Monday, September 29, 2008

To think or not to think, that is the question.

I couldn't get to sleep last night because I had some thoughts about a few matters running through my mind. Even though they were pretty small they were bugging me and I was tossing and turning for about an hour. In the end I sat up, switched on my bedside lamp and quickly jotted down the lines below. It's a pretty lame poem but once I had written it I fell into a dreamless sleep...


Think

I would like to learn how to forget to think
To not overanalyze something that causes no blink

That feeling you get deep inside your tummy
It wriggles and churns and makes you feel funny

These things that concern me, like matters of the heart
Trying to put them aside is a form they call art

I don’t know why the smallest things cause so much pain
I wish I had more control over the stampead of my terrain

I would like to feel the expression “just go with the flow”
But most times I just can’t and I hate feeling so low

The problem is, that I am who I am
How I am perceived, I wish I gave not a dam

I guess that’s the concern of a people pleaser
Though you always strive to do your best, there are times when you just need a rest

Right now I’m in a place and it’s sometimes alone
I want to explain so it’s you that I phone
But how does one explain such a crazy thought process
You can’t really, it’s impossible, so to poetry I digress

I would like to learn how to forget to think.

I think.

I’m on the brink.

I think.
_________________________________________________
- ergh the line "I guess that’s the concern of a people pleaser Though you always strive to do your best, there are times when you just need a rest " doesn't fit in with the rest. But whatever, I'm not gonna sit and start changing bits around. That's how I wrote it last night so that's how it'll stay. I think so at least... wahahaha. oh dear.

I'm An Egg

I felt so happy yesterday. I was looking through the photos I took at Saturday nights Hennessy Party (which rocked btw) and I came across a photo of all the girls together.

Amongst them was me. Usually I let out a little sigh thinking, hhhmm, I'm so white/ I don't fit in/ I hate looking different etc etc. But this time I looked at the photo and in a way which I can't really describe... I looked, well, right. I actually couldn't see the white/ Asian difference. I just felt like I looked the same as everyone else. Does that make any sense??

Perhaps I just finally feel like I belong and am accepting who I am.

An Egg.

White on the outside, yellow on the inside ;)

Friday, September 26, 2008

In My Life

I was talking to Bombies tonight, telling her I'd moved my blog from it's old site to blogger.com

She suggested why don't I post some of the poetry I wrote. Hhhmmm maybe. Not today though. However, a song just came on my I tunes, and it is very fitting for how I feel about Friendships today. It's called "In My Life" by The Beatles and (depressing as it sounds) it's actually the song I want played at my funeral, except, no one knows this! Eek, what if I die without causing so much as a ripple and everyone wonders what song I would have liked and they end up choosing Abba?? Gee, i really would "turn in my grave".

So, here are the lyrics. Very fitting to my blog below.

There are places i'll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends i still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life i've loved them all
But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When i think of love as something new
Though i know i'll never lose affection
For people and things that went beforeI know i'll often stop and think about them
In my life i love you more
Though i know i'll never lose affection
For people and things that went beforeI know i'll often stop and think about them
In my life i love you more
In my life i love you more

Mirror of Reflection

The last few weeks at work have been a real challenge. I have found myself coming up against situations where normally I would have reached boiling point and come back to my apartment and cried thinking – I want to go “home”. This week was different in particular and I keep thinking back to the Bubs who arrived in KL a little over a year ago and how she would have handled things.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I feel like I see a whole different person staring back at me, someone I am familiar with but can’t quite place. This year has been such a turning point for me; I think the main thing is that I’ve had to grow up. Fast. I’ve been betrayed, I’ve been belittled and I’ve been (something else beginning with ‘b’?) nah, just challenged would be better.

Each time I am faced with a new situation which I don’t believe I can handle I find myself taking it straight on face to face and most importantly resolving the issue, learning from it and moving on.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever go “home”. I never in my dreams imagined that Malaysia could be somewhere I would think of as “home” or that I could live in “forever” but these days I can’t imagine a place I’d rather be.

