We had the FRIGHT of our LIVES this morning. As I dragged myself out of bed to my Mum's boundless childlike energy and made my way down to our living room to open "Santa's" presents we heard this strange sound come from our chimney.
As we all looked over we saw dust start to pour down and a random twig land on the floor. I joked that Santa was stuck and my Step Dad said it was probably the wind outside shifting the dirt. But there was no wind...
My parents decided to turn on the gas fire (I don't really understand why) and my Step dad went outside to look at the Chimney just to check nothing untoward was going on. Suddenly there was this crazy noise and then BAM a giant PIGEON was lying on our fire place!!! Covered in ash and crap and shaking furiously!
I screamed and jumped up on the sofa and my Mum yelled for my Step Dad. I then started to piss myself laughing - what the HELL were we gonna do with this pigeon in our living room???
As I started to order and instruct my Step Dad what to do (open the patio door and grab a towel to pick it up in!) he said well you seem to know what to do - you do it! Ha! I said I'd only seen that they pick up birds from behind and hold their wings so they can't move on animal rescue shows I wasn't going to actually do it! But my Mum stood there in her dressing gown and rollers, my Step dad suddenly confessed out of no where he had a fear of birds and I had no choice!
So I crepped up behind it in my fleece PJs and a giant towel and slowly crouched down and wrapped it in the towel and carried it outside... the poor thing was making some WEIRD noises and shaking like mad but it was as light as air - I was surprised. All the while, my Mum stood there all snappy happy taking photos (which I'll upload to this blog later!) and placed him outside.
Pete, (who I fondly refer to him as) slowly moved away and nestled himself amongst the shrubbery in our garden. I was the hero! Haha! We all laughed about it after and even now as I glance out of the window I can see him on top of our fence. His wings aren't broken as he managed to fly up there but the poor thing is obviously in shock! We're keeping an eye on Pete and will call the RSPCA if he doesn't appear to get any better in the next few hours... or alternatively... cook him for lunch! :P
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Midnight Mass (& all the drama surrounding it!)
Yesterday I went into town with Mr Big and Jacek for last minute shopping - I had to help Mr Big choose a perfume for his Mum and help Jacek buy gifts for the other boys.
As we got in the car to head back to do our last bits and bobs before meeting again later, Jacek coyly asked me a question. He asked me (in the sweetest, most un-offending way) if I wouldn't mind not talking about the past when we all went to Mass tonight - why? Because his new girlfriend was coming too. Aiyo!
Just to give you a little history, Jacek was my first boyfriend and I was his first at the ripe old age of 17. We lost our virginity to one another. We dated for about 2 and a half years, during which time my depression first manifested in its full form and eventually I decided to end our relationship because I couldn't handle the strain I had put Jacek under and in fairness, he was too young to have to deal with all that shit. I wanted him to go off and have fun whilst I tried to find a way out of my black hole...
For a few years when I saw him it was never really that comfortable but 6 years on we get on as well as we did when we dated and it's great because when we all hang out together everyone feels happy and we have a real laugh. It seems everyone looks back at those times (including us) with happy memories of our Childhood. We were the couple that held the group together and Jacek is the only ex I have been comfortable to be friends with after a break up. Although I was depressed I hid it well and although it was always present I was genuinely happy when I was with Jacek, the depression was just a part of my life the loomed in the background.
So anyway, I said to Jacek, well doesn't she know we broke up over half a decade ago? And that we were just kids really! And he said yes, but she can be quite jealous etc. and doesn't understand how I can be friends with an ex-girlfriend. I felt sorry for her and didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable (after all, we were gong with Jacek's family). So in the end, I said I would go to another Church and not to worry but Jacek insisted I came but just be sensitive.... ok....
Later in the evening I talked to my Mum and asked her if she thought I should go, she said she could understand how the girl would feel (I guess she would look at me and think - that girl has had sex with my boyfriend!) but then Jacek rang me once again to ensure i was coming and told me how much his family were looking forward to seeing me! Oh dear!
So after my Christmas Eve family meal I made my way out to Jacek's place and Mr Big came to meet me in his car, as we got out at Jacek's he gave me a big passionate kiss which took me quite by suprise and simply said "well, you were never going to kiss me were you?" *blush* why am I always so shy? We stood kissing for a little while out in the cold with my whole tiny self enwrapped in his big arms, before correcting my lip gloss and heading in.
As we arrived, Jacek's parents went CRAZY they were really excited to see me and the girlfriend stood back. We met once before and I was really nice to her and found her pleasant and I gave her a kiss and said hi. We all scrambled in the car and headed to Church.
My God. I now understand why people in the UK find religion on the whole SUCH a drag. Although the Christmas Carols were lovely, no one really got "into" it and as the vicar spoke there seemed no heart or passion in what he had to say. I sighed, I wish my friends could experience what I have, but all the same, it felt good to be there. Whilst sitting there I thought of Bombies, Mr J and Blanks and all they had done this year which had lead me to this point. I felt thankful to have had them in my life.
As we left, I shook the Vicar's hand and wished him a blessed Christmas and Jacek's Mum turned to me and said "all those years you refused to join us and now suddenly you want to come, why?" As I quietly mentioned that I had started to attend Church she nearly jumped for joy, hugging me saying "There is so much I don't know about you, I am so happy to see this change in you" I glanced back at Jacek and he smiled at me and I gave him a reassuring wink, as I turned back I caught the girlfriend's eye... if looks could kill...!
The irony is that when I was dating Jacek, his Mum seemed not so keen on me - I think it was the "you're stealing my only Son" syndrome. As we got back to Jacek's for some wine, I remembered to sit away from Jacek and his Mum again, conveniently plonked herself next to me whispering "you were always my favourite of the girlfriend's he's had" - Oh crikey!!!! I just smiled and joked she was my favourite Mum of my boyfriends....!
As we left to go home at nearly 03.00am I tucked myself into my bed and awoke at about 10.00am to a message from Mr Big asking if I was still awake... he'd sent it at 03.30... I wonder what had been on his mind...
In summary, it wasn't quite the Mass I had been expecting... but I'm so glad I went all the same.
And now onto this mornings drama...!
As we got in the car to head back to do our last bits and bobs before meeting again later, Jacek coyly asked me a question. He asked me (in the sweetest, most un-offending way) if I wouldn't mind not talking about the past when we all went to Mass tonight - why? Because his new girlfriend was coming too. Aiyo!
Just to give you a little history, Jacek was my first boyfriend and I was his first at the ripe old age of 17. We lost our virginity to one another. We dated for about 2 and a half years, during which time my depression first manifested in its full form and eventually I decided to end our relationship because I couldn't handle the strain I had put Jacek under and in fairness, he was too young to have to deal with all that shit. I wanted him to go off and have fun whilst I tried to find a way out of my black hole...
For a few years when I saw him it was never really that comfortable but 6 years on we get on as well as we did when we dated and it's great because when we all hang out together everyone feels happy and we have a real laugh. It seems everyone looks back at those times (including us) with happy memories of our Childhood. We were the couple that held the group together and Jacek is the only ex I have been comfortable to be friends with after a break up. Although I was depressed I hid it well and although it was always present I was genuinely happy when I was with Jacek, the depression was just a part of my life the loomed in the background.
So anyway, I said to Jacek, well doesn't she know we broke up over half a decade ago? And that we were just kids really! And he said yes, but she can be quite jealous etc. and doesn't understand how I can be friends with an ex-girlfriend. I felt sorry for her and didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable (after all, we were gong with Jacek's family). So in the end, I said I would go to another Church and not to worry but Jacek insisted I came but just be sensitive.... ok....
Later in the evening I talked to my Mum and asked her if she thought I should go, she said she could understand how the girl would feel (I guess she would look at me and think - that girl has had sex with my boyfriend!) but then Jacek rang me once again to ensure i was coming and told me how much his family were looking forward to seeing me! Oh dear!
So after my Christmas Eve family meal I made my way out to Jacek's place and Mr Big came to meet me in his car, as we got out at Jacek's he gave me a big passionate kiss which took me quite by suprise and simply said "well, you were never going to kiss me were you?" *blush* why am I always so shy? We stood kissing for a little while out in the cold with my whole tiny self enwrapped in his big arms, before correcting my lip gloss and heading in.
As we arrived, Jacek's parents went CRAZY they were really excited to see me and the girlfriend stood back. We met once before and I was really nice to her and found her pleasant and I gave her a kiss and said hi. We all scrambled in the car and headed to Church.
My God. I now understand why people in the UK find religion on the whole SUCH a drag. Although the Christmas Carols were lovely, no one really got "into" it and as the vicar spoke there seemed no heart or passion in what he had to say. I sighed, I wish my friends could experience what I have, but all the same, it felt good to be there. Whilst sitting there I thought of Bombies, Mr J and Blanks and all they had done this year which had lead me to this point. I felt thankful to have had them in my life.
As we left, I shook the Vicar's hand and wished him a blessed Christmas and Jacek's Mum turned to me and said "all those years you refused to join us and now suddenly you want to come, why?" As I quietly mentioned that I had started to attend Church she nearly jumped for joy, hugging me saying "There is so much I don't know about you, I am so happy to see this change in you" I glanced back at Jacek and he smiled at me and I gave him a reassuring wink, as I turned back I caught the girlfriend's eye... if looks could kill...!
The irony is that when I was dating Jacek, his Mum seemed not so keen on me - I think it was the "you're stealing my only Son" syndrome. As we got back to Jacek's for some wine, I remembered to sit away from Jacek and his Mum again, conveniently plonked herself next to me whispering "you were always my favourite of the girlfriend's he's had" - Oh crikey!!!! I just smiled and joked she was my favourite Mum of my boyfriends....!
As we left to go home at nearly 03.00am I tucked myself into my bed and awoke at about 10.00am to a message from Mr Big asking if I was still awake... he'd sent it at 03.30... I wonder what had been on his mind...
In summary, it wasn't quite the Mass I had been expecting... but I'm so glad I went all the same.
And now onto this mornings drama...!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
I'll see you on the other side!
When you tell someone you want to be alone for a while they should respect it. Especially when you are in your own home and have just spent the WHOLE day with them and will be spending the WHOLE of tomorrow with them.
After poking their head around the door for the third time in half an hour, you take a deep breath and patiently say, "I did ask if you could leave me to myself for a little while".
They get stroppy and walk out. Ten minutes later they ask, "Am I allowed to talk to you yet?" You sigh, give up and realise you won't be able to blog until you're back in your own home, in 2009.
After poking their head around the door for the third time in half an hour, you take a deep breath and patiently say, "I did ask if you could leave me to myself for a little while".
They get stroppy and walk out. Ten minutes later they ask, "Am I allowed to talk to you yet?" You sigh, give up and realise you won't be able to blog until you're back in your own home, in 2009.
Faking It
Today we had all the family over (+ Mr Big) for a gathering. It was great to see my cousins, my Gran and my extended family all together. My Step Dad (Papa Dob) even put on a video of us all from Christmas 1994 when us cousins were doing a "Show" involving singing, dancing, juggling - it was really funny. I was so embarrassed though, I physically turned away from the screen when the camera zoomed in on me, and everyone "awh"ed. haha.
It was hard work though, especially with my Gran who turns 90 next year. She is totally amazing and I admire and love her SO much, we always have long chats and I could spend hours with her, listening to her funny stories from back in the day. But today she must have asked me (and I'm not exaggerating on this occasion) over a dozen times "When are you coming home?" at first I joked and laughed it off and said "I'm home now" (smile). But after a while, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said once again "Please come home, I worry about you so much" and started telling me about how sometimes she calls out for me in the night, thinking I'm sleeping in the next room or gets up and starts to make me breakfast - it broke my heart. Eventually I told her "One day, I promise".
What made it harder is that she kept saying, I don't worry about your Sister because she has Billy* but you're out there on your own. I tried telling her that just because someone is on their own doesn't make them any more unsafe or unhappier than a married person (smile), but I guess she comes from a generation where marriage = happiness. I know that all she wants is to see her Grand Children settled down and "happy" (married) but I can't live my life for other people's dreams, I have to live it for my own.
Even worse, she would turn to Mr Big (she's known him as long as I have) and say, "Tell her to come home would you, she'll listen to you" and he just turned to me and said "Come home". It was SO hard, and it wasn't like it was just them, I felt like that was all that was on people's mind. Even my Mum said to my family when she thought I was out of ear shot "Just because I don't say it, doesn't mean I don't want her home too". In fact, on second thought, she knew I was just within earshot.
I feel like I'm punishing those closest to me, but at the same time, the more they wish for me to come back from my "jolly" the more it makes me want to stay away. I can't explain why, it just aggravates me. I feel like no one understands my life, what I do, why I enjoy it so. Even Mr Big turned to me and said "Well, what's so special about Malaysia then?". Even a man who has been in my life for over 8 years doesn't seem to understand me. I replied "I don't know". Perhaps I don't even know, myself.
How can I tell them that I want to live in Malaysia, indefinitely. Or else, anywhere BUT here?
It was hard work though, especially with my Gran who turns 90 next year. She is totally amazing and I admire and love her SO much, we always have long chats and I could spend hours with her, listening to her funny stories from back in the day. But today she must have asked me (and I'm not exaggerating on this occasion) over a dozen times "When are you coming home?" at first I joked and laughed it off and said "I'm home now" (smile). But after a while, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said once again "Please come home, I worry about you so much" and started telling me about how sometimes she calls out for me in the night, thinking I'm sleeping in the next room or gets up and starts to make me breakfast - it broke my heart. Eventually I told her "One day, I promise".
What made it harder is that she kept saying, I don't worry about your Sister because she has Billy* but you're out there on your own. I tried telling her that just because someone is on their own doesn't make them any more unsafe or unhappier than a married person (smile), but I guess she comes from a generation where marriage = happiness. I know that all she wants is to see her Grand Children settled down and "happy" (married) but I can't live my life for other people's dreams, I have to live it for my own.
Even worse, she would turn to Mr Big (she's known him as long as I have) and say, "Tell her to come home would you, she'll listen to you" and he just turned to me and said "Come home". It was SO hard, and it wasn't like it was just them, I felt like that was all that was on people's mind. Even my Mum said to my family when she thought I was out of ear shot "Just because I don't say it, doesn't mean I don't want her home too". In fact, on second thought, she knew I was just within earshot.
I feel like I'm punishing those closest to me, but at the same time, the more they wish for me to come back from my "jolly" the more it makes me want to stay away. I can't explain why, it just aggravates me. I feel like no one understands my life, what I do, why I enjoy it so. Even Mr Big turned to me and said "Well, what's so special about Malaysia then?". Even a man who has been in my life for over 8 years doesn't seem to understand me. I replied "I don't know". Perhaps I don't even know, myself.
How can I tell them that I want to live in Malaysia, indefinitely. Or else, anywhere BUT here?
Friday, December 19, 2008
Ten Reasons... Why I'm Smiling
1) It was the first Chilly morning I've experienced in KL and I drove to work with the windows down, sunglasses on, air con off and music up
2) The sky is now Blue and the Sun is shining
3) My friend rang me from Kuching just to inform me she was going for Kolok Mee
3a) Which lead to the following conversation with my colleagues:
[10:09:44 AM] Bubs says: Ooooh my friend just rang me from Kuching.. she is going for Kolok Mee... I wanna go too....!
[10:10:13 AM] JT says: I WANT I WANT!!!!
[10:10:18 AM] MT says: me too! me too!
[10:12:01 AM] Bubs says: I've never tried.... but I feel it is a dish I'd love....
[10:12:24 AM] Bubs says: And REAL sarawak laksa...... sigh.....
[10:13:35 AM] MT says: kolok mee and sarawak laksa are in the blood of every true born sarawakian.
[10:14:34 AM] JT says: then, i'm not true born. i only like kolok mee. :D
[10:16:54 AM] Bubs says: You obviously haven't been to Lucky Garden - it's heaven, in a bowl!
[10:23:48 AM] JT says: ooh...sounds enticing!
4) I bought Candy for the Starbucks Team as a Christmas offering and they gave me a free latte as a gift back
5) I'm flying back to the UK tomorrow and will see my family
6) Blanks called last night for coffee. After an initial flustered 10 seconds (exclaiming to Bombies raised eye brow "I don't want to discuss it") I became totally unphased by it.
7) One of my male KL friends text me this morning and referred to me as "Princess"
8) Mr J told me that the canvas has arrived and so he can start working on my painting soon
9) Went for Supper with Bombies and Mr J last night and discussed starting my own business... the dream of doing so is enough to put it on this list
10) I feel loved.
If I don't get the opportunity to blog over the next few days in the lead up to Christmas, I wish you a very merry one and I hope all your dreams for 2009 come true.
2) The sky is now Blue and the Sun is shining
3) My friend rang me from Kuching just to inform me she was going for Kolok Mee
3a) Which lead to the following conversation with my colleagues:
[10:09:44 AM] Bubs says: Ooooh my friend just rang me from Kuching.. she is going for Kolok Mee... I wanna go too....!
[10:10:13 AM] JT says: I WANT I WANT!!!!
[10:10:18 AM] MT says: me too! me too!
[10:12:01 AM] Bubs says: I've never tried.... but I feel it is a dish I'd love....
[10:12:24 AM] Bubs says: And REAL sarawak laksa...... sigh.....
[10:13:35 AM] MT says: kolok mee and sarawak laksa are in the blood of every true born sarawakian.
