This is me, now.

Finally, I have had time to read through my Character Portrait and by making notes of the key things that stood out to me, (whether I agreed with them or not - most of which I did!) I hope that it can give me some ideas as to how to move forward with life, give me an insight and some motivation to do something great! I've been reading it through and literally spent hours making these notes and they are certainly striking a chord or two in my heart. Not everything is listed only what i see as relative now or potential relative. 

* for humor purposes everything in bold is what I laughed out loud over, simply because I couldn't get over how right it was or that it really meant something to me! the rest i simply nodded at and said to myself yup, thats right ;)

- stubborn when pushed

- you are drawn to complicated individuals 

- when you say something, people listen. If they don't you feel ignored and hurt

- you thrive on telling amusing stories when you have an audience

- very observant of human nature

- you're a wonderful story teller

- your personal creative talents and unique identity are vital assets that can make your fortune

- there is a mature and serious side to you

- you have the confidence and a fair measure of common sense to be able to cope in most situations and meet your obligations

- people generally admire you for being trustworthy and be support when it necessary

- more prudent than cautious

-  you have vitality and a strong competitive spirit

- if challenged you become very pushy and uncompromising

- your best method of defense is offense

- natural leader though your certainties can leave some people thinking you are arrogant and headstrong

- there is a great deal more to your personality than meets the eye

- you have great strength

- at a time of crisis you can actually feel more confident

-  few things can stop you reaching your goal if you're prepared to put your mind to it

- often you take decisions on a hunch

- at times your confidence and vitality can be low for no apparent reason

- you have a sense of self doubt and delusion as to who you are in a relation to other people

- sometimes you project a false image to other people and sometimes lack the realism to judge other people and their true nature

- in one sense its positive that you seek out the good in others but it also means that people can take advantage of this compassionate side of you

- you have talents on arts, drama and maybe clairvoyance

- from your earliest days the security of your home is an emotional issue

- much needed security came from your Mother with whom you enjoy or enjoyed quite a close relationship with

- you were and still are very sensitive to changes in the domestic atmosphere

- you may well be drawn to a home near water

- whatever the location... a home gives you a sense of belonging you badly need

- you like to look after people but also like to be cared for

- your ability to voice feelings through the written and spoken word can be excellent if you put your mind to it

- you have a wonderful way of recounting ordinary day-to-day events as an amusing never to be forgotten anecdote with choice words and imitation of expressions

- your letters flow with feeling

- you are natural at building up an easy communicative rapport with people it you want to get close to them. you can make a person feel at home and enjoy listening to you

- you have an uncommon commonsense using the memory of experience from the past to take day-to-day decisions

- the way you think tends to be very methodical

- if news is complex you try to "buy time" to process your decision

- have have patience to listen carefully and follow an idea through

- unsurprising you are most comfortable with basic concepts and natural processes

- once you have grasped a concept you retain it well

- though slow to make up your mind, once you have made a decision no amount of rhetoric or clever argument can sway you. in this sense you are consistent and a little stubborn

- after a while your brain switches off. frequent changes of plans and schedules are frustrating for you

- the way you communicate and the flow of your messages that comes from you is a key part of your personality. though you can express your thoughts well, the quality of what you articulate says more about you. shallow remarks or blurting out the first thing that comes to your head is only going to lower your self image

- you are the way you think so its your thoughts that make you special. the connection between your ideas and your sense of belonging is strong. when your thoughts are questioned you feel that the challenge is directed at you as an individual

- if you meet someone and they fail to ask about you or show much interest in your life you can be quite put out. you find your life, your encounters, your journes or the book you are reading most interesting - or at least, you can make them sound like they are! This comes from your ability to observe all that goes on around you.

- curiosity keeps you going

- if your environment is not full of change, then you are off changing your surroundings on  short trip or an errand.

- people find you trustworthy and can read you like a book

- combined with your business instincts this trust is your skills will prove to be an assett in business

- you have an interest of diet and health and incorporate this into your daily life

- provided a subject has relevence interest to your personal life, you can and probably do talk at length. but to be fair, you can also listen and respond well

- you can explain matters with care, forethought and understanding

- you can communicate with children on the same wave length as you

-  you're a romantic heart

- you're loyal, providing there is mutual respect and admiration

- admit it flattery will get your love everywhere!!

- besides dramatic love affiars you enjoy entertaining

- fancy dress as well as the arts and theatre has a paricular appeal

- your taste is clear for the big, bright and dramatic

- being a homemaker is one of your attractive features

- squalor or a hostile environment upsets you

- the pleasent atmosphere and condition of your home is essential for your happiness and peace of mind

- your home is a place of both pleasure ad if neccessary withdrawal to nurture yourself if the world feels too harsh

- you enjoy sharing your home with someone you love or you might invest in a property with a partner

- this artistic and affectionate side to your nature comes throught from your parents, probably your Mother

- as a child you have been the one who brought harmony into the family without taking sides

- you enjoy nostalgia

- others are drawn to you for the love and emotion and happiness you so readily provide

- you have a love for children

- in social situations you are good humored. this talent helps you to deal with people and will make you socially popular

- in a relationship you seek equally fun loving types

 - you have an excellent sense of rhythm. music and dance are a good outlet for you

- originality and improvisation in art forms is one of your best talents and you should use it

- you are very sexual and manage to keep it in good taste

- to assert yourself you use you mind and sharp wit

- when under fire you can be very articulate and if necessary cutting. so sharp the victim may not even feel the knife

- whilst you run mental rings around most people, you do enjoy sparring intellectually with someone who is on your level

- the buzz of nervous energy keeps you moving forward from one activity to the next. 

- you avoid repetitive tasks

- your way with words is an attractive quality you bring to a relationship

- being motivated to be financially self reliant and independent, you are prepared to put in the necessary work

- you are capable of running your own business

- you have strong values

- you can earn money rapidly but you spend it just as quickly - an impulsive buy happens in seconds but may not prove to have lasting value

 - if you see something you want you will work hard enough to get it

- you are generous. with any gift or favor you expect thanks rather than feedback

- because lending possessions can lead to damage and hassle you may have established a policy of never lending but sometimes giving instead

- when pushed too far you may kick over a flower pot... you may even hurt yourself as a way of venting your exasperations to avoid this a fast intensive workout session or a jog helps you a lot

- another important outlet for energy is sex

- hot blooded, you tend to rush in, head first as you just cannot wait and must do things now

- luckily you have the stamina to withstand such exertion

- you seek challenges

- much of your outlook is built up from first hand experience, traveling throughout the world, living out different lifestyles

- life and the world is for exploring

- you have a thirst to learn about life

- most of what you discover reaffirms your faith in human nature and enriches your generous and trusting spirit

- because you seek so much in people, it is possible that you have several significant companions during your life

- a great benefit to you is the growth of knowledge through a union with a partner from overseas or a partner who has had a very different life experience to you

- you encourage luck by being open, friendly and expecting the best in a person

- there is potential for a virtuous circle here - the more you give the more you expect in return

- as a seeker of truth, you trek all manner of "least trodden" paths from atheism to Christianity. there is a radical revolutionary side to you that work to your advantage

- you have an enthusiastic thirst for knowledge

- travel abroad tends to be unusual, unexpected, yet enlightening

- a born optimist, to you, every cloud has a silver lining

- you are quite lucky when it comes to home and family life. benefits came from your Mother

- one of your greatest fears is to be considered unjust, rude or to incur social disapproval

- talents you may wish to consider exploiting include your flair for negotiation, handling personnel and long term contracts

- you are too much of a perfectionist and either too demanding of your staff or unable to delegate jobs

- life to you cannot be lived lightly on the surface. periods of isolation and intense contemplation will help strengthen you

- much secrecy surrounds your innermost thoughts and plans

- you may have changed your whole field of business at some stage in your life... you are seeking a field that has more truth to you, more rewarding emotionally and one that gave you more meaning and purpose

- you should apply your talented imagination to solving painful problems or in an artistic way such as photography, writing or music

- you have a strong urge for the freedom of speech, to travel, to experience and explore life first hand

- people find you very friendly and your magnetism rather exciting. you get on well with all sorts of people in a relaxed open-minded way. however the restrictive and routine aspects of a conventional relationship aren't as easy to cope with.

- generally you're very much in tune with the most enlightened ideas of your age group.

- whenever you go abroad, it tends to be at short notice with several surprising changes of schedule and experiences; occasionally unsettling, but always uplifting

- the thought of the future gives you a tremendous and constant buzz; though the present never turns out to be quite as rewarding as envisaged. Perhaps you're too busy living through your next plans in your head, to take head of what's happening now!

- sometimes you feel quite drawn to an unusual lifestyle, to move away from the "nine to five" existence.

- you have a caring attitude towards your friends who can give you a sense of security

- your worldview is based more on fantasy than fact, but you have great spiritual faith

- travel to exotic places appeals to you. overseas you feel as if you have escaped into another world and yet you can feel out of your depth or may have certain phobias

- you may well travel for compassionate reasons. helping others in need around the world has much appeal.

- adopting realistic, common sense view of religion you take other people's spiritual views seriously.

- because you can be so compassionate and soothing, people are drawn to you for sympathy, an enticing, even divine quality about you can at times be source of worry

- your father has been in a world of his own or absent in one sense

- the indecision between being selfless and looking after number one is a dilemma that you often have to face. this is most evident when people let you down or turn out to be unreliable in some way, after appearing to be so perfect.

- you would resent being manipulated by authority figures as may have occurred or at least you felt happened in your dealings with your father. certainly your relationship with him reached at least one big if not several crises in your formative years

- your well-developed gut instincts make you highly resourceful. ferreting out secrets comes naturally to you.

- balancing the sacred with the profane will stop you from day-to-day dreaming your life away and chasing after impossible moonbeams!

I feel like someone has watched my life for the past 25 years and handed all of their research to me on a plate. I feel like this has captured a whole lot, yet there is so much more to be said and understood! The accuracy of this is uncanny. You might think, yes but surely she knew about all of this already? Maybe. But I'd say it's only help me confirm my doubts and realize my potential in life! Now, time to use it to my advantage and keep on moving up! 