I mean at the end of the day, it might sound exciting living and working abroad but principally it is the same as anywhere. We work and we play. A regular Saturday usually consists of gym work out, brunch with friends (undoubtedly Lucky Garden, 1pm), coffee (general mooching about), out dancing and drinking followed breakfast at 5 am at some random mamak stall (premiership on in background), bed 6 am and then onto Sunday which may or maynot be something productive.

But living here is different in a sense. Tonight for example I spent the evening with Bombies, Mr J, The CatMachine and oh, I don’t have a blog name for Nani. Hehe. We drove for miles (i.e further than Bangsar) and ended up in Serbang. We went for Paper Chicken, Snow beer and Lok Lok – I mean, I’ve been living here for over a year and I’m still trying out new food, it’s great! I love it and I love the people that surround my life. My world.

I do at times feel like I’m still “missing” something and I’m on the cusp of finding it I’m sure. Soon it will be 2009, my my I do often sit and wonder what the year ahead will bring, only time can tell. Right now all I can think of is two elements of my life that I want to work on and develop. Of course, life is ever a path way complicated by brambles and bushes that get in the way of the garden gate but these are all part of the adventure I guess.

Sometimes I wish I could stop thinking about tomorrow and simply live for today. I think I do, that is my objective, to make each day count but at the same time I am always thinking ahead of how I would like things to be and of course, it never turns out quite like how we wish but some how, I think about today and smile, I am content. Does that make sense?

I guess what I’m trying to say is that we all have this ideal world of how we see our lives panning out and in reality, it never follows through exactly the way we hope but when I sit back and look at what I have right now, right this second, its not at all what I planned but it’s a happiness I could never plan either.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Lucky - Jason Mraz & Colbie Caillat

Dedicated To My Gay "Husband"...

"Do you hear me, Talking to you Across the water across the deep blue ocean Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying Boy I hear you in my dreams I feel your whisper across the sea I keep you with me in my heart You make it easier when life gets hard Lucky I'm in love with my best friend Lucky to have been where I have been Lucky to be coming home again Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh They don't know how long it takes Waiting for a love like this Every time we say goodbye I wish we had one more kiss I'll wait for you I promise you, I will Lucky I'm in love with my best friend Lucky to have been where I have been Lucky to be coming home again Lucky we're in love every way Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed Lucky to be coming home someday And so I'm sailing through the sea To an island where we'll meet You'll hear the music fill the air I'll put a flower in your hair though the breezes through trees Move so pretty you're all I see As the world keeps spinning round You hold me right here right now Lucky I'm in love with my best friend Lucky to have been where I have been Lucky to be coming home again Lucky we're in love every way Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed Lucky to be coming home someday Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh Ooooh ooooh oooh"

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Have Faith

I had the most amazing day yesterday, but it wasn’t what I did, it was the conversations that I was enwrapped in with my boyfriend.

A few years ago, I lost my faith in God. I went through a terrible time in my life and when I needed him to hold my hand he did not and when I wanted it all to disappear it simply wouldn’t. And I realized that I was being saved. For a while I resented ‘Him’ so much but after some time I came to realize that I was special and that life was worth living after all. I had been given a second chance.

My boyfriend told me the story behind ‘Amazing Grace’ a few weeks ago whilst we were chatting about this and that (he loves to sing this song) and I smiled inside and out knowing that this song was me.

“Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, who saved a wretch like me. I once was lost and now am found, was blind and now I see…”

Yesterday, Blanks and I sat eating carrot cake, drinking Lemon Tea and chain smoking Marlboros and something felt right and I told him the story of my losing and once again, finding of Faith. I have never felt so connected and understood by anyone in my life. His eyes glistened with tears as he said “Do you know, that you are very loved?” and asked me to kiss him.

I felt loved in a way that I can’t describe. I think it was God’s love.

It's Not A Fashion Show Luv'

I'm concerned that I'm becoming one of those pretentious people. I mean, don't get me wrong, I AM shallow and materialistic (wahaha) but today, after doing my laundry I noticed how fashionable my gym clothes have become.