[10:14:34 AM] JT says: then, i'm not true born. i only like kolok mee. :D
[10:16:54 AM] Bubs says: You obviously haven't been to Lucky Garden - it's heaven, in a bowl!
[10:23:48 AM] JT says: ooh...sounds enticing!
4) I bought Candy for the Starbucks Team as a Christmas offering and they gave me a free latte as a gift back
5) I'm flying back to the UK tomorrow and will see my family
6) Blanks called last night for coffee. After an initial flustered 10 seconds (exclaiming to Bombies raised eye brow "I don't want to discuss it") I became totally unphased by it.
7) One of my male KL friends text me this morning and referred to me as "Princess"
8) Mr J told me that the canvas has arrived and so he can start working on my painting soon
9) Went for Supper with Bombies and Mr J last night and discussed starting my own business... the dream of doing so is enough to put it on this list
10) I feel loved.
If I don't get the opportunity to blog over the next few days in the lead up to Christmas, I wish you a very merry one and I hope all your dreams for 2009 come true.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
2009 and Beyond...
Well I have decided to train to do the Singapore Full Marathon on the 6th December 2009 - just under a year away.
I was discussing it with my PT last night and I told him I was serious about getting my arse in gear, changing my diet, doing more weight training on my legs (to strengthen my knees), and preparing to run a marathon and run it well.
My first target includes completing one half marathon every 6-8 weeks (whether it be competitive or in training) and reducing my time to 2 hours. Yikes! We're going to design a programme that's going to be flexible around my work but means I can train outdoors too (early morning rise on a Saturday then it would seem!)
I have asked my Sister to come over to Singapore and run it with me as her running speed is similar to mine, I'm hoping she'll agree. We did talk about doing the Flora London marathon in 2010 (Will be changed to Virgin Marathon after 2009 apparently) which she was up for but I'd really like to do a marathon next year. Fingers crossed she'll say yes, it would be awesome to cross the finish line with her.
In the meantime I'm feeling much more positive about the year ahead and thinking about all the opportunties that lie. I'm going to stop looking at this whole situation as a negative one but one of opportunity - I've got one year of being paid in a job that I don't like left, BUT that gives me one whole year to search for the "perfect" job in the meantime or jobs plural.
I was thinking... if I could get the right Visas I could have so much fun....
For example:
- Teach part time in an International School (Get to work with kids)
- Unpaid weekend position with BFM (Get to work in Media)
- Freelance GX Instructor (Get to work in Fitness)
Could you imagine? Juggle all three - I'd have the dream combination.... no money... but who cares... I'd be living the dream! (Haha) let's see what I can do hu?
Wow, 2009 is gonna be one heck of a challenge. And that's just the planning phase - 2010 is when it's all going to change. That's if... something doesn't happen in the meantime which takes me in a different direction, which inevitably, looking at my life to date, will!
I was discussing it with my PT last night and I told him I was serious about getting my arse in gear, changing my diet, doing more weight training on my legs (to strengthen my knees), and preparing to run a marathon and run it well.
My first target includes completing one half marathon every 6-8 weeks (whether it be competitive or in training) and reducing my time to 2 hours. Yikes! We're going to design a programme that's going to be flexible around my work but means I can train outdoors too (early morning rise on a Saturday then it would seem!)
I have asked my Sister to come over to Singapore and run it with me as her running speed is similar to mine, I'm hoping she'll agree. We did talk about doing the Flora London marathon in 2010 (Will be changed to Virgin Marathon after 2009 apparently) which she was up for but I'd really like to do a marathon next year. Fingers crossed she'll say yes, it would be awesome to cross the finish line with her.
In the meantime I'm feeling much more positive about the year ahead and thinking about all the opportunties that lie. I'm going to stop looking at this whole situation as a negative one but one of opportunity - I've got one year of being paid in a job that I don't like left, BUT that gives me one whole year to search for the "perfect" job in the meantime or jobs plural.
I was thinking... if I could get the right Visas I could have so much fun....
For example:
- Teach part time in an International School (Get to work with kids)
- Unpaid weekend position with BFM (Get to work in Media)
- Freelance GX Instructor (Get to work in Fitness)
Could you imagine? Juggle all three - I'd have the dream combination.... no money... but who cares... I'd be living the dream! (Haha) let's see what I can do hu?
Wow, 2009 is gonna be one heck of a challenge. And that's just the planning phase - 2010 is when it's all going to change. That's if... something doesn't happen in the meantime which takes me in a different direction, which inevitably, looking at my life to date, will!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Passionate Pain
~ I wrote these two blogs below in word format this morning when I got into the office and was really pissed off - can ya tell? I've calmed down now but it's always good to add these throws of passion into my blog for good measure.
Oh, interesting fact, I learnt yesterday that the word passion derives from the Italian word which means "pain". I then thought about the film "The Passion of Christ". A duplex meaning.
But isn't it true, that in all passion there are elements of pain too....
Thought of the day for you.
Oh, interesting fact, I learnt yesterday that the word passion derives from the Italian word which means "pain". I then thought about the film "The Passion of Christ". A duplex meaning.
But isn't it true, that in all passion there are elements of pain too....
Thought of the day for you.
Skin & Bones
I feel offended. One of my friends from the UK who I’ve known since I was about 11 left a comment on one of my photos on FB saying that I looked “soooooo skinny” I laughed it off and said I was going for the lean/ athletic look as oppose to the latter.
Then some emails have been going back and forth between friends as we are trying to plan a get together and she keeps addressing me as “Hey Miss Skinny” and “Can’t wait to see your skinny body” I’m like – WTF?
Then last night, I was at the hair dressers and I bumped into a girl that I use to hang out with all the time when I first moved to KL, I can’t have seen her in so long as she said oh this is the first time I’ve seen you with braces. But more notably the first thing she said was “oh my god you’re so skinny” I just said thank you as I’m getting use to this (what I feel is a criticism) comment. Then as she left she hugged me and said “you should really try and put some weight on over Christmas, you don’t even look like you any more”. I was like … speechless!
Maybe it’s me but I think of a skinny person as someone who doesn’t work out, has no muscle definition and no fat - "skin and bone". I personally like to think of my body as “slim” or “trim” because I know for a fact that I am not skinny. I have a bit of a belly on me (which I like to refer to as my food baby) and the rest of me, well, yeh its ok, it’s in proportion. But I would say its lean as in, I have muscle definition especially in my legs from running and my arms and shoulders are nicely defined. I know my chest is a bit boney but that is common in runners too. I am really distressed by this constant “skinny” comment.
The thing that bugs me the most is you start to wonder how “fat” you really were before and why people told you that you weren’t fat before you lost weight but yet constantly fixate on your weight loss. If you weren’t over weight in the first place then how can you become under weight?
I’m not one of these people who have a distorted body image, I know what I look like. Yes I admit, I scrutinize myself a bit, especially lately as ironically I have gained about 3 kilos in the last couple of months but I know all in all, my figure is “alright” I’m a size 10.
So please, if you want to compliment me tell me the following:
1) You look so slim
2) Your boobs look huge today
That's all that's necessary, really.
Then some emails have been going back and forth between friends as we are trying to plan a get together and she keeps addressing me as “Hey Miss Skinny” and “Can’t wait to see your skinny body” I’m like – WTF?
Then last night, I was at the hair dressers and I bumped into a girl that I use to hang out with all the time when I first moved to KL, I can’t have seen her in so long as she said oh this is the first time I’ve seen you with braces. But more notably the first thing she said was “oh my god you’re so skinny” I just said thank you as I’m getting use to this (what I feel is a criticism) comment. Then as she left she hugged me and said “you should really try and put some weight on over Christmas, you don’t even look like you any more”. I was like … speechless!
Maybe it’s me but I think of a skinny person as someone who doesn’t work out, has no muscle definition and no fat - "skin and bone". I personally like to think of my body as “slim” or “trim” because I know for a fact that I am not skinny. I have a bit of a belly on me (which I like to refer to as my food baby) and the rest of me, well, yeh its ok, it’s in proportion. But I would say its lean as in, I have muscle definition especially in my legs from running and my arms and shoulders are nicely defined. I know my chest is a bit boney but that is common in runners too. I am really distressed by this constant “skinny” comment.
The thing that bugs me the most is you start to wonder how “fat” you really were before and why people told you that you weren’t fat before you lost weight but yet constantly fixate on your weight loss. If you weren’t over weight in the first place then how can you become under weight?
I’m not one of these people who have a distorted body image, I know what I look like. Yes I admit, I scrutinize myself a bit, especially lately as ironically I have gained about 3 kilos in the last couple of months but I know all in all, my figure is “alright” I’m a size 10.
So please, if you want to compliment me tell me the following:
1) You look so slim
2) Your boobs look huge today
That's all that's necessary, really.
R.E.S.P.E.C.T
My shitty job is pissing me off. Yet again I come into the office to find another new development and project (created by the UK office) that I have to work on and have not been consulted over.
I called my boss in HK and I think he could tell I was upset (my voice goes a little strained), he agreed with me as to why I was so upset and said that he was going to address the matter straight away. Why am I always seen as a subsidiary manager? They had a “Managers Meeting” the other week in the UK to which my HK manager attended and so did all the others EXCEPT for me and I said to him, if I’m a manager surely I should be there too? He agreed and yet again apologized on their behalf and said “Well you know how unorganized WR are”. They didn’t even send me the minutes! I don’t think they even took them!! If decisions are made that affect me or if I have to undertake new tasks in my day to day work then I should AT LEAST be consulted and my opinion sought. Not just turn up for work and find an email in my inbox outlining what is suddenly dumped upon and expected of me.
The latest is that they want a daily teleconference with me and my in patient coordinators everyday at 5pm (9am their time). I can guarantee you this will not last. I leave work for Christmas in 3 days and by the New Year they will have forgotten all about this new structure. It will be either that someone has arrived into the office late in the UK, or we are all kept back waiting for them, or it’s forgotten or cancelled. They would expect us to wait til 5.30-6.00pm until everyone is there, but would they even IMAGINE coming in at 7.30-08.00am? No. I know how CRAP my company is. I’m so sick of this. It’s like they say “Jump!” And I’m suppose to say “How high?” Fuckers. They can go fuck themselves I’m sick of this shit. I’ll be dammed if I go into the UK office when I’m back on my annual leave time. Piss off.
I can’t stand this fucking place. I know this may sound like a minor matter but it’s one minor matter after another, after another for 3 dam years! My manager is going to get an earful from me in my appraisal in January. What pisses me off the most is that he understands and tries to support me as much as he can (he often feels he is treated the same, seeing as he is remote in Asia too) but it makes fuck all difference.
I’m not worthy of my company, they do not value me. But I tell you, if I left this office today and never came back they would be totally and utterly fucked. NO ONE from the UK would want to work here and do this job. I’m leaving this company by the end of 2009. You mark my words. And if I don’t, somebody shoot me.
I called my boss in HK and I think he could tell I was upset (my voice goes a little strained), he agreed with me as to why I was so upset and said that he was going to address the matter straight away. Why am I always seen as a subsidiary manager? They had a “Managers Meeting” the other week in the UK to which my HK manager attended and so did all the others EXCEPT for me and I said to him, if I’m a manager surely I should be there too? He agreed and yet again apologized on their behalf and said “Well you know how unorganized WR are”. They didn’t even send me the minutes! I don’t think they even took them!! If decisions are made that affect me or if I have to undertake new tasks in my day to day work then I should AT LEAST be consulted and my opinion sought. Not just turn up for work and find an email in my inbox outlining what is suddenly dumped upon and expected of me.
The latest is that they want a daily teleconference with me and my in patient coordinators everyday at 5pm (9am their time). I can guarantee you this will not last. I leave work for Christmas in 3 days and by the New Year they will have forgotten all about this new structure. It will be either that someone has arrived into the office late in the UK, or we are all kept back waiting for them, or it’s forgotten or cancelled. They would expect us to wait til 5.30-6.00pm until everyone is there, but would they even IMAGINE coming in at 7.30-08.00am? No. I know how CRAP my company is. I’m so sick of this. It’s like they say “Jump!” And I’m suppose to say “How high?” Fuckers. They can go fuck themselves I’m sick of this shit. I’ll be dammed if I go into the UK office when I’m back on my annual leave time. Piss off.
I can’t stand this fucking place. I know this may sound like a minor matter but it’s one minor matter after another, after another for 3 dam years! My manager is going to get an earful from me in my appraisal in January. What pisses me off the most is that he understands and tries to support me as much as he can (he often feels he is treated the same, seeing as he is remote in Asia too) but it makes fuck all difference.
I’m not worthy of my company, they do not value me. But I tell you, if I left this office today and never came back they would be totally and utterly fucked. NO ONE from the UK would want to work here and do this job. I’m leaving this company by the end of 2009. You mark my words. And if I don’t, somebody shoot me.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Where's my map?
Mr J made a very clever analogy today after Church today which made me laugh. We were discussing how God has our lives planned out for us and if we didn’t just keep fucking up, the end result would be pretty dam good. But instead, we make continuous mistakes, poorly judged decisions and fall off the track here and there. Mr J said it’s like GPS – we take a wrong route and although the ETA will no doubt be affected, the GPS just recalculates and shows us a new route to try and get us back on the straight and narrow. He’s so right. But GPS is such a know it all, sometimes you deliberately take a wrong turning just because you think you know a better route. Just like in life, we have a sudden urge to do something reckless and the recovery period can be long and hard.
I know and I admit, openly that I’m still searching for someone to complete me. I guess that’s why they call it your “other half”. Someone to share my dreams, my passions, my laughter and my love . Right now, I’ll continue to clean my toilet with all but my undies and rubber gloves on, lie on my sofa eating chocolate with my fleece PJ’s which have pictures of frogs all over them and once in a while get an early nights rest on a Sunday and sit, as I am now – in my lovely clean sheets, yummy smelling candles all around me, listening to Café del Mar, blogging and smiling at what on earth 2009 could possibly have in store for me…
I know and I admit, openly that I’m still searching for someone to complete me. I guess that’s why they call it your “other half”. Someone to share my dreams, my passions, my laughter and my love . Right now, I’ll continue to clean my toilet with all but my undies and rubber gloves on, lie on my sofa eating chocolate with my fleece PJ’s which have pictures of frogs all over them and once in a while get an early nights rest on a Sunday and sit, as I am now – in my lovely clean sheets, yummy smelling candles all around me, listening to Café del Mar, blogging and smiling at what on earth 2009 could possibly have in store for me…
Friday, December 12, 2008
I love my Ma
I don't feel like anyone is appreciating how ill I feel :(
Waaaaaa I actually called my Ma last night just to ask her to give me sympathy! I lay on my bed literally "waaaaing" to her complaining that my neck hurt so much I can't even turn it (which is true, it hurts like hell!)
She started harping on at me about taking painkillers, going to the doctors, having a proper diet, taking more rest, working less, stop partying and stop exercising - my response was, can you just be nice and make cooing noises at me and tell me I'm pretty please, which she subsequently did.
I ordered some Christmas flowers for her earlier in the week and they will arrive at her work tomorrow morning, sending her Christmas joy and reminding her that I will be back 'home', yet again in 1 weeks time. I hope they make her smile.
~ the flowers I ordered from www.longacres.co.uk
As much as my Mum isn't someone I turn to if I needed 'life' advice, she's always good for an over the phone cuddle and some love.
I love my Ma.
Waaaaaa I actually called my Ma last night just to ask her to give me sympathy! I lay on my bed literally "waaaaing" to her complaining that my neck hurt so much I can't even turn it (which is true, it hurts like hell!)
She started harping on at me about taking painkillers, going to the doctors, having a proper diet, taking more rest, working less, stop partying and stop exercising - my response was, can you just be nice and make cooing noises at me and tell me I'm pretty please, which she subsequently did.
I ordered some Christmas flowers for her earlier in the week and they will arrive at her work tomorrow morning, sending her Christmas joy and reminding her that I will be back 'home', yet again in 1 weeks time. I hope they make her smile.
~ the flowers I ordered from www.longacres.co.uk
As much as my Mum isn't someone I turn to if I needed 'life' advice, she's always good for an over the phone cuddle and some love.
I love my Ma.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Changing Rooms
I am a firm believer that friendships after relationships seldom work, as much as you want it to, as much as you try, as much as you convince yourself it will work, generally, it doesn't.
Once you have opened doors you can’t just shut them again and pretend you haven’t been through to the room on the other side and seen all the wonderful things it contains.
You can’t then just go back to the room you were in before. Because the whole time you are thinking about how much better the other room was and how unfair it is that someone put a padlock on it and you’re not allowed to go back. You try to break the padlock but find that you don't have the right key.
So I guess you’ll either stay in the original room and in time, you’ll deal with how dull it is in comparison, or, you’ll just walk out of the house altogether and find another room to walk into, to which the door will remain open.
Once you have opened doors you can’t just shut them again and pretend you haven’t been through to the room on the other side and seen all the wonderful things it contains.
You can’t then just go back to the room you were in before. Because the whole time you are thinking about how much better the other room was and how unfair it is that someone put a padlock on it and you’re not allowed to go back. You try to break the padlock but find that you don't have the right key.
So I guess you’ll either stay in the original room and in time, you’ll deal with how dull it is in comparison, or, you’ll just walk out of the house altogether and find another room to walk into, to which the door will remain open.
Wahoooo I did it!
I did it! I did it! I did it!
