and her smile reconfirmed my waffled nonsense into well, unwaffled sense!
I had prepared myself for becoming tearful, now that I'd had my horrific blubbering monstrofic possessed cry last night (yes it was that bad!) I expected I would no doubt, shed a few tears. But I didn't. That's not to say I'm a heartless bitch, hehe, only that they surfaced but didn't quite escape. The only time I felt the need to cry wasn't for self pity like last night, but more out of the love I feel for someone who simply cannot accept the gift I want to give to him with open arms.
I will sleep soundly tonight (i did!) although I know things are gonna be tough, I know I have a circle of friends that love me so dearly and a heart that although feels very heavy right now, is also very strong.
I hope Blanks will find solace (is that the right word?) in a good friend or two. I would never wish bad things on someone and despite my momentary "I hope he feels like shit!" well, if he doesn't then he's not the person I thought he was. A kind soul.
Part of this realisation has come to light because I am so blessed to be surrounded by such special friends in all corners of the world.
My best friends; my Shrub (in San Fran), ButDunc (in UK) and H (in HK) were all there for me last night in their own unique ways. Shrub, for me to sob to hysterically with no self dignity, H for his, well you know H (read the blog somewhere below), ButDunc for her analytical analysis and someone else too... My Bombies.
It took a lot of courage yesterday to even pick up the phone and tell her what was going on. I don't know why, self pride maybe? Or admitting that what had happened really did happen and she would be the first of many friends over here to find out. I don't know. But at the drop of a hat she was there for me armed with tissues (clearly she remembered the last episode- haha). I love talking to Bombies, she is my one friend here in Malaysia of which no one else really compares to. As I told her my thoughts, reasoning's and logic she sat and smiled, she knew I was going to be OK and her smile reconfirmed my waffled nonsense into well, unwaffled sense!
I had prepared myself for becoming tearful, now that I'd had my horrific blubbering monstrofic possessed cry last night (yes it was that bad!) I expected I would no doubt, shed a few tears. But I didn't. That's not to say I'm a heartless bitch, hehe, only that they surfaced but didn't quite escape. The only time I felt the need to cry wasn't for self pity like last night, but more out of the love I feel for someone who simply cannot accept the gift I want to give to him with open arms.
I will sleep soundly tonight (i did!) although I know things are gonna be tough, I know I have a circle of friends that love me so dearly and a heart that although feels very heavy right now, is also very strong.
I hope Blanks will find solace (is that the right word?) in a good friend or two. I would never wish bad things on someone and despite my momentary "I hope he feels like shit!" well, if he doesn't then he's not the person I thought he was. A kind soul.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
"Sorry"
Aiyo... I'd really like to apologise for the poem below. I just wrote it on a post stick note at my desk. I guess you can go figure what happened to me last night. I sound so depressed! Well, I guess I am today.
I looked so shit this morning, from crying last night and only managing to sleep for a couple of restless hours.
I went to Starbucks for my usual and Gee said to me, "here you go sweetie, it's on the house today". I smiled with tears in my eyes, I felt like she knew exactly what had happened, even though we only make small talk for 10 mins a day.
Things will get better, it was for the best. I feel more sorry for him than me, sorry for the fact that he turned away love because he was too much of a coward to embrace it.
God, take care of him. I'll be OK, just watch over him.
I looked so shit this morning, from crying last night and only managing to sleep for a couple of restless hours.
I went to Starbucks for my usual and Gee said to me, "here you go sweetie, it's on the house today". I smiled with tears in my eyes, I felt like she knew exactly what had happened, even though we only make small talk for 10 mins a day.
Things will get better, it was for the best. I feel more sorry for him than me, sorry for the fact that he turned away love because he was too much of a coward to embrace it.
God, take care of him. I'll be OK, just watch over him.