I've been buying more and more gym clothes because of the amount of training I've been doing for the half marathon I'm doing in December in Singapore, and I've also accumulated gym clothing from the 2 runs I have now completed.


I needed new trainers because i kept getting blisters from my old ones and then, oh i dunno.. you step into Nike for one thing and walk out with all of the below.... aiyo.

Even my ipod is flashy.


But, i have to say at least i can honestly admit that I don't do my make up before i work out, I'm definitely not afraid to sweat and my number 1 priority is getting my body lookin tip top so if that means running my arse off until i look like death warmed up or gurn in the mirror as i lift a heavy weight, then dammit i'll do it!

OK, I have totally justified the cute outfits..... i just looked in the mirror, gurning face is scary.



My Brown Eyed Girl


I've been wanting brown eyes for like - ever! (not as much as I've wanted straight teeth, obviously) and the other day i finally got around to buying coloured contact lenses.... seriously... it's like the 21st Century, surely they do Iris transfers these days? I mean, how much would it cost? :P




1 Month Down, 13 To Go!




16.09.08 (From Previous Blog)


Wow, I can't believe it! Today i will have been wearing the braces for 1 month - it has flown by! Here is hoping the next 13 go as quickly!

The difference already is crazy, my 'bucked' teeth are pretty much flat now, my lower teeth are starting to straighten up and when i bite down some of the teeth towards the front are actually touching - it feels weird!

I am able to eat solid food now, although anything crunchy (carrots are a complete no-no!) can still be painful or impossible, but everything else is managable.
I'm totally use to seeing myself wearing the braces but of course am looking forward to the day they come off!

Until next time... smile!

Snoggin'

07.09.08 (From Previous Blog)

I had a bit of a pash with my boyfriend last night when we were out clubbing, I felt like a complete retard having to learn how to kiss again.

Sigh.... Back in the day before my mouth was invadid by metal. check out the passion.

Ugly Betty

05.09.08 (From Previous Blog)


Fuck. I am Ugly Betty.






Completely Traumatised

Oh dear, today was a challenge…

I was all geared up and ready for stage two, the fitting of the bottom braces. I made sure I stuffed myself silly last night and this morning I had breakfast followed by um, a second breakfast at starbucks at about 10.

I made my way down to the dentist at 12 and he asked me how I’d been getting on, I was quite confident but explained that it had been a very painful couple of weeks. The dentist seemed so surprised and said I should have come back in, I rolled my eyes and said, well I was kinda expecting that’s what it would be like!

Turns out the wire I’m using, although looks good, its 0.2 mm thicker than the usual one and this can cause discomfort – hhmm, not convinced. Anyway, this time they gave me diazepam – NOT to be mixed with alcohol and to take 1 hours before bed time – wahooo!

So I was all set and he suggested we try a thinner wire, which was fine by me, they fitted them on and my mouth felt like a plane crash. Because the inside of my mouth is so narrow, my teeth are all angled in so we now faced a new problem – my top row of teeth are biting down on the outside of my lower teeth which means every time I bite down I hit the brackets and not my teeth – does that make sense? Unfortunately, not a lot we can do, apparently in a few days the teeth will move and I will be able to bite again – yay! So dinner tonight was weetbix and a fruit smoothie.

Anyway back to the matter at hand, I walked out of the dentist and for some reason I just burst into tears and I simply couldn’t understand it. I mean, I was more nervous/ traumatized the first time round so why now, when I was all geared up was I such an emotional wreck?

I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, to my horror the bastard had fitted a frickin aluminum wire and not the coated white one. I stomped my way back and practically shouted at him telling him that (and I quote, embarrassingly enough) “I’m not paying all this money to have a gigantic metal bar across my face” he calmed me down and explained that because it was thinner that I had to have aluminum and apologized for not saying that at the time. He said if I wanted to change it to the white I could but the pain would be worse and in 4 months time, I was going to have to change it to aluminum anyway. I burst into tears again and all the nurses, receptionist gathered round with tissues. I explained that this whole thing was rather a big ordeal for me and the dentist was very kind and simply said to me, has one person pointed out that you look any different? and I thought, well, no. and he told me I needed to overcome my own insecurities and just go ahead. So I did.

