We are getting a puppy :)

Well, not just yet, hopefully this time next year, once we have our house. After some deliberation we have decided on a Beagle.... can't wait!

Year End

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and our last day of work before Christmas. We finish at 1 and then will be in and out of the office until 4th Jan. The majority of time I'll be off though - yeh!

I didn't get the promotion, despite feeling like i was led to believe that I would do by my manager. I feel OK about it as I know I'll get there in time but at the same time can't help but feel like I've let both myself and Mada down.

I guess we'll just have to work extra hard at saving to get our house next year. We WILL have our house by next year. I'll make sure of it!

I'll be wrapping all my Christmas presents tonight and I'm excited to do so, especially my presents for Mada which I have put so much thought into - I hope he likes them.

Last night a few of us went for dinner at The Bee. Although pricey, the place has undergone a complete revamp and the food was AMAZING.

I love Christmas time, so much time to spend with friends and family. The best parts being midnight mass tomorrow night, waking up next to Mada and sharing Christmas day with my whole family - yay!

To 2010! Woho!

Hilarious

My colleague was winding me up just now and I looked up from my desk and said jokely "You're such a chi bai". Ha! She looked at me like "WTF??"

It just came out. Lol :o)

Lucky Me

It's lovely to have such dilemmas isn't it? Too have too much choice, rather than too little.

Dilemma

I am being interviewed on Monday to potentially be promoted and take care of a Sales maternity position for 9 months. The prospects are great and I'm gonna go for it.

My head says do it.

My heart tells me to hang in there and wriggle my way into production and broadcasting but this won't happen over night and I'm not sure I have the patience and time to commit to it. I know, like anything though, if I want it badly enough, I'd work at it.

I usually make heart felt decisions but I'll let my head lead for now, see how it goes and if I am successful, perhaps in 9 months I can look at my options once again.

Although given my lack of qualifications in this area I don't know if I'll get the job at all. But I'll give it a crack.

2009 has treated me well so far, to end on an even bigger high would be simply too good to be true!

November

November has been a whirlwind of a month and finally today, December arrives.

November was a trying month, but a good month all the same. With all the goings on Mada and I have found, at times, our relationship a little less easy, than the previous months. But we realised that despite being upset with one another at times, we have both worked equally as hard to keep going at it.

We realised that we are still in our early days and we are still learning about one another but essentially, that we make each other better people and will grow stronger individually and as a couple by being by one an other's side.

Last week was tough in particular with his friends from America visiting. Although it has been fun, our usual everyday living schedule has been disrupted, resulting in irritable and irrational behaviour at times but that in turn has somehow made us even stronger.

December 1st (today) was in my mind, set to be a fresh start, however, this morning was the first frost of the year and devastatingly I got caught out by black ice on the road this morning and after a 360 degree spin on a straight (but thankfully wide and empty) road, crashed my car resulting in a trip down to the accident and emergency.

I'm OK but I have whiplash and having layed down all day in bed I needed to do something, and blogging seemed appropriate. What I was thankful for the most, was knowing that I had told Mada I loved him last night and him telling me too, before saying goodnight and when I called him from the roadside in hysterics that he was there for me instantly, not by being by my side literally, but by being him.

I'm sorry I don't blog so often these days, I miss writing too. This last week of tension has made me realise that I need to keep working on re balancing my life so I have time for everything. Too much time with one particular aspect of your life can destroy it. But not enough time can be equally fatal.

I can't believe it's now December 2009... so close to the date I heard those words "One day Katelin... one day...". One day has arrived and is here to stay.

Update

Isn't it funny that when I was unhappy I sometimes blogged up to 3 times a day, no I have left it days, weeks since I last wrote an entry! I guess that says something in itself :o)

Tomorrow Grandma turns 90 and the whole family are heading down to Dorset to stay in a huge cottage to celebrate over a long weekend. I can't wait. I spent many hours working on a "This Is Your Life" DVD which I finally finished last night at about midnight (by the time i got to bed) and was up at 5am to head to work for the Breakfast Show this morning.

Never thought I'd look forward at getting up for work at 5am and voluntarily too.

Things just get better and better.

Just 5 more months to go and then we'll be at the bank trying to see what sort of mortgage we can get. We've set ourselves the date of March 2010. Time to work hard, save hard and party only a little bit ;o)

Last week I ran a cross-country 10K race for a charity called CHASE. We raised about £600+ for terminally ill children who stay at this hospice. I think I mentioned it before. The weather was diabolical and we literally were running in mud up to our ankles. I've got really bad shin splints but they're easing today. All for a good cause for children far worse off than me, so I won't complain. It was a real challenge over all.

That's all for now, must get back to the day job :o)

xxx

Awaiting the pay cheque...

Decided I needed to write something whilst the boss is away from her desk and I'm up to date with my work.

Well I have a cold and sound like a munchkin, its delightful. Other than that though it's all plain sailing and happy days.

Work is coming along nicely, continuous good appraisals, me, giving my colleagues no choice but to take me along to their meeting with them (which they don't seem to mind and gives me opportunity to get to know them better) and finishing work at a blissful 5.30 every day. Just waiting for that first pay cheque now so I can have an income again. Saying that it will soon be gone on bills and savings - ah well, I'll get there.

Things at work are becoming more social - I'm going to my colleagues 30th birthday party over the weekend and intend to dress up "Flashdance" style, followed by the following weekend where I'm participating in a 10K run for charity with my colleagues (fortunately someone dropped out so I jumped right in!) and then we have a Charity quiz in November followed by the Christmas party at Thorpe Park - i know!! in December.

Crikey, when I list it - that's quite a lot! Next year I intend to turn my extra curricular work activities to internal projects with the business and gain more knowledge of every area possible.

I'm completely absorbed in my job, fascinated and excited by everything that goes on, its great. This must have been how people felt at my old company who liked insurance... ergh... and finance... ergh... heehee :o)

I'm determined to prove myself, to rise above my position when I get confirmed in March then Mada and I can start to concentrate on buying our house and seeing a mortgage advisor.

If I get promoted to a Sales Executive I'll automatically get a company car. And as much as I don't want to sell my precious mini, I could save myself £250 a month without the cost of the car loan and insurance and that's a massive amount that could go towards our monthly mortgage.

I'm so determined to succeed it's unreal. I have never felt this way about any job, even when I was working to the bone at WR there was never passion just a MUST attitude.

Well if I am going to succeed, I guess I should get back to the job at hand. Thank GOD i waited those 4 long months - it was so worth it.

Conclusive Decision

I have decided that I love being in love, very much. I also love being loved. I love being told I'm loved and love telling that I love in return.

Love, love, love :o)

Bbbbrrrrr!!

I nearly froze to death at the train station this morning, I thought the tip of my tippy-toes, fingers and nose may just fall off!!

Time to purchase some thermals and make it fashion!!

That, or just stop wearing ridiculously short dresses to work. Hum.

For Each A Road

"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail..."

The Girls; Lori Lansens.

Happiness is Divine!

As the old saying goes - time flies when you're having fun.

I can't seem to breathe for a spare second at the moment but I will not complain one bit. I'm probably the happiest I have felt in a long time, maybe a few years. That's not to say I haven't had good times in the last few years (because I most certainly have) but I would say that overall I have a better balance - with happy times majorly out weighing any bad times.

Love is good. Work is good. And these are the two things that have been tiresomely bothering to me over the last year or so. That's really why I started full time blogging in the first place.

I feel like there is constantly so much to write about and catch up on - I see people in the streets and think how what i saw would make a funny or interesting entry. I feel a flutter in my heart or a niggle in my belly but by the time i get round to writing the moment has passed and the passionate ideas i had conjured up - disappeared. Oh well!

Now I'm working I'm trying to re balance all the important things in my life. Friendship for one has taken a backdrop. My first week I was exhausted and mentally retarded by 6pm so I didn't work out or see anyone all week (I know, shock horror!), last week, I managed to get to the gym on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. This week, I hope for the same work outs and also see BD on Tuesday and maybe another friend over the weekend.

Gradually in time I hope I can balance it all again.

It was so fabulous to finish work on Friday at 5.30 on the dot, grab the early train home without a worry in the world and knowing that some of my work for Monday had already been done and I only needed to client "send" this morning. Wow, you can't imagine the feeling!!