Distance: 21.2km Half Marathon
Where: Singapore Island
Time: 2 hours 28 minutes and 35 seconds
Position: 538th out of 3,044 women
Pain Factor: Most excruciating body pain yet (ranking higher than Mount Kinabalu epidemic)
Enjoyment Factor: positively 10/10
Would I do it again: Yes 100% BRING ON THE FULL MARATHON!
In the early hours of Sunday 7th December I woke from a restless 5 hour sleep to sound of my alarm belting out in my ear at the ungodly hour of 04.45am. I jumped out of bed and into the shower to try and wake myself up from my half awake/ half asleep/ semi dream/ coma. Recklessly shaking H to “get up, lazy bum”, gulped down a banana and 500ml of water and headed out into the blackness, bumping into thousands of zombies all dressed very similarly to myself. I was nervous but excited all the same, this is THE big day I had been working towards since before I knew it. I thought back to February when I thought running for 6 minutes was an achievement… those days were long gone.
As we made our way to the start line I moaned to H that I needed to pee… again… for the millionth time. I really don’t drink much fluid so the last few days were really taken its toll on my poor weak bladder, so we queued for the porta-loo with what seemed like 49,999 other racers. Eventually I got my good luck hug and I headed for the start line. I was stumped at about 150 metres short! But I was there, nevertheless.
The total number of people competing in the Full marathon, half marathon and 10K was 50,000 compared to the first race in 2002 which had a measly 2,665 competitors – crazy!
The music was pumping over the speakers, my adrenalin was high and the final minute countdown began I focused my energy, switched on my I pod, took a deep breath and begun.
The first 5K was a breeze, I concentrated on running at my all time slowest, but was surprised when I got to 5K and had already been running for well over 45 minutes, I really needed to up my pace if I wanted to make my 2.5 hour target. I was thankful I had taken the Imodium before the race, it certainly worked (and I wasn’t constipated afterwards) but all that water played havoc with my bladder! As I resisted the temptation to stop and take a pee (Paula Radcliff style) it eventually evaporated into seemingly salty sweat – nice! As I speeded up over the bridge I heard my name being called and H waving from the side line, I gave him a smile and a wave for the camera and continued on. The race went smoothly with no real comments at this time to make. But as I reached 12K I started to feel the pressure. I noticed a guy had been running very close to me for about 1km. Eventually I pulled out one side of my headphone and asked if he was pacesetting himself against me. He sheepishly smiled and said yes and I told him to at least be polite and introduce himself then! We exchanged names, shook hands and kept in line with each other for about 6K. I’ve never ran with anyone before. At first I felt kinda awkward but eventually it felt really comfortable having someone weave in and out through the slower runners and help keep my pace. When we passed water stations we nodded to one another agreeing whether to pause or not and every now and then he passed me some Energy gel, which I declined but was appreciative of. At our last water stop I quickly asked him what his target time was, he said 3 hours and I suddenly thought to myself, I might be helping him but he is a hindrance to my speed. As he continued to fall behind me (despite my gau ya’s! And lei lei’s!) he told me to go on without him (was comical, like something out of a movie “Forget about me! Save yourself la!” We laughed and I went off ahead. Each man for them self in a race I guess. In a selfish way I’m glad running isn’t a team effort, I honestly think it was the first time in my life I’ve ever felt “fuck it” – I dumped him and headed on alone.
By this point I’d hit the last few K and I was struggling, I pulled over for the first time and stopped for about a minute, stretching out the unbelievable cramp up the backs of my legs and retching up bile on the side of the road. I quickly downed some 100 Plus, grunted, spat and picked up my speed again, passing people from the start who had flown by me and were now limping and catching up with the comfortable, steady runners. The supporters began to grow and thankfully I saw outstretched hands full of deep heat. I swiped at them with my sweaty palms and smeared the paste all over my kness and hamstrings and ran simultaneously (I’m talented I know) – note to self, do not rub sweat out of your eye when you have just rubbed deep heat into your leg – it burns!!!
The last K I nearly, oh SO nearly fell into a walk, the pain was absolutely unbelievable, I cannot express in words. Pure pure agony. But I had promised myself that whatever happened I would not walk. WOULD NOT dammit! I nearly shed a tear but once again I pushed myself back into the sprint. I never and I mean NEVER fail myself. At 500 metres I looked down at my watch, I had 4 minutes left if I wanted to get there in under my target time so I bolted like a rocket and ran down the 100 metres to the speakers playing Michael Jackson’s “Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough” – perfect!
As I crossed the finish line I did a double jump in the air with pure ecstasy and also to ensure my Championchip (hooked to my trainer)registered my time and then gasped heavily half a dozen times. As I leant forward I had to steady myself and then literally limped to the finishers tent to collect my medal. It was over, I did it. But I couldn’t smile, I was concentrating on not dying until AFTER I picked up my medal.
Shortly after H appeared out of nowhere giving me a massive hug I was soaked to the bone and I stood there in my sports bra and pro runners smiling with exhausted glee as he snapped my photo with my big fat chunky medal. He was so, so proud of me and I was even more so of myself, it was an awesome feeling.
As I downed another bottle of water and another bottle of 100 plus I hobbled back to the hotel for some well earned rest, a hot shower and then met H and a friend for brunch which was a carb fest! Later I passed out for a well deserved power nap and then we partied (or rather I sat on a stall and danced with my upper body) until 4am. Then we went for yummy hawker food before passing out until the next morning.
When I eventually got back to KL last night I lay in my bath bubble bath, my body was aching soooo bad and my throat was very tender and voice grainy, and then had thorough enjoyment at poking my massive blister (yup there was 1 at about 17K onwards but it wasn’t too much of a hindrance) with a needle (it was lovely and juicy!) and finally, fell into a deep dreamless sleep at 8.30pm despite the offer of a well cooked meal at a friend’s place.
This morning I woke to slightly less pain (or perhaps I’ve just got use to everywhere feeling bruised) an extremely sore throat, a chesty feeling, looking “stoned” (according to Bombies who told me this over lunch ) and pure “ergh”. It was 6.30am. Time for work! YAY! (not).
But my God was it worth it. I’d do it all again in an instant! Except… I think I need just a teeny, weeny bit more rest. So I’m off to sleep, with my lem-sip and hot water bottle – I’m running a temperature now… but at least my body is lying on a comfy bed wrapped in luscious sheets and cuddling a teddy bear.
Until the marathon… I salute myself! Good night!
Distance: 21.2km Half Marathon
Where: Singapore Island
Time: 2 hours 28 minutes and 35 seconds
Position: 538th out of 3,044 women
Pain Factor: Most excruciating body pain yet (ranking higher than Mount Kinabalu epidemic)
Enjoyment Factor: positively 10/10
Would I do it again: Yes 100% BRING ON THE FULL MARATHON!
In the early hours of Sunday 7th December I woke from a restless 5 hour sleep to sound of my alarm belting out in my ear at the ungodly hour of 04.45am. I jumped out of bed and into the shower to try and wake myself up from my half awake/ half asleep/ semi dream/ coma. Recklessly shaking H to “get up, lazy bum”, gulped down a banana and 500ml of water and headed out into the blackness, bumping into thousands of zombies all dressed very similarly to myself. I was nervous but excited all the same, this is THE big day I had been working towards since before I knew it. I thought back to February when I thought running for 6 minutes was an achievement… those days were long gone.
As we made our way to the start line I moaned to H that I needed to pee… again… for the millionth time. I really don’t drink much fluid so the last few days were really taken its toll on my poor weak bladder, so we queued for the porta-loo with what seemed like 49,999 other racers. Eventually I got my good luck hug and I headed for the start line. I was stumped at about 150 metres short! But I was there, nevertheless.
The total number of people competing in the Full marathon, half marathon and 10K was 50,000 compared to the first race in 2002 which had a measly 2,665 competitors – crazy!
The music was pumping over the speakers, my adrenalin was high and the final minute countdown began I focused my energy, switched on my I pod, took a deep breath and begun.
The first 5K was a breeze, I concentrated on running at my all time slowest, but was surprised when I got to 5K and had already been running for well over 45 minutes, I really needed to up my pace if I wanted to make my 2.5 hour target. I was thankful I had taken the Imodium before the race, it certainly worked (and I wasn’t constipated afterwards) but all that water played havoc with my bladder! As I resisted the temptation to stop and take a pee (Paula Radcliff style) it eventually evaporated into seemingly salty sweat – nice! As I speeded up over the bridge I heard my name being called and H waving from the side line, I gave him a smile and a wave for the camera and continued on. The race went smoothly with no real comments at this time to make. But as I reached 12K I started to feel the pressure. I noticed a guy had been running very close to me for about 1km. Eventually I pulled out one side of my headphone and asked if he was pacesetting himself against me. He sheepishly smiled and said yes and I told him to at least be polite and introduce himself then! We exchanged names, shook hands and kept in line with each other for about 6K. I’ve never ran with anyone before. At first I felt kinda awkward but eventually it felt really comfortable having someone weave in and out through the slower runners and help keep my pace. When we passed water stations we nodded to one another agreeing whether to pause or not and every now and then he passed me some Energy gel, which I declined but was appreciative of. At our last water stop I quickly asked him what his target time was, he said 3 hours and I suddenly thought to myself, I might be helping him but he is a hindrance to my speed. As he continued to fall behind me (despite my gau ya’s! And lei lei’s!) he told me to go on without him (was comical, like something out of a movie “Forget about me! Save yourself la!” We laughed and I went off ahead. Each man for them self in a race I guess. In a selfish way I’m glad running isn’t a team effort, I honestly think it was the first time in my life I’ve ever felt “fuck it” – I dumped him and headed on alone.
By this point I’d hit the last few K and I was struggling, I pulled over for the first time and stopped for about a minute, stretching out the unbelievable cramp up the backs of my legs and retching up bile on the side of the road. I quickly downed some 100 Plus, grunted, spat and picked up my speed again, passing people from the start who had flown by me and were now limping and catching up with the comfortable, steady runners. The supporters began to grow and thankfully I saw outstretched hands full of deep heat. I swiped at them with my sweaty palms and smeared the paste all over my kness and hamstrings and ran simultaneously (I’m talented I know) – note to self, do not rub sweat out of your eye when you have just rubbed deep heat into your leg – it burns!!!
The last K I nearly, oh SO nearly fell into a walk, the pain was absolutely unbelievable, I cannot express in words. Pure pure agony. But I had promised myself that whatever happened I would not walk. WOULD NOT dammit! I nearly shed a tear but once again I pushed myself back into the sprint. I never and I mean NEVER fail myself. At 500 metres I looked down at my watch, I had 4 minutes left if I wanted to get there in under my target time so I bolted like a rocket and ran down the 100 metres to the speakers playing Michael Jackson’s “Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough” – perfect!
As I crossed the finish line I did a double jump in the air with pure ecstasy and also to ensure my Championchip (hooked to my trainer)registered my time and then gasped heavily half a dozen times. As I leant forward I had to steady myself and then literally limped to the finishers tent to collect my medal. It was over, I did it. But I couldn’t smile, I was concentrating on not dying until AFTER I picked up my medal.
Shortly after H appeared out of nowhere giving me a massive hug I was soaked to the bone and I stood there in my sports bra and pro runners smiling with exhausted glee as he snapped my photo with my big fat chunky medal. He was so, so proud of me and I was even more so of myself, it was an awesome feeling.
As I downed another bottle of water and another bottle of 100 plus I hobbled back to the hotel for some well earned rest, a hot shower and then met H and a friend for brunch which was a carb fest! Later I passed out for a well deserved power nap and then we partied (or rather I sat on a stall and danced with my upper body) until 4am. Then we went for yummy hawker food before passing out until the next morning.
When I eventually got back to KL last night I lay in my bath bubble bath, my body was aching soooo bad and my throat was very tender and voice grainy, and then had thorough enjoyment at poking my massive blister (yup there was 1 at about 17K onwards but it wasn’t too much of a hindrance) with a needle (it was lovely and juicy!) and finally, fell into a deep dreamless sleep at 8.30pm despite the offer of a well cooked meal at a friend’s place.
This morning I woke to slightly less pain (or perhaps I’ve just got use to everywhere feeling bruised) an extremely sore throat, a chesty feeling, looking “stoned” (according to Bombies who told me this over lunch ) and pure “ergh”. It was 6.30am. Time for work! YAY! (not).
But my God was it worth it. I’d do it all again in an instant! Except… I think I need just a teeny, weeny bit more rest. So I’m off to sleep, with my lem-sip and hot water bottle – I’m running a temperature now… but at least my body is lying on a comfy bed wrapped in luscious sheets and cuddling a teddy bear.
Until the marathon… I salute myself! Good night!
Friday, December 5, 2008
Slide (not the playground type)
There was a landslide outside my apartment building last night at about 5.30. Neighbour called to tell me, as I drove back at about 8pm the road was majorly jammed, in fact, I couldn't access my apartment as lots of people had parked on the side to get out and take a look. According to the news the traffic jam was over 3km long!
Luckily I heard on the radio and read in the paper this morning, no one was injured or killed, although I think 17 cars were completely buried and destroyed in the car park it collapsed onto.
They were clearing away the debris until the early hours, I went to bed at about midnight and I could still see/ hear them working. This morning the place was still a bit of a mess. Lots of office workers standing about watching.
To imagine, the slide came from only 15 metres high, the debris after the collapse of the world trade centre twin towers really is unimaginable. Even though I saw that on TV, seeing just a small landslide really puts thing into perspective.
I think I need to move!
Thursday, December 4, 2008
2 days, 6 hrs, 18 mins & 2 secs to go...
Wow, I can't believe it... only 3 more sleeps until I take on the Singapore Half Marathon. I'm shocked at how quickly it has come around! Where has the year gone?
I have been training a lot, but if I'm honest with myself, I could have pushed myself substantially further. It sounds like such a lame excuse but I just haven't had the time lately to fit any more training into my weeks.
I usually work out 2-3 times per week (either cardio or weights) and trying to do a long run every Saturday - I only managed to fit 4 in over the last two months). The last couple of weeks I have been so preoccupied, I hope that my training and the power of inner strength (the mind) can pull me through.
I'm really super excited (bring it on!) although nervous at the same time, this will be my biggest physical challenge yet (although comparable to climbing Mount Kinabalu which was, in a nutshell, horrific!) at least this time I'll be in my comfy Adi-Zero's which are like the dream running shoe. SO comfy... but ha, we shall see on the day, they have only ever run about 15K! Please don't let me down pretty shoes! hehe.
I'm flying to Singapore on Saturday morning, although I wish I was taking the bus, logically I would be getting more rest as less waiting around at airports etc, but never mind. Once I arrive I will check into the hotel and then go and register for the race. Which reminds me, I need to check my blood type group in case of emergency - eek!
I am meeting H in the late afternoon, he is coming to Singapore from HK especially to cheer me on and party after together. I can't wait to see him, it's been about 6 months and despite the fact that we email each other nearly everyday I feel like we have a whole lot to catch up on.
H is going to see a clairvoyant whilst there who was recommended to him by our mutual friend. He asked me if I wanted to go but I have chosen not to, as intrigued as I am about what the future holds for me, I believe that life is all about the unpredictable and a daily test of our personality (strengths and weaknesses) to see how we will handle it. So I have said no, despite an overwhelming temptation, I must not. I believe as well that if someone imprints a thought into your mind, even if you forget about it, it is always there, hovering behind another thought and I feel will ultimately have an effect on a decision that you make. Does that make sense?
Although, perhaps I should just pop my head in and ask if the spirits foresee me completing the half marathon in one piece - hehe just kidding.
Last training session tonight, think of me at 06.30am on Sunday morning!
Boleh! Boleh!
I have been training a lot, but if I'm honest with myself, I could have pushed myself substantially further. It sounds like such a lame excuse but I just haven't had the time lately to fit any more training into my weeks.
I usually work out 2-3 times per week (either cardio or weights) and trying to do a long run every Saturday - I only managed to fit 4 in over the last two months). The last couple of weeks I have been so preoccupied, I hope that my training and the power of inner strength (the mind) can pull me through.
I'm really super excited (bring it on!) although nervous at the same time, this will be my biggest physical challenge yet (although comparable to climbing Mount Kinabalu which was, in a nutshell, horrific!) at least this time I'll be in my comfy Adi-Zero's which are like the dream running shoe. SO comfy... but ha, we shall see on the day, they have only ever run about 15K! Please don't let me down pretty shoes! hehe.
I'm flying to Singapore on Saturday morning, although I wish I was taking the bus, logically I would be getting more rest as less waiting around at airports etc, but never mind. Once I arrive I will check into the hotel and then go and register for the race. Which reminds me, I need to check my blood type group in case of emergency - eek!
I am meeting H in the late afternoon, he is coming to Singapore from HK especially to cheer me on and party after together. I can't wait to see him, it's been about 6 months and despite the fact that we email each other nearly everyday I feel like we have a whole lot to catch up on.
H is going to see a clairvoyant whilst there who was recommended to him by our mutual friend. He asked me if I wanted to go but I have chosen not to, as intrigued as I am about what the future holds for me, I believe that life is all about the unpredictable and a daily test of our personality (strengths and weaknesses) to see how we will handle it. So I have said no, despite an overwhelming temptation, I must not. I believe as well that if someone imprints a thought into your mind, even if you forget about it, it is always there, hovering behind another thought and I feel will ultimately have an effect on a decision that you make. Does that make sense?