I apologized for my outburst, took 5 and went back to work, emailing my gay husband, KFP, Butdunc, MM, anyone who would listen, how mortified I was.

After a few hours the pain got worse, from having to hold my jaw forward so I left the office and came home. I then treated myself to a manicure at my local salon and a fruit smoothie and felt a bit better.

On the up, the dentist was really, really surprised how much my teeth have moved (check out my over bite in the pics below and how dramatically it has changed!!) he said the front 4 have totally rotated – yay!! Wahooooo.

My advice to myself today has been: “Get over yourself and pull it together”.

Being Comfortable In My Own Skin

Well, I’m nearly two weeks into it and thought it about time to update you. I can now confirm, 100% that this was the right decision for me. Strangely enough the last two weeks have also been a time for reflection about me, in general. For the first time in my life I found, that rather than obsessing over things in my life I was able to take a step back and simply reassess me, and it’s not as scary as I first thought.

Whilst getting the braces was a big build up (10 years to be exact) after the initial first days I really don’t see the braces any more, I just see me, and me comes with braces, ya get me? My only thing I haven’t come to terms with is that I don’t feel like I can wear my glasses with them yet – lol, baby steps, baby steps.

The first few days, well, week + actually, was horrendous purely because of the pain. My gosh, I had no idea that the level of discomfort would be so bad and I have a strong pain tolerance. What I expected was maybe a “sore mouth” (whatever that is!) but instead I experienced gum, teeth, cheek, lip, jaw, head, neck, eyes, head and face pain. So much so that I actually had to take a half day off work.

It was unbearably painful to eat and even two weeks on I still can’t quite bite with my front teeth, they are so sensitive. But saying that, it’s amazing to believe but several friends (unprompted by me) have actually told me that my upper jaw already seems to have “set back” and I can actually see my “bucked” tooth I hated so much is practically in line with the straight one! I am so happy and keep thinking Hollywood smile Hollywood smile JJJ

Ironically, after a week of liquids, loss of 1 kilo and regain of the use of my jaw later, on Friday (today being Sunday) I will be having the lower braces fixed. So no doubt, I have to prepare myself to go through the pain all… over… again! SIGH!! But, it will ALL BE WORTH IT!
I mentioned before that I would keep track of any comments positive and negative which I received whilst wearing my braces, but to be honest, I don’t know if it’s being in this country (as in people really don’t give a shit/ are not pretentious) no one really gives a f*** haha J they are just like, oh you got braces, why? You have nice teeth. Haha.

So all is good. Update you again after Friday’s appointment.

How I Feel Today

22.08.08 (From Previous Blog)

"When you’re different, sometimes you don’t see the millions of people who accept you for what you are. All you notice is the one person who doesn’t”

Change of Heart; Jodi Picoult.

'D' Day

19.08.08 (from previous blog)

I did not sleep well last night at all, understandably. I woke up feeling like crap, especially after the rotten night I’d had - but that’s a WHOLE other diary entry.

I got this text from my boyfriend “Whatever that is beautiful, whatever that is lovely, whatever that is worthwhile, think of such things. Everything is going to be fine. Trust me”

That helped lift my mood J

As 12.00pm rolled around I packed up my bag and headed down to the clinic (which happens to be on the ground floor of my office building)

So here goes…

I sat in the chair, so so quiet, I didn’t even attempt to make conversation when I walked in, I was like “Hi, just do it”. the dentist just nodded, like some kind of unspoken language that was read through my eyes - see what he heard was this: “Listen here, dick head. If there were anyone in the world that I could hate more in the world right now it would be you. You, Mr, you Mr Dentist who is a dentist because he didn’t make it as a REAL DOCTOR. Well, you better do a dam good job. Because in 14 months I will be thanking you for putting me through this shitty experience and beaming with a huge gigantic Hollywood smile! Shall we begin?”