As the rentals have been on holiday Mada and I have made use of the alone time. Of course there has been lots of sexy time but more importantly it's been great, cooking together, chilling out in our PJ's and just feeling relaxed together. He was also a little distress after my first week in work as he saw me so much less - same amount of days, but less hours, so we rectified that this weekend.

As something nice, I took him to London Zoo on Saturday and we had such a laugh together - i have decided my new favourite animal is the Meerkat - so funny to watch! We followed that by taking a visit to China Town where he tried dim sum for the first time and LOVED it - I was so delighted! Planning to ask BD and Chris to come with us next time for the complete works. We came home and ate chocolate and drank milk in bed - perfect. HaHa! It was probably the nicest weekend I've had since I've been back. Sunday night all the cousins and partners got together at my cousin's house, it was a really nice, relaxed evening.

Well, must get on with what I'm paid to do - work to be done, but only just enough to keep me busy for the whole day ;o) Again, I shall not complain - for now! I have my first 121 with my manager at 2pm - fingers crossed it goes well. I think it will ;o)

Let's Multiply!

I've definitely learnt a lot about myself this week and last. It's amazing when put in new and unfamiliar surroundings how much you come to depend on yourself.

The new job involves a lot of maths, percentages, targets, gross profit... oh the list goes on (in the form of a spreadsheet) and if you know anything about me you'll know that maths is something I will literally do anything to avoid. It may not be the trickiest of calculations but when faced with numbers i just completely panic and go into meltdown mode.

Unfortunately at my job interview it wasn't really made clear to me just how much maths, formulas and spreadsheets were involved in the day to day running of my job (had it been so, i probably wouldn't have accepted it!) and so i am faced with two choices - face the challenge head on or run away and hide as usual.

This time I've decided to tackle it one on one. Literally. It's me against the world of multiply and division.

I have found over the course of last week and today that by breathing deeply, working slowly and methodically, ensuring I understand the theory behind the calculation, checking, double checking and OCD checking, I can do it.

I have literally amazed myself. The fear of failing and looking stupid (which, I really would do for most of the questions I would ask if I dare speak my thoughts)have driven me to self contain my questions and work out the answers by myself.

I'm really proud of myself. It probably sounds stupid to anyone reading this. But think of the hardest most challenging task you have to do and how much you hate doing it and how hard you find it every time you even look at it, simple or hard. Well that's me with numbers, but this week has been my first steps to opening my mind to the fact that I CAN do it.

On another note, I asked my manager if it would be OK if I left the office dead on 5.30 today as I wanted to make the 17.43 train to go to my body pump class. She looked at me as if I'd just asked for a pay rise. Guess I'm not use to working for a company which doesn't frown upon you leaving the moment you stop getting paid.

Forever Friends

I'm sorry I couldn't take your call
I'm sorry you had to talk to silence
I'm sorry you felt so alone


I'm sorry I live a million miles away
I'm sorry I can't give you a hug
I'm sorry I can't be the best friend you need

For what it's worth, I'll never be sorry I met you, only sorry that it wasn't sooner and that I couldn't take you with me

xoxo

My (sort of) First Day

Yesterday I got a call from my new manager asking if I would like to attend a meeting tomorrow, as the 1st October is the beginning of the financial year. Even though I don’t officially start until Monday, I jumped at the opportunity to avoid first day nerves by over coming them in a meeting environment and by only being in for a few hours. Also, it meant I could understand some of the targets set for this year and last.

I was absolutely overwhelmed by the kindness of everyone that worked there. Everyone was introducing themselves or, if eye contact was met during the meeting, smiling at me in a friendly way.

After a little while my new manager officially introduced me to the company (about 30 people were there) everyone clapped in a welcoming way which, as if wasn’t embarrassing enough, they then proceeded to present me with a (and I’m not exaggerating) dinner plate sized Millie’s cookie (how did they know my favorite??) which had, written in icing “Welcome Katy”. They then proceeded to sing “Happy First Day To You!” Haha. CRINGE, but all the same, I felt so welcome – what a nice company!

The meeting was a mixture of presentations, team building and discussions and I felt comfortable enough to throw out some ideas in the group discussions, which my manager later, showed her enthusiasm over. Saying that, as the “New Girl” I didn’t want to say too much and look out spoken, so I mainly sat and nodded and smiled.

All in all a fantastic start to a new job and I am really genuinely excited to start work officially on Monday. No matter how shit my actual role is, at least I can see the kind of company I am going to be working with. Smile.

To top it all off, my lovely boyfriend is taking me out for a “surprise” dinner tonight to show me how “proud” he is in anticipation of me completing the half marathon on Sunday and starting my new job on Monday.

What a perfect day.
Strawberry Swing :o)

Part Time Blogger

So sue me, I haven't blogged in a week! I guess I've just been so caught up with ensuring my life is in tip-top shape before I start my new job NEXT WEEK that I got a little distracted!

Quite a lot to update you on, but I don't really have the patience to sit and write for ages so I'm gonna put it all in a little summary. Lazy - I know!

- COLDPLAY. We went to the Viva La Vida gig on Saturday night. Would have been excellent (and nearly was) but the heavens opened about 2 minutes before Coldplay started and we got absolutely soaked! Ruining my brand new £150 leather jacket (which I subsequently returned and got an exchange on - phew!). Saying that, despite being freezing cold and wet, random piss being chucked on us (don't ask) and being much further back than we would have liked, Coldplay were bloody fantastic and we had an amazing time. I kept thinking back to their last gig we went to in 2005 when everything was all so different... who would have thought what I would have been through in these last 4 years. Unbelievable. It was quite funny when Chris Martin decided that all 70,000 of us would perform an X Factor audition for Simon Cowell :o) I posted the video on FB and will try and import it onto my blog later. Saying that, I'm sure someone will have posted a better quality version on You Tube.

OK, I was right, here you go!



A few days before that, the boyfriend and I went to see Chelsea play at Standford Bridge. We had really good seats and I could actually here the players shouting at each other. It was really fun being there together, kinda like a momentous occasion in my eyes... I was so thankful that they (*cough* sorry "WE") won as I was worried I'd be a bad omen... turns out Chelsea have won every premiership game so far this season, so although I don't like to say it aloud, perhaps I am the Boy's lucky charm (now I've said that they're bound to lose!!). I'd like to go and see some more games, it was really fun!

Sunday will be the half marathon which feels like it's been a long time coming. I've been looking forward to it so much and trained so much harder than I have for any run before (let us not forget that I have been unemployed for 4 months - how could we forget!). I am excited although my Sister doesn't really seem that up for it anymore and it's kinda put an edge on the whole thing. Hopefully she will buck up on the day and we'll have a blast. The boyfriend wants to come and support me, which really means a lot to me.. I remember all those years ago cheering him on in his Triathlon so it's real nice that he is coming to support me. I want to make him proud :o)

And of course Monday brings the new job :o) I'm nervous and excited all in one. Have bought two new outfits and hope to buy a couple more items this week before I start - I'm sure there will be plenty of blogs to come about that so watch this space!

In between all of the above, I've been sporting my "Team Cheryl" T shirt courtesy of www.boohoo.com been taking care of my fabulous Gran with yummy lunches and trips to the theatre, and generally prancing about.

I can't wait for next week - be it good or bad, it's the new start that I'm ready to take on.

Another new beginning...

I've been a bit slack and a bit dull on the blogging front. Only because I was unemployed... but YES! Finally! I have a job! THE job, that I was hoping for, the radio station job. After finally hearing from my future manager at 17.28 on Friday afternoon it was confirmed that I will be starting with my new company the day after my half marathon - hahaha! Out of all the dates to start my new job, having been unemployed for 3 months I just HAVE to go and start the day after running 13.1 mils - don't I?? Oh well, I shan't complain, I am most happy :o) So, just under two weeks of freedom left and I'm using the time to run all those errands I put off, to skype and email friends from afar and spend time with my boyfriend, family and friends.

Over the weekend it was my Shrub's birthday so we planned a surprise meal for her at Jamie's Itallian, a Jamie Oliver restuarant in Kingston . Wasn't sure if it would be mega expensive and commercial but it was a complete delight! The food was delicious, the atmosphere funky/ laid back/ cool and the company, well obviously was second to none (went with Shrub, Billy and the boy).