Although, perhaps I should just pop my head in and ask if the spirits foresee me completing the half marathon in one piece - hehe just kidding.
Last training session tonight, think of me at 06.30am on Sunday morning!
Boleh! Boleh!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Mixed Messages
I got the strangest compliment from my Managing Director over the phone from the UK. What would you make of this:
(FACT) "Well I read her report on her KL visit and I have to say, I was expecting her to be spending most of the time training you, but it seems it was the other way round!"
Hilarious. So in a nutshell she was saying:
(My Interpretation) "Well, we were all under the impression that you were doing a pretty shit job out there. But in actual fact, perhaps you're doing much better than we give you credit for!"
I'm really not sure whether this is a complimentive ego boost or another knock back (in that, the UK office, my MD included, have absolutely no faith in my capabilities).
I'll take it as constructive criticism and leave it at that. Strangest and most faintest praise I ever received.
(FACT) "Well I read her report on her KL visit and I have to say, I was expecting her to be spending most of the time training you, but it seems it was the other way round!"
Hilarious. So in a nutshell she was saying:
(My Interpretation) "Well, we were all under the impression that you were doing a pretty shit job out there. But in actual fact, perhaps you're doing much better than we give you credit for!"
I'm really not sure whether this is a complimentive ego boost or another knock back (in that, the UK office, my MD included, have absolutely no faith in my capabilities).
I'll take it as constructive criticism and leave it at that. Strangest and most faintest praise I ever received.
Rub salt in my wounds... please!
I just went to get my contraceptive pill. As if it's not depressing enough that I'm not getting laid, but I have to pay MYR 8.90 per pack to be reminded of that.
That's just plain mean.
That's just plain mean.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
What You Are, To Me...
A ray of sunshine on an otherwise cloudy day
The smell of freshly cut grass after the rain
Phosphorous twinkling all around me in the midnight sea
The sound of singing to a beautiful melody
A monologue on an empty stage
My favourite song on an old scratched CD
The taste of coffee on a mundane morning
The temptation of ice cream over frozen yogurt
A glass of wine in a hot steamy bubble bath
A photograph lost then found
A phone call from a friend on a lonely evening
A book that you just can't put down
A sneaky cigarette between my fingers
Making love under white sheets
A smile that is just for me
A big bear hug when I'm feeling blue
A little card that says i love you
A wink that is between you and I
Knowing that you have made somebody proud
Being there for a good friend when they are down
Crying to someone who understands your sorrow
Watching an old black and white movie
Reminiscing over childhood memories
Admitting that you don't mind a bit of jazz
Wearing painful shoes so your legs look just-that-little-bit better
Applying make up for a special night out
Looking in the mirror and feeling pretty
Driving my car at full speed down the highway
Dancing all night long
Prancing about in a little sundress
Walking out of the salon with new bouncy hair
Singing in my shower and not caring who hears
Running until I no longer feel the pain
That's what you are to me.
The smell of freshly cut grass after the rain
Phosphorous twinkling all around me in the midnight sea
The sound of singing to a beautiful melody
A monologue on an empty stage
My favourite song on an old scratched CD
The taste of coffee on a mundane morning
The temptation of ice cream over frozen yogurt
A glass of wine in a hot steamy bubble bath
A photograph lost then found
A phone call from a friend on a lonely evening
A book that you just can't put down
A sneaky cigarette between my fingers
Making love under white sheets
A smile that is just for me
A big bear hug when I'm feeling blue
A little card that says i love you
A wink that is between you and I
Knowing that you have made somebody proud
Being there for a good friend when they are down
Crying to someone who understands your sorrow
Watching an old black and white movie
Reminiscing over childhood memories
Admitting that you don't mind a bit of jazz
Wearing painful shoes so your legs look just-that-little-bit better
Applying make up for a special night out
Looking in the mirror and feeling pretty
Driving my car at full speed down the highway
Dancing all night long
Prancing about in a little sundress
Walking out of the salon with new bouncy hair
Singing in my shower and not caring who hears
Running until I no longer feel the pain
That's what you are to me.
Shut Your Trap
I feel like my mouth has been raped.
Well that was the last appointment for 2008, next one will be 2009 by which point I'll be about 1/3+ a way through.
Today the orthodontist got right in there with his high pitched squealing drill (bbrr makes my hairs stand on end and my toes curl) and filed away some more of my teeth, as he went for the gap in the middle I literally begged (with hands in a prayer like fashion) for him not to make too much of a gap. He was very gentle with me, I think he finds it funny how uptight I get over a 1mm gap when my whole mouth is invaded with titanium, plastic and what not.
But it was ok la, just a very slight gap. Feels so tight with the new titanium wire on, he only adjusted the top this time, not the bottom. It's amazing really, every time they tighten the brace, my mouth seems to take a new form, my front teeth are practically touching! :) I'm quite pleased that I've got titanium on both rows of teeth now as the white had started to chip off and I always thought it looked kinda weird with the bottom half titanium and top white.
Gosh, my heart is still beating like a little mouse, I really do tense up in that place. And that stupid hygienist, gargh! She winds me up the most with her "Apply lip balm" every time she puts balm on my lips she says in this whiney voice "appppply lip baaaaalm". It's like, yes love, I know what it is now FUCK OFF. Sorry, it's just the way she says it. Annoys me.
All in all, another successful appointment. Every time it makes me more and more happy I chose to finally do this. Wish they'd hire a new hygienist though.
Well that was the last appointment for 2008, next one will be 2009 by which point I'll be about 1/3+ a way through.
Today the orthodontist got right in there with his high pitched squealing drill (bbrr makes my hairs stand on end and my toes curl) and filed away some more of my teeth, as he went for the gap in the middle I literally begged (with hands in a prayer like fashion) for him not to make too much of a gap. He was very gentle with me, I think he finds it funny how uptight I get over a 1mm gap when my whole mouth is invaded with titanium, plastic and what not.
But it was ok la, just a very slight gap. Feels so tight with the new titanium wire on, he only adjusted the top this time, not the bottom. It's amazing really, every time they tighten the brace, my mouth seems to take a new form, my front teeth are practically touching! :) I'm quite pleased that I've got titanium on both rows of teeth now as the white had started to chip off and I always thought it looked kinda weird with the bottom half titanium and top white.
Gosh, my heart is still beating like a little mouse, I really do tense up in that place. And that stupid hygienist, gargh! She winds me up the most with her "Apply lip balm" every time she puts balm on my lips she says in this whiney voice "appppply lip baaaaalm". It's like, yes love, I know what it is now FUCK OFF. Sorry, it's just the way she says it. Annoys me.
All in all, another successful appointment. Every time it makes me more and more happy I chose to finally do this. Wish they'd hire a new hygienist though.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Pens are for writing. Food is for eating.
Why do people chew pens? It's grose!
I've been at my colleague's desk today as I need to cover her work for three days and keep an eye on the new girl (who btw, drives me bonkers).
I was sitting here mulling over how to reply an email when suddenly I was like eeeuuuwh what's that smell? I'd been holding the pen in my hand, resting my elbow on the desk and tapping it against my chin(as you do) and I looked at it and saw it was all munched on and yucky and, to top it off smelly! Euuuuwwwwhhhh.
Well that's the last time I tap a pen anywhere near my face. I feel like I may have caught a disease.
I've now picked up all the pens and pencil's from my office and brought them over here to this desk.
Yikes, what if she licks the keyboard as well...?
I've been at my colleague's desk today as I need to cover her work for three days and keep an eye on the new girl (who btw, drives me bonkers).
I was sitting here mulling over how to reply an email when suddenly I was like eeeuuuwh what's that smell? I'd been holding the pen in my hand, resting my elbow on the desk and tapping it against my chin(as you do) and I looked at it and saw it was all munched on and yucky and, to top it off smelly! Euuuuwwwwhhhh.
Well that's the last time I tap a pen anywhere near my face. I feel like I may have caught a disease.
I've now picked up all the pens and pencil's from my office and brought them over here to this desk.
Yikes, what if she licks the keyboard as well...?
Crazy Catz
Oh. My. Gosh. I had the most horrific dream last night! I was dreaming that I was climbing Mount Kinabalu (as you do) and suddenly this evil cat appeared and pounced at my face with his claws out!
In self defense I swung my arm out to block my face. As I did so, I inadvertently punched myself in the nose! As I woke in the darkness, I saw something flying across my bed which (in my dreamy state) I thought was the cat (but was actually a cushion) and I swung out to hit it again and somehow hit myself AGAIN and caused a nose bleed!!!
I'm laughing hysterically at myself now but at 4.30 this morning it was anything BUT funny! I was completely traumatised.
I'm definitely not buying a cat.
In self defense I swung my arm out to block my face. As I did so, I inadvertently punched myself in the nose! As I woke in the darkness, I saw something flying across my bed which (in my dreamy state) I thought was the cat (but was actually a cushion) and I swung out to hit it again and somehow hit myself AGAIN and caused a nose bleed!!!
I'm laughing hysterically at myself now but at 4.30 this morning it was anything BUT funny! I was completely traumatised.
I'm definitely not buying a cat.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Workin' 9-5 (what a way to make a livin')
Buggerations. I'd been keeping a blog the good old fashioned way (quill and ink)whilst on holiday in Krabi last week and wanted to type it up whilst I have some free time this afternoon. However, I'm sitting in Delicious and just had a rather tasty salad and my note book is somewhere in my apartment.
Well in a nutshell, it seems that the holiday was just what I needed to put everything into perspective (love life not included in the "everything" nutshell!).
I am finally admitting to myself that my job is not for me. Whilst it has served a purpose and given me the opportunity to experience a wonderful life changing few years, i feel it's time to move on.
I have never slept so much in my life, finally, i was relaxed and literally at every opportunity i passed out - on the beach, in the hotel room, on a boat, in the bus, on the plane, even in bars! Poor BD, I clearly was no company for her! But it proved to me that I'm physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. It's time to get out.
Whilst I say I'm "stressed" and probably overuse that term somewhat, I realise that I do tend to generate my own stress. Taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture, although my job is "stressful" I doubt I help the situation. I know the job isn't right for me, I've always known that, but it's been everything around it that I've loved.
The reason I haven't given up is because I don't like to fail at anything I do. And for a year + I have been going back and forth deliberating should I stay or should i go? Knowing full well I should go. So i have decided that I am going to leave, but it's just deciding when. And I realise that choosing to leave isn't failing - i have tried my hardest to make it work.
If I complete my contract (Dec 2009) I gain the following:
- I will have served my contract in full (so for future employment I can explain that my contract ended rather than I left)
- I get a MYR 30,000 bonus.
- My flight back to the UK will be paid for (should I wish to return)
- Repatriation of my personal belongings
- I get to stay in Malaysia for one more full year
If I leave before (I need to give minimum 3 months notice)
- There is a chance I will have to leave Malaysia for good
- None of the above points apply
Really, the repat points above don't matter as I wish to stay here but I have to consider them in my options. The trouble is getting a visa in Malaysia is hard in the areas that I want to work in (i.e NOT insurance!) so, I know I need to take everything slowly and think long and hard before handing in my resignation.
It's so funny to think that I hated Malaysia when I moved here and now it feels more like home than any other place in the world.
BD and I made a list of all the things I would consider when it comes to employment, they are the following:
- Travel
- Non office based (or mixture of out and in)
- people facing
- no maths or excel!
- Children
- Media/ entertainment/ PR
- counseling
- theatre/ radio
- production and broadcasting
- writing
- project work (i.e under developed country)
- creative team
- TEFL
- fitness and health
- Make up (stage)
So where do I go from here? I guess I need to look at jobs where I can use one or more of these interests and apply accordingly - sounds so easy doesn't it? Well... that's my 2009 project. For now, I'm just gonna ride out the end of 2008 and see what the New Year brings.
Well in a nutshell, it seems that the holiday was just what I needed to put everything into perspective (love life not included in the "everything" nutshell!).
I am finally admitting to myself that my job is not for me. Whilst it has served a purpose and given me the opportunity to experience a wonderful life changing few years, i feel it's time to move on.
I have never slept so much in my life, finally, i was relaxed and literally at every opportunity i passed out - on the beach, in the hotel room, on a boat, in the bus, on the plane, even in bars! Poor BD, I clearly was no company for her! But it proved to me that I'm physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. It's time to get out.
Whilst I say I'm "stressed" and probably overuse that term somewhat, I realise that I do tend to generate my own stress. Taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture, although my job is "stressful" I doubt I help the situation. I know the job isn't right for me, I've always known that, but it's been everything around it that I've loved.
The reason I haven't given up is because I don't like to fail at anything I do. And for a year + I have been going back and forth deliberating should I stay or should i go? Knowing full well I should go. So i have decided that I am going to leave, but it's just deciding when. And I realise that choosing to leave isn't failing - i have tried my hardest to make it work.
If I complete my contract (Dec 2009) I gain the following:
- I will have served my contract in full (so for future employment I can explain that my contract ended rather than I left)
- I get a MYR 30,000 bonus.
- My flight back to the UK will be paid for (should I wish to return)
- Repatriation of my personal belongings
- I get to stay in Malaysia for one more full year
If I leave before (I need to give minimum 3 months notice)
- There is a chance I will have to leave Malaysia for good
- None of the above points apply
Really, the repat points above don't matter as I wish to stay here but I have to consider them in my options. The trouble is getting a visa in Malaysia is hard in the areas that I want to work in (i.e NOT insurance!) so, I know I need to take everything slowly and think long and hard before handing in my resignation.
It's so funny to think that I hated Malaysia when I moved here and now it feels more like home than any other place in the world.
BD and I made a list of all the things I would consider when it comes to employment, they are the following:
- Travel
- Non office based (or mixture of out and in)
- people facing
- no maths or excel!
- Children
- Media/ entertainment/ PR
- counseling
- theatre/ radio
- production and broadcasting
- writing
- project work (i.e under developed country)
- creative team
- TEFL
- fitness and health
- Make up (stage)
So where do I go from here? I guess I need to look at jobs where I can use one or more of these interests and apply accordingly - sounds so easy doesn't it? Well... that's my 2009 project. For now, I'm just gonna ride out the end of 2008 and see what the New Year brings.
The Break Up Hangover
Gargh! Everywhere I look there are frickin buses. Buses, buses, buses. But none of them are stopping at the destination I want!
Last night we went to one of Blank’s events, I nearly lost it. It is so obvious that I am still in love (yes, I said it) with him.
The moment I saw him I just melted, I don’t know what it is, but it tears me up inside. It seemed every time I looked up I caught him looking at me and suddenly he would divert away making me feel like the one who was looking for him.
Every now and then we seemed to bump into each other, make small talk etc and I carried on with my night, dancing a ridiculous amount with Bombies, picking up new gay friends and bumping into friends that I didn’t even know were there. It was a really good atmosphere and good fun.
Later on in the evening a guy approached me at the bar and asked if I worked out at Fitness First, transpires that “when you work out a lot, you notice the regulars” (I’m a regular! Ha!). Anyway this guy and I (I have no idea what his name was I THINK I remember but it was so loud I couldn’t quite grasp it, let’s just call him GYM2 guy) got chatting and he seemed really nice. We kept bumping into each other and passing exchanges of cheeky comments. I hope I see him at the gym sometime soon. What is it about the gym? I mean dam, I look rough as anything when I work out. If a guy can like you when you’re all hot and sweaty then heck, I feel flattered. But then maybe that’s it – the hot and sweatiness! Well, whatever turns you on :P
Later on the club got raided (HOW under 18’s school discoesque?) and Blanks came over to our group, he plonked himself next to me and we got chatting. He put his arm around me, giggled with me over some stupid crap, and we shared a cigarette (no I haven’t started smoking again, just a social few) our heads were about an inch apart, I swear, there was a moment where I was THAT CLOSE to kissing him but I just had to stop myself, it would have been a bad idea, plus the fact that he would have probably been like “Um, hello? Can you kindly remove yourself from my lips please? Thank you.” Anyway, I told him I could do with a friendly face because of the shit going on at work and said let’s get coffee next week. As we all left an hour or so later, he told me to call him.
Earlier in the evening I confessed to Bombies that I was still “in that place” and it’s killing me. As the tears welled up Bombies yelled “OOOOoooh no you don’t. No, no, no” Haha, made me laugh and it worked too, I sucked them back in. It felt good to talk to someone, even if it was just for a few seconds about how I feel.
I just find it so bizarre that I’m so hung up on him.I know I’m over the initial shit but it’s this lingering around period I’m not enjoying at all. Don’t get me wrong it’s not occupying my mind 24/7 but it’s definitely something that is there like a little piece of torn skin on the roof of your mouth – if I could just stop tonguing it, it would probably heal.
I mentioned it to my sister on the phone earlier and she said well, perhaps that’s because you’re growing up and your feelings for someone now in comparison to a relationship you may have had a year ago are magnified and more intense. You can say that again.
They say that in order to get over one guy you need to start dating another. Although I don’t want to get over him (I personally wish I was under him right now) I’ve gotta do something, I can’t keep going on like this. Harboring feelings for someone that doesn’t want me, it just hurts too much. Plus, I feel like a complete and utter loser! It’s not to say that I wouldn’t mind dating NEW guy, GYM guy or GYM2 guy it’s just… they’re not him.