I feel your pain

Today was interesting. Shrek was visiting from Perth and so after dinner and drinks last night with a few friends we decided to go Wake boarding today.

I picked him up from his hotel at 10am and we drove up to the Mines Resort, the sun was out, we had iced lattes in the car, the music blaring and the windows down and whizzed down the empty highway of KL.

I've only wake boarded once before, but I use to ski, today I spent my whole time boarding and managed to master a few tricks like going out on the wake, turns, board grabbing etc - well it was a good start. I only stacked it a few times and fuck me did it hurt. But having skied before I know that you just have to laugh it off and get straight back up again. I'll suffer the consequences tomorrow no doubt, at present I can't turn my neck to even check my blind spot when driving - whoops.

Shrek is an awesome boarder and can do jumps and twists, wish I could be that good! Shame none of my friends here are remotely sporty as its quite expensive to do it for an hour on your own (plus you'd be exhausted)! I forgot how much I loved this sport. Maybe even more than running... is that possible???

After boarding and a well deserved beer, we went back to his hotel pool and ate lunch, swam and sunbathed.

We had a heart to heart which continued on until later in the night after we had dinner with friends again and we sat in the car outside his hotel for quite a while. Basically Shrek is in exactly the same position as me, he feels like he doesn't belong and he is searching for that special someone to complete him, but he just can't seem to make it work. He's 38.

Shrek is an awesome guy, he's fun, he's sexy and a downright good person but I can't help but wonder why he can't hold down a girl. Perhaps he's a great friend but a shit boyfriend? Who knows.

And whilst I sat there talking about Mada and wondering aloud to him if I was letting love pass by me, tears welled up in his eyes. I felt so bad, here's me at 25 harping on about being so unlovable and unable to make a relationship work in the last 3 years, whilst he's sitting next to me telling me he's concerned by the time he does find the right women he may  have fertility problems. I chose to shut up and just listen after that.

I suddenly realised that there is someone out there who is feeling the same level of loneliness as me. I truly hope Shrek finds someone, he's there willing to give love but the pieces in his life just don't seem to fit. 

Shrek, if you can make a girls life anyway half as fun as the day I had with you, then you'd make just a fine boyfriend to anyone.

I called Mada on my way home, it dawned on me that after the chat I missed him and wanted to hear his voice. I heard his voice, on his voicemail. Then I hung up.

Things i like about you.

My Birth Chart arrived yesterday, Manc excited me into getting one done the other night when I stayed at her place. I've only skim read it so far and intend to read through it thoroughly now but it triggered a reminder in my head.

When it was my Birthday last year BD sent me an email and it was a list of all the things about me that she liked and it was possibly one of the most beautiful things any friend has ever done for me. The birth chart may tell me about me and I know, I'm going to be captivated by it but nothing beats the understanding that your best friend has of you.

So for a personal keepsake, here it is:

I like how you instantly brighten up a room when you walk into it

I like that you make me laugh

I like the way you write your emails in such a descriptive way

I like that you're so caring and thoughtful of other people's feelings

I like that you help me with make-up and don't make me feel like an incompetent retard :-)

I like that you are funny

I like that you say the things that everyone is thinking but would never, ever say

I like that you bring out my silly side and I can act like idiot and not actually care about it

I like that you take pride in your appearance but without being a barbie or looking like a WAG

I like that you rise to a challenge

I like that you are good with people

I like your cool and quirky apartment

I like that you're so adventurous (and am jealous of all the cool stuff you've done that I could never do)

I like that your clothes always look so well put-together

I like that you are a bit dramatic sometimes

I like that you are so welcoming to everyone you meet

I like that you will try new things

I like that you will tell people you need to poo

I like how you have faced and overcome the problems in life

I like your smile

I like that you are so close to your sister

I like that our step-dads are the same

I like that you feel comfortable enough to ring up and have a cry

I like that everyone who meets you loves you

I like that you're open and honest (but without being brutal)

I like that we can be good friends even without seeing each other as often as we might like

I like that you're brave even if you feel scared

I like your pretty feet

I like your patience with people

I like that you know when enough is enough

All in all.....

I like that we're friends :-)

 

She's a maniac

I just got home and I'm tired but I'm not ready to switch off yet so will blog about a few floaty thoughts that have occupied me today, including how the meeting went and how my day panned out.

The funniest thing happened earlier. I was on my way back to KL and the traffic was manic because everyone is fleeing the state for CNY. There was a lane of traffic going up over a bridge and it simply wasn't moving. After about ten minutes, I thought, "Fuck it" put the pedal to the floor and "created" a second lane! I've seen so many people do it and it irritates me like hell and today I was one of those irritating people!

The funny thing was, literally dozens of cars followed behind me, allowing me to beat the jam. LOL. Enough is enough, I really am becoming "Malaysian". Wahaha!

The time is now

It's my first meeting with BFM this morning, I'm a little bit excited and also a little bit nervous but not in my usual frantic way - I need to get more nervous - nerves push me through! It's like when I'm on stage, I only perform well when I get "the fear"! But it's OK, the butterflies are coming... as does the fear when I perform.

I've prepared a "teaser" with pictures as a thought provoker and am taking in magazine extracts and scribbles from my notepad. I'm dressed casually but professionally and pretty at the same time in a sweet top and beaded long skirt (a bit of a Malaysian look going on to embrace my inner Sarawakian side hehe) I'm just gonna give it all I can, but most importantly I'm going to be me. If I'm going to succeed in the things I want, I need to be me, the true me, and not what I think people need me to be. I've always prided myself on an image of "what you see is what you get" with life and I need to maintain this inner strength.

If I really want this truly, and it is God's will, then I will not fail.

Wish me luck! xoxo

I pray with a thankful heart

I hit an all time low yesterday. The family and friends that never fail me, were there for me. As always. But, I was inconsolable.

I cleansed my soul under a burning hot shower, red eyed, blotchy faced, tears still streaming, head pounding. I was so worked up I was sick. I felt like shit. I threw on an old skanky (but comforting) t shirt and crawled into my bed. Duvet wrapped around my whole body. I turned my head and stared at my bible, glowing hot pink under my bedside lamp. Can you help me? I stared at it for ages, flicked through pages, back and forth, didn't know how to use it at all.

I wearily reached out to my phone, text Bombies, help me, help me find the right words, the right passage to give me the inner strength that has turned sour and left me.

Romans 8: 18 - 39
Philippians 3: 12-21, 4: 1-9

I read through once, frowning as usual, eyes painful from crying, mind weary. Then I shut it and turned out the light. I lay there. Then switched on the light again, sat up and read again.

These words spoke to my heart, they were the words of encouragement I needed to pull me through. Perhaps they were the most uncomplicated, most straightforward but still, they are what touched me.

8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me — put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

As I type this, I blush. It has just dawned on me, that this is not the first time I have heard this verse. Someone once said it to me, a long time ago. I forgot. Locked it away. Curious that these words jumped out at me, was it in my subconscious? I didn't recognise them at all last night.

It was the first time I have turned to the bible in a time of desperation and the first verse that has ever given me strength.

I will always remember this verse.

I'm beginning to realise what it's all about.

Thank you.

I love Webcams

Told Mada I missed his bottom today. This was the outcome. Gotta love webcams hu? Ooooooh that bottom! Delicious!

Shut that door!

Wow. Malaysians, gee they really do like to drag out a job hu? I got a call from my landlord at 10.00 this morning asking if someone can come up in 5 mins to fix my door that I have been complaining to him about for a year plus, but I was literally just about to go for a run. Do people not pre plan their time here? He said they could come back at 11.30 so I came back just before. At 12.00 someone eventually arrived, speaking no English (which I can't complain about as I don't speak Malay, so I shouldn't expect him to be able to speak English) with both of us trying to communicate exactly what the problem was.

So, he's been doing God knows what to my front door for the last two hours, drilling, banging, sawing, shaving, you name it. All the while his buddy is sitting across the way in the outside corridor chatting away and laughing. I wouldn't mind so much but I ran 10K this morning and have been in my stinky gym clothes for 4 hours and I wanna get moving with my day. I mean, is it really THAT complex? 4 hours... and counting...

OK, so he just finished and called me over for a broom to clean up the mess, I offered to do it myself (by pointing at me and smiling) but he insisted (by placing his hands where his heart were and smiling saying "Me, I will"). I found that quite endering.

I do think this is supporting evidence as to why I need a man however.

Handstands & Cartwheels

When we were drinking Starbucks at The Fashion Mall in Vegas, this song played on repeat over and over again on a mahosive screen advertising Ipod Nanos. The song drove us crazy as you could here it half way down The Strip day in day out, yet I hear it now and it puts a massive smile on my face - it's just too cute and reminds me of good times :)

I tried to do handstands for you
I tried to do headstands for you
Everytime I fell on you, yeah, everytime I fell
I tried to do handstands for you
But everytime I fell for you
I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue for you.

I tried to do handstands for you
I tried to do handstands for you
Everytime I fell on you, yeah, everytime I fell
I tried to do handstands but everytime I fell for you
I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue for you-ooh-ooh-ooh

For you-ooh-ooh-ooh
So black and blue-ooh-ooh-ooh
For you-ooh-ooh-ooh.

I grabbed some frozen strawberries so I could ice your bruising knees
But frozen things they all unfreeze and now I taste like.... 
All those frozen strawberries I used to chill your bruising knees, 
Hot July ain't good to me
I'm pink and black and blue for you.

I got bruises on my knees for you
And grass stains on my knees for you
Got holes in my new jeans for you
Got pink and black and blue

Got bruises on my knees for you
And grass stains on my knees for you
Got holes in my new jeans for you
Got pink and black and blue for you-ooh-ooh-ooh

For you-ooh-ooh-ooh
So black and blue-ooh-ooh-ooh 
For you-ooh-ooh-ooh

Do-doo-do-do-do-do-doo
Do-doo-do-do-do-do-doo
Do-doo-do-do-do-do-doo
Do-doo-do-do-do-do-doo
Do-doo-do-do-do-do-doo
Do-doo-do-do-do-do-doo
Do-doo-do-do-do-do-doo

~ you know, these lyrics remind me of a situation close to my heart...