This week I'm still busy busy, with going up to Standford Bridge tonight for a Chelsea match, Coldplay on Saturday and the half marathon the following Sunday - eek. All lots of fun.

Have decided that October will be all about work - I need to budget carefully, crack down with my job and chill out a little so really, I feel like everything falls into place well. Before we know it, it will be Christmas, 2009 is turning out to be quite the year I had hoped, wished and prayed for ;o)

I bought "Excel for dummies" today as I noticed my work uses it A LOT just in the few hours I was there... best crack on with actually learning how to auto-sum figures, rather than typing in the sum having calculated it on an actual calculator - yes, that isn't a joke i DO do that :o)

And we wait... and wait some more...

Well it would seem that all the crossed fingers and bowed heads had some effect. Yesterday I had my interview and it went extremely well, I was really confident and the interview flowed really smoothly. So much so that the woman interviewing me asked that I come back today for a few hours to meet the team and find out more about the job etc.

Everyone kept saying "you've nailed it" but I didn't want to get over confident so just kept saying "let's just wait and see yeh?" but secretly hoping I'd get it.

I went in this morning and her assistant started to show me the ropes - lots of jargon and terms I had never heard of before, thrown my way. I kept cool and played the "Uh-hu" (nodding as if I know) game. The girl training me reminded me of Amanda from Ugly Betty. She was sweet as pie (too sweet a pie) and dressed like she was out of the pull - as soon as we got down to the work she made ever so sly comments about the team which I couldn't help but notice had a slightly sharp edge.

"There are lots of "personalities" in the team"
"It depends what time THEY decide to roll in on a Monday"
"It's THEIR job, not mine"


After a while she off loaded me to another team member who was an absolute genuine sweetheart. She seemed more interested in telling me about what she did and asked about my previous job etc. I felt like I got on better with her and her colleague. After a few hours, my potential manager told me I could head off as she had to go out for a meeting herself and that she would call me before the end of the day.

It's 17.06 and she STILL hasn't called. Which doesn't REALLY surprise me, given how unorganised they seemed to have been to date. The office closes at 5.30 - to call or not to call? Tis the question. I also have her mobile number - do I call it? Argh. I can't handle having ANOTHER weekend of WAITING to see if I am the CHOSEN one. I feel like I've nailed it but still have the sick-icky feeling in my stomach waiting on the confirmation.

If I do get the job, then this is definitely a sign of things to come, that they are, generally an unorganised cooperation, although judging by the work flow and order of processes they seem to be quite on top of things, so who bloomin' knows. All I know is that I want this job, with this company. For some reason or another, I just feel that this is the job, this is the one.

21 minutes til the weekend. We wait for the call...

PLEASE let me get this job.

Tomorrow is the big day. At 11.30 I have my interview with the radio station. In preparation for the interview I was sent a form to complete - giving answers to questions on leadership, goal orientation, innovation and change, customer focus (you name it!).

I stayed up until 2AM last night to complete it and woke up early to read it over again and make any changes before sending it back via email.

I really want this job. The salary is absolutely shocking BUT all in all, something tells me this job may be fate. To have come full circle and end up finally using my degree in a field worthy of it, would be so fantastic.

I know I can get this job, I know it. I have to get this job. I WILL get this job.

Send lucky thoughts, hang up horse shoes, pick four leaved clovers, pray, find the leprechaun sitting on a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and tell me to break a leg!

Runners

On Saturday the boy and i ventured into the dark depths of Woking to find a well known running shop called Sweatshop. Seeing as I have been suffering from severe blisters on the soles of my feet lately, I have been getting kinda anxious, seeing as the next half marathon is only some 3 weeks away.

I was really, really impressed with their customer service. The gent that served me first looked at my trainers, then my posture, the curve of my feet, the way I walked and the way I ran. From that he was able to tell me if my feet roll when I run, if they turn in/ out, if I'm well balanced etc and then choose a preferable trainer for me from there.

He actually said the trainers I wear at the moment are quite good, but better for short distances (more like 5-10K runs) and that for longer distances I needed more support. He suggested the Adistar Ride (which I tried) and another few brands.

The Adistar Ride's were amazingly padded, supporting and bulky, I feel like they'd be good to run in. But in all honesty he told me the reason behind my blisters may be that the socks I'm wearing are not allowing my feet to breathe enough and therefore causing blisters. So instead of paying 95 squid on some new runners I choose the 9 pound socks and gave them a whirl yesterday - I could actually feel the difference.

I was really impressed that the guy didn't try and sell me trainers to make commission but more so, gave honest, friendly advice. All the same, I'm convinced I need new runners now and seeing as we found them on line for 80, I may just buy them anyway. I'm allowed to treat myself as yesterday I counted up all my foreign currencies I had from my travels and it came to over 100 quid! So technically, its some free money I didn't know I had.. so i may order them online this afternoon.

visit www.sweatshop.co.uk

Feel Good.

I just watched my Las Vegas skydive as I came across it just now. This was the soundtrack to it. Never really listened to the lyrics before, I like it ;o)

Filter - Take A Picture


Awake on my airplane, awake on my airplane
My skin is bare, my skin is theirs
Awake on my airplane, awake on my airplane
My skin is bare, my skin is theirs and,

I feel like a newborn
And I feel like a newborn

Awake on my airplane
Awake on my airplane
I feel so real

Could you take my picture
'Cause I won't remember
Could you take my picture
'Cause I won't remember
Could you take my picture
'Cause I won't remember
Could you take my picture
'Cause I won't remember
Yeah

I don't believe in, I don't believe in
Your sanctity
Your prophecy
I don't believe in I don't believe in
Sanctity - a hypocrisy

Could everyone agree that
No one should be left alone
Could everyone agree that
They should not be left alone, yeah

And I feel like a newborn
And I feel like a newborn
Kicking and screaming

Could you take my picture
'Cause I won't remember
Could you take my picture
'Cause I won't remember
Could you take my picture
'Cause I won't remember
Could you take my picture
'Cause I won't remember
Yeah

Ah, hey dad what do you think about your son now
Aw, hey dad what do you think about your son now

Could you take my picture
'Cause I won't remember
(Won't remember)
Could you take my picture
'Cause I won't remember
(Won't remember)
Could you take my picture
'Cause I won't remember
(I won't remember)
Could you take my picture
(I, oh)
'Cause I won't remember
(I won't remember)

Could you take my picture
'Cause I won't remember
(I won't remember)
Could you take my picture
(I, oh)
'Cause I won't remember
(Won't remember)
Yeah

Progress!

P.S I have an interview with the radio station!! Awaiting the date confirmation. Should receive it by post today, but seeing as we haven't actually had a delivery today, I will give them a call (as advised) to confirm.

How exciting! Keeping fingers crossed, in the meantime am applying for a TA position at my friend's school and a job with an adventure travel company.

Recycle Mania. Remania.

Our small village of Lightwater has finally joined the 21st Century and we are now officially recycling.

Yesterday I was bombarded with information from my Step Dad who tried to explain to me where all our different bins are kept and what goes in which. My small little brain heard this:

"Bla bla bla... bin... bla bla bla... paper... bla".

You'd think it was simple but quite frankly, I don't think it is.

Firstly I asked him where our wasted food now goes, seeing as he has changed our usual bin which we use to dump all the kitchen waste into, into a "Recycle Only" bin which he has kindly stuck a note on marked accordingly, should we (I) forget. He turned to me in a straight forward manner and said, we don't waste food in this house. Um....

Well yes, OK, you ARE a human dustbin but surely there will be some food remains.. where do these go I pondered as I walked off aimlessly.

Whilst going about my day my first query was, where do I put my banana skin and strawberry leafy bits after I made my breakfast?? Currently they sit on the chopping board by the sink. Maybe they are biodegradable?? Was that what he meant? Or does he just want to eat them - CAN you eat banana skins?? Oh the questions in my mind.

Then as I got dressed for the day, I tossed a make up remover pad into my bin in the bathroom, I had to ponder over some of the most gross recyclable objects.