Maybe if HE could just do the following then MAYBE I could get over it:
1) Not look at me when he thinks I’m not looking at him
2) Get a bad hair cut or have his eye brows shaved off
3) Wear awful clothes
4) Put weight on and grow man boobs
5) Be really obtuse and horrible and not speak in English
6) Move country
Is that so much to ask?
Last night we went to one of Blank’s events, I nearly lost it. It is so obvious that I am still in love (yes, I said it) with him.
The moment I saw him I just melted, I don’t know what it is, but it tears me up inside. It seemed every time I looked up I caught him looking at me and suddenly he would divert away making me feel like the one who was looking for him.
Every now and then we seemed to bump into each other, make small talk etc and I carried on with my night, dancing a ridiculous amount with Bombies, picking up new gay friends and bumping into friends that I didn’t even know were there. It was a really good atmosphere and good fun.
Later on in the evening a guy approached me at the bar and asked if I worked out at Fitness First, transpires that “when you work out a lot, you notice the regulars” (I’m a regular! Ha!). Anyway this guy and I (I have no idea what his name was I THINK I remember but it was so loud I couldn’t quite grasp it, let’s just call him GYM2 guy) got chatting and he seemed really nice. We kept bumping into each other and passing exchanges of cheeky comments. I hope I see him at the gym sometime soon. What is it about the gym? I mean dam, I look rough as anything when I work out. If a guy can like you when you’re all hot and sweaty then heck, I feel flattered. But then maybe that’s it – the hot and sweatiness! Well, whatever turns you on :P
Later on the club got raided (HOW under 18’s school discoesque?) and Blanks came over to our group, he plonked himself next to me and we got chatting. He put his arm around me, giggled with me over some stupid crap, and we shared a cigarette (no I haven’t started smoking again, just a social few) our heads were about an inch apart, I swear, there was a moment where I was THAT CLOSE to kissing him but I just had to stop myself, it would have been a bad idea, plus the fact that he would have probably been like “Um, hello? Can you kindly remove yourself from my lips please? Thank you.” Anyway, I told him I could do with a friendly face because of the shit going on at work and said let’s get coffee next week. As we all left an hour or so later, he told me to call him.
Earlier in the evening I confessed to Bombies that I was still “in that place” and it’s killing me. As the tears welled up Bombies yelled “OOOOoooh no you don’t. No, no, no” Haha, made me laugh and it worked too, I sucked them back in. It felt good to talk to someone, even if it was just for a few seconds about how I feel.
I just find it so bizarre that I’m so hung up on him.I know I’m over the initial shit but it’s this lingering around period I’m not enjoying at all. Don’t get me wrong it’s not occupying my mind 24/7 but it’s definitely something that is there like a little piece of torn skin on the roof of your mouth – if I could just stop tonguing it, it would probably heal.
I mentioned it to my sister on the phone earlier and she said well, perhaps that’s because you’re growing up and your feelings for someone now in comparison to a relationship you may have had a year ago are magnified and more intense. You can say that again.
They say that in order to get over one guy you need to start dating another. Although I don’t want to get over him (I personally wish I was under him right now) I’ve gotta do something, I can’t keep going on like this. Harboring feelings for someone that doesn’t want me, it just hurts too much. Plus, I feel like a complete and utter loser! It’s not to say that I wouldn’t mind dating NEW guy, GYM guy or GYM2 guy it’s just… they’re not him.
Maybe if HE could just do the following then MAYBE I could get over it:
1) Not look at me when he thinks I’m not looking at him
2) Get a bad hair cut or have his eye brows shaved off
3) Wear awful clothes
4) Put weight on and grow man boobs
5) Be really obtuse and horrible and not speak in English
6) Move country
Is that so much to ask?
Friday, November 28, 2008
Men Are Like Buses
Men are like buses. You wait FOREVER for one and then two come along at once.
I'm perturbed. Despite that Blanks is still hovering about in my blocked out thoughts, I have had my eye on a NEW guy who I have taken quite a shine to.
Of course, me being me, I have done absolutely nothing about it, as, believe it or not I am DEAD SHY when it comes to dating. I know what you're thinking, yeah right, but it's true - I'm useless! I moan and moan that I want a man but would never in my dreams actually ask someone out!
So anyway, just as I was slowly making my move in my own unique way on NEW guy I get a text from one of the trainers at the gym saying, GYM guy was just here and was asking for your number - gargh! *BLUSH* I've had my eye on this GYM guy for ages, I actually thought he was pretty cute a while back and chat to him quite a lot. I kinda sensed that maybe he was out my league (totally hot) and so didn't pursue it (I love how i say didn't pursue it - exactly how would I have pursued him if I had intended to anyway???) and then low and behold, I get sent his number from one of my friends.
So now I'm like hhmm what to do. Because I was quite intent on trying to develop the relationship with the NEW guy but now GYM guy has shown an interest I'm inclined to pursue that too.
Hhhmm.
What to do? I really, really had my mind set on NEW guy... he's funny. I like funny. But I'd be a fool to turn down a date with GYM guy when NEW guy hasn't even shown any real sign of interest other than a few jokey exchanges in email and a couple of group outings.
I really like NEW guy the most if I'm honest... but seeing as there is not a chicken's chance in Thailand that I will make a move on him, that leaves GYM guy who has already shown an IOI (indicator of interest).
Can I date both?
I'm perturbed. Despite that Blanks is still hovering about in my blocked out thoughts, I have had my eye on a NEW guy who I have taken quite a shine to.
Of course, me being me, I have done absolutely nothing about it, as, believe it or not I am DEAD SHY when it comes to dating. I know what you're thinking, yeah right, but it's true - I'm useless! I moan and moan that I want a man but would never in my dreams actually ask someone out!
So anyway, just as I was slowly making my move in my own unique way on NEW guy I get a text from one of the trainers at the gym saying, GYM guy was just here and was asking for your number - gargh! *BLUSH* I've had my eye on this GYM guy for ages, I actually thought he was pretty cute a while back and chat to him quite a lot. I kinda sensed that maybe he was out my league (totally hot) and so didn't pursue it (I love how i say didn't pursue it - exactly how would I have pursued him if I had intended to anyway???) and then low and behold, I get sent his number from one of my friends.
So now I'm like hhmm what to do. Because I was quite intent on trying to develop the relationship with the NEW guy but now GYM guy has shown an interest I'm inclined to pursue that too.
Hhhmm.
What to do? I really, really had my mind set on NEW guy... he's funny. I like funny. But I'd be a fool to turn down a date with GYM guy when NEW guy hasn't even shown any real sign of interest other than a few jokey exchanges in email and a couple of group outings.
I really like NEW guy the most if I'm honest... but seeing as there is not a chicken's chance in Thailand that I will make a move on him, that leaves GYM guy who has already shown an IOI (indicator of interest).
Can I date both?
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Furthermore...
Further to the below, I think when I have relaxed a bit on my holiday I may try and list what it is exactly that is stressing me out so much about my work and try and organise my thoughts and concerns. It's all well and good moaning about something but that's not actually going to make it any better. Yes Bubs, good idea, you do that. :P
I'm "stressed"
It's so great having ButDunc (BD) here with me. BD loves just being a lazy bum, so eating and mooching works well with her :) and that's pretty much all we've done so far - tonight we'll go for Steamboat to really over indulge - I told her to wear "baggy pants" haha.
Strangely enough, I feel much more aware of my "stressed" persona. Only during/ after work yesterday. BD commented last night that perhaps I was a little bit more stressed than I let on to people and as I lay in bed last night I realised that I do do a good job of putting it aside. It's not until someone specifically points out your "flaws" or whatever is going on that you may realise that your speculation is true. But doesn't everyone get stressed? Is everyone THIS stressed but just hides it? I'm not sure, I wonder...
Although saying that, I'm never one to not comment that I'm stressed, I know I do, I yell, moan, scream, but I guess I do it in a jokey way. I think a lot of people comment about a true feeling in a silly manner as they want to let people know how they feel but without raising too much alarm/ making themselves vulnerable etc.
Well I work out, which disperses most of it, and by the time I see my friends in the evening I tend to shut down from work thoughts. At the weekends, if I'm not doing some work, I again, avoid talking about it so as to discourage it's existence. Do other people do the same? I imagine so. Everyone has their own coping mechanism for every problem. Our Medical Advisor (the one who's Husband hanged himself) was at work, the morning of his funeral, now that to me is just wrong, but, seemingly it's the only way she can cope right now.
Shit, how can I moan about my life being stressful when someone I know has just had their Husband kill themself? aiyo...
(paused)
well, in my own world I guess this is my biggest problem - oh that and probably having no job and having to move back to the uk next year - snigger snigger (see there I go again, making a joke out of something that I am genuinely concerned about - I hate how I can break down my own defense mechanism, it's shocking!)
Having BD here, not "watching" me but definitely glancing, taking care, I notice that she spots how edgy I am at work, but she isn't offended by my "Gargh!ness" only slightly concerned it seems.
Today I just feel like my head is going to explode, trying to prioritise my work seems impossible as every client believes that their case should be the priority - and it should be, in an ideal world.
Sigh.... I gotta get on... I just thought blogging might help a bit but now I just feel like I wasted ten mins of my day.
- note, unsure why I put a lot of words in "inverted commas" today.
Strangely enough, I feel much more aware of my "stressed" persona. Only during/ after work yesterday. BD commented last night that perhaps I was a little bit more stressed than I let on to people and as I lay in bed last night I realised that I do do a good job of putting it aside. It's not until someone specifically points out your "flaws" or whatever is going on that you may realise that your speculation is true. But doesn't everyone get stressed? Is everyone THIS stressed but just hides it? I'm not sure, I wonder...
Although saying that, I'm never one to not comment that I'm stressed, I know I do, I yell, moan, scream, but I guess I do it in a jokey way. I think a lot of people comment about a true feeling in a silly manner as they want to let people know how they feel but without raising too much alarm/ making themselves vulnerable etc.
Well I work out, which disperses most of it, and by the time I see my friends in the evening I tend to shut down from work thoughts. At the weekends, if I'm not doing some work, I again, avoid talking about it so as to discourage it's existence. Do other people do the same? I imagine so. Everyone has their own coping mechanism for every problem. Our Medical Advisor (the one who's Husband hanged himself) was at work, the morning of his funeral, now that to me is just wrong, but, seemingly it's the only way she can cope right now.
Shit, how can I moan about my life being stressful when someone I know has just had their Husband kill themself? aiyo...
(paused)
well, in my own world I guess this is my biggest problem - oh that and probably having no job and having to move back to the uk next year - snigger snigger (see there I go again, making a joke out of something that I am genuinely concerned about - I hate how I can break down my own defense mechanism, it's shocking!)
Having BD here, not "watching" me but definitely glancing, taking care, I notice that she spots how edgy I am at work, but she isn't offended by my "Gargh!ness" only slightly concerned it seems.
Today I just feel like my head is going to explode, trying to prioritise my work seems impossible as every client believes that their case should be the priority - and it should be, in an ideal world.
Sigh.... I gotta get on... I just thought blogging might help a bit but now I just feel like I wasted ten mins of my day.
- note, unsure why I put a lot of words in "inverted commas" today.
Monday, November 17, 2008
By Your Side ~ Sade
You think i'd leave your side baby
You know me better than that
You think i'd leave you down when you're down on your knees
I wouldn't do that
I'll tell you you're right when you want
And if only you could see into me
Oh when you're cold
I'll be there
Hold you tight to me
When you're on the outside baby and you can`t get in
I will show you you're so much better than you know
When you're lost and you're alone and you can't get back again
I will find you darling and i will bring you home
And if you want to cry
I am here to dry your eyes
And in no time
You'll be fine
You think i'd leave your side baby
You know me better than that
You think I'd leave you down when you're down on your knees
I wouldn't do that
I'll tell you you're right when you want
And if only you could see into me
Oh when you're cold
I'll be there
Hold you tight to me
When you're low
I'll be there
By your side baby
Oh when you're cold
I'll be there
Hold you tight to me
Oh when you're low
I'll be there
By your side baby
You know me better than that
You think i'd leave you down when you're down on your knees
I wouldn't do that
I'll tell you you're right when you want
And if only you could see into me
Oh when you're cold
I'll be there
Hold you tight to me
When you're on the outside baby and you can`t get in
I will show you you're so much better than you know
When you're lost and you're alone and you can't get back again
I will find you darling and i will bring you home
And if you want to cry
I am here to dry your eyes
And in no time
You'll be fine
You think i'd leave your side baby
You know me better than that
You think I'd leave you down when you're down on your knees
I wouldn't do that
I'll tell you you're right when you want
And if only you could see into me
Oh when you're cold
I'll be there
Hold you tight to me
When you're low
I'll be there
By your side baby
Oh when you're cold
I'll be there
Hold you tight to me
Oh when you're low
I'll be there
By your side baby
Friday, November 14, 2008
Brace Yourself Update!
Just a quick one, next week I will have been sporting my delightful braces for 3 months - I now have less than a year to go! Waho - 11 months to be exact.
Please see below for self explanatory progress report (it runs back to front because the silly uploader thingy is playing up and I don't have time to faff around with it):
Pic 1) Month 3
Pic 2) Month 2
Pic 3) Month 1
Pic 4) Before
.jpg)
Please see below for self explanatory progress report (it runs back to front because the silly uploader thingy is playing up and I don't have time to faff around with it):
Pic 1) Month 3
Pic 2) Month 2
Pic 3) Month 1
Pic 4) Before
.jpg)
Fun At The Circus
I was emailing H first thing this morning, telling him what I'd been up to lately.
Work has been really demanding and I am currently going through a "OMG I hate my job" phase (it comes and goes every month or so, lasts about a week etc, no big deal).
One of the reasons I find it hard is because I find it difficult to switch off. Even when I met Bombies for lunch yesterday I found myself very distracted and hard to concentrate on the conversation just because thoughts were whizzing through my mind of what I need to do or how I am going to do something.
Last night I needed to get out of the office quick smart to beat the traffic as I only have limited days in which I can train as my recovery after a big run is about 2days. I knew if I didn't run tonight I would miss out on a session, thus delaying my progress.
As I left the office I was really stressed as I hadn't done half the things I wanted to. But as soon as I was running, I forgot all about it. One of the reasons why I love running so much is that it completely clears my mind. No matter how exhausted I am (mentally or physically) running completely rejuvenates my mind, body and soul. I sleep like a baby pretty much every night because of it. It is my only stress relief at the moment (Tell me again why I quit smoking? Gargh!)
I spent three hours at the gym last night, I ran for an hour and a half (my knees really hurt today, despite the fact that I sat with ice on them afterwards, am taking cod liver oil and anti inflammatory) and then after a short break trained with my PT for over an hour on upper body and abs. To say I ache is an understatement.
He weighed me in at 56K AGAIN - why can't I get down to my target of 54K?? He said it's because I refuse to compromise my diet - it's true. I'd rather be 2K over my target weight and eat whatever the hell I want than be at my target but deprive myself of lattes, pizza, ben & jerrys, magi mee, laksa.. oh the list goes on. I explained to my PT, you know, my body isn't designed this way. I am supposed to be FAT. This is not my "natural" shape. He told me I should thank God for that, I was like eh? Why? He was a bit inconsiderate giving me the "fat" gene. He said I should thank Him for giving me the motivation to work out so hard. I said no, I thank my company for paying me enough that I can afford YOU to motivate me!! haha.
Anyway, what I'm really blogging about is how hard it is to make time in our lives for everything we want.
Last month I had to juggle:
work, sport, love, social
Now I am just juggling:
work, sport, social
But once I start working at the radio I will have to juggle:
work, sport, hobby, social
But I also would like 2009 to include
work, sport, hobby, social and love
My question is this - if I managed to fit work, sport, social and love in my life before, how is it that I am struggling with just work, sport and social now? And now I want to add hobby - it should equate to that of my lifestyle last month - yet I see it impossible that I will be able to balance so much.
Is it possible that ten years from now I could have work, sport, hobby, social, love and CHILDREN?? hahaha - impossible! Surely!
So my point is this. Hu. I actually don't think I have a point. But I think what I'm saying is that everybody adjusts themselves to fit the life style they truly desire-if you want to have a fulfilled life you just HAVE to make it work.
No matter how stressed I get trying to balance everything I am a person who needs to be continuously occupied. My MD in the UK has a motto: "Stress is good". I use to hate it when she said it but I realised that I actually perform better as a person under pressure/ demand/ time constraint/ target. Well, sometimes. Therefore, I will take on the impossible.
Because, all work and no play makes Jack a very dull boy.
It also makes Bubs a very dull girl.
Work has been really demanding and I am currently going through a "OMG I hate my job" phase (it comes and goes every month or so, lasts about a week etc, no big deal).
One of the reasons I find it hard is because I find it difficult to switch off. Even when I met Bombies for lunch yesterday I found myself very distracted and hard to concentrate on the conversation just because thoughts were whizzing through my mind of what I need to do or how I am going to do something.
Last night I needed to get out of the office quick smart to beat the traffic as I only have limited days in which I can train as my recovery after a big run is about 2days. I knew if I didn't run tonight I would miss out on a session, thus delaying my progress.
As I left the office I was really stressed as I hadn't done half the things I wanted to. But as soon as I was running, I forgot all about it. One of the reasons why I love running so much is that it completely clears my mind. No matter how exhausted I am (mentally or physically) running completely rejuvenates my mind, body and soul. I sleep like a baby pretty much every night because of it. It is my only stress relief at the moment (Tell me again why I quit smoking? Gargh!)