Even though the stars are blind...

Just got back from drinkies and yummy desert with Manc. She's my only British "expat" friend in KL and its always good catching up with her, maybe it's because she's British, I dunno, or maybe its cause she likes her life to be as equally as dramatic as mine! hehe, either way, we both agreed we need to find more time to hang out together. Next week we're gonna have a girlie night at hers, get in our PJs, pig out on crap and watch a chick flick - can't wait!

Manc is really into astrology and stuff and being that we have the same star sign (Gemini, in case you haven't guessed already) she keeps me updated with what the stars have in line for me, hehe. Actually it's quite funny as a lot of what she said fits my lifestyle over the last couple of years.

She said the planet Saturn has been in our stars over the last couple of years and that it has been a couple of years of real challenges. Apparently Pluto comes into play over the course of this year so things SHOULD be getting easier. Gosh, it sounds like waffled nonsense when I try and write what she told me but it's all pretty interesting stuff.

Apparently July is gonna be all go - thank gawd! I'm so ready for the GO GO GO part and less of this BLEURGH stage.

Come on July!

SO True.

I forgot how much these little characters make me laugh - some times when I read them I feel like the creator just read my "pure thoughts" and transformed it into a cartoon of myself. I'm totally stealing it... seeing as it was based on me in the first place :)

I'm not listening to you.

Can you please stop talking in my ear so loudly. Your personal business is no business of mine. No one is interested in what you have to say, least not me. Yes, yes, tell me again but understand that I am not listening. I am nodding, like one of those nodding dogs you see on the dashboard of a car. Nodding nodding. Nodding some more. I wish I could stop smiling (and nodding) and just say, "to be quite frank with you, I'm not interested in a word you say. Now, if you wouldn't mind, please fuck off. thank you". But, I don't think I should. So I'll keep on nodding nodding.

It's a Wonderful Life

As part of my thinking positively plan I've listed all the fantastic things I did in 2008 and all that I achieved and feel good about. I'm going to start planning out my final months/ year in KL so that I get the maximum out of this experience. As my Granddad infamously said: "Don't let the buggers get you down!"

Jan - Road trip to Las Vegas/ New Year in San Francisco with Shrub and Billy
Jan - Road trip to Melaka with F,K and A
Feb - Was struggling with life in KL so took a last minute trip to HK for the weekend
Feb - CNY, Singapore with A&F & K
March - Celine Dion Concert where I started a Mexican wave at it made it into the national paper!
March - Took a road trip to Cherating with the Ella Crew.
April - Climbed Mount Kinabalu!!!
May - Promoted to Claims Manager. Took Biz trip back to UK.
May - Girls Aloud Concert with BD
May - Opening of SQPR - the pivot point where I began to meet friends
June - My birthday went to HK and had a Junk Party with H which was awesome!
June - 36's pool party where I made friends and started to love KL.
June - Completed my first 10K run (Seimens, KL)
July - Melakka Road trip with Panda and friends
July - First Hennessy party, became friends with Bombies
August - Chelsea V Malaysia Match
August - Biz trip to Jakarta
August - Roof top pool party at my place for Panda's friend
August - Genting Weekend with Blanks, Bombies, Mr J and Chindian
September - 10K Run (Adidas, Sha Alam)
October - Started attending Church
October - Returned to the UK for my cousin's wedding
November - BD in KL
November - Holiday in Krabi, Thailandwith BD
November - offered work with BFM
December - Weekend in Singapore. Completed Half Marathon (Stanarad chartered) met up with H
December - Back to the UK for Christmas
December - onto San Fran/ Vegas for New Year

And my plans for 2009...

- Trip with H (so far we've discussed the possibility of either Jungle Trecking in Chang Mai or bicycling in Beijing!)
- Received call from BFM today, scheduling meeting for next week to start with station
- (Tentively) the FULL MARATHON 28th June KL
- The Rainforest Festival with my fabulous friends in Kuching (my 'other' hometown) in July
- Braces to come off November!!! Wahooooo
- To finally get that dam tattoo i've been harping on about for the last decade
- I wanna take a road trip to Penang at some point
- Plan ahead for 2010
- Move back to the UK
- To start looking into buying my own home (i can dream... right?)

See, look how upbeat and positive I am :D

- Oh and to get more sleep... night night...

Nearly half way... nearly!

I'm enjoying having my new I Mac, means I can spend more time writing at home when I can collaborate thoughts rather than gushing down randomly at work.

I had my braces adjusted today, I can't believe I've had them for 6 months now! Six! I'm practically half way through. Hurts though, back on the liquid diet now. I had a fruit smoothie for lunch and butternut soup for dinner (and now a can of diet coke! lol).

I had another new wire put on, again a bit thicker (marginally) to add more strength. The dentist actually pre-warned me that the next few days will be painful - thanks. We looked at my molds and I couldn't believe how much my teeth have moved - it's crazy! I'm looking forward to getting those old clays and the final clays at the end and showing people (not that anyone ACTUALLY cares!) how much they have changed. Honestly, the difference is insane.

We talked about the possibility of me leaving KL in the next 6 months which would be before the treatment is finished. Seems it's do-able. My dentist is going to look up clinics in the UK that use my type of braces. He said I can pay for all the brackets, retainer etc here so that the costs are cheaper, thus only having to pay for consultations in the UK. That's something I guess. He was really nice about it actually.

We're moving the treatment forward quicker (hehe cheeky me, thought he might do that) and so in 4 weeks time I'm moving on to the next horrific thing - elastic bands - aiyo! That involves having small bands wrapped around the back brackets. It helps move the teeth. I remember my friends having them as kids and how they snapped randomly in their mouths - great! Oh well, it's an experience hu - just think, 8 months time and I'll have a whole new mouth!

I must reiterate for any random who is reading this and considering braces as an adult. Do it! Once you overcome the initial horrificness (which will be worse if you are vain like me) it's OK you know. I mean it hurts every time they tighten them but in all honesty 80% of the time its pain free - bar the odd mouth ulcer and unattractive bit of spinach hanging out here and there.

I also had them scaled and polished. Crikey, I had no idea how "yellow" they'd gotten, they feel so smooth and clean now and look much brighter and fresher. This is really boring you isn't it?

Sleeping on my Friendships

I keep falling asleep at the wheel. It happened again this morning, I was going along very slowly as the traffic was busy. I was probably only going 30K but suddenly my eyes jerked open and my heart skipped a beat, I realised I'd just nodded off.

I sleep like a baby but I think I'm just mentally drained. That's the only explanation. I physically can't fit any more time in to sleep, in fact, I don't have time to sleep! Even if I come home straight from work its usually already 8 pm+. And if I work out first then its 9pm+. I need at least 2 hours to mellow out, eat, do some errands, shower and get ready for the next day.

I hope I don't sound like I'm complaining, I'm mearly blogging. Last night a friend text me saying that I should realise how "lucky" I am and that perhaps I've had my eyes shut for too long to the people around me and their circumstances and that I should basically appreciate what I have more. That really hurt. Because, despite all my woes, throughout my life, I have always prided myself on being a good friend to others. And if someone believes I'm not, then that hurts me bad.

But on the flip side, perhaps I have (OK I know I have) become too self involved of late. I'm so wrapped out in sorting out my own crap, perhaps I can't see the wood through the trees. I need to change my perspective, I need to get positive.

Just give me time OK, I'm trying. And if I have been a bad friend to you I'm sorry. I love all of my friends, and I want to be there for each and everyone one of them. Because everybody needs a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on and words to make you smile.

So please be patient with your friend, who I trust has never failed you before and is trying her best not to fail you now or in the future.

Nobody is safe out there... Nobody....

I purposely do not add my colleagues on facebook as I feel it is unnecessary for them to see their manager in the following:

- me CAMERA WHORING
- me CAMERA WHORING in a bikini
- me CAMERA WHORING when I'm drunk with tits and arse out
- me CAMERA WHORING ALL THE TIME

So imagine HOW happy I am when my colleague tells me that she is friends with one of my friends from Kuching, who is a professional photographer and who ALWAYS lets me camera whore EVERYTIME we go out???

Oh. Dear. Lord.

The things she will have seen... she was laughing and claimed that I am "cool" and that her and her Husband found the pictures hilarious and that she won't tell a soul.

Still I am mortified, completely. My reputation as a normal human being DESTROYED. I. Am. Traumatised.

So who do I tell? Bombies.

And what is my reply/ advice/ counseling:

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" x 1 MILLION

LOL. What will I do with myself? :):):)

The Ongoing Saga

Jeeeeeeeeesus I'm tired this morning, was up talking to Mada (I'm gonna stop using Big and actually use his 'pet' name I've used with him for the past few years) until about 01.00.

We talked about our situation... man, it's so complex. It's like we're both there, willing for it to work yet I live here and he lives there. It's not like I'm pining after him at all. In fact, for me, nothing has changed really, it's been on and off like this for so long it's nearly normal.

I did however tell him that my friend talked about setting me up with someone and I said no because I felt like I was with him, he commented that he met a girl last night but couldn't bring himself to hook up with her as he already had someone else in mind, except she lives on the other side of the world.

This is the first time, in all our years of dillydallying that we have both turned down the idea of dating someone else because of one another. It's very strange.

I wanna get back into my warm bed, switch on the air con, turn out the lights and snuggle up for another 2 hours. I wouldn't mind it if he were there too, keeping me warm.

Another Sunday...