Where on earth do I put used condoms? eeeuuuwwwh. I don't wanna put them just EXPOSED and in the wrong bin for heaven's sake! Usually they get wrapped up tight in a tissue and binned, but heck, we can't mix paper and latex! Surely not! Where for art thou used condom?? And do we put the foil packet in a separate bin for all and sundry to know that we do indeed use, "Pleasuremax" for that "Extra pleasure"??

Holy crap. Perhaps I should write to the local government and ask them.

My banana skin is still on the chopping board. Along with the strawberry leafy bits.

Wake me up, when September ends...

September is here and the wind has a bitter chill, despite the bursts of sunshine between the clouds. Took a run outside today to try and clear my thoughts, I did, in a way, as all I could think about was how hard it seemed to be to pump oxygen around my body!

Last week the boy and I went to see Pete Murray at The Borderline. He was fantastic (Pete Murray that is!) and it felt so special to go with him (the boyfriend!), seeing as we have been fans for all these years. Who'd have thought we'd end up seeing him together and, more importantly as a couple.

I am so happy in my relationship, I know I have found the person I want to be with. I can be silly, I can share my secrets and dreams, I can cry and I can bitch, I can laugh til i cry, with him. With him I am me. I am happy.

Yeh, I am happy and sad too, at times. He pulls me through the darkest days, the days when I miss my former life. I am so thankful for him. That's why i can say I'm happy. Sunday i was so blue, he came over and we ordered Chinese and watched Mrs Doubtfire together. I don't know a lot of guys who'd watch such a shit film, just because they know their girl needs cheering up :o)

And so yes, it is September and it looks like I may soon be stumbling upon a dreaded Temporary job. I am still financially stable, I haven't touched my precious savings... yet. I still have time and money, fortunately, on my side.

I've thought about the jobs that I have applied for - though far and few between. The ones that mattered to me - in that, I genuinely wanted were as followed:

- Teacher Assistant (children)
- Projects Coordinator (travel)
- Volunteers Coordinator (charity)
- Sales Team (travel)
- Sales Coordinator (radio)
- Temps project manager (recruitment)
- Mandarin T.A (children)

I still wait to hear back on the radio job. The latest, I applied for today is a company set up who run after school clubs for children learning Mandarin (i wanna send my children there one day - heehee). You don't have to be able to speak Mandarin for the role I'm looking at, just to "be creative and enjoy working with primary aged children". Well, this would be a nice job to tie me over, all those little sweet Asian faces, then maybe it will help me decide if I should go back to college next year or not.

It really is a waiting game. I've seen a lot of jobs on line lately in claims and insurance. Must fight the resistance. I don't want to put myself back in that rut. Plus, despite how the CV looks, I'd probably struggle with any insurance work. Everyday was a struggle in KL. I want to do something I'm passionate about, and I believe that day will come , i must continue to pray.

Speaking of praying, I am a step closer to returning to church. Having chatted with my Gran (and avid songs of praise go-er) she just so happened to bump into the vicar's wife this week and told her about me. hmm. I have told gran I will take her one Sunday... maybe this Sunday, maybe next, we'll see.

Keep praying for me little followers of my GW.

xxx

A four letter word, beginning with "L".

If it is possible for your heart to physically skip a beat when you have nothing clinically wrong with you, then mine did last night...

... those words.

Titleless

I have been unemployed for nearly 3 months.

Another day... another application

OK, OK, you'll be pleased to know I think I have snapped out of my state of utter depression and desperation after actually talking to my boyfriend. Dam him and his "you never tell me how you're feeling" bollocks. He is right, when you talk, you feel better about how you feel, why is he always right? Bah!

Whilst still waiting to hear back from OA and receiving the official rejection from MAWF (story of my life) I have applied for a job as a sales co-ordinator with a local radio station. Who would have thought that I'd even consider going full circle and going back to my roots?

Imagine if this worked out... no I mustn't let my mind wonder, but I do have a good feeling, then again I seem to say that about every job.. but this one... ooooh I dunno, something feels good about it. Lets hope and continue to pray.

TGIF. Time to spend hours of fun with family and friends!

See ya next week, I'll try and think of something interesting to write about other than just my life. As appealing as it is, I'm sure.

1 step 4ward 2 steps back

I lost it last night. Completely and utterly. I have no idea what triggered it. It's been an OK week, as far as the weeks go over here.

Took my Gran for lunch Monday, had an awesome 10 mile run Tuesday and a right laugh over dinner with Butdunc on Tuesday evening. Discovered I have some money hiding away that i forgot about yesterday, followed by a night of acoustic guitar/ singing at our local pub with friends. If I was working I'd say life was bliss.

After still not hearing anything from MAWF (who, to be honest can go fuck themselves now- unless of course they do offer me a job for some absurd reason in which case I'd probably still take it as I'm so desperate), despite emailing them to ask if the position has now been filled and if they could give me some feedback on my interview, I ended up stumbling across Office Angels website and saw that they accepted applications to work FOR them. I've always had my eye in the background on working in recruitment as a backup plan so thought fuck it, i'll just send my CV with a short cover note.

Low and behold whilst at the gym yesterday evening I got a voicemail from them showing interest. I called back this morning and eventually spoke with the branch manager who advised me that although they had already shortlisted their applicants if i could "sell myself" to him then and there, they may consider me too. I tried my best, he sounded keen and asked me to forward on my CV.

We wait.

So I lost it last night, back to that. I don't know what happened, I drove the guys home from the pub who were all pretty half cut and for some reason I just generally felt pissed off with the boyfriend. After wishing me a "happy anniversary" in the morning (bite me, i forgot) I thought I'd make him a picnic in my garden over lunch as it was warm and sunny yesterday. Alas, he called at 1.30 and couldn't make it. He wasn't to know I'd gone to the trouble and spent many a penny on nice food for him, but i was pissed off.

Then when i told him of the call from OA he was interested and enthusiastic but I guess, well, it might not be the dream job but my self esteem is so low right now I could have done with more encouragement. He did give me encouragement though, but it was too late, I was already in the "moody" zone to notice.

By the time i dropped him home he asked if i wanted to stay over, I said no and good bye and as I left I wheelspinned off (which i doubt was appreciated by his quiet little road at 1am) and went on a massive/ reckless drive down the motorway to clear my head. I drove and drove until I felt like I could breathe again. I felt angry and I have no idea why.

Actually i do. I think I'm just freaking out again, God, I am so CRAP at relationships. I think, at the moment all i have to look forward to on a daily basis is seeing him, he makes my day great and I feel like I'm putting all my dependency on him. Which is stupid because I KNOW how much of an independent person i am. I guess, I'm not really angry at him, I'm angry at myself. I can feel myself losing ME, and becoming someone's OTHER HALF. But that's what i wanted... I just have to learn how to handle it. No one has wanted to be my other half in so long, I'm not sure I really know how to even do it.

I came home and for the first time in 9 weeks, I read the bible and I read the passages that Bombies engraved in my heart. It soothed me and after laying in bed, staring at the ceiling trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me, I fell asleep, waking early this morning to attend a gym class to try and shake off those lingering wonderingments.

I dunno if it was because I prayed last night, I don't know if it's The Secret that I am reading or the CD's that play in my head. Things are changing, I know it and it's going to take a long time to get comfortable with it, even once the change is made and the handover complete.

I just hope I can get through these next few weeks, because if I'm honest with you, I'm struggling to win this battle against myself. I yearn for the security and misery I was in before I left my company, at least I knew what to expect.

But as that famous saying goes, the fear of doing something is often more fearful than the ACTUAL doing.

Til next time.

Train & Tan???

For many men and women across the UK, summertime is about getting a summer tan. Some use sunbeds, others fake tan, occasionally spray-on or fake bake, but for me, I like the good old fashioned UVA infested sun.

Despite being back for nearly 9 weeks I haven't actually had the opportunity to lie in the sun. Firstly being that we haven't really had much of a summer yet, but secondly, on the days when we do, I seem to be recklessly searching the world of the Internet for jobs and feeling discouraged and crappy and spending the last few hours of daylight in the gym pumping out my aggression and frustration.

However, to my disbelief I noticed something rather odd and somewhat horrifying this morning. Whilst moisturising those hard-to-reach bits of my back, I glanced over my shoulder into the mirror to ensure it was all rubbed in and suddenly, glaring back at me were the most hideous tan lines that ever graced planet earth!