I spent three hours at the gym last night, I ran for an hour and a half (my knees really hurt today, despite the fact that I sat with ice on them afterwards, am taking cod liver oil and anti inflammatory) and then after a short break trained with my PT for over an hour on upper body and abs. To say I ache is an understatement.
He weighed me in at 56K AGAIN - why can't I get down to my target of 54K?? He said it's because I refuse to compromise my diet - it's true. I'd rather be 2K over my target weight and eat whatever the hell I want than be at my target but deprive myself of lattes, pizza, ben & jerrys, magi mee, laksa.. oh the list goes on. I explained to my PT, you know, my body isn't designed this way. I am supposed to be FAT. This is not my "natural" shape. He told me I should thank God for that, I was like eh? Why? He was a bit inconsiderate giving me the "fat" gene. He said I should thank Him for giving me the motivation to work out so hard. I said no, I thank my company for paying me enough that I can afford YOU to motivate me!! haha.
Anyway, what I'm really blogging about is how hard it is to make time in our lives for everything we want.
Last month I had to juggle:
work, sport, love, social
Now I am just juggling:
work, sport, social
But once I start working at the radio I will have to juggle:
work, sport, hobby, social
But I also would like 2009 to include
work, sport, hobby, social and love
My question is this - if I managed to fit work, sport, social and love in my life before, how is it that I am struggling with just work, sport and social now? And now I want to add hobby - it should equate to that of my lifestyle last month - yet I see it impossible that I will be able to balance so much.
Is it possible that ten years from now I could have work, sport, hobby, social, love and CHILDREN?? hahaha - impossible! Surely!
So my point is this. Hu. I actually don't think I have a point. But I think what I'm saying is that everybody adjusts themselves to fit the life style they truly desire-if you want to have a fulfilled life you just HAVE to make it work.
No matter how stressed I get trying to balance everything I am a person who needs to be continuously occupied. My MD in the UK has a motto: "Stress is good". I use to hate it when she said it but I realised that I actually perform better as a person under pressure/ demand/ time constraint/ target. Well, sometimes. Therefore, I will take on the impossible.
Because, all work and no play makes Jack a very dull boy.
It also makes Bubs a very dull girl.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
DJ Bubs
I'm feeling edgy, suspicious, uncomfortable... too many things are going well these days. I know what you're thinking already, so shut up and keep your thoughts to yourself!
I just got a call from BFM, I went for an interview there months back but to no avail. They said they'd keep me in mind for a future project but my English accent was a hindarence for broadcasting.
Now, they say they have a project for me - An English Tourist in Malaysia! Haha! They want me to do a weekly show, where I get out and about in Klang Valley, experiencing "touristy" stuff. Make it a bit slap-stick, take a recorder with me and give commentry, talk to the locals - sounds fun! I'm game!
I've told them I'll brainstorm and get back to them - finally, I get to be back on air - one of my favourite places in the world - haha. I guess there ARE benefits to my accent after all!
But why now? Why suddenly are all these wonderful things happening to me? Is it just that the pendulum has swung to the other side or is it that finally, someone wants me to have some good in my life? Or, am I giving off such a positive energy that good things are coming my way? OR: SHOULD I JUST ACCEPT WHATS GOING ON AND STOP OVER ANALYSING???
Whatever it is, I am thankful. It's about time! Thank you Thank you x 1,000.
And so, it begins.
I just got a call from BFM, I went for an interview there months back but to no avail. They said they'd keep me in mind for a future project but my English accent was a hindarence for broadcasting.
Now, they say they have a project for me - An English Tourist in Malaysia! Haha! They want me to do a weekly show, where I get out and about in Klang Valley, experiencing "touristy" stuff. Make it a bit slap-stick, take a recorder with me and give commentry, talk to the locals - sounds fun! I'm game!
I've told them I'll brainstorm and get back to them - finally, I get to be back on air - one of my favourite places in the world - haha. I guess there ARE benefits to my accent after all!
But why now? Why suddenly are all these wonderful things happening to me? Is it just that the pendulum has swung to the other side or is it that finally, someone wants me to have some good in my life? Or, am I giving off such a positive energy that good things are coming my way? OR: SHOULD I JUST ACCEPT WHATS GOING ON AND STOP OVER ANALYSING???
Whatever it is, I am thankful. It's about time! Thank you Thank you x 1,000.
And so, it begins.
Quick Question
How is it, that you spend weeks getting over someone, you finally get "closure" and then the next day, they say something that has you questioning everything all over again?
(Rolling my eyes and laughing! My life is one big drama!)
(Rolling my eyes and laughing! My life is one big drama!)
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
God Works In Mysterious Ways
My oh my, He really does.
So, my blog below describes how I had a feeling on Sunday evening that I wanted to see Blanks. But I didn't do anything about it and then that night, I dreamt about it.
Then my dream, became a reality.
Last night I was lying on my sofa after a really hard core training session, and was literally just thinking about Blanks and lo and behold, I receive a text: "Hei, how are you? Would you like to join me for coffee?"
I freaked out, again. These "coincidences" just keep happening. What on Earth is going on here? After an initial ARGH panic, I decided to say sure. There are no games anymore, and I really wanted to see him.
I went into town (deliberately arriving a little late - OK, OK so there are always SOME games) and there he was sitting there...
I walked up to him and gave him a kiss of the cheek which was reciprocated and we sat for a good couple of hours, just catching up, laughing, talking a little about "us" and what we had been up to etc. I told him about my experience with God and I was very aware that my face was beaming, he was so happy for me and managed to find the right word for my feeling I've had lately "invincible".
I said to him that although we didn't work out I was thankful that he led me to where I am now. He told me how he had been thinking about me a lot, I told him about the freaky asking him/ him asking me for coffee. Then we agreed, actually it's not so freaky, this sort of thing seems to happen to me all the time lately - I think I just need to embrace it!
After we got chucked out of the restaurant (was pretty late by this point) we walked towards our cars, we passed Blanks and I asked him if he was going to get in, he sort of stumbled and realised that he didn't need to walk me to mine.
He drew me in for a hug goodbye and we talked about meeting up again. It was a genuine, heartfelt feeling, from the both of us.
I walked away, with a smile in my eyes, I finally have closure. And there is only one person I can thank for that.
So, my blog below describes how I had a feeling on Sunday evening that I wanted to see Blanks. But I didn't do anything about it and then that night, I dreamt about it.
Then my dream, became a reality.
Last night I was lying on my sofa after a really hard core training session, and was literally just thinking about Blanks and lo and behold, I receive a text: "Hei, how are you? Would you like to join me for coffee?"
I freaked out, again. These "coincidences" just keep happening. What on Earth is going on here? After an initial ARGH panic, I decided to say sure. There are no games anymore, and I really wanted to see him.
I went into town (deliberately arriving a little late - OK, OK so there are always SOME games) and there he was sitting there...
I walked up to him and gave him a kiss of the cheek which was reciprocated and we sat for a good couple of hours, just catching up, laughing, talking a little about "us" and what we had been up to etc. I told him about my experience with God and I was very aware that my face was beaming, he was so happy for me and managed to find the right word for my feeling I've had lately "invincible".
I said to him that although we didn't work out I was thankful that he led me to where I am now. He told me how he had been thinking about me a lot, I told him about the freaky asking him/ him asking me for coffee. Then we agreed, actually it's not so freaky, this sort of thing seems to happen to me all the time lately - I think I just need to embrace it!
After we got chucked out of the restaurant (was pretty late by this point) we walked towards our cars, we passed Blanks and I asked him if he was going to get in, he sort of stumbled and realised that he didn't need to walk me to mine.
He drew me in for a hug goodbye and we talked about meeting up again. It was a genuine, heartfelt feeling, from the both of us.
I walked away, with a smile in my eyes, I finally have closure. And there is only one person I can thank for that.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Dreams V Reality
Last night I read something that made me laugh and I wanted to text Blanks and tell him as I knew he would laugh too. I wanted to suggest coffee sometime soon. I thought and acted otherwise, but a part of me thought it wouldn't have been so bad if I had of done.
I woke up this morning after having dreamed of exactly what I wanted to text him, except, we had been in a bar and I'd told him about the funny thing and I was right, he did laugh, a lot. And I was smiling.
Thing is, a dream is called a 'dream' for a reason. It's not always going to work out the same way in reality.
I woke up this morning after having dreamed of exactly what I wanted to text him, except, we had been in a bar and I'd told him about the funny thing and I was right, he did laugh, a lot. And I was smiling.
Thing is, a dream is called a 'dream' for a reason. It's not always going to work out the same way in reality.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Note Bene
Can I please just add (er, yes you can, this is your own blog you doughnut) that despite my aggravated/ narky blog below, I am still on my super duper high. Even when I was talking with Snakkis today, I could just feel myself glowing as I spoke.
Since last week I have felt so much relief inside me, I feel, almost untouchable - is that possible? I mean, I still feel the same way about situations around me, I am still the same person, I am still wearing excessive amounts of blusher. But I feel like I have this inner strengh/ glow that wasn't there before. I feel protected. I can't explain it in words. I wish I could. It's just... I FEEL different.
Life really has done a 180. Or is it a 360? I was never really good at maths.
Since last week I have felt so much relief inside me, I feel, almost untouchable - is that possible? I mean, I still feel the same way about situations around me, I am still the same person, I am still wearing excessive amounts of blusher. But I feel like I have this inner strengh/ glow that wasn't there before. I feel protected. I can't explain it in words. I wish I could. It's just... I FEEL different.
Life really has done a 180. Or is it a 360? I was never really good at maths.
Flippent Friends
OMG I'm so frickin annoyed! Gargh! After a really ace weekend which included the following:
- Dinner with Manc (even though it was with "expat wives" ergh!)
- Recovering from my major lau sai issues (although, now back to being constipated)
- Eating shit loads of food all day long on Saturday with Bombies, Mr and Miss J
- Evening service at Church
- Running 15K straight! Yes! I bloody well did it! Took me 1 hour 32 mins (No pang sai issues)
- Brunch with Snakkis at TGI Fridays - yum!
- Shopping and succesfully spending money I don't have (your average weekend it would seem)
- Managing to clean my entire apartment (Still didn't tackle my balcony though)
- Buying the well needed 'pole' from Evil Ikea (and buying two other uneccessary items)
- Evening coffee in Starbucks and doing a little work in preperation of my week ahead (training the new girl which I'm not paricularily looking forward to)
The one thing that didn't go to schedule was that Panda had msn'd me in the week suggesting she came over to mine today to laze by the pool in the arvo. I told her sure and to call me. To test the waters, I left the ball in her court and awaited her call. As I left the Pavilion at around 2.30 the rain was pouring down - no sunbathing for us. But I wondered to myself... would she still call?
Of course not. This is unreliable Panda we are talking about.
In a last attempt to see my "friend" who in the last month, I have seen 3 times, I text her the following: "hei missy, thought u wanted to hang out today? :P anyway, I'll be in Starbucks at The Curve shortly if u wanna grab coffee with me" the reply? "Heya :) it was raining lar. Having dinner. might pop by 2 say hi"
WTF????? How hard is it to text and say, hey! It's raining, shall we go for coffee instead? Sorry, but I've really had a feekin 'nough of this. I think I have come to learn, that Panda is not the sort of friend I can ever rely on. She seems to be what I call "single serving" - use once then throw away (she throwing away me, that is). I just find it unbelievable the amount of time and love I put into that friendship and then bam, she can become like this.
Friendship is just like any other relationship - like a marriage - you go through good times and bad times but if you want it to remain you have to contribute effort into it, if you want to remain friends.
Perhaps I shouldn't be so bitter, perhaps I should think about that saying "some friends are for a reason, some for a season and some for a life time" and get over it. Clearly she was a friend for a season... I know in my head my friends all over the world who are there for not just a reason, but a life time too.
Still pissed off though, but, I'm gonna use it as a learning curve. I just hate that I have to "use" this as a learning curve though. I know I fall into friendships too easily, but that's just me and I am going to get repeatedly hurt throughout my life because, it seems I have had several "learning curves" in my life and I'm only 25!! Perhaps I'll actually "learn" from this one!
On another matter, I just got an email from my ex-boyfriend from the UK. So he is in Singapore and I suggested we meet up when I'm over there for the Marathon next month. So he replies and is up for it. Oh, and casually throws in that he is getting married on the 13th. UM HELLO??? What is up with the universe? How is it that EVERYONE is getting married and I am STILL single?? I do say that in gest, but, I do wonder if I should get that kitten I've been on about... Spinsterism seems just around the corner. hehehe :)
- Dinner with Manc (even though it was with "expat wives" ergh!)
- Recovering from my major lau sai issues (although, now back to being constipated)
- Eating shit loads of food all day long on Saturday with Bombies, Mr and Miss J
- Evening service at Church
- Running 15K straight! Yes! I bloody well did it! Took me 1 hour 32 mins (No pang sai issues)
- Brunch with Snakkis at TGI Fridays - yum!
- Shopping and succesfully spending money I don't have (your average weekend it would seem)
- Managing to clean my entire apartment (Still didn't tackle my balcony though)
- Buying the well needed 'pole' from Evil Ikea (and buying two other uneccessary items)
- Evening coffee in Starbucks and doing a little work in preperation of my week ahead (training the new girl which I'm not paricularily looking forward to)
The one thing that didn't go to schedule was that Panda had msn'd me in the week suggesting she came over to mine today to laze by the pool in the arvo. I told her sure and to call me. To test the waters, I left the ball in her court and awaited her call. As I left the Pavilion at around 2.30 the rain was pouring down - no sunbathing for us. But I wondered to myself... would she still call?
Of course not. This is unreliable Panda we are talking about.
In a last attempt to see my "friend" who in the last month, I have seen 3 times, I text her the following: "hei missy, thought u wanted to hang out today? :P anyway, I'll be in Starbucks at The Curve shortly if u wanna grab coffee with me" the reply? "Heya :) it was raining lar. Having dinner. might pop by 2 say hi"
WTF????? How hard is it to text and say, hey! It's raining, shall we go for coffee instead? Sorry, but I've really had a feekin 'nough of this. I think I have come to learn, that Panda is not the sort of friend I can ever rely on. She seems to be what I call "single serving" - use once then throw away (she throwing away me, that is). I just find it unbelievable the amount of time and love I put into that friendship and then bam, she can become like this.
Friendship is just like any other relationship - like a marriage - you go through good times and bad times but if you want it to remain you have to contribute effort into it, if you want to remain friends.
Perhaps I shouldn't be so bitter, perhaps I should think about that saying "some friends are for a reason, some for a season and some for a life time" and get over it. Clearly she was a friend for a season... I know in my head my friends all over the world who are there for not just a reason, but a life time too.
Still pissed off though, but, I'm gonna use it as a learning curve. I just hate that I have to "use" this as a learning curve though. I know I fall into friendships too easily, but that's just me and I am going to get repeatedly hurt throughout my life because, it seems I have had several "learning curves" in my life and I'm only 25!! Perhaps I'll actually "learn" from this one!
On another matter, I just got an email from my ex-boyfriend from the UK. So he is in Singapore and I suggested we meet up when I'm over there for the Marathon next month. So he replies and is up for it. Oh, and casually throws in that he is getting married on the 13th. UM HELLO??? What is up with the universe? How is it that EVERYONE is getting married and I am STILL single?? I do say that in gest, but, I do wonder if I should get that kitten I've been on about... Spinsterism seems just around the corner. hehehe :)
Friday, November 7, 2008
Pang Sai Problems
I luuurve our UK Medical Advisor for WR. I emailed him yesterday about my "pang sai when running" problem as he is a marathon runner too. He said it's very common and some runners even carry tissue with them - lol!
Then he gave me the perfect solution - 1 hour before the run, take Imodium. Why on earth didn't I think of this before?? He said many pro runners do it before a long distant race and that it will give me a temporary fix until the run is over. Fab, that solves that problem then!
Look how sweet he was with all my questions and wonderingments...
Me...
My training went OK on Saturday but I had to stop and take a break after about 12 K as I got really bad stomach pain and had to go to the toilet. Sorry to be graphic! That seems to happen every now and then - is that normal? I hope it doesn't happen on the day (otherwise I'll have to do a Paula Radcliff!)
Also three questions:1) I sometimes get pins and needles in my foot after about 30-40 mins, only way to get rid of it is to stop. Why does this happen how can you avoid it?2) Why does my right hip constantly ache after a long training session?3) what is good to take for weak joints - ankle and knees hurt! cod liver oil?Will update you again next week! only 4 weeks to go argh!
His Reply:
Perfectly normal to have to ‘rush to the bushes’ – loads of runners take toilet paper with them ! Should settle as you get more long distance fitness, can try taking X1 immodium (loperamide before a long run)
1)Pins and needles means pressure on a nerve.. Any tight spots on your running shoes ? Back pain ? In general if it goes away don’t worry – have you tried running through it ?
2)Because it is unused to prolonged exercise – remember you are re-training your whole body here and it will take time. Run on grass when possible. Are your running shoes good – should be changed every 12 months (I never have though !!) If it persists you should get some professional advice.
3)Your joints aren’t weak !!! You are just giving them a battering...not surprising they ache. Cod liver oil, glucosamine fine but aches should go away as your endurance increases and your body gets used to the new demands you are placing on it !
Just keeping doing it – 12k is amazing achievement !