Well, as expected I haven't been very proactive this afternoon. Having spent the last 4 hours updating my new I MAC with (I know, I can't believe it either) 9879 songs and THOUSANDS of photos - I'm shattered. Well I guess that is proactive, just not in the "making life decisions" way :P

As I did hope though, Church was ever inspiring. Something that stayed in my mind was learning to find the positive in the most dire of situations. Pastor Choo mentioned one particular phrase - instead of saying I am "stressed" we should think of it as being "stretched". I like that.

As I was speaking to my mum earlier on the phone I mentioned that I was still very stressed at work and immediately I vocally corrected myself and explained to her what I'd learnt today. She was surprisingly interested. And started saying how she would find out where the vicar who blessed her and my Papa at their wedding was at, as she thought if I moved back to the UK I'd find his services the most lively - I was quite taken aback. She actually LISTENS to me. How nice of her to think of that and take something that I had already begun thinking of, into consideration.

Bombies has invited me away with her family to Langkawi over CNY. As much as I'd love to go (as I'm ALWAYS in need of a holiday) I figure it would be a good opportunity to have some alone time, without distraction and spend time job hunting, updating my CV, relaxing at home, working out and generally get things moving. It's all fair and good that I am a "seize the moment" kinda girl but realistically I need to stop burying my head in the sand and get a wriggle on with things.

Mr J was funny today too. He does come out with some fairly odd comments at times but I can't help but look at him and think, how did you suss that out? He turned to me after Church and said, you weren't really with us today were you? Your head is somewhere between the UK and KL. Haha. Well he hit the nail on the head. I sat there in the service thinking about how much I'm gonna miss this place (look at me hey, I'm already talking like I've made a decision...) I was also thinking, whilst a couple gave their testimony, how much I would love to stand up there and give mine and give thanks for how much I feel the church has helped me in these few months.

Granted I may not understand everything, and I do find I sit there with a frown over my forehead mulling over certain terminology and statements made; I do feel like Church is something that gives me hope, energy, positivity and lifts me up when I'm down. Perhaps I don't get it entirely, but aren't these, the feelings you're supposed to get when you're in a relationship? And it is supposed to be a "relationship" with God so perhaps I'm half way to understanding. Perhaps.

Mr Big is online now and wants to talk (I should really give him a more original name, I'm hardly a creative writer if I'm stealing names from famous TV shows). The latest text message read "I miss you. I think I fell for you a little that last night before you went back to KL XXX". Aduhai..........

Decisions, Decisions.

Still at work 7pm on a Friday night, shit loads to do but taking a breather (one of many).

My MD called me earlier, this is what I jotted down in our conversation:

- There is no question over my performance at WR
- Its the UK who haven't got it right, not me.
- A lot of what I have done for the company has gone above and beyond their expectations
- They have full admiration for me
- I shouldn't feel trapped in the job

And last but not least, her best quote:

- don't feel like this is a life sentence.

Mah! That should be the quote of the year!

Well it's all good to hear and she wants to talk to me further in a few weeks time when she is in KL. All the compliments and good intentions to improve things aside; I've got to move on. I must concerntate this weekend and make a decision. I must.

We are Family... I've Got All My Sisters With Me!

In the UK an auntie is actually your auntie. I.E The SISTER or SISTER IN LAW of your Mother or Father.

In Malaysia, Auntie is used as a respectful term when addressing someone older than you.

Today my colleague's boyfriend rang and whilst speaking to Sue referred to her as Auntie. Sue was mortified (even though she is older than him and the address was, technically speaking, correct).

We all laughed so much and all day we've shouted "auntie" at her when we wanted her attention. The whole office has in been fits of giggles and what's worse, to wind her up more is that the rest of us are all referring to one another as "Sister" which is used in Malaysia as someone who is of the same age or younger than you!

That's something I like about working in Malaysia and my office in particular. In the UK all people do is sit in offices and bitch. I like how my colleagues work hard but when they have a giggle it's usually over something silly and innocent.

I wonder if it is like this in all offices or if I have just managed to employ particularly kind and sweet people? Whatever, I am proud of my team and proud that I judge interview candidates mainly on personality, because if you have a good strong and friendly personality, more often than not you'll get the job done and you'll create a nice working atmosphere for all around you, therefore making work a happier place to be.

(That totally contradicts every miserable entry I've ever written about my job, but you know what I mean)

A Sigh of Relief

I can breathe again.

I went for dinner and a drink(s) with my boss NB last night and whilst I held my tongue for quite sometime, I eventually blurted out that I was really, really unhappy.

In a nutshell we talked for a long time and I was quite honest and frank with NB, and explained to him how unworthy I felt at WR. He looked at me sympathetically and oddly enough, not once did he argue with any of my points raised and finally commented that he was sorry that the company had failed me.

He asked me whether, if they made some changes at my request, would I stay past my contract and I shook my head. I told him that there had been so many promises broken by the company that I couldn't rely on that any more. I have tried with all my might and I am completely and utterly defeated.

We talked some more to which all was listened and I felt i was really understood by NB, to be fair he has always been the manager who has stuck up for me. We talked about the different ways I could resign and how I could get the most out of my situation.

I.E rather than giving 3 months notice, I offer 6 but negotiate having half of my bonus etc. I said I wasn't even sure if I could last that long but NB said when the finish line is in sight, it's easier than you think. I imagine he is right there.

I told NB that I didn't want my MD knowing I was on the verge of handing my notice in and asked for a couple of weeks to mull it over and make a confirmed decision. He said he would keep 75% of our conversation confidential and inform my MD of my great upset and that I am "considering my options". I trust him, I have to. I know I am overly trusting but I think that is something of my nature that will never change. I am an open book. Even if I hadn't have said a word, my eyes give away my feelings every time.

NB continued to finish the bottle of wine whilst I stuck to my two glasses as I was driving and he got suitably pissed. We then went onto another bar where I had a cappachino and he had a couple of beers. The long of the short of it is that it is more than evident that NB sees reason in all that I say and doesn't blame me for the way I feel, I could almost say that he was encouraging me to leave.


So today I do feel more positive and a weight off my shoulders has most definitely been lifted, now I feel like I have more of a structured plan I'm going to use this weekend as time to clearly think which step to take next. As I drove to work today I couldn't help but think how sad it will be to leave Malaysia (if that happens) but there are more blue skies ahead and clouds, with undoubtedly silver linings.

The GPS System

I wonder if I have been fighting against the navigation system for so long that it's now really is, make or break.

I wonder if God's path is for me to return to the UK. All the signs are pointing that way but I'm trying my hardest to fight it.

To fight fate?

Perhaps whatever the reason I was moved here, whatever lesson there was to be learnt, has been learnt and He wants me to move forward to the next stage.

I can't think what the purpose of Malaysia was, is, but I know I have grown miles as a person. In fact now I feel like a woman, when I moved here, I was just a girl.

I know right now I can't see any good of moving back to the UK, but perhaps that's the point. Perhaps there is something waiting for me and I'll kick myself for not having returned sooner.

But perhaps that's all part of the plan.

I left my dream job in radio because I was depressed and couldn't handle day to day living. I choose to travel and fell in love with it.

When I returned I worked for WR as a temporary measure hating everyday and wondering why I gave up my dream.

Then finally the reason for WR came along, to prolong my dream of travel and I was whisked away to HK.

Just as I felt it was time to move on, KL came about and I embraced it with open arms for it seemed right.

I don't regret a single decision I made. But right now I'm so scared.

So scared of making a decision I'll live to regret. But, maybe once I've taken that step, this decision will fall into place, just like all the others did.

I must never forget my moto in life, one that has always been with me - Have Faith.

Given up

I am so down and out about work. I got in this morning and before I even open my mail I'm bombarded with crap. I feel like I just don't care. I don't care that someone has threatened to leave, I don't care that someone has offered to come in and do over time and that I should do too, I don't care that the stats report is incorrect, I don't care that we need to start on recruitment again, I don't care that cases haven't been monitored properly, I don't care that we can't compete with the UK's performance. I couldn't give a shit if someone has complained, I don't care that I haven't finished what you asked me to start. I DON'T CARE. I DON'T. The only reason I'm still here is because I'm completely fucked. If I was in my home country with family to rely on and a place to stay rent free for a month or so I would have left already. I would have left you with no warning and given minimal notice. And what's worse is that I know that YOU KNOW I don't care but you haven't even got the strength to raise it with me because you're SCARED that you'll lose me. But the truth is, you've already lost me.

BLACK Tuesday

I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job

Kabul; Saib-e-Tabrizi

~ I just finished reading A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hossini on my back to the UK. The book is a beautiful one and if possible, I enjoyed it even more so than I did The Kite Runner (his first novel). Possibly because this time he concentrates on the lives of two women and their fight for survival in a man's world. I'd recommend it to anyone, it's one of those books where you can just feel every emotion the characters feel, it's so real, so well written. Below is the poem of which the book title is extracted from. I find it quite beautiful, that someone could write so passionately about the place they call home. And all of it's hidden secrets behind closed doors

Ah! How beautiful is Kabul encircled by her arid mountains
And Rose, of the trails of thorns she envies
Her gusts of powdered soil, slightly sting my eyes
But I love her, for knowing and loving are born of this same dust

My song exhalts her dazzling tulips
And at the beauty of her trees, I blush
How sparkling the water flows from Pul-I Bastaan!
May Allah protect such beauty from the evil eye of man!

Khizr chose the path to Kabul in order to reach Paradise
For her mountains brought him close to the delights of heaven
From the fort with sprawling walls, A Dragon of protection
Each stone is there more precious than the treasure of Shayagan

Every street of Kabul is enthralling to the eye
Through the bazaars, caravans of Egypt pass
One could not count the moons that shimmer on her roofs
And the thousand splendid suns that hide behind her walls

Her laughter of mornings has the gaiety of flowers
Her nights of darkness, the reflections of lustrous hair
Her melodious nightingales, with passion sing their songs
Ardent tunes, as leaves enflamed, cascading from their throats

And I, I sing in the gardens of Jahanara, of Sharbara
And even the trumpets of heaven envy their green pastures

Mini Panic Over

OK everyone calm down, caaaaalm down. I must just have a bug. LOL.......