No, they weren't streaks of orange, or bright red burnt bits, they were nothing less than my sports bra strap marks THICK and criss-crossed across my upper back. Not. Sexy. HOW in God's name has this happened??

Well, as I say, despite the lack of glorious sunshine, come rain or shine (mostly drizzle/ cloud) I venture out with my Sister once weekly (sometimes twice) for a long run which usually exceeds 1 hour. So, over the last 9 weeks I have obviously gained some sort of "natural glow" (you might call it) from being in the day light and not cooped up in an office (OK, OK, we all know I don't work in an office) OR dingy house.

Whilst of course I am happy that I still have a warm sunny look to my skin i am really not a fan of the big, fat and somewhat lesbianesque strap marks on my back. It looks ridiculous and is only going to become more prominent the more i train for this dam half marathon (remind me again why I run)?

Now, if Nike or Lululemon designed a strapless sports bra then we'd be talking. Hhhmmm, new career idea?

Maybe not.

Need to sort my life out

It's the start of a new week and no word from MAWF. I wait with baited breath.

This week I have given myself the target of signing up and registering my CV etc with more recruitment agencies. Currently I follow three but I know at least half a dozen more I can sign with.

I'm going to set myself a daily agenda of sites to search through and jobs to apply for. Have GOT to get a job... it's nearly September.

I have my Sister's birthday, my Gran's 90th and the boyfriend's birthday coming up and I want to make a special effort for all three, and sometimes effort = spending money.

The weekend was awesome. No, I retract that, Saturday night/ Sunday morning was awesome. A bunch of us went clubbing in Kingston and my god did we have fun, can't wait to see some pics. As the rentals were away, Mada stayed over and for the first time ever, we had the whole place to ourselves and so laid in bed for yonks and then i made us a big fat brekkie. Was perfect and so nice to be properly alone and not worry about the rest of our families being here or there.

I have made a promise to myself that once I start work, I'm giving myself 3 months and then I'm going to start looking into buying a place. *Smiles* I hope I'll be buying it with someone... we've talked about it quite a bit and the way things are going, I hope that 2010 will be a great year after this... interesting year.

And so, the premier league begins...

As of tomorrow my relationship with my boyfriend will take on a new dimension. Are you moving in together? No. Are you getting engaged? Heck no. Perhaps I should be more specific.

As of tomorrow, Wives and Girlfriends relationships with their Husbands and Boyfriends, all over the world, will take on a new dimension.

Tomorrow, the Premiership begins.

Tomorrow, us lovely ladies, the ones they wine and dine, that they lie in bed with on a Saturday morning, that they make love to and tell that there is nothing more that they want/ love/ need in the world, will fade into the background and become, the second most important thing in their partner's life.

No one can quite prepare us for the change ahead. Try as we might to be involved in the football - we'll watch the highlights, text our boyfriends for a score update, listen to them rant and rave about the referee's poor judgement over a red card, nod in agreement and frown in confusion, attempt to remember who plays which position and what that bloody off-side rule is. WE (the female race) shall not compare with that of their team. Or in my case, the mighty Blues, Chelsea FC.

What can we do over this 9 month period of time, where our once beloved partners disappear for days, evenings at a time and return to us, beer-bellied and full of testosterone?

Not a lot, just wait for that day in May to finally arrive. NO. You're wrong my friend!

Well for one, perhaps we could try and appreciate our partners love for the sport. Now, don't get me wrong, in my case I don't need to appreciate it, for I actually enjoy watching the odd game or two. But, I don't believe I'll be parting with £40+ per week to go down to the football club to watch the game live. But I'm more than happy to join my man down the local and chug down a Corona and watch the footie up on the HDTV.

But fret not, why worry? We now have one day a week where we can spend 40 guiltless pounds on whatever we have a passion/ desire/ need for and no, it's not saving for a season ticket for ourselves for the 2010/ 11 premier league... it's shopping! And Coffee! and Pampering! with our girlfriends!

As our men get themselves ready on a Saturday morning we have a WHOLE day to do whatever we like! We can go for a morning jog, have brunch with our best girlfriends, shop in Windsor (or in my case, window shop), have coffee in Starbucks and get home just in time to welcome our men home with arms wide open to congratulate them/ consolidate them over the game result. Having quickly popped on the Chelsea TV to know EXACTLY what happened and WHY that player got sent off and WHO scored that AMAZING goal.

See where I am going with this?


And the men shall realise, wow, football is great but I'm glad I have my lovely wife/ girlfriend to come home to after a hard day at the ground. And although the man shall never openly admit it to their partner, they will come to realise that in time, although their team may have their ups and their downs, their girl will always consistently be there for them when they get home, a smiley, happy face and they shall turn to one another and whisper, "I know I say that football is the most important thing in my life, but i really mean that my woman is". And the men shall nod, in agreement.


We can but dream. Coffee tomorrow girls?

Maybe I won't... (make your wishes come true)

Aiyo. Just a quick line, uber busy today (with what you might ask? God knows!). The interview yesterday was probably the hardest interview I have ever had in my LIFE. 4 pages of questions they asked me - FOUR!

All my close friends rang to ask how it went, all I said was that if i get the job, it will be based on my pure enthusiasm rather than skill. I am smiling to myself really, it was bad - heehee. I'm in a good frame of mind lately so it's not too worrying. GETTING the interview at least raised my spirits.

I'll know later this week or early next week but I don't hold high hopes, but it's OK. Back to the drawing board.

Plus I know The Secret now... (further blog to come) so everything will turn out just fine, I'm sure.

Make Wishes Come True

Friday turned out to be quite the day. Not only did my shipment come through in all its glory, but I got a call from Make A Wish Foundation offering me an interview for tomorrow. MAWF are a charity who organise "wishes" to come true for Children who are suffering from incurable illnesses/ life threatening conditions. The role I have applied for is "volunteer coordinator" which will involve working from their head office and travelling around the country to regional offices coordinating the volunteer projects to raise money so that children may be a pop star for the day or meet their favourite celebrity. I'm really excited! How rewarding would this job be?

I have to do a 10 minute presentation on how I will communicate and work with the regional offices. I started working on it yesterday and have the main core, today I will get my head down and work on the exact wording and presentation of my ideas. I feel quite confident with my ideas so far, it's just it will be a complete career change for me so I'm just praying that my enthusiasm, personality and strong will, will carry me through to success.

"WISH" me luck...

Santa Claus is coming to town!

I would just like to inform you that my shipment from KL arrives today between 12 and 4pm and I cannot express in words HOW excited I am! After a great run with my sister yesterday and despite yet another rejection for a job (sob) knowing that my worldly possessions arrive today has given me something to be excited about - I can't wait... my beautiful MAC, my amazing books, my beautiful photos, my art work made just for me, my clothes, my shoes and shoes and shoes! My laps, my juke box! Ooooh! :)

You're not my (Facebook) friend

About a year a go, a friend (who i considered to be once, very close to)"removed" me as a friend. How might you ask, can someone "remove" you as a friend? Did she phase you out? Stop texting you? Never call? Never join you for a drink at Starbucks? Well, yes, all of those things, but then, one day (whilst facebook stalking her) I realised, I had been removed, deleted, erased.

At the time I was completely upset by the matter, but truth be told, the girl had been acting kinda strangely and there were some things going on in her life which I believe lead her to disconnect herself from not only me, but many people in her life. So after some time, I built my bride, cried the river and got over it. Done and dusted.

But just the other day I too had reason to remove a "friend". I put friend in inverted commas because it was a guy I met about 3 and a half years ago when I first moved to Hong Kong. We met through an Ex-pat Group and hung out maybe a few times (a few nights out on the piss, bowling with a group of friends, maybe a hike and a coffee) and then he moved back to the UK.

Of course, about 6 months later Facebook evolved and soon people from her, there, past, present, contacted me to be a "friend". So initially, like most people, I was suddenly "friends" with people from school who I hadn't seen in 5 years, girls from my dance school, who I hadn't seen for 10, long distant family members I had never even met... (whoooole other story). And of course, the HK chappy, requested to add me and I so kindly obliged by "accepting".