On the contrary I seem to have more and more problems with my day to day digestion since I quit smoking. Things aren't.. how to say ah...? So I took Senekot last night to get things "moving"- OMG never again, I was half an hour late to work this morning because I couldn't get off the darn toilet! Haha!
Oh the trials and tribulations of my day to day living!
Then he gave me the perfect solution - 1 hour before the run, take Imodium. Why on earth didn't I think of this before?? He said many pro runners do it before a long distant race and that it will give me a temporary fix until the run is over. Fab, that solves that problem then!
Look how sweet he was with all my questions and wonderingments...
Me...
My training went OK on Saturday but I had to stop and take a break after about 12 K as I got really bad stomach pain and had to go to the toilet. Sorry to be graphic! That seems to happen every now and then - is that normal? I hope it doesn't happen on the day (otherwise I'll have to do a Paula Radcliff!)
Also three questions:1) I sometimes get pins and needles in my foot after about 30-40 mins, only way to get rid of it is to stop. Why does this happen how can you avoid it?2) Why does my right hip constantly ache after a long training session?3) what is good to take for weak joints - ankle and knees hurt! cod liver oil?Will update you again next week! only 4 weeks to go argh!
His Reply:
Perfectly normal to have to ‘rush to the bushes’ – loads of runners take toilet paper with them ! Should settle as you get more long distance fitness, can try taking X1 immodium (loperamide before a long run)
1)Pins and needles means pressure on a nerve.. Any tight spots on your running shoes ? Back pain ? In general if it goes away don’t worry – have you tried running through it ?
2)Because it is unused to prolonged exercise – remember you are re-training your whole body here and it will take time. Run on grass when possible. Are your running shoes good – should be changed every 12 months (I never have though !!) If it persists you should get some professional advice.
3)Your joints aren’t weak !!! You are just giving them a battering...not surprising they ache. Cod liver oil, glucosamine fine but aches should go away as your endurance increases and your body gets used to the new demands you are placing on it !
Just keeping doing it – 12k is amazing achievement !
On the contrary I seem to have more and more problems with my day to day digestion since I quit smoking. Things aren't.. how to say ah...? So I took Senekot last night to get things "moving"- OMG never again, I was half an hour late to work this morning because I couldn't get off the darn toilet! Haha!
Oh the trials and tribulations of my day to day living!
Dirty Smirks
In an ideal world my alter ego would say this:
Don't try to intimidate me, you will not suceed
You may think you are getting to me, but in the end, I will come out on top
Don't think that you can come here and push me aside
I am the Queen on my throne and this is my territory
Don't think that people like you, they don't, they are playing the same game you are
You do not have the upper hand, despite the fact that you think you do
Don't think that I am powerless or naive - when it comes to business I am not
I know what you are up to and I have my eye on you all the time
Don't think that you are the one in control here, I can be just as manipulative as you
I may smile sweetly at you but it's as bitter as the look in your eye
You are getting under my skin but I will not let you beat me
I know where I stand and from my eyes you are so far below me I can't even see you
In reality I'd probably say this...
You big fat poo head. Go wash that wax out of your hair and shave off your beard. Pfht!
Don't try to intimidate me, you will not suceed
You may think you are getting to me, but in the end, I will come out on top
Don't think that you can come here and push me aside
I am the Queen on my throne and this is my territory
Don't think that people like you, they don't, they are playing the same game you are
You do not have the upper hand, despite the fact that you think you do
Don't think that I am powerless or naive - when it comes to business I am not
I know what you are up to and I have my eye on you all the time
Don't think that you are the one in control here, I can be just as manipulative as you
I may smile sweetly at you but it's as bitter as the look in your eye
You are getting under my skin but I will not let you beat me
I know where I stand and from my eyes you are so far below me I can't even see you
In reality I'd probably say this...
You big fat poo head. Go wash that wax out of your hair and shave off your beard. Pfht!
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Tell Someone Special That You Love Them Today
What an evening/ morning.
Yesterday I got a call from my Boss in HK advising me that my colleague's Husband had passed away and that she would be on leave until further notice. As if that wasn't bad enough, I then received a call at around midnight from my management in the UK, not only is a death tragic, it is so much worse when you find that they took their own life, by hanging them self.
The news greatly shocked me and before I had a chance to tell my colleague in the HK office who I think of as a little sister, she phones me - she was on the way to work and read about it in the South China Morning Post. Dam tabloids, how can they report such information before even close family and friends may know of such a tragedy?
I tried to console my little sis but she was very shaken up, I then came to the office and broke the news to my team. Even though they didn't know our colleague's Husband (I myself have met him on several occasions) they were all deeply shocked. I neglected to tell them how he killed himself, seems just too much information. I told them to go and phone their loved one's and let them know how much they love them.
I hear that my colleague of the deceased seems to be in shock. Understandably. Her husband passed away at 15.00 (HK time) and she called the UK office late in the eve our time and was 'working' from home to distract herself, apparently she was very matter of fact about it all. I feel so terrible for her and her two children left behind who are under the age of ten. Top that off of course with the fact that she got made redundant last week with the HK office closing and all, what a mess.
Last night I prayed for her and her Husband and her Children, that's all we can do, isn't it?
It really does put into perspective how small our own problems are...
http://www.thestandard.com.hk/news_detail.asp?pp_cat=11&art_id=73953&sid=21331074&con_type=3&d_str=20081106
http://www.scmp.com/portal/site/SCMP/menuitem.2c913216495213d5df646910cba0a0a0/?vgnextoid=98bca8259fc6d110VgnVCM100000360a0a0aRCRD&vgnextfmt=teaser&ss=Hong+Kong&s=News
Yesterday I got a call from my Boss in HK advising me that my colleague's Husband had passed away and that she would be on leave until further notice. As if that wasn't bad enough, I then received a call at around midnight from my management in the UK, not only is a death tragic, it is so much worse when you find that they took their own life, by hanging them self.
The news greatly shocked me and before I had a chance to tell my colleague in the HK office who I think of as a little sister, she phones me - she was on the way to work and read about it in the South China Morning Post. Dam tabloids, how can they report such information before even close family and friends may know of such a tragedy?
I tried to console my little sis but she was very shaken up, I then came to the office and broke the news to my team. Even though they didn't know our colleague's Husband (I myself have met him on several occasions) they were all deeply shocked. I neglected to tell them how he killed himself, seems just too much information. I told them to go and phone their loved one's and let them know how much they love them.
I hear that my colleague of the deceased seems to be in shock. Understandably. Her husband passed away at 15.00 (HK time) and she called the UK office late in the eve our time and was 'working' from home to distract herself, apparently she was very matter of fact about it all. I feel so terrible for her and her two children left behind who are under the age of ten. Top that off of course with the fact that she got made redundant last week with the HK office closing and all, what a mess.
Last night I prayed for her and her Husband and her Children, that's all we can do, isn't it?
It really does put into perspective how small our own problems are...
http://www.thestandard.com.hk/news_detail.asp?pp_cat=11&art_id=73953&sid=21331074&con_type=3&d_str=20081106
http://www.scmp.com/portal/site/SCMP/menuitem.2c913216495213d5df646910cba0a0a0/?vgnextoid=98bca8259fc6d110VgnVCM100000360a0a0aRCRD&vgnextfmt=teaser&ss=Hong+Kong&s=News
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Should've Been In Love
- I love that I'm still feeling on top of the world, I love that I have this feeling of calm within me, I love that my perspective has gone from glass half empty, to glass half full, I love that my face feels smiley again, I love that my frown lines are fading, I love, love, love this feeling. I love that I feel like myself again... it's been such a long time... thank you.
- This song just started playing on my I Tunes, I don't think I've ever heard it before... the tune is so simple, one man and his guitar. You might read the lyrics and listen to the song and think hu? This song is depressing, but it's not at all, well, it depends how you look at it, doesn't it? It made me smile, it makes so much sense to me... :)
You been dealing with all of these feelings
Like they got you believing they have no meaning,
But they do
Your life's been stinking, your heart's been sinking,
And you're too busy thinking to stop
You blink and you're blue
Should've been in love
Should've been in love
Your mind's been racing, your heart's been chasing,
And you might as well face it, time's wasting,
It's true
Your life's been stinking, your heart's been shrinking,
And you're too busy thinking to stop
You blink and you're blue
Should've been in love
Should've been in love
I know how it goes, So I just had to let you know I know
My life's been stinking, my heart's been shrinking,
And I'm too busy thinking to stopI blink and you're gone
Should've been in love
We should've been in love
We should've been in love
~Wilco~
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
A "White" Christmas?
I think I'm going to have to create a label called 'Starbucks' seeing as I seem to blog about it all the time. I didn't have my morning coffee as I had a scheduled meeting, by the time it finished at gone 11, I didn't really fancy it as lunch was soon.
On my way back from the KLCC after taking a healthy lunch, one of the girls who works at my local called out to me and asked me to come over and I joked with her and the team over how silly it was that they have all their Christmas "specials" on sale already - special drinks, festive puddings and christmassy merchandise.
She laughed with me and said; "well we don't celebrate Christmas but we know you must do", she then followed to explain that they had decided they wanted to give me an early Christmas present and presented me with this mini ceramic ornament - it was a Starbucks Christmas mug that you can hang on your tree! Awh, how adorable, and they had signed a little card for me too! Too cute! I was really chuffed.
I've been in discussion with many of my friends here as to whether or not I get treated differently because I'm a "gweilo" - e.g the staff at Starbucks give me free coffee every now and then/ the taxi driver charges me triple the price (it works both ways) but I really feel like the young guys and gals who work there seem to genuinely enjoy talking to me each day, just for 10 mins, because of who I am, because I ask how their day is, what they have been up to and they can tease me over the muffins I never buy and the minuscule amount of Caramel I have in my latte as a "treat" - not because I am white. I hope this is not me being naive, I hope that my innocent perspective is correct. They shouldn't feel privileged that I talk to them, they are human beings, I speak no differently to them as to how I would speak to any "White" person. Or to be more specific, people that I like.
If I like you, if I feel you are genuine, then I will talk to you, if I feel you are just asking me questions out of pure nosiness or to make conversation to mask an awkward silence then I'd rather there be the awkward silence. At least then no one needs to bother. And everyone knows where they stand.
In fact I seldom see "colour" or "race" these days - just yesterday I was giving a friend advice in her new job and said something about "Asians" being a little quiet in the working environment, but once you settle in it will be OK. Granted, I was giving my perspective on "Asians" as a whole, but to my shock, I suddenly remembered my friend IS Asian! Haha. So, you get my point?
Anyway, I'm really tired. I need coffee. Merry Christmas!! Ho. Ho. Ho.
On my way back from the KLCC after taking a healthy lunch, one of the girls who works at my local called out to me and asked me to come over and I joked with her and the team over how silly it was that they have all their Christmas "specials" on sale already - special drinks, festive puddings and christmassy merchandise.
She laughed with me and said; "well we don't celebrate Christmas but we know you must do", she then followed to explain that they had decided they wanted to give me an early Christmas present and presented me with this mini ceramic ornament - it was a Starbucks Christmas mug that you can hang on your tree! Awh, how adorable, and they had signed a little card for me too! Too cute! I was really chuffed.
I've been in discussion with many of my friends here as to whether or not I get treated differently because I'm a "gweilo" - e.g the staff at Starbucks give me free coffee every now and then/ the taxi driver charges me triple the price (it works both ways) but I really feel like the young guys and gals who work there seem to genuinely enjoy talking to me each day, just for 10 mins, because of who I am, because I ask how their day is, what they have been up to and they can tease me over the muffins I never buy and the minuscule amount of Caramel I have in my latte as a "treat" - not because I am white. I hope this is not me being naive, I hope that my innocent perspective is correct. They shouldn't feel privileged that I talk to them, they are human beings, I speak no differently to them as to how I would speak to any "White" person. Or to be more specific, people that I like.
If I like you, if I feel you are genuine, then I will talk to you, if I feel you are just asking me questions out of pure nosiness or to make conversation to mask an awkward silence then I'd rather there be the awkward silence. At least then no one needs to bother. And everyone knows where they stand.
In fact I seldom see "colour" or "race" these days - just yesterday I was giving a friend advice in her new job and said something about "Asians" being a little quiet in the working environment, but once you settle in it will be OK. Granted, I was giving my perspective on "Asians" as a whole, but to my shock, I suddenly remembered my friend IS Asian! Haha. So, you get my point?
Anyway, I'm really tired. I need coffee. Merry Christmas!! Ho. Ho. Ho.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
FACT: Eating Jaffa Cakes Will Not Help You Complete A Half Marathon. But They Do Taste Good.
(written last night, but too tired to upload)
Thought it was about time I blogged about my Marathon training too, as I sit here this evening, in my joggers, watching SATC (I’m now on season 4) and eating my way through a pack of Jaffa Cakes. Yum!
Last week the team at the gym kindly informed me that they had signed me up for 30K Great Eastern run in January, cheers guys! But I’m still trying to come to terms with my half marathon which is in T -5 weeks – SHIT.
I was very well behaved yesterday and got up at stupid O’clock and made my way down to the Lake Gardens. It was freekin hot and I was glad I put sun screen on. Same old faces from when I use to train were there nodding reassuringly, waving a hand etc. Was nice.
After 4 laps (about 10K) my tummy was cramping and I had to go pang sai in the public toilet which wasn’t enjoyable in my sweaty state but I went, none the less, and paid 20c for the privilege! Was glad I had paper in my car – haha.
I went out again and managed another lap and a half and eventually gave up , the stomach pain was really bad. I was disappointed but at least I’d given it a go. Next weekend I’m going to try 15K again. Fingers crossed I’ll pull it off!
- As I upload this, I wonder if it's necessary to blog about bowel movements.
Thought it was about time I blogged about my Marathon training too, as I sit here this evening, in my joggers, watching SATC (I’m now on season 4) and eating my way through a pack of Jaffa Cakes. Yum!
Last week the team at the gym kindly informed me that they had signed me up for 30K Great Eastern run in January, cheers guys! But I’m still trying to come to terms with my half marathon which is in T -5 weeks – SHIT.
I was very well behaved yesterday and got up at stupid O’clock and made my way down to the Lake Gardens. It was freekin hot and I was glad I put sun screen on. Same old faces from when I use to train were there nodding reassuringly, waving a hand etc. Was nice.
After 4 laps (about 10K) my tummy was cramping and I had to go pang sai in the public toilet which wasn’t enjoyable in my sweaty state but I went, none the less, and paid 20c for the privilege! Was glad I had paper in my car – haha.
I went out again and managed another lap and a half and eventually gave up , the stomach pain was really bad. I was disappointed but at least I’d given it a go. Next weekend I’m going to try 15K again. Fingers crossed I’ll pull it off!
- As I upload this, I wonder if it's necessary to blog about bowel movements.
“For whoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved” Romans 10:13
Today was awesome, awesome, AWESOME! I am actually skipping about, rather than walking. I feel like one chapter has finished and another one has started!
Well, today I got reconfirmed at the SIB Church and it was by no means pre planned. I just planned to go with Bombies and Mr J and just enjoy another service, take more in and try and understand more about this Christianity Business.
Towards the end of the service, the Pastor asked people to raise their hand if they would like to join or be accepted back into the Christian Faith. As I sat, there with my head bowed, I thought back to the first time I went to a service months ago when we went to watch a play by SK’s Church. The Pastor there had asked the same question and I’d stood there, hand in hand with Blanks holding onto him so, so tightly and him squeezing my hand right back, I wanted to say "me" but I was petrified, for some reason.
But today was totally different, as the congregation was asked to raise their hand, I felt this sudden hot flush all over my chest and face and before I knew it my hand was raised the air and the Pastor acknowledged me. It was this crazy moment, where I felt like the decision was made for me, there was no thinking through, no decision making, no logical reasoning, it was like my body said yes and not my head. I guess it was my heart actually. I was surprised myself!
So as the service drew to an end one of the Leaders asked me if I would like to be reconfirmed at the alter, I looked at Bombies for some sort of reassurance or confirmation that it was the right thing to do. I just looked at her and said “Do you mind waiting?” I knew she wouldn’t, of course she wouldn’t.
The Leader, Flora sat with me and blessed me with a prayer and suddenly I just burst into tears, I was totally overwhelmed. Then an extra pair of hands appeared on top of mine, they were Bombies, bless her.
After some chats with the Leaders about taking my Faith forward we headed out to lunch and I felt all smiley inside. I couldn’t believe I had taken such a giant leap forward, I felt fantastic.
I really wanted Laksa as it had been like, maybe a month since I’d had it.I wanted it so bad, I was even considering a large bowl. I suggested we go to Lucky Garden but Mr J and Bombies knew another place nearby. We went there but as it transpires the place wasn't serving it anymore, so we went to LG as a backup plan. As we were eating, Mr J spotted Blanks and Panda and asked them to join us. I took a deep breath. Funny how the other Laksa place wasn't serving Laksa hu…?
As they walked over and said hi, Blanks actually made eye contact, smiled and said hi. He actually seemed pleased to see me, but maybe that was my wishful(?) thinking. We all sat down and the awkwardness that had been there weeks back, in Starbucks, wasn’t there. Although we didn’t speak directly to one another, when one of us spoke the other gave attention and joined in. Deep, relaxed, big, fat sigh… it felt… almost...nearly... normal. Finally! Oh, I can’t tell you how relived I felt. I can’t say that it’s all going to be happy days and plain sailing from now on, I can’t say that I didn’t feel the need to put my hand in his, and I also can't say I didn't really want to share my news with him, but, as much as there is still a little bit of hurt in my heart, I feel I could tolerate, perhaps accept, his friendship and company once again.