"Morning sickness occurs in 50 to 80% of new mom's to be. It's unfortunate that for many, the morning sickness will strike all through the day and not just in the morning. Most cases of morning sickness start between the 4th and 6th week of pregnancy and lasts until the 14th to 16th week. An easy way to calculate this would be 5 or 6 weeks from the first day of the last menstrual period"

The baby WOULD be oh-so-pwetty though hehe :)

Blurgh

Sitting in the office feeling like my body is somewhere between -7, GMT and +8 - in other words, totally fucked.

I was sick as a dog on the airplane and because the toilets were occupied I had to puke into a sick bag in the aisle in front of the whole cabin - nice!

Still feeling nauseous this morning... slightly concerned.

The "Chat"

Well my flight back to the UK was delayed yesterday so I landed at 4.30pm and was home and down the pub by 8.00pm with my friends for a catch up, it was good fun. So strange all the girls together for the first time in years. Our group have been friends since we were about 13, funny how all our lives have worked out.

Mr Big offered to drive me home and we went back to his for a while for a cuddle on the sofa and watched some TV together. We were mucking around and pretending to be "in love" I told him I thought about him every second of every minute of every hour whilst I was away, he told me he thought about me every 36 seconds. Then we had some "Hollywood Movie kisses" (it's where you pretend you're very passionate about one another and then say "Wow, you blow my mind" I know silly but well, that's us). I love being with him, for just those few hours every few months it's like I'm in a movie with the perfect man and feeling like I'm in the perfect relationship.

Then suddenly out of no where Big says how he wishes I was here always *gulp* and I say to him but yes if I were here, this wouldn't be this - so be careful what you wish for! Then he starts telling me off for never talking "seriously" with him and that I never talk, he always does, and I never tell him how I feel. Oh. Dear.

And so I told him, well if I were back, living here maybe we could take a shot and he seemed to like that idea although is still petrified of telling everyone about our sordid affair of 8 years (I suggested perhaps we don't mention that bit!).

Sigh, as he held me in his arms and kissed me with messy sexy hair and a cutsie smile he said "One Day Katelin, one day" - what does that mean?? Um. Hm.

Eventually I left at about 03.00am and crawled into bed but couldn't sleep for the dam jet lag, so I text him saying thanks for a fun night and that he could always be my little bit on the side and I pretty much got the same message back at the same time - hehe.

Ah well, life goes on. One day someone will knock our heads together and tell us to sort it out... one day...

365 days to go...

2009 is finally upon us and I inhale it with a hope that it will be a good one. There are so many things that I wish for my future and I hope that some will come to light in the coming 12 months. My main priority this year is to sort out my career. Which of course will include where I lay my head at night... So let me rephrase that. My main priority this year is to decide where I want to live, ultimately.

After a crazy few days in Vegas which included bumping into (or rather, stalking) Nadine from Girls Aloud in Pure Nightclub and being asked to Heff's private party at the Playboy Club (yes, its true!) we flew back to San Jose to see the New Year in. We were all exhausted and so decided we would have our own party at Shrub and Billy's apartment. We bought lots of nibbly bits and drank copious amounts of wine. We also bought the American Idol Superstar Karaoke PS2 Game - it was SUCH a laugh. I don't think I've laughed THAT hard in quite some time! I can confirm that Simon Cowell thinks we're all crap and destroyed some of his favourite songs of all time! Ha!

It's been good spending time with the two of them, I've always felt comfortable around them and being here. Yesterday they both had to work so I went over the road to their gym and then out shopping - didn't buy much surprisingly! Was trying to trim the budget a bit this time round. Sort of wondered for a while what it would be like to live here - it's like the complete opposite to KL. When you approach a road to cross, cars actually stop and wait for you to cross the road - crazy! haha I couldn't get use to it and kept waiting at the curb for them to pass. But I like America. Everyone is so friendly with their "have a nice day!" its infectious. Although some times you doubt if its genuine, I'd rather someone say "have a nice day" and not mean it than say "fuck off" and do mean it!

I fly back to the UK today for a one night stop over. After a very enjoyable Christmas present from Mr Big on Christmas day *ahem* he has messaged me asking f we will be able to spend more time together before I leave. Doesn't look likely. I'm meeting up with all my friends tomorrow night and although he will be there too, I highly doubt he'll whisk me away to a nice hotel for a night of passion - haha. Although, if he were to, that would possibly finish off my holidays nicely!

Shrub and Billy asked me about Mr Big again. They laugh, they are about the only people of my UK connection that know of our on going, "affair" they can't make head nor tail of it either. Possibly because its like we're fuck buddies but we actually enjoy all the time in between together (as in the friendship part too) and that it has carried on like this for so long. But the truth is, if I were to live back in the UK it wouldn't work - I couldn't carry on being his bit on the side and seeing him EVERYDAY but for some reason being away and having the relationship we have doesn't seem sordid or dirty.

If it was just sex, would he touch my face and caresses my body in such a loving way, his body shake as he kisses my neck, would he whisper "are you OK?" in my ear and would he hold me in his arms and let me sprinkle his face with kisses afterwards? Maybe. But I know him. I still remember his words "you're the only girl who has ever given me butterflies in my tummy". He must have said that to me a dozen times *smile*.

It's so funny, as nervous as i feel when I'm with him, it never feels wrong. It always feels perfect, yet at the same time I have no desire to move back and be with him. Shrub reckons we're both just too nervous to let our guard down and say "hey, i love you, lets get together". I just smile and say yes I love him but we wants different things from life - it would never work. Besides, last year I asked him to come out for a few months and work from home in KL and he out rightly refused. He's safe, in England in his comfort zone and here I am travelling the world. But then perhaps that's what I need, someone to pull me into reality.

Well who's to say what the future may hold. it's 2009 after all ANYTHING could happen. But right now, I've gotta prioritise my life in KL and work out what the HELL I'm gonna do! I got 365 days left.... I'm sure I'll work it out... sure(!)

Signing out.

A "Pigeon" and A Pear Tree...

We had the FRIGHT of our LIVES this morning. As I dragged myself out of bed to my Mum's boundless childlike energy and made my way down to our living room to open "Santa's" presents we heard this strange sound come from our chimney.

As we all looked over we saw dust start to pour down and a random twig land on the floor. I joked that Santa was stuck and my Step Dad said it was probably the wind outside shifting the dirt. But there was no wind...

My parents decided to turn on the gas fire (I don't really understand why) and my Step dad went outside to look at the Chimney just to check nothing untoward was going on. Suddenly there was this crazy noise and then BAM a giant PIGEON was lying on our fire place!!! Covered in ash and crap and shaking furiously!

I screamed and jumped up on the sofa and my Mum yelled for my Step Dad. I then started to piss myself laughing - what the HELL were we gonna do with this pigeon in our living room???

As I started to order and instruct my Step Dad what to do (open the patio door and grab a towel to pick it up in!) he said well you seem to know what to do - you do it! Ha! I said I'd only seen that they pick up birds from behind and hold their wings so they can't move on animal rescue shows I wasn't going to actually do it! But my Mum stood there in her dressing gown and rollers, my Step dad suddenly confessed out of no where he had a fear of birds and I had no choice!

So I crepped up behind it in my fleece PJs and a giant towel and slowly crouched down and wrapped it in the towel and carried it outside... the poor thing was making some WEIRD noises and shaking like mad but it was as light as air - I was surprised. All the while, my Mum stood there all snappy happy taking photos (which I'll upload to this blog later!) and placed him outside.

Pete, (who I fondly refer to him as) slowly moved away and nestled himself amongst the shrubbery in our garden. I was the hero! Haha! We all laughed about it after and even now as I glance out of the window I can see him on top of our fence. His wings aren't broken as he managed to fly up there but the poor thing is obviously in shock! We're keeping an eye on Pete and will call the RSPCA if he doesn't appear to get any better in the next few hours... or alternatively... cook him for lunch! :P

Midnight Mass (& all the drama surrounding it!)

Yesterday I went into town with Mr Big and Jacek for last minute shopping - I had to help Mr Big choose a perfume for his Mum and help Jacek buy gifts for the other boys.

As we got in the car to head back to do our last bits and bobs before meeting again later, Jacek coyly asked me a question. He asked me (in the sweetest, most un-offending way) if I wouldn't mind not talking about the past when we all went to Mass tonight - why? Because his new girlfriend was coming too. Aiyo!

Just to give you a little history, Jacek was my first boyfriend and I was his first at the ripe old age of 17. We lost our virginity to one another. We dated for about 2 and a half years, during which time my depression first manifested in its full form and eventually I decided to end our relationship because I couldn't handle the strain I had put Jacek under and in fairness, he was too young to have to deal with all that shit. I wanted him to go off and have fun whilst I tried to find a way out of my black hole...

For a few years when I saw him it was never really that comfortable but 6 years on we get on as well as we did when we dated and it's great because when we all hang out together everyone feels happy and we have a real laugh. It seems everyone looks back at those times (including us) with happy memories of our Childhood. We were the couple that held the group together and Jacek is the only ex I have been comfortable to be friends with after a break up. Although I was depressed I hid it well and although it was always present I was genuinely happy when I was with Jacek, the depression was just a part of my life the loomed in the background.

So anyway, I said to Jacek, well doesn't she know we broke up over half a decade ago? And that we were just kids really! And he said yes, but she can be quite jealous etc. and doesn't understand how I can be friends with an ex-girlfriend. I felt sorry for her and didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable (after all, we were gong with Jacek's family). So in the end, I said I would go to another Church and not to worry but Jacek insisted I came but just be sensitive.... ok....

Later in the evening I talked to my Mum and asked her if she thought I should go, she said she could understand how the girl would feel (I guess she would look at me and think - that girl has had sex with my boyfriend!) but then Jacek rang me once again to ensure i was coming and told me how much his family were looking forward to seeing me! Oh dear!