As he put the first few brackets it on I ran my tongue over them and they felt HUGE even though I had seen them before and they looked pretty small. Gradually, one by one he put each bracket on followed by the wire and screwed it so tight I felt like my teeth were gonna be pulled out then an there. I lay there with the dark glasses on lithey give you, listening to the stupid “calming” music they played softly in the background and slowly the tears began to well up - what the hell am I doing? Then my heart started to race and my palms got sweaty and he obviously sensed I was nervous and asked if I needed to take a break but I just shook my head and pulled the tears back in. Suck it up girl, come on, this is what you want, there’s no turning back now.

UGLY BETTY
UGLY BETTY
UGLY BETTY

Then he told me to rinse and spit… then he handed me a mirror.

Ergh.

Oh.

Errrrrr.

Um.

Hhhmm.

(thought process in my head)

OK, this is ok, well my lip is like, looking weird but I can totally pull off “the pout” haha. I didn’t say a lot. Paid 4000 myr and walked out to my car and applied my new MAC lip gloss J

So, luckily I took the rest of the day off and went home to work, I have to admit, I do just keep looking at myself in the mirror - haha. It’s been an ok afternoon. I can now shut my mouth nw and I’m trying out different “smiles” hehe. But now, its about 9pm and my whole face is beginning to hurt like hell.

I decided to take a shower earlier and reapply my make up so I didn’t look rough (even though I’m sitting here on my own) and my god, brushing the teeth is one thing but getting the toothpasty shite out is quite another. I’m gonna have to get up 10 mins earlier in the morning to accommodate the art of brace brushing perfection.

So, yeh, tomorrow will be the big day, seeing how people react. I’ll make note of the comments/ jokes/ compliments (if any) that I receive. I just popped over to my neighbors place, Elia, she lives a few doors down and she didn’t even say anything then was like “oh shit I didn’t notice, I was expecting a mouth full of metal but if I stand here (moved two feet back) I can’t even notice!” bless, telling the truth or lying it felt good.

Man I’m bloody starving. But after the mission of getting the toothpasty crap out of my mouth, I’m not sure can handle the soup!!!

Good job I bought that tub of Ben and Jerry’s on my way home eh?


The Time is Now

17.08.08 (From previous blog)

It’s been some time since I wrote in my blog. I guess I’ve been kinda preoccupied with, well, living life actually.

But that’s a whole other blog, which will be stored in my thoughts rather than documented on the world wide web.

The purpose of this new entry is actually to document a big change in my life. On Tuesday, I am finally, after ten years of waiting, having braces fitted. Yes, you heard me right, brace, train tracks, whatever you wish to refer to it as.

To give you a background, I’ve wanted braces fitted ever since I can remember, the soul purpose of this is because I have a 7mm over bite which makes my teeth stick out in quite a goofy fashion. Ten years ago when consulting a dentist I was told not to proceed because it may change the shape of my face, thus, altering the change of my smile. Disappointed, it’s always been at the back of my mind. I say back, often front, every time I pose for a photo always trying my hardest not to get a ‘side profile’ shot and generally every time I look in the mirror as I brush my teeth ach day and night, checking to see if they were getting worse (which they have done).

Last year I saw a dentist for a routine check up and he mentioned to me that I may benefit from braces and it got my thoughts running all over again, could I actually do this?

After thinking it through, seriously for nearly a year I went back to the dentist two weeks ago and got referred to the orthodontist. We talked it through and discussed options. I was told that the actual overbite could be fixed within six months and to work on the whole mouth was estimated at 14 months. 14 months. 14 months of braces, at age 25, can I handle that?

I went away feeling more confused than ever, but agreed to come in the following week to have photos taken, xrays, moulds and such to determine the exact programme we would need to go through and the type of braces/ extractions I would require. In a nutshell, here are the details:

Time Line: 14 months. Significant difference in overbite within 12 weeks. After braces are removed teeth will be whitened and capped. Followed by 2-5 years of a fixed retainer placed behind my teeth (will not be noticeable) and removable retainer at night.

Teeth extraction: None required. Although, likely to have one wisdom tooth removed following braces as it hasn’t broken through the gums yet.