Over the last few years he would occasionally write on my wall, comment on a photo or status which was fine, but after a while it began to annoy me. Comments like "oh how i miss your lovely smile" when I thought to myself, do you really, actually miss my smile? I mean, do you actually sit and think "Gosh, I really miss her smile today". I probably never even smiled at you anyway! And making strange comments on my status about my personal life which to be fair, he knew nothing about, was kinda.. icky.

So I thought to myself, do you know what, I'll just delete him as a friend, whilst "filtering" my friends last week, and removing people I have now realised probably only added me to have a nose in the first place. So I did it. I thought he probably wouldn't notice. I mean, I have over 300 friends, I really wouldn't notice if someone I hadn't seen in years didn't come up on my news feed. Well, now I have filtered, they wouldn't be on there anyway.

But low and behold this morning I have a friend request, from HIM with a personal message that reads "You deleted me. Sniff sniff :(". WTF?

Firstly, I realise he must have actually been stalking me (as suspected) to notice that I deleted him within a few days of doing so and secondly, why would you reduce yourself to asking someone to re-add you AFTER they have deleted you?

Now, you may be thinking "what a complete bitch" but truth be told, I don't really care what you think but now of course i am stuck with what to do. Do I message him back and say, look, i found some of the things you wrote on my facebook a bit insulting/ weird/ rude/ stalkeresque OR do I re-add him with a "Whoops! My bad!" and add him with a privacy setting so he can never comment again (dammit, should have done that the first time round!) OR do I just ignore his request??

In reality (yes, the real world, where real friendships actually exist where you can't just DELETE some one with the click of a button, try as you might) the chances of me seeing him ever again are slim to none and, I don't WANT to BE his friend... so how?

Please advise. How would you feel if someone you only met half a dozen times and will never see again DELETED you? Quite frankly, I couldn't give a toss. Am I a bitch? Yeh, maybe.

Leave me alone

Everything is an effort. Although I'm happy, everything seems so tiresome and hard work. Even when I'm at my happiest, I get accused of being moody or irritable or erratic. Which I am, all three, but trying very hard not to be.

Even when I'm smiling I get told it's a fake smile. Sometimes it is, but inside there is a real smile trying to come out. When you wind me up just for kicks it pisses me off. When I try to do something nice because i care, it comes across as not being genuine.

I know who i am, stop trying to make me be someone i'm not. I can look after myself, I have always looked after myself. Even all those years before i went away, I was never looked after, i always supported myself. I might not have done it well, I might have mucked up along the way, but inevitably i got there.

I know you care but stop making me feel so useless. I know what I'm doing, everything will work out. Stop pressuring me, let me do what I want, let me live my own life. I can't report to you, you do not own me. I can respect you but I will not live the life of a child - i do not need nurturing. I need to be left alone.

Give me some space, let me breathe.

In other words, just occasionally, fuck off and leave me alone.

Thanks.

Stuck in Limbo

Oh what a week. This week I would say I have been pretty much unbearable to be around. My positive happy attitude went AWOL and my emotions went from wonderfully and blissfully happy to i-hate-you-fuck-off minute by minute.

I just wrote a whole blog entry and deleted with the click of a button, my writing sucks today, head still isn't in the right place to write coherently.

Perhaps it was the shoulder I cried on last night, perhaps sometimes crying releases more emotions than writing. Just occasionally.

I was worried I'd lost a part of me but perhaps I haven't lost it, perhaps I'm just sharing it with someone for the first time in a long while.

I'm writing bullshit today. My general wonderingments are all askew.

Gimmie a few days. I'll be back.

Bored.

Being unemployed really does suck. I know you may already know this, but, I'm just reconfirming that indeed, it does.

The hardest part is to try and find the motivation to look. There are SO many jobs out there, but none of which I want to do. If i was desperate i could start work tomorrow, but alas, I'm holding out for a decent job.

Having said that, I'm getting to my witts end (or, not far off) with it. I'm very fortunate to have such a supportive family, boyfriend and circle of friends. On Monday I'm going to actually drop into my local recruitment agency and have a chat with them and in the meantime, I'm considering some "cash in hand" work down my local pub - the manager goes to our gym and my friends and I know him relatively well.

The good part of all of this, is that although it is getting me down, I still know in my heart, that coming home was the right decision.

No more blogging today, not a lot of inspiration today. Think I'll take a drive down to Starbucks and meet up with my Mum.

Spooning Leads To Forking

Are you the Big Spoon, or, the Little Spoon? Do you even know what I am talking about? Well for those of you who don't, I shall explain.

When lying in bed, together, cuddling up, it is inevitable at one time, that one partner shall have their back to the others front and they shall lie in a "spoon" like position.

As you can see in the picture below, one spoon shall always take the position of the "big" spoon and the other, as the "little" spoon. The big spoon cups the little spoon just like a draw of regular spoons, plastic or china, it don't matter.



As tradition would have it, a woman should always feel safe and secure wrapped up in her man's arms and therefore technically, the man should be the Big Spoon and the lady, well, she is the Little Spoon. The women feels loved, cherished and safe, she has her big man's, strong arms around her and she is nestled snuggly within them.

But what if suddenly the woman became the big spoon? Well the other day, I was accused of being the big spoon, would you believe it! Whilst being truly mortified I had to of course try and justify why i happened to be the "big spoon" that morning, and well, it was simply because HE had rolled over due to the light of the morning coming in through the blinds and I still wanted to cuddle up. so i technically spooned him.

I don't particularly mind cuddling up TO my man, but of course being prefer being cuddled BY him but how DARE you call ME the big spoon! For the love of God, surely you realise the connotations that are involved in calling me the BIG spoon, don't you?

Not only did i feel like a loser, but i suddenly felt like the man in the relationship which is ironic because my man is built like a brick shit house and I'm a tiny little woman... how on earth could i be labelled as the big spoon.

Boys, for the record, always spoon your lady, don't let her spoon you. And remember, most importantly, spooning almost always leads to forking and that can't be done if she is spooning you now, can it...?

Happy Ground - Pete Murray

Happy days are coming my way, its been some time, but here to stay,
Is the life of love Ive found, sends me up on happy ground.
Sleepy head has gone to bed, makes me laugh, face turn red,
Giggling down on the ground, I'll pick you up and spin you around.



Seeing him in concert in LDN August 26th :)

I'm on KRAC

I meant to write about this sooner, but didn't get round to it, which is pretty lame really considering I'm unemployed (yes, still).

To keep me occupied, to spend time with friends and improve my training plan for the half marathon in September I set up a running club with my friends.

On Saturday I managed to rally up 6 of the 12 "members" and we did the 5 mile course around Virginia Waters. It really was fun.

My boy and billy went ahead, with Shrub and I following behind and Butdunc and her man shortly after us. Butdunc's other half carried a video camera around most of the way to record us "in action" - haha can't wait to see how that came out!

Shrub and I beat our personal best by 1min 30, completing the 5 miles in 38.30 mins. The boys beat us by 6 mins and Butdunc and her other half followed shortly behind.

Afterwards we went for a fantastic brunch at this really quaint/ semi posh cafe in Sunningdale. I had a bagel with scrambled egg, avocado and roasted peppers - it was delicious!

I had so much fun. It felt good to do something "normal" with friends, it made me feel settled in my life again. I hope we can all go again soon, I'm gonna push for this Sunday... but we'll see the reaction ;)

On the up, Mada has agreed to do the New York Marathon (Nov 2010) with me. After going on and on about wanting to go to NY and not being able to afford it this year, we're gonna try and kill 2 birds with one stone next year - how utterly awesome???

My New Car

Pictures below of my new car - a Mini One.

I have named her "Tizzicar" or, Tizzi, for short :)

Would you lie to your Mother?

What sort of relationship do you have with your Mother?

I think there are two categories. There's the "Mother & Daughter" relationship and there is the "Friends" relationship. Some people have said that when they reached their late teens/ early 20's they moved out of home and suddenly found that their once "Mother" was now their "best friend".

I do at times wish I had this relationship with my own Mother but alas, I do not. I have the good old fashioned Mother & Daughter relationship and today this was truly evident.

Whilst "fooling around" with The Boy, we, *ahem* inadvertently ripped my duvet cover. Don't ask me how, one minute we were *ahem* and the next, we had ripped the seam of the cover and made a gaping, unrepairable hole of about 2 foot. Shit.