So after my Christmas Eve family meal I made my way out to Jacek's place and Mr Big came to meet me in his car, as we got out at Jacek's he gave me a big passionate kiss which took me quite by suprise and simply said "well, you were never going to kiss me were you?" *blush* why am I always so shy? We stood kissing for a little while out in the cold with my whole tiny self enwrapped in his big arms, before correcting my lip gloss and heading in.

As we arrived, Jacek's parents went CRAZY they were really excited to see me and the girlfriend stood back. We met once before and I was really nice to her and found her pleasant and I gave her a kiss and said hi. We all scrambled in the car and headed to Church.

My God. I now understand why people in the UK find religion on the whole SUCH a drag. Although the Christmas Carols were lovely, no one really got "into" it and as the vicar spoke there seemed no heart or passion in what he had to say. I sighed, I wish my friends could experience what I have, but all the same, it felt good to be there. Whilst sitting there I thought of Bombies, Mr J and Blanks and all they had done this year which had lead me to this point. I felt thankful to have had them in my life.

As we left, I shook the Vicar's hand and wished him a blessed Christmas and Jacek's Mum turned to me and said "all those years you refused to join us and now suddenly you want to come, why?" As I quietly mentioned that I had started to attend Church she nearly jumped for joy, hugging me saying "There is so much I don't know about you, I am so happy to see this change in you" I glanced back at Jacek and he smiled at me and I gave him a reassuring wink, as I turned back I caught the girlfriend's eye... if looks could kill...!

The irony is that when I was dating Jacek, his Mum seemed not so keen on me - I think it was the "you're stealing my only Son" syndrome. As we got back to Jacek's for some wine, I remembered to sit away from Jacek and his Mum again, conveniently plonked herself next to me whispering "you were always my favourite of the girlfriend's he's had" - Oh crikey!!!! I just smiled and joked she was my favourite Mum of my boyfriends....!

As we left to go home at nearly 03.00am I tucked myself into my bed and awoke at about 10.00am to a message from Mr Big asking if I was still awake... he'd sent it at 03.30... I wonder what had been on his mind...

In summary, it wasn't quite the Mass I had been expecting... but I'm so glad I went all the same.

And now onto this mornings drama...!

I'll see you on the other side!

When you tell someone you want to be alone for a while they should respect it. Especially when you are in your own home and have just spent the WHOLE day with them and will be spending the WHOLE of tomorrow with them.

After poking their head around the door for the third time in half an hour, you take a deep breath and patiently say, "I did ask if you could leave me to myself for a little while".

They get stroppy and walk out. Ten minutes later they ask, "Am I allowed to talk to you yet?" You sigh, give up and realise you won't be able to blog until you're back in your own home, in 2009.

Faking It

Today we had all the family over (+ Mr Big) for a gathering. It was great to see my cousins, my Gran and my extended family all together. My Step Dad (Papa Dob) even put on a video of us all from Christmas 1994 when us cousins were doing a "Show" involving singing, dancing, juggling - it was really funny. I was so embarrassed though, I physically turned away from the screen when the camera zoomed in on me, and everyone "awh"ed. haha.

It was hard work though, especially with my Gran who turns 90 next year. She is totally amazing and I admire and love her SO much, we always have long chats and I could spend hours with her, listening to her funny stories from back in the day. But today she must have asked me (and I'm not exaggerating on this occasion) over a dozen times "When are you coming home?" at first I joked and laughed it off and said "I'm home now" (smile). But after a while, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said once again "Please come home, I worry about you so much" and started telling me about how sometimes she calls out for me in the night, thinking I'm sleeping in the next room or gets up and starts to make me breakfast - it broke my heart. Eventually I told her "One day, I promise".

What made it harder is that she kept saying, I don't worry about your Sister because she has Billy* but you're out there on your own. I tried telling her that just because someone is on their own doesn't make them any more unsafe or unhappier than a married person (smile), but I guess she comes from a generation where marriage = happiness. I know that all she wants is to see her Grand Children settled down and "happy" (married) but I can't live my life for other people's dreams, I have to live it for my own.

Even worse, she would turn to Mr Big (she's known him as long as I have) and say, "Tell her to come home would you, she'll listen to you" and he just turned to me and said "Come home". It was SO hard, and it wasn't like it was just them, I felt like that was all that was on people's mind. Even my Mum said to my family when she thought I was out of ear shot "Just because I don't say it, doesn't mean I don't want her home too". In fact, on second thought, she knew I was just within earshot.

I feel like I'm punishing those closest to me, but at the same time, the more they wish for me to come back from my "jolly" the more it makes me want to stay away. I can't explain why, it just aggravates me. I feel like no one understands my life, what I do, why I enjoy it so. Even Mr Big turned to me and said "Well, what's so special about Malaysia then?". Even a man who has been in my life for over 8 years doesn't seem to understand me. I replied "I don't know". Perhaps I don't even know, myself.

How can I tell them that I want to live in Malaysia, indefinitely. Or else, anywhere BUT here?

Ten Reasons... Why I'm Smiling

1) It was the first Chilly morning I've experienced in KL and I drove to work with the windows down, sunglasses on, air con off and music up
2) The sky is now Blue and the Sun is shining
3) My friend rang me from Kuching just to inform me she was going for Kolok Mee
3a) Which lead to the following conversation with my colleagues:

[10:09:44 AM] Bubs says: Ooooh my friend just rang me from Kuching.. she is going for Kolok Mee... I wanna go too....!
[10:10:13 AM] JT says: I WANT I WANT!!!!
[10:10:18 AM] MT says: me too! me too!
[10:12:01 AM] Bubs says: I've never tried.... but I feel it is a dish I'd love....
[10:12:24 AM] Bubs says: And REAL sarawak laksa...... sigh.....
[10:13:35 AM] MT says: kolok mee and sarawak laksa are in the blood of every true born sarawakian.
[10:14:34 AM] JT says: then, i'm not true born. i only like kolok mee. :D
[10:16:54 AM] Bubs says: You obviously haven't been to Lucky Garden - it's heaven, in a bowl!
[10:23:48 AM] JT says: ooh...sounds enticing!

4) I bought Candy for the Starbucks Team as a Christmas offering and they gave me a free latte as a gift back
5) I'm flying back to the UK tomorrow and will see my family
6) Blanks called last night for coffee. After an initial flustered 10 seconds (exclaiming to Bombies raised eye brow "I don't want to discuss it") I became totally unphased by it.
7) One of my male KL friends text me this morning and referred to me as "Princess"
8) Mr J told me that the canvas has arrived and so he can start working on my painting soon
9) Went for Supper with Bombies and Mr J last night and discussed starting my own business... the dream of doing so is enough to put it on this list
10) I feel loved.

If I don't get the opportunity to blog over the next few days in the lead up to Christmas, I wish you a very merry one and I hope all your dreams for 2009 come true.

2009 and Beyond...

Well I have decided to train to do the Singapore Full Marathon on the 6th December 2009 - just under a year away.

I was discussing it with my PT last night and I told him I was serious about getting my arse in gear, changing my diet, doing more weight training on my legs (to strengthen my knees), and preparing to run a marathon and run it well.

My first target includes completing one half marathon every 6-8 weeks (whether it be competitive or in training) and reducing my time to 2 hours. Yikes! We're going to design a programme that's going to be flexible around my work but means I can train outdoors too (early morning rise on a Saturday then it would seem!)

I have asked my Sister to come over to Singapore and run it with me as her running speed is similar to mine, I'm hoping she'll agree. We did talk about doing the Flora London marathon in 2010 (Will be changed to Virgin Marathon after 2009 apparently) which she was up for but I'd really like to do a marathon next year. Fingers crossed she'll say yes, it would be awesome to cross the finish line with her.

In the meantime I'm feeling much more positive about the year ahead and thinking about all the opportunties that lie. I'm going to stop looking at this whole situation as a negative one but one of opportunity - I've got one year of being paid in a job that I don't like left, BUT that gives me one whole year to search for the "perfect" job in the meantime or jobs plural.

I was thinking... if I could get the right Visas I could have so much fun....

For example:

- Teach part time in an International School (Get to work with kids)
- Unpaid weekend position with BFM (Get to work in Media)
- Freelance GX Instructor (Get to work in Fitness)

Could you imagine? Juggle all three - I'd have the dream combination.... no money... but who cares... I'd be living the dream! (Haha) let's see what I can do hu?

Wow, 2009 is gonna be one heck of a challenge. And that's just the planning phase - 2010 is when it's all going to change. That's if... something doesn't happen in the meantime which takes me in a different direction, which inevitably, looking at my life to date, will!

Passionate Pain

~ I wrote these two blogs below in word format this morning when I got into the office and was really pissed off - can ya tell? I've calmed down now but it's always good to add these throws of passion into my blog for good measure.

Oh, interesting fact, I learnt yesterday that the word passion derives from the Italian word which means "pain". I then thought about the film "The Passion of Christ". A duplex meaning.

But isn't it true, that in all passion there are elements of pain too....

Thought of the day for you.

Skin & Bones

I feel offended. One of my friends from the UK who I’ve known since I was about 11 left a comment on one of my photos on FB saying that I looked “soooooo skinny” I laughed it off and said I was going for the lean/ athletic look as oppose to the latter.

Then some emails have been going back and forth between friends as we are trying to plan a get together and she keeps addressing me as “Hey Miss Skinny” and “Can’t wait to see your skinny body” I’m like – WTF?

Then last night, I was at the hair dressers and I bumped into a girl that I use to hang out with all the time when I first moved to KL, I can’t have seen her in so long as she said oh this is the first time I’ve seen you with braces. But more notably the first thing she said was “oh my god you’re so skinny” I just said thank you as I’m getting use to this (what I feel is a criticism) comment. Then as she left she hugged me and said “you should really try and put some weight on over Christmas, you don’t even look like you any more”. I was like … speechless!