Type of braces: I will actually be having white brackets which are a little more natural looking than the old style silver ones. Initially I will also have a white wire placed through the braces but after a few months I will have to change to a silver wire as this is a little thicker and stronger. I will also need to wear elastic bands day and night (oh lord) in the later months. The more tolerant I am of them and the more I wear them the quicker the whole process will be over and done with. I was really concerned about having the silver wire but during my final consultation on Friday I met a girl (very similar age to me) who had literally just had them fitted. Bless her, she looked mortified and I was definitely feeling her ‘pain’. I gentely asked her if I could see her braces, she sheepishly showed me and I was overwhelmed with how bad they WEREN’T. And she had the silver wire. At least I will have time to get use to my new image before they shove the ultimate bling on my teeth.

Cost: GBP 1500. Yes, it is an awful lot of money, paid over installments. The reality is that this is something I REALLY want and the price, if I were to do this anywhere else in the world would be more (if we compare to the UK its half the prices).

So what is the objective of all this?: To feel more confident and happy with my smile. That really is it. To be able to smile and not feel critical of it. To be able to be caught on camera laughing and not to have to delete the photo because I can’t stand how my teeth look. But also there are some other elements. Such as my natural face shape. I have a swelling around my bottom lip because of my over bit, I have clicking jaw whih may have some reduction once the teeth are more aligned, to be able to bite off noodles with my front teeth! J I guess all these small things sound so silly but when it’s something that you are conscious of every day of your life, every time you look in the mirror, every time you speak to someone thinking, am I positioning my lips together properly.. Yeh you get the gist.

What will people think? I guess, yes, I admit it I am really nervous at the thought of how I will be perseaved once the braces are on bu I guess after a few weeks, once I am confident with them, people will notice this too and properly won’t be so compelled as to look at them. One f my main concerns was what will my boyfriend think. We have only been together a few months and discussing it I openly told him that I was concerned he wouldn’t find me attractive, he hugged me for a long time and reassured me that if that’s what I want then go for it, oh and that I was stupid to think that. I guess this will actually be a test on the relationship - if it goes tits up because of my teeth, well then he’s not the person I thought he was.

How is it going to effect my life for the next 14 months? Well, er, I guess I won’t be smiling in photos for a long time! Haha. I guess the main thing is going to be eating. As I eat out in mamak restaurants most nights a week and my meals usually consst of noodles its gonna be hard. Not only making sure that I don’t have food stuck in between the bits but also, finding somewhere convenient to brush them or floss or rinse. I have prepared myself this afternoon by buying myself a mini hygiene kit that I can carry about with me and can use in times of need - this includes amirror - hehe. Sigh, this is gonna be hard work.

Am I ready? I don’t think anyone can truly feel 100% certain of the unknown but you have to have passion to want something and I want this. Yes I’m dreading that for the next 14 months I’m going to look horrendous but all the more reason to keep working out to keep my body in tip top shape, good excuses to buy myself new lip glosses to keep my smile looking pretty and generally just make sre that each day I leave the house I feel confident about everything else on my person and I’m sure the more confident I get the easier it will become.

How can my friends support me? Well actually, in truth, the only people who know I’m getting my braces are my very close friends. This includes some of my family, my friends in Malaysia and a couple of friends from UK and HK. The majority of friends from “home” do not know, purely because I don’t wish to be seen as making a big drama out of it, eventually in time, I’m sure they will see pictures on Facebook and I’d much rather they find out gradually than have a big deal made out of it. But as a friend I guess just some reassurance and positive thinking to the end result will help enormously.

In conclusion: I know I’m going to look like a bit of a dork (as Huy keeps so kindly reminding me!) but if JT’s can bring sexy back then hell, I’m bringing dorky back!

Watch this space as I update you on how it all goes over the next 14 months and of course, the final result.




About Me

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Surrey, United Kingdom
"I have found that if a problem rears its head, the best way to deal with it is by being highly emotional, inconsistent and super irrational and the problem tends to go away..."