Home 'Sweet' Home?

I have been 'home' for just under a week now and this is the first time I have been 'home alone'. It's crazy to think that I spend SO much time alone in my KL Home and here, when there is no one about it seems strangely odd...

I call it 'home' in inverted commas, because for me home is (cheesily enough) where I rest my head, not necessarily where my heart is. Funnily enough though, when I'm here I refer to KL as 'home' and when I'm in KL I tend to say 'going back to the UK' and occasionally 'home' too.

Anyway enough blabbering.

It has been as strange as ever being home, sometimes I feel like absolutely nothing has changed and as though time has stood still. The only difference seems to be fashion and haircuts, and the fact that my 15 year old neighbour has started talking to me about whether or not she should try smoking because her friends have - LOL. My advice to her was this - sweetie, it is inevitable that you will try it at some point and do so, but you won't like it and unlike when I was 16/17, smoking in the UK just isn't 'cool' anymore. You can't smoke in bars, restaurants, clubs ANYWHERE and really you barely see anyone do so. With a TV ad every 5 seconds with ghastly images of cancer ridden lungs and ergh all that, no one is really interested in it. Funnily enough she listen to me very maturely and said, yeh, I think I will try it when I'm older but not now, you're right. hahaha.

I myself haven't touched a white stick in 7 days. I had a pack in my bag up until Wednesday and whilst standing at a train station bored out of my mind I went to smoke one and I thought, nah, I don't need one and threw the remaining pack in the bin. I don't know if it's being here in that, no one really smokes or whether in truth, I really don't need it at all but hopefully I can keep off them when I come back home. haha, force of habit - KL!! I still don't deny that a cigarette and a yummy drinki-drinki can't be avoided... mwahaha.

So yes, back to being back. Well, I've watched more football this week than I have all year - just hanging out with the boys down the pub. At first I really struggled just because their conversation seemed SO dull - why aren't we discussing an old ancient tribe from Lightwater or learning how to say 'ice tea' in a lightwaterian tribal language? hehe. But seriously, man, it seems like everyone is still harping on about the same shit they were when I was back in May. But all the same, once you let yourself go, it's easy to slip back into.

I guess what I found (and what I do every time I'm back) is that my friends and I are 'growing' at different rates - me much more so than them. I can't help but note a touch of envy with their little jokes - which are harmless fun, but rather than being on the outside I feel like iIam part of the joke - just stupid things like how easy it is to speak Chinese (then they start putting weird sounding words together) it's so immature but I just try and rise above it. The thing is, a part of me feels just as Malaysian as my friends and so when my friends here make a joke, I feel offended. But that's not a bad thing, at all really. Or another point was when I referred to work as 'my office' and once of the boys said 'Oh! YOUR office is it?' I didn't have the strength to try and explain to them how important my job is, I just laughed it off, I sometimes wonder if they have any idea how big my job actually is. But whatever, as I say, I couldn't be arsed to contess (right word?) it.

Other than that I have also come to realise that I'm SO not ready to move back here. This happens everytime I'm back. People ask me 'So, when are you moving home?' I just give them the bog standard answer of 'Well, my contract is due for renewal in December 2009 so I guess I'll start looking at my options later next year'. Seems the best bet, can't handle the look on my Mum's face everytime I feel myself saying (on the inside) 'Well, I'd like to live there forever, if that's possible'. Having to start from scratch again would be majorly traumatising. My parents still drive me crazy and i feel like i can't even have a shower without my mum knocking on the door saying 'everything ok in there?' or have a phone conversation without her popping her head through the door saying 'oh, I thought you were calling me' when quite obviously, I wasn't. Although as an outsider you would think, awh that's sweet she just misses you - it drives me frickin loopy. Even when I ask her just to respect my privacy and that i'll come out of my room and downstairs once i'm dressed and ready for the day, it doesn't seem to 'go in'. If I moved back home I would have to rent immediately. I can't even boil the kettle or load the dish washer without my step dad commenting that i've done it wrong - i guess they are so particular about their way of living, i just come in like a tornado and mess it all up :S

Of course, this isn't the reason I wouldn't move 'home' it's a lot deeper tha nthat, but again, a WHOLE other blog which I'm not in the right mindset to start even thinking, let alone writing about just yet.

I saw Butdunc in the week and we finally booked our super duper holiday to Thailand. We have splashed out (majorly) and are staying at a tip top resort. I have totally put my savings into ICU but at the same time, I've been working nearly 4 years now and i feel i deserve to spend some serious dollar on an extra special holiday - it's not like i haven't earned it. For me, having backpacked around Asia many moons ago I can quite happily stay in a 5 star hotel or sleep on a paper thin mattress in a hostel with 18 other people - it doesn't bother me one bit, but, on this occasion i'm treating myself to pure heaven. :) YAY. So only a few weeks now til Butdunc is over and she can meet my friends and makan-makan all day and all night and get fat with me :)

Speaking of fat - or not really, but we're following through on a trail of thought here, I have been out running a few mornings. Dear Lord, the air is so cold it burns my throat and makes me eyes stream with tears but enjoyable all the same. My skin has really cleared up and I feel much more refreshed than I did this time last week. And of course, having been back here I have really had time to clear my mind of all my issues with Blanks and I'm hoping when I come back things will move forward. I haven't even spent much time with Mr Big, only with the other boys, I guess I realised I was angry and all talk, right now, I don't want or particularly need anyone I just need to concentrate on getting me back on the straight and narrow - this has been helped by a small amount of retail therapy. Seriously, I have been EXTREMELY well reserved. I only bought a pair of jeans, a few T's. 2 bras (had to, have teeny plums now), 2 pairs of trainers (£10 each though so hardly a splurge) 1 dress and um, a few bits from Pri Mark which is like shopping at a flee market in KL. Dead impressed with myself :) ooooh and I got SHAVING GEL! Love it!

Other than that, I've really just monged out. Today I will see my Gran who is turning 88 :) and then my friend Sarah who has had two babies in the time I've been away, crazy! and of course, tomorrow is the BIG DAY (whoops, I also bought a handbag and shoes for that outfit.. but they were in the sale.. and an essential...) that is going to be fantastic, I can't wait!

I think the best thing about being home has been spending time with my Shrub. When we saw each other for the first time, as my mum drove me round the corner to our house she came running out, I jumped out of the car before it stopped moving and I jumped, wrapped my legs around her and we screamed and hugged and cried for so long right there in the middle of the street, like I imagined we would! It was like something out of a movie, God I love her so much :) We also spent the day in London together being 'tourists' it was ace.

OK so, that's about it, felt i needed to document the last week without too much in depth philosophical thoughts - i'm sure that will come later - haha.

All that's left to say is that Sunday I will fly back 'home' and I hope that heavy weight I've been carrying around will disperse into heavenly glitter.