Fortunately, I had an appointment to get to, which worked in my favour as had I had nowt to do, I probably would have been torn over what to do (stay/ go) and over analysed the whole situation – like I normally do. But apparently today is a day of no analysis, no logic and no questions.
I left, and drove home, singing… of course. I’m finally ready to move forward. Thank God, literally.
Well, today I got reconfirmed at the SIB Church and it was by no means pre planned. I just planned to go with Bombies and Mr J and just enjoy another service, take more in and try and understand more about this Christianity Business.
Towards the end of the service, the Pastor asked people to raise their hand if they would like to join or be accepted back into the Christian Faith. As I sat, there with my head bowed, I thought back to the first time I went to a service months ago when we went to watch a play by SK’s Church. The Pastor there had asked the same question and I’d stood there, hand in hand with Blanks holding onto him so, so tightly and him squeezing my hand right back, I wanted to say "me" but I was petrified, for some reason.
But today was totally different, as the congregation was asked to raise their hand, I felt this sudden hot flush all over my chest and face and before I knew it my hand was raised the air and the Pastor acknowledged me. It was this crazy moment, where I felt like the decision was made for me, there was no thinking through, no decision making, no logical reasoning, it was like my body said yes and not my head. I guess it was my heart actually. I was surprised myself!
So as the service drew to an end one of the Leaders asked me if I would like to be reconfirmed at the alter, I looked at Bombies for some sort of reassurance or confirmation that it was the right thing to do. I just looked at her and said “Do you mind waiting?” I knew she wouldn’t, of course she wouldn’t.
The Leader, Flora sat with me and blessed me with a prayer and suddenly I just burst into tears, I was totally overwhelmed. Then an extra pair of hands appeared on top of mine, they were Bombies, bless her.
After some chats with the Leaders about taking my Faith forward we headed out to lunch and I felt all smiley inside. I couldn’t believe I had taken such a giant leap forward, I felt fantastic.
I really wanted Laksa as it had been like, maybe a month since I’d had it.I wanted it so bad, I was even considering a large bowl. I suggested we go to Lucky Garden but Mr J and Bombies knew another place nearby. We went there but as it transpires the place wasn't serving it anymore, so we went to LG as a backup plan. As we were eating, Mr J spotted Blanks and Panda and asked them to join us. I took a deep breath. Funny how the other Laksa place wasn't serving Laksa hu…?
As they walked over and said hi, Blanks actually made eye contact, smiled and said hi. He actually seemed pleased to see me, but maybe that was my wishful(?) thinking. We all sat down and the awkwardness that had been there weeks back, in Starbucks, wasn’t there. Although we didn’t speak directly to one another, when one of us spoke the other gave attention and joined in. Deep, relaxed, big, fat sigh… it felt… almost...nearly... normal. Finally! Oh, I can’t tell you how relived I felt. I can’t say that it’s all going to be happy days and plain sailing from now on, I can’t say that I didn’t feel the need to put my hand in his, and I also can't say I didn't really want to share my news with him, but, as much as there is still a little bit of hurt in my heart, I feel I could tolerate, perhaps accept, his friendship and company once again.
Fortunately, I had an appointment to get to, which worked in my favour as had I had nowt to do, I probably would have been torn over what to do (stay/ go) and over analysed the whole situation – like I normally do. But apparently today is a day of no analysis, no logic and no questions.
I left, and drove home, singing… of course. I’m finally ready to move forward. Thank God, literally.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Happily Confused
I'm really confused - but in a nice way!
I have known this guy "Pink" for nearly a year, actually he is the gent who organised my car and stuff for me when I switched from Avis to the current company I use.
When I first met him I did think to myself, oh he's kinda cute, but nothing more after that really.
Anyway he would drop me an email every now and then and then we exchanged MSN ads and recently he has been MSNing me nearly everyday just saying like hey, how's your day going etc. Even when I was in the UK he text me. But I didn't think much of it as I was pretty sure he mentioned he had a girlfriend some time back. I had said I was dating someone, although never told him we'd split up, why would I? He's just my car rental guy, it never came up.
He's always sending flirty messages but in a very naive sweet way, he just doesn't come across as the "cheating" or "manipulative" type at all. So I would always reply saying "look at you trying to sweet talk me etc" and blow it off. I'm quite shy under my mouthy exterior!
Anyway, on Tuesday he asked me if I wanted to grab food that night but as I was jet lagged, so I said no but suggested supper for last night. We just met at Devi's, chatted, ate and then went to Chawan for a drink after. He told me he was engaged to his girlfriend now, I suggested a photographer I knew for his wedding, we discussed Chinese traditions at weddings etc etc. So it was quite clear he wasn't into me - so I thought, OK just friends no big deal. Was nice, nothing more than that really. But it was good to have some different company.
We were chatting about me wanting to convert my spare room into a Carrie(esque) walk in wardrobe (I know!! VERY EXCITING!) and then he mentioned he had done it at his place and did I wanna come and see it. His Fiance is away (he had told me this earlier in the night, not just at that point!). Even though I felt it was quite a genuine suggestion (as in, no undertone) I thought about it but as it was already 11pm (and I'm always a bit precautious), I said no as I still hadn't unpacked my suitcase - bad I know, done it now though :)
Anyway, that was that. We both went home.
So just now my admin assistant (the one who didn't get fired - really need to blog that event it was MAJOR) said to me, oh, this was just hand delivered by your rental company. It was an envelope. I opened it up, thinking it must be a brochure or something and it was two CD's.. from Pink. The note said "I picked these 2 CD's for you from my collection. Hope you like them! Have a nice weekend ya! Pink".
I smiled to myself and turn back to my assistance and said, hand delivered where they, by who? she said, on behalf of, hang on let me look, gave me Pink's full name and said by their courier boy. I just smiled and said OK thanks.
I don't know what to think! I feel really flattered and think its a really nice gesture. You might be reading this thinking, Aha! This guy wants a bit of stuff on the side but he doesn't come across like that AT ALL. I'm completely and utterly confused, but as I said above, in a nice way.
From his behaviour of messaging me and all the favours he has done in the past months like upgrading my car, giving me discounts etc I think I can be big headed and say he may have a small crush on me which I have never really entertained, because he is in a relationship with someone and so was I. HHhmmmm.
Anyway, I'm smiling, I'm going to take it as a gesture of friendship... how nice, on a Friday :)
I have known this guy "Pink" for nearly a year, actually he is the gent who organised my car and stuff for me when I switched from Avis to the current company I use.
When I first met him I did think to myself, oh he's kinda cute, but nothing more after that really.
Anyway he would drop me an email every now and then and then we exchanged MSN ads and recently he has been MSNing me nearly everyday just saying like hey, how's your day going etc. Even when I was in the UK he text me. But I didn't think much of it as I was pretty sure he mentioned he had a girlfriend some time back. I had said I was dating someone, although never told him we'd split up, why would I? He's just my car rental guy, it never came up.
He's always sending flirty messages but in a very naive sweet way, he just doesn't come across as the "cheating" or "manipulative" type at all. So I would always reply saying "look at you trying to sweet talk me etc" and blow it off. I'm quite shy under my mouthy exterior!
Anyway, on Tuesday he asked me if I wanted to grab food that night but as I was jet lagged, so I said no but suggested supper for last night. We just met at Devi's, chatted, ate and then went to Chawan for a drink after. He told me he was engaged to his girlfriend now, I suggested a photographer I knew for his wedding, we discussed Chinese traditions at weddings etc etc. So it was quite clear he wasn't into me - so I thought, OK just friends no big deal. Was nice, nothing more than that really. But it was good to have some different company.
We were chatting about me wanting to convert my spare room into a Carrie(esque) walk in wardrobe (I know!! VERY EXCITING!) and then he mentioned he had done it at his place and did I wanna come and see it. His Fiance is away (he had told me this earlier in the night, not just at that point!). Even though I felt it was quite a genuine suggestion (as in, no undertone) I thought about it but as it was already 11pm (and I'm always a bit precautious), I said no as I still hadn't unpacked my suitcase - bad I know, done it now though :)
Anyway, that was that. We both went home.
So just now my admin assistant (the one who didn't get fired - really need to blog that event it was MAJOR) said to me, oh, this was just hand delivered by your rental company. It was an envelope. I opened it up, thinking it must be a brochure or something and it was two CD's.. from Pink. The note said "I picked these 2 CD's for you from my collection. Hope you like them! Have a nice weekend ya! Pink".
I smiled to myself and turn back to my assistance and said, hand delivered where they, by who? she said, on behalf of, hang on let me look, gave me Pink's full name and said by their courier boy. I just smiled and said OK thanks.
I don't know what to think! I feel really flattered and think its a really nice gesture. You might be reading this thinking, Aha! This guy wants a bit of stuff on the side but he doesn't come across like that AT ALL. I'm completely and utterly confused, but as I said above, in a nice way.
From his behaviour of messaging me and all the favours he has done in the past months like upgrading my car, giving me discounts etc I think I can be big headed and say he may have a small crush on me which I have never really entertained, because he is in a relationship with someone and so was I. HHhmmmm.
Anyway, I'm smiling, I'm going to take it as a gesture of friendship... how nice, on a Friday :)
Thursday, October 30, 2008
A Story To Live By
I hate forwards, but this one, although cheesey and not wirtten particularily well, did send a little shiver up my spine. It certainly made ME think....
There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She told her boyfriend, 'If I could only see the world, I would marry you.'
One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.
He asked her,
'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?'
The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her.
She hadn't expected that.
The thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him.
Her boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying:
'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.'
This is how the human brain often works when our status changes. Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations.
Life Is a Gift
Today before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who can't speak.
Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has nothing to eat.
Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone who's crying out to GOD for a companion.
Today before you complain about life - Think of someone who died too early on this earth.
Before you complain about your children - Think of someone who desires children but they're barren.
Before you argue about your dirty house someone didn't clean or sweep - Think of the people who are living in the streets.
Before whining about the distance you drive Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.
And when you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job.
But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another - Remember that not one of us is without sin.
And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on your face and think: you're alive and still around.
==========================
I PRAY THIS MOVES AROUND
THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE...
There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She told her boyfriend, 'If I could only see the world, I would marry you.'
One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.
He asked her,
'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?'
The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her.
She hadn't expected that.
The thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him.
Her boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying:
'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.'
This is how the human brain often works when our status changes. Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations.
Life Is a Gift
Today before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who can't speak.
Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has nothing to eat.
Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone who's crying out to GOD for a companion.
Today before you complain about life - Think of someone who died too early on this earth.
Before you complain about your children - Think of someone who desires children but they're barren.
Before you argue about your dirty house someone didn't clean or sweep - Think of the people who are living in the streets.
Before whining about the distance you drive Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.
And when you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job.
But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another - Remember that not one of us is without sin.
And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on your face and think: you're alive and still around.
==========================
I PRAY THIS MOVES AROUND
THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE...
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
You're Fired!
*Sigh* Today is killing me, I'm so tired and got a long way to go, just taking a break. Tempted to eat a biscuit.... hhhmmm will consider shortly.
The only light relief was an insane call from Mr J and CatMachine around mid afternoon. I thought CatMachine had gone back home, but she is still here, with an unbooked return ticket. I'm really happy about that, I really like spending time with CM, she's very easy to get along with and so that makes my weekend all the more looked forward to.
Still weekend is another 2 days away... in the meantime I have tomorrow to face....
I have to fire a member of my team :( Which, to be quite frank I don't want to do.
Last month the end of her probation came up and I advised her I was going to extend it by a month simply because she had not been doing a good job. She is only an admin assistant, but basic calls are dealt with badly, she can't take messages (I think she is dyslexic, having listened to call recordings - she repeats back the spelling of a name or a number and although she says it right, its is written down the wrong way) and generally, she's not the sharpest tool in the box.
I practically had to beg my boss to keep her on as he was ready to let her go, but I always like to give people just "one more chance" to prove themselves or give it a last shot at proving me wrong. Unfortunately she did not, even though we spent time listening to her calls and me giving her "constructive criticism" trying to spur her on and improve her customer service quality. The week before I went away she advised a client that they were on cover, when they had never been Insured by us. Subsequently the client went ahead with his hospitalisation and we had no choice but to cover his bill due to our gross misconduct. This has never happened in the 18 years our company have been open. I got a royal bollocking when I visited my MD in the UK. Well, not so much me directly, but the situation as a whole.
Needless to say, my MD wanted to fire her immediately, but given the laws and all I pushed to keep her until the end of probation and took her off the phones immediately. Anyway, tomorrow she returns from her Deepavali holiday and well, I have to tell her that her probation has been terminated and that this doesn't seem to be the right job for her - a nice way of saying - you're fired.
Ergh, I really feel terrible. It's her first job out of Uni and all. The thing is, I've done what I can, haven't I? I mean, I gave her a month of "extra time" to redeem herself, then, a written warning after the phone incident where she could have again, redeemed herself in other areas and well, I kinda wish she'd just handed in her notice.
I have already decided that I'm going to get it out of the way first thing tomorrow - no good delaying the inevitable. And I am going to give her the option of resigning - this way when she is employed by her next company it won't look as bad and I can give her a straight reference - saying that she chose to leave. At least that's something. I just feel bad for her. If we were a company of 100+ people then sure, maybe I'd move her to an area of something she might be better at, but we're not, we're an office of 11. And I simply can't afford to keep her on, she has made so many fuck ups. Sigh....
I'm going to pray tonight and ask for that someone helps her out of this muddle - obviously, she will be fired but perhaps something good can come of it - she can find a better job, argh, I hope so. Hopefully the experience she has had in this company has enriched her... somehow (I really struggled to write that line as I don't believe it has done).
I think I might just say the tiniest prayer for me... that helps me deliver the bad news, in the nicest way possible... if that is, possible.... at the end of the day, this is my job, I'm not here to be liked or popular I'm here to run the business and both my MD and CEO want her gone. I do too but if I had my way I'd move her elsewhere or do something, but, I have to keep reminding myself that we are not a charity, we are a business.
Wish me luck.
The only light relief was an insane call from Mr J and CatMachine around mid afternoon. I thought CatMachine had gone back home, but she is still here, with an unbooked return ticket. I'm really happy about that, I really like spending time with CM, she's very easy to get along with and so that makes my weekend all the more looked forward to.
Still weekend is another 2 days away... in the meantime I have tomorrow to face....
I have to fire a member of my team :( Which, to be quite frank I don't want to do.
Last month the end of her probation came up and I advised her I was going to extend it by a month simply because she had not been doing a good job. She is only an admin assistant, but basic calls are dealt with badly, she can't take messages (I think she is dyslexic, having listened to call recordings - she repeats back the spelling of a name or a number and although she says it right, its is written down the wrong way) and generally, she's not the sharpest tool in the box.
I practically had to beg my boss to keep her on as he was ready to let her go, but I always like to give people just "one more chance" to prove themselves or give it a last shot at proving me wrong. Unfortunately she did not, even though we spent time listening to her calls and me giving her "constructive criticism" trying to spur her on and improve her customer service quality. The week before I went away she advised a client that they were on cover, when they had never been Insured by us. Subsequently the client went ahead with his hospitalisation and we had no choice but to cover his bill due to our gross misconduct. This has never happened in the 18 years our company have been open. I got a royal bollocking when I visited my MD in the UK. Well, not so much me directly, but the situation as a whole.
Needless to say, my MD wanted to fire her immediately, but given the laws and all I pushed to keep her until the end of probation and took her off the phones immediately. Anyway, tomorrow she returns from her Deepavali holiday and well, I have to tell her that her probation has been terminated and that this doesn't seem to be the right job for her - a nice way of saying - you're fired.
Ergh, I really feel terrible. It's her first job out of Uni and all. The thing is, I've done what I can, haven't I? I mean, I gave her a month of "extra time" to redeem herself, then, a written warning after the phone incident where she could have again, redeemed herself in other areas and well, I kinda wish she'd just handed in her notice.
I have already decided that I'm going to get it out of the way first thing tomorrow - no good delaying the inevitable. And I am going to give her the option of resigning - this way when she is employed by her next company it won't look as bad and I can give her a straight reference - saying that she chose to leave. At least that's something. I just feel bad for her. If we were a company of 100+ people then sure, maybe I'd move her to an area of something she might be better at, but we're not, we're an office of 11. And I simply can't afford to keep her on, she has made so many fuck ups. Sigh....
I'm going to pray tonight and ask for that someone helps her out of this muddle - obviously, she will be fired but perhaps something good can come of it - she can find a better job, argh, I hope so. Hopefully the experience she has had in this company has enriched her... somehow (I really struggled to write that line as I don't believe it has done).
I think I might just say the tiniest prayer for me... that helps me deliver the bad news, in the nicest way possible... if that is, possible.... at the end of the day, this is my job, I'm not here to be liked or popular I'm here to run the business and both my MD and CEO want her gone. I do too but if I had my way I'd move her elsewhere or do something, but, I have to keep reminding myself that we are not a charity, we are a business.
Wish me luck.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
About Me
- Bubs
- Surrey, United Kingdom
- "I have found that if a problem rears its head, the best way to deal with it is by being highly emotional, inconsistent and super irrational and the problem tends to go away..."