Maybe it’s me but I think of a skinny person as someone who doesn’t work out, has no muscle definition and no fat - "skin and bone". I personally like to think of my body as “slim” or “trim” because I know for a fact that I am not skinny. I have a bit of a belly on me (which I like to refer to as my food baby) and the rest of me, well, yeh its ok, it’s in proportion. But I would say its lean as in, I have muscle definition especially in my legs from running and my arms and shoulders are nicely defined. I know my chest is a bit boney but that is common in runners too. I am really distressed by this constant “skinny” comment.

The thing that bugs me the most is you start to wonder how “fat” you really were before and why people told you that you weren’t fat before you lost weight but yet constantly fixate on your weight loss. If you weren’t over weight in the first place then how can you become under weight?

I’m not one of these people who have a distorted body image, I know what I look like. Yes I admit, I scrutinize myself a bit, especially lately as ironically I have gained about 3 kilos in the last couple of months but I know all in all, my figure is “alright” I’m a size 10.

So please, if you want to compliment me tell me the following:

1) You look so slim
2) Your boobs look huge today

That's all that's necessary, really.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T

My shitty job is pissing me off. Yet again I come into the office to find another new development and project (created by the UK office) that I have to work on and have not been consulted over.

I called my boss in HK and I think he could tell I was upset (my voice goes a little strained), he agreed with me as to why I was so upset and said that he was going to address the matter straight away. Why am I always seen as a subsidiary manager? They had a “Managers Meeting” the other week in the UK to which my HK manager attended and so did all the others EXCEPT for me and I said to him, if I’m a manager surely I should be there too? He agreed and yet again apologized on their behalf and said “Well you know how unorganized WR are”. They didn’t even send me the minutes! I don’t think they even took them!! If decisions are made that affect me or if I have to undertake new tasks in my day to day work then I should AT LEAST be consulted and my opinion sought. Not just turn up for work and find an email in my inbox outlining what is suddenly dumped upon and expected of me.

The latest is that they want a daily teleconference with me and my in patient coordinators everyday at 5pm (9am their time). I can guarantee you this will not last. I leave work for Christmas in 3 days and by the New Year they will have forgotten all about this new structure. It will be either that someone has arrived into the office late in the UK, or we are all kept back waiting for them, or it’s forgotten or cancelled. They would expect us to wait til 5.30-6.00pm until everyone is there, but would they even IMAGINE coming in at 7.30-08.00am? No. I know how CRAP my company is. I’m so sick of this. It’s like they say “Jump!” And I’m suppose to say “How high?” Fuckers. They can go fuck themselves I’m sick of this shit. I’ll be dammed if I go into the UK office when I’m back on my annual leave time. Piss off.

I can’t stand this fucking place. I know this may sound like a minor matter but it’s one minor matter after another, after another for 3 dam years! My manager is going to get an earful from me in my appraisal in January. What pisses me off the most is that he understands and tries to support me as much as he can (he often feels he is treated the same, seeing as he is remote in Asia too) but it makes fuck all difference.

I’m not worthy of my company, they do not value me. But I tell you, if I left this office today and never came back they would be totally and utterly fucked. NO ONE from the UK would want to work here and do this job. I’m leaving this company by the end of 2009. You mark my words. And if I don’t, somebody shoot me.

Where's my map?

Mr J made a very clever analogy today after Church today which made me laugh. We were discussing how God has our lives planned out for us and if we didn’t just keep fucking up, the end result would be pretty dam good. But instead, we make continuous mistakes, poorly judged decisions and fall off the track here and there. Mr J said it’s like GPS – we take a wrong route and although the ETA will no doubt be affected, the GPS just recalculates and shows us a new route to try and get us back on the straight and narrow. He’s so right. But GPS is such a know it all, sometimes you deliberately take a wrong turning just because you think you know a better route. Just like in life, we have a sudden urge to do something reckless and the recovery period can be long and hard.

I know and I admit, openly that I’m still searching for someone to complete me. I guess that’s why they call it your “other half”. Someone to share my dreams, my passions, my laughter and my love . Right now, I’ll continue to clean my toilet with all but my undies and rubber gloves on, lie on my sofa eating chocolate with my fleece PJ’s which have pictures of frogs all over them and once in a while get an early nights rest on a Sunday and sit, as I am now – in my lovely clean sheets, yummy smelling candles all around me, listening to Café del Mar, blogging and smiling at what on earth 2009 could possibly have in store for me…

I love my Ma

I don't feel like anyone is appreciating how ill I feel :(

Waaaaaa I actually called my Ma last night just to ask her to give me sympathy! I lay on my bed literally "waaaaing" to her complaining that my neck hurt so much I can't even turn it (which is true, it hurts like hell!)

She started harping on at me about taking painkillers, going to the doctors, having a proper diet, taking more rest, working less, stop partying and stop exercising - my response was, can you just be nice and make cooing noises at me and tell me I'm pretty please, which she subsequently did.

I ordered some Christmas flowers for her earlier in the week and they will arrive at her work tomorrow morning, sending her Christmas joy and reminding her that I will be back 'home', yet again in 1 weeks time. I hope they make her smile.



~ the flowers I ordered from www.longacres.co.uk

As much as my Mum isn't someone I turn to if I needed 'life' advice, she's always good for an over the phone cuddle and some love.

I love my Ma.

Changing Rooms

I am a firm believer that friendships after relationships seldom work, as much as you want it to, as much as you try, as much as you convince yourself it will work, generally, it doesn't.

Once you have opened doors you can’t just shut them again and pretend you haven’t been through to the room on the other side and seen all the wonderful things it contains.

You can’t then just go back to the room you were in before. Because the whole time you are thinking about how much better the other room was and how unfair it is that someone put a padlock on it and you’re not allowed to go back. You try to break the padlock but find that you don't have the right key.

So I guess you’ll either stay in the original room and in time, you’ll deal with how dull it is in comparison, or, you’ll just walk out of the house altogether and find another room to walk into, to which the door will remain open.

Wahoooo I did it!

I did it! I did it! I did it!

Distance: 21.2km Half Marathon
Where: Singapore Island
Time: 2 hours 28 minutes and 35 seconds
Position: 538th out of 3,044 women
Pain Factor: Most excruciating body pain yet (ranking higher than Mount Kinabalu epidemic)
Enjoyment Factor: positively 10/10
Would I do it again: Yes 100% BRING ON THE FULL MARATHON!



In the early hours of Sunday 7th December I woke from a restless 5 hour sleep to sound of my alarm belting out in my ear at the ungodly hour of 04.45am. I jumped out of bed and into the shower to try and wake myself up from my half awake/ half asleep/ semi dream/ coma. Recklessly shaking H to “get up, lazy bum”, gulped down a banana and 500ml of water and headed out into the blackness, bumping into thousands of zombies all dressed very similarly to myself. I was nervous but excited all the same, this is THE big day I had been working towards since before I knew it. I thought back to February when I thought running for 6 minutes was an achievement… those days were long gone.

As we made our way to the start line I moaned to H that I needed to pee… again… for the millionth time. I really don’t drink much fluid so the last few days were really taken its toll on my poor weak bladder, so we queued for the porta-loo with what seemed like 49,999 other racers. Eventually I got my good luck hug and I headed for the start line. I was stumped at about 150 metres short! But I was there, nevertheless.

The total number of people competing in the Full marathon, half marathon and 10K was 50,000 compared to the first race in 2002 which had a measly 2,665 competitors – crazy!

The music was pumping over the speakers, my adrenalin was high and the final minute countdown began I focused my energy, switched on my I pod, took a deep breath and begun.

The first 5K was a breeze, I concentrated on running at my all time slowest, but was surprised when I got to 5K and had already been running for well over 45 minutes, I really needed to up my pace if I wanted to make my 2.5 hour target. I was thankful I had taken the Imodium before the race, it certainly worked (and I wasn’t constipated afterwards) but all that water played havoc with my bladder! As I resisted the temptation to stop and take a pee (Paula Radcliff style) it eventually evaporated into seemingly salty sweat – nice! As I speeded up over the bridge I heard my name being called and H waving from the side line, I gave him a smile and a wave for the camera and continued on. The race went smoothly with no real comments at this time to make. But as I reached 12K I started to feel the pressure. I noticed a guy had been running very close to me for about 1km. Eventually I pulled out one side of my headphone and asked if he was pacesetting himself against me. He sheepishly smiled and said yes and I told him to at least be polite and introduce himself then! We exchanged names, shook hands and kept in line with each other for about 6K. I’ve never ran with anyone before. At first I felt kinda awkward but eventually it felt really comfortable having someone weave in and out through the slower runners and help keep my pace. When we passed water stations we nodded to one another agreeing whether to pause or not and every now and then he passed me some Energy gel, which I declined but was appreciative of. At our last water stop I quickly asked him what his target time was, he said 3 hours and I suddenly thought to myself, I might be helping him but he is a hindrance to my speed. As he continued to fall behind me (despite my gau ya’s! And lei lei’s!) he told me to go on without him (was comical, like something out of a movie “Forget about me! Save yourself la!” We laughed and I went off ahead. Each man for them self in a race I guess. In a selfish way I’m glad running isn’t a team effort, I honestly think it was the first time in my life I’ve ever felt “fuck it” – I dumped him and headed on alone.

By this point I’d hit the last few K and I was struggling, I pulled over for the first time and stopped for about a minute, stretching out the unbelievable cramp up the backs of my legs and retching up bile on the side of the road. I quickly downed some 100 Plus, grunted, spat and picked up my speed again, passing people from the start who had flown by me and were now limping and catching up with the comfortable, steady runners. The supporters began to grow and thankfully I saw outstretched hands full of deep heat. I swiped at them with my sweaty palms and smeared the paste all over my kness and hamstrings and ran simultaneously (I’m talented I know) – note to self, do not rub sweat out of your eye when you have just rubbed deep heat into your leg – it burns!!!

The last K I nearly, oh SO nearly fell into a walk, the pain was absolutely unbelievable, I cannot express in words. Pure pure agony. But I had promised myself that whatever happened I would not walk. WOULD NOT dammit! I nearly shed a tear but once again I pushed myself back into the sprint. I never and I mean NEVER fail myself. At 500 metres I looked down at my watch, I had 4 minutes left if I wanted to get there in under my target time so I bolted like a rocket and ran down the 100 metres to the speakers playing Michael Jackson’s “Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough” – perfect!