In a complete kerfuffle, after he had left and knowing my Mother was due home any minute, I tried to think of a way of explaining how this unfortunate event had taken place. There was no way I could simply hide it - I've just had my whole room redecorated (in celebration of the grand return home, bless) and well, no, I couldn't get away with it. This cover cost £50 of my Mother's hard earned money - yikes. I felt like a 13 year old girl, all over again. Oh the shame of it.

As she came through the door I busied myself with making some lunch and her a cup of tea (ease her into it). Whilst my back was turned I harped on about my day and then just said "You'll never guess what i did in my sleep last night..." She frowned... "I must have been sleeping really restlessly and somehow (tried best to pull a confused face which I have perfected over the years) ripped my bed sheet..."

Dubiously she headed upstairs to look at the evidence and I made a joke about being worried she was going to "tell me off" (hoho) and she said, "well it wasn't your fault, I thought you were going to tell me you'd been fooling around with The Boy in it" *CRINGE*. I yelled some profanities in embarrassment. Surely that was enough to give me away?

Immediately, in her, straight-to-the-point-manner, she was on the phone to Next making a complaint over the quality of the workmanship and within an hour, we'd been down to our local branch and exchanged for a brand new cover. Hilarious.

A part of me wished that I could have just said "Cor, i was having a right steamy sess over lunch today and ripped my duvet cover"... that would have been the "Best Friend" relationship, but for the foreseeable future, I think we'll keep it with "what a restless sleep".

What would you have done? ;)

Dance like Cheryl Cole

Have you got that Boom Boom POW? or are you a HEARTBREAKER?

Last night my Sister and I went to our first dance class at StreetDanceUK in Reading (I think, I need to double confirm with her) and it was awesome.

The class costs £4.50 and is 1 hour (although with warm up/ cool down you're looking at 45mins max). There were only 4 of us (including ourselves) that attended the class and we were walked through a routine to, my current fdavourite tune, Boom Boom Pow, by the Black Eyed Peas.

The pace was good, the teacher was thorough, friendly and although a great dancer, not intimidating. We had a blast. Of course, we only learnt about 30 seconds worth of the routine, but these steps are fast moving and take time and practice to get it right.

I was pleasently surpised with how well I managed the moves, most of which were odd body pops and shapes which i tend to throw on the dance floor anyway (Bombie can vouch for that, hehe).

Halfway through my Sister turned to me and said, I don't feel like I'm getting the sexiness of it - I told her to untie her hair, even if you can't get the steps right, throwing your sexy long hair about and popping your hips looks pretty hawt anyway.

Am TOTALLY going next week, another hobby added to the list.

Trust & Respect

Trust. If you ask anyone what they think is the most important part of a relationship they will say Trust. If you don't trust one another, how can you share a life together? I don't believe you can.

For me, trust and respect for one another are two key elements that hold a relationship together.

Over the past few weeks the boy has begun to let his guard down, whilst I have very much been aware of not doing so. Why? Well, it's the fear I guess. But of late, my guard seems to be slipping more and more and I am letting him in. Progress, I assure you!

Something of my life which he is not (yet) privy to is my blogging. The main reason is that, well, I'm kinda shy (believe it or not) and also, a blog can sometimes be seen as a diary. Hurt and pain is shared, emotions once so strong and splurged all over the pages are, in a day or two, forgotten inside, but will remain in "ink" until the blog is deleted.

Today I decided, to let him in just a wee bit more, by not sending him my blog ad, but sending him yesterday's entry. Seeing as i constantly talk about blogging, the least i could do is show him some of the material i produce. I mean, i know most of it is pretty lame and I'm never going to become a famous blogger, but I do enjoy writing down my General Wonderingments.

Of course, I'd love to share more and I realise I do write very openly in my blog and it occurred to me yesterday that if he were to read some of the intimate things that I write, he may be hurt that other people are privy to my thoughts, but not he.

Therefore i have a series of options:

- I stop blogging *sob*
- I set a privacy setting so only I can ever access my blog (therefore, what is the point??)
- I write more in my third person narrative (which i do tend to do from time to time)
- I carry on writing in my brutal factual manner and pay the price of hurting a loved one by not having RESPECT for him.

Did I just say "loved one"?

I want to respect... therefore from here on, I chose option 3 to carry on blogging, but maybe disconnect myself somewhat from the intimate feelings displayed in my writing.

At the end of the day my relationship with Mada is 1 million times more important than my relationship with a keyboard.

I don't want to make the same mistakes I have done in the past. I want this one to work out and never end.

Shit, i just did it again. Dammit.

Oh boy...

He advertises that he is available and by the look of what he has to offer you think that you might be a perfect couple.

You apply as per his instruction and he says he's interested but that a lot of other girls are interested in him too, so he'll be in touch. You drop him a quick line, thanking him for considering you as dating material.

You don't hear anything for a few days, but just sit back and try to focus your mind on other men. There are plenty around but this one you would like to take things seriously with. The others would just be meaningless flings, time wasting and unfulfilling.

This is the man you know you want to spend the rest of your life with, even though you have never actually met, face to face. On paper he seems... perfect.

You don't want to come across too keen or needy, that might scare him away. But then after 3 days you think it would just be polite if he could at least let you know if he would or wouldn't like to date you. That's just a common courtesy!!

Should you email or call him? Or just forget he ever existed... You keep checking your emails in case he has contacted you, you check and check and check even though your inbox reads NO NEW MESSAGES.

You take the easy way out and email him (a bit less embarrassing should you get rejected). You let him know that although he hasn't been in touch, you are still really interested and if he could just let you know how he feels about you then you can move on with your life.

It's been 4 hours and he hasn't replied. Why?

All you can do is sit and wait. Why hasn't he emailed? Why hasn't he called? Why doesn't he like me? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME???

...

...

...

Maybe, he's just not that into you.

- It's a pain in the arse waiting to hear about a job, isn't it?

Mind Control

You can feel that old sensation seeping in
It crawls in through your skin and seeps into your mind
You try to shake it off, ignore it, pretend it doesn't exist
But it's there hovering at your surface

You can try hard to over ride it but its persistence will ultimately test you
Just because you're back physically doesn't mean the mental torture is there too
You're a changed person, you're not who you were
You're stronger than this, you can beat it
Cut it off now, before it cuts you.

This & That

Saturday night was a break from the boy, after attending a gathering with over 50 of his family. It was hard work but at the same time, interesting to meet so many people!

I went out to Hed Kandi in Windsor, with the girls and in all honesty, it's not something I intend to do again, anytime soon. Events of the evening lead me to believe that the majority of the girls still behave like stroppy, bitchy little 18 year olds.

Once home I text Mada to let him know i was home safe and sound - yes, I have to do this now(!) and he called to check on me, after about 1 word, my voice cracked and little tears streamed out as I told him how much i missed partying with my KL friends. Sigh, why do these girls have to be so difficult and turn the whole night into cat fights, competitive races for the hottest guy and general immature behaviour?

I guess it didn't help that i was sober and wired up on Red Bull, but I chose not to drink. Quite glad I didn't drink as it just so happened, I cannot control my tongue under the influence of alcohol at the best of times.

Have spoken to HK Roz on skype yesterday and with my family, I have decided to "faze" these "girls" (and they really are) out and concentrate on the friendships I have which are more worthy (i.e Shrub, Mada, ButDunc, the boys and the like).

On the up, Mada tried to cheer me up yesterday (and was successful). We went for an awesome workout together and then he took me out for a really delicious pub lunch in Perbright. A really old fashioned pub, with low wooden beams and a real fire place :) And so, in true Mada *cheeeeese* style, he finally officially asked me to be his "girlfriend" which, after teasing for him a while, I accepted. After that we went home and curled up on the sofa - he watched the golf open and i snuggled up in his arms and read a book. In the evening we went over to my sisters for dinner, with my other cousins and their girlfriends/ wives. It was a great day.

So life is still not really stable, I'm praying to God I hear back on the interview for the *dream job* in the next couple of days. In the meantime, I'll keep working out (have lost a ridiculous amount of fat from working out 7 days a week), blog, facebook and keep searching for jobs. Not long now, I really hope.