Blanks
Blanks is that sparkle in his eyes
Blanks is the tingling of his hand
Blanks is the butterflies in your tummy
Blanks is the flutter of your heart
Blanks is the thoughts running through your mind
Blanks is your subconscious working overtime
Blanks is being in relationship limbo
Blanks is knowing the ending is nigh
Blanks is a glass half empty
Blanks is crying tears
Blanks is feeling numb
Blanks is nothing
Monday, October 6, 2008
10 Things I Hate About You
- Taken from the movie, '10 Things I Hate About You'
I hate the way you talk to me,
and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car,
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick,
it even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right,
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around,
and the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
"H"
Last night I was feeling really down in the dumps, and whilst having dinner in the lil restaurant/ bar downstairs from me and feeling a little wobbly from 1 too many margaritas, I text H (my gay hubby).
He text straight back saying he was actually just emailing me so we ended up speaking on the phone. As soon as H rang, I felt this immediate release, H is one of these friends who i feel i can say absolutely anything to and am never judged, he's amazing. I spilled my heart, my thoughts, my soul dammit and as always, he somehow managed to say the right words or the right "awhs and ums" within 10 minutes I had a complete pick me up.
His attitude was "Bubs, if you feel shit, embrace it! Yell, I feel shit!!" and I was like YEH! haha.
But seriously, H probably knows me better than anyone, better than maybe my Shrub who i love more than anyone in the world, better than my Mother who raised me and I think its because with him, I dunno, i just never feel the need to justify my actions or bend the story i just tell him it like it is. And i really love that about him.
H and I exchange several emails a week and usually its just one of us mouthing off about how tragic and complex our lives are. Its like, we've found a place where we can just dump and off load feelings (much like a blog, except there is someone at the other end) and even if the other doesn't have time to reply immediately its kinda like we know that, that person has read the email and is just 'aware' of how you feel.
I feel like H and I will have a friendship that will run for years, forever no doubt. There are times where we are both so frank with each other we may even, inadvertently piss one another off but its only because we know each other so well that we almost give the advice that we are thinking but will not accept until the other says it.
Anyway H, I know you know I love you, but I do. So, so much.
He text straight back saying he was actually just emailing me so we ended up speaking on the phone. As soon as H rang, I felt this immediate release, H is one of these friends who i feel i can say absolutely anything to and am never judged, he's amazing. I spilled my heart, my thoughts, my soul dammit and as always, he somehow managed to say the right words or the right "awhs and ums" within 10 minutes I had a complete pick me up.
His attitude was "Bubs, if you feel shit, embrace it! Yell, I feel shit!!" and I was like YEH! haha.
But seriously, H probably knows me better than anyone, better than maybe my Shrub who i love more than anyone in the world, better than my Mother who raised me and I think its because with him, I dunno, i just never feel the need to justify my actions or bend the story i just tell him it like it is. And i really love that about him.
H and I exchange several emails a week and usually its just one of us mouthing off about how tragic and complex our lives are. Its like, we've found a place where we can just dump and off load feelings (much like a blog, except there is someone at the other end) and even if the other doesn't have time to reply immediately its kinda like we know that, that person has read the email and is just 'aware' of how you feel.
I feel like H and I will have a friendship that will run for years, forever no doubt. There are times where we are both so frank with each other we may even, inadvertently piss one another off but its only because we know each other so well that we almost give the advice that we are thinking but will not accept until the other says it.
Anyway H, I know you know I love you, but I do. So, so much.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Starbucks... Starsucks!!!
I should be working, but I can't. And do you know why? Because bloody Starbucks is shut! I mean, WTF???
It's Friday, we've just been off work for 2 days for Hari Raya and off I popped across the road to get my morning fix (and also for my whole team) and to my despair the darn shop was shut!
Do they have no morals? No conscience? No thoughts, for how Starbucks being shut can effect a person's day??
Seriously, I am not impressed and will be having words with their management over this very serious offence.
I'm outraged. The sheer audacity. Aiyo.
It's Friday, we've just been off work for 2 days for Hari Raya and off I popped across the road to get my morning fix (and also for my whole team) and to my despair the darn shop was shut!
Do they have no morals? No conscience? No thoughts, for how Starbucks being shut can effect a person's day??
Seriously, I am not impressed and will be having words with their management over this very serious offence.
I'm outraged. The sheer audacity. Aiyo.
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About Me
- Bubs
- Surrey, United Kingdom
- "I have found that if a problem rears its head, the best way to deal with it is by being highly emotional, inconsistent and super irrational and the problem tends to go away..."