As I crossed the finish line I did a double jump in the air with pure ecstasy and also to ensure my Championchip (hooked to my trainer)registered my time and then gasped heavily half a dozen times. As I leant forward I had to steady myself and then literally limped to the finishers tent to collect my medal. It was over, I did it. But I couldn’t smile, I was concentrating on not dying until AFTER I picked up my medal.

Shortly after H appeared out of nowhere giving me a massive hug I was soaked to the bone and I stood there in my sports bra and pro runners smiling with exhausted glee as he snapped my photo with my big fat chunky medal. He was so, so proud of me and I was even more so of myself, it was an awesome feeling.

As I downed another bottle of water and another bottle of 100 plus I hobbled back to the hotel for some well earned rest, a hot shower and then met H and a friend for brunch which was a carb fest! Later I passed out for a well deserved power nap and then we partied (or rather I sat on a stall and danced with my upper body) until 4am. Then we went for yummy hawker food before passing out until the next morning.

When I eventually got back to KL last night I lay in my bath bubble bath, my body was aching soooo bad and my throat was very tender and voice grainy, and then had thorough enjoyment at poking my massive blister (yup there was 1 at about 17K onwards but it wasn’t too much of a hindrance) with a needle (it was lovely and juicy!) and finally, fell into a deep dreamless sleep at 8.30pm despite the offer of a well cooked meal at a friend’s place.

This morning I woke to slightly less pain (or perhaps I’ve just got use to everywhere feeling bruised) an extremely sore throat, a chesty feeling, looking “stoned” (according to Bombies who told me this over lunch ) and pure “ergh”. It was 6.30am. Time for work! YAY! (not).

But my God was it worth it. I’d do it all again in an instant! Except… I think I need just a teeny, weeny bit more rest. So I’m off to sleep, with my lem-sip and hot water bottle – I’m running a temperature now… but at least my body is lying on a comfy bed wrapped in luscious sheets and cuddling a teddy bear.

Until the marathon… I salute myself! Good night!

Slide (not the playground type)

There was a landslide outside my apartment building last night at about 5.30. Neighbour called to tell me, as I drove back at about 8pm the road was majorly jammed, in fact, I couldn't access my apartment as lots of people had parked on the side to get out and take a look. According to the news the traffic jam was over 3km long!

Luckily I heard on the radio and read in the paper this morning, no one was injured or killed, although I think 17 cars were completely buried and destroyed in the car park it collapsed onto.

They were clearing away the debris until the early hours, I went to bed at about midnight and I could still see/ hear them working. This morning the place was still a bit of a mess. Lots of office workers standing about watching.

To imagine, the slide came from only 15 metres high, the debris after the collapse of the world trade centre twin towers really is unimaginable. Even though I saw that on TV, seeing just a small landslide really puts thing into perspective.

I think I need to move!

2 days, 6 hrs, 18 mins & 2 secs to go...

Wow, I can't believe it... only 3 more sleeps until I take on the Singapore Half Marathon. I'm shocked at how quickly it has come around! Where has the year gone?

I have been training a lot, but if I'm honest with myself, I could have pushed myself substantially further. It sounds like such a lame excuse but I just haven't had the time lately to fit any more training into my weeks.

I usually work out 2-3 times per week (either cardio or weights) and trying to do a long run every Saturday - I only managed to fit 4 in over the last two months). The last couple of weeks I have been so preoccupied, I hope that my training and the power of inner strength (the mind) can pull me through.

I'm really super excited (bring it on!) although nervous at the same time, this will be my biggest physical challenge yet (although comparable to climbing Mount Kinabalu which was, in a nutshell, horrific!) at least this time I'll be in my comfy Adi-Zero's which are like the dream running shoe. SO comfy... but ha, we shall see on the day, they have only ever run about 15K! Please don't let me down pretty shoes! hehe.

I'm flying to Singapore on Saturday morning, although I wish I was taking the bus, logically I would be getting more rest as less waiting around at airports etc, but never mind. Once I arrive I will check into the hotel and then go and register for the race. Which reminds me, I need to check my blood type group in case of emergency - eek!

I am meeting H in the late afternoon, he is coming to Singapore from HK especially to cheer me on and party after together. I can't wait to see him, it's been about 6 months and despite the fact that we email each other nearly everyday I feel like we have a whole lot to catch up on.

H is going to see a clairvoyant whilst there who was recommended to him by our mutual friend. He asked me if I wanted to go but I have chosen not to, as intrigued as I am about what the future holds for me, I believe that life is all about the unpredictable and a daily test of our personality (strengths and weaknesses) to see how we will handle it. So I have said no, despite an overwhelming temptation, I must not. I believe as well that if someone imprints a thought into your mind, even if you forget about it, it is always there, hovering behind another thought and I feel will ultimately have an effect on a decision that you make. Does that make sense?

Although, perhaps I should just pop my head in and ask if the spirits foresee me completing the half marathon in one piece - hehe just kidding.

Last training session tonight, think of me at 06.30am on Sunday morning!

Boleh! Boleh!

Mixed Messages

I got the strangest compliment from my Managing Director over the phone from the UK. What would you make of this:

(FACT) "Well I read her report on her KL visit and I have to say, I was expecting her to be spending most of the time training you, but it seems it was the other way round!"

Hilarious. So in a nutshell she was saying:

(My Interpretation) "Well, we were all under the impression that you were doing a pretty shit job out there. But in actual fact, perhaps you're doing much better than we give you credit for!"

I'm really not sure whether this is a complimentive ego boost or another knock back (in that, the UK office, my MD included, have absolutely no faith in my capabilities).

I'll take it as constructive criticism and leave it at that. Strangest and most faintest praise I ever received.

Rub salt in my wounds... please!

I just went to get my contraceptive pill. As if it's not depressing enough that I'm not getting laid, but I have to pay MYR 8.90 per pack to be reminded of that.

That's just plain mean.

What You Are, To Me...

A ray of sunshine on an otherwise cloudy day
The smell of freshly cut grass after the rain
Phosphorous twinkling all around me in the midnight sea

The sound of singing to a beautiful melody
A monologue on an empty stage
My favourite song on an old scratched CD

The taste of coffee on a mundane morning
The temptation of ice cream over frozen yogurt
A glass of wine in a hot steamy bubble bath

A photograph lost then found
A phone call from a friend on a lonely evening
A book that you just can't put down

A sneaky cigarette between my fingers
Making love under white sheets
A smile that is just for me

A big bear hug when I'm feeling blue
A little card that says i love you
A wink that is between you and I

Knowing that you have made somebody proud
Being there for a good friend when they are down
Crying to someone who understands your sorrow

Watching an old black and white movie
Reminiscing over childhood memories
Admitting that you don't mind a bit of jazz

Wearing painful shoes so your legs look just-that-little-bit better
Applying make up for a special night out
Looking in the mirror and feeling pretty

Driving my car at full speed down the highway
Dancing all night long
Prancing about in a little sundress

Walking out of the salon with new bouncy hair
Singing in my shower and not caring who hears
Running until I no longer feel the pain

That's what you are to me.

Shut Your Trap

I feel like my mouth has been raped.

Well that was the last appointment for 2008, next one will be 2009 by which point I'll be about 1/3+ a way through.

Today the orthodontist got right in there with his high pitched squealing drill (bbrr makes my hairs stand on end and my toes curl) and filed away some more of my teeth, as he went for the gap in the middle I literally begged (with hands in a prayer like fashion) for him not to make too much of a gap. He was very gentle with me, I think he finds it funny how uptight I get over a 1mm gap when my whole mouth is invaded with titanium, plastic and what not.

But it was ok la, just a very slight gap. Feels so tight with the new titanium wire on, he only adjusted the top this time, not the bottom. It's amazing really, every time they tighten the brace, my mouth seems to take a new form, my front teeth are practically touching! :) I'm quite pleased that I've got titanium on both rows of teeth now as the white had started to chip off and I always thought it looked kinda weird with the bottom half titanium and top white.

Gosh, my heart is still beating like a little mouse, I really do tense up in that place. And that stupid hygienist, gargh! She winds me up the most with her "Apply lip balm" every time she puts balm on my lips she says in this whiney voice "appppply lip baaaaalm". It's like, yes love, I know what it is now FUCK OFF. Sorry, it's just the way she says it. Annoys me.

All in all, another successful appointment. Every time it makes me more and more happy I chose to finally do this. Wish they'd hire a new hygienist though.

Pens are for writing. Food is for eating.

Why do people chew pens? It's grose!

I've been at my colleague's desk today as I need to cover her work for three days and keep an eye on the new girl (who btw, drives me bonkers).

I was sitting here mulling over how to reply an email when suddenly I was like eeeuuuwh what's that smell? I'd been holding the pen in my hand, resting my elbow on the desk and tapping it against my chin(as you do) and I looked at it and saw it was all munched on and yucky and, to top it off smelly! Euuuuwwwwhhhh.

Well that's the last time I tap a pen anywhere near my face. I feel like I may have caught a disease.

I've now picked up all the pens and pencil's from my office and brought them over here to this desk.

Yikes, what if she licks the keyboard as well...?

Crazy Catz

Oh. My. Gosh. I had the most horrific dream last night! I was dreaming that I was climbing Mount Kinabalu (as you do) and suddenly this evil cat appeared and pounced at my face with his claws out!

In self defense I swung my arm out to block my face. As I did so, I inadvertently punched myself in the nose! As I woke in the darkness, I saw something flying across my bed which (in my dreamy state) I thought was the cat (but was actually a cushion) and I swung out to hit it again and somehow hit myself AGAIN and caused a nose bleed!!!

I'm laughing hysterically at myself now but at 4.30 this morning it was anything BUT funny! I was completely traumatised.

I'm definitely not buying a cat.