Untidy Garden

Why is it so hard to get a Brazilian wax in this country, or more specifically, Surrey? Is everyone too prim and proper to go full frontal :P

I decided last week it was about time I had a tidy up and after searching around for a beauty salon that will wax me bare, Budunc recommended a place called Truly Scrumptious in Farnborough.

I managed to speak with them today but they were fully booked until the end of NEXT WEEK - how insane is that? At least it shows they must be doing something right!

Well anyway, I called my local beauticians up who, as it turns out, do "Brazilian" waxing but i don't think they do the *ahem* sensitive areas... but we'll see, I'm going later today.

Seriously, don't people like to maintain a good appearance? Dear God. I pity the fool who goes near one.

I failed myself.

Oh crap.

So, I had the interview at the school yesterday. It was with the assistant head and a random woman (governing body?).

It went really well and I felt really confident over all the answers i gave over their strictly regimented questioning.

I got a call in the afternoon saying that they had good new and bad news. First of all they gave me the feedback and said that my interview was (and i quote here) "superb" and that I came across lovely, confident, my answers were well thought through bla bla BLAAAAAAAAA but then, that they were not going to offer me the position as they had two women that could co-share the position who had been TA's before - Waaaah :(

On the up though, they have told me that if i would like to pursue my GTP then they are happy to sponsor me for work experience with them, which was a very generous offer which I was appreciative of.

Can't say I'm not disappointed, but now of course, everything hangs in the balance with the other job now. Which I doubt I'll hear further on until NEXT week. So I guess I have to start looking again, it's so tiresome.

What is meant to be, will be.

Mr Big & Carrie

Whilst watching SATC, he lay with his head on my lap whilst I tickled him softly - it was a fair compromise.

With his eyes shut, and her eyes on the TV, the following conversation takes place:

"So which SATC character are you?"

"I'm Carrie"

"Oh really? I'd put you more as a Charlotte - not that I watch it or anything! Haha"

"No, I'm Carrie, because she searches for love but keeps going back to Mr Big and one day, they work things out - see, I'm Carrie and you're Mr Big"

Later...

(Whilst still watching SATC, she yells at the TV) "But Mr Big DOES love you Carrie!!"

(With eyes still shut) "Yes, Mr Big does love Carrie"


Longest silence in the history of mankind follows.

Thinking Too Much

I freaked out last night.

I don't know what it is, and I do. The last few days when we have been together Mada has said to me that I look like I'm constantly "thinking" or about to say something and then hold back.

The truth is, I can't really believe how lucky I am and now, I am getting the fear, the fear of rejection. What if I finally, well and truly, let me guard down and then he breaks my heart, again? This time it would be breakable beyond repair.

He keeps reassuring me that he won't, he won't leave me, ever. It scares the shit out of me.

Owh, I'm annoyed!

Aiyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. So now, the Dream Job has come back to me, acknowledging my application but also saying that the interview (if selected) will not be held until 28th July... that's 2 weeks away!

Whilst it's aggravating, Butdunc has saved my sanity by telling me that she went on their website and that they have extended the closing date til next week. Therefore, whilst their email said they had received a large number of applications the website suggests otherwise - hence her logic was that maybe not enough people have applied - I hope so hunni, but then surely they should have just looked at my application and wanted me straight away - no?? ;)

The thing that worries me is that what if i get offered the school position and have to tell them yes/ no BEFORE I have the interview with the other company. Do I just say yes and then, if I get offered the other job, back out of the contract? Or do I risk it and not accept - if offered at all??

Why do situations always have to be like this? - If any one turns and says to me that it is a test from above, I'll smack 'em. Is there any one listening up there? Have i not been tested enough? :)

Meanwhile, I was woken up several times last night. Why you ask? Because every time Mada woke up he moved across the bed to cuddle up to me.

I can't understand it. Can someone really want to be with you that much?

Well, I like it. Even if I am tired.

Feeling Blue

I feel really, really down today and I don't know why...

Job hunting is progressing, Mada and I are doing well, I'm on the way to getting a car and I even ran 10 miles in 1hour 29mins with my sister today.

Maybe it's lack of sleep, every night this week I've been at Mada's and we've just been up until about 3am each time talking about us, the past, the future. It's amazing how well you can know some one but still, there is so much more to learn.

Maybe we talked too much about my past, Mada knows about my history but talking about it all kinda brought it all back, so maybe that's why I have plummeted down. But he was so lovely and wanted to understand more about it. I'm never scared to talk to him, just takes me a while to open up, and I will, in time and he knows that.

I'm sure a good meal and bottle of wine (with Mada and friends) and a good night's sleep will help. We're of to an Italian Restaurant in Virginia Waters - very nice place.

Our friends have just bought their house together so we are having a little celebration.

You've been Tangoed?

My sister is training to be a beautician and got her qualification up in London today to perform "Fake Bake". Some how, I have been "volunteered" as her first "practice" client on Saturday.

Whilst I don't really mind (it's my Sister, you do these things for them) I am kinda still nicely tanned from Vietnam and well, if things go wrong, I could be looking rather, um, orange.

Oh well, it only lasts a week and it's safer than getting skin cancer... I guess.

:)

Dream Job Dillema

Hhhm.

So, i got the interview for the Learning Support Assistant (TA) job, it's this coming Wednesday. Which is great. But, I have this niggling feeling now of whether or not i really want to throw myself into this whole new career.

I have applied for another job, and it is, the DREAM job.

In a nutshell, the title is Programme Coordinator and its for a charity/ company who organise experiences for young adults (age 17-25) to travel abroad and teach. Their head office is in Reading but they have sub offices in Australia and NZ.

The job would involve managing the programmes, the people on them, prepping the young adults and their families on what to expect, keeping in contact with them whilst they're out in the field, relaying with embassies - the works. It's like, the perfect job.

I get to deal with all the things I have done and would love for other people to experience and i get to organise it all for them and share their experience, whilst getting to stay put here - but with the possibility of short trips to the sites and sub offices - fantastic! The best of both!

The job requires someone who has a degree, managerial experience and travelled/ lived abroad - all of which i have done. I am just praying that my testimony in the app will get me through. I sent the ap today and tomorrow is the closing date.

If I could just simply get the interview for next week and then find out at the same time if either will make an offer, life would be brilliant. I really want this job, I mean, the teaching would be great and I'm comfortable with taking that career path but this, this would just be simply awesome.

Please God, help me succeed. Work has been so hard to so long, I'd love to have this opportunity to be able to know, feel and say "i love my job".

Fingers and toes crossed :)

A Mouse with a Cat Problem

This is what everybody is laughing over in the UK lately. It's so dam funny. It's a programme on E4 (but I've only seen it on youtube so far...)




Try searching "fonejacker" for more funnies from the same programme :)

Chi Sin Gweilo!!

A few close friends went to an "Asian Fusion" restaurant on Friday night. As it transpires all of the staff were of a Chinese Descent.

Suddenly my friend pipes up with "Chi sin gweilo!" and i burst out laughing! Everyone turned to me saying, what, what did he say?? Through hysterics (as my friend has even been to any Chinese speaking country) I said, he just called me a crazy man!

One thing led to another and before i knew it, i was rolling out one word profanities and one liners to my friends. So every time we got served, one opf them would say "mg goi" or "gum xia" or "xia xia" Wahaha.

The waiting staff were in hysterics and word soon got round that the (drunken) foursome at the end of the restaurant spoke Cantonese and other Chinese dialects. It just so happened that fortunately enough, I could understand EVERYTHING that the restaurant manager said! So when I replied with "Hoe sik" my friends were DESPERATE to know what we were saying :)

Next I got Bombies on the phone (poor girl, I was hammered, she had probably just got up) and had her translating on the phone for me - WHAT a hoot!

The rest of the weekend continued in a similar fashion, with playing Wii at the boy's house and travelling up to Oxford to go to Bicester Village to look at discount designers. I came back with a lip gloss (MAC) and a heavy heart after trying on a dress reduced from £600 to £200 that I HAD to say no to :(



~ the candy stripped one... sigh...

In the evening we all went for Curry, a buffet for all you can eat £12.95. I gave up with Tamil. I only know "Venakam" ;)

Weekend Anthem...

His favourite Coldplay song. My colour eyes.

They flutter, constantly.

He calls his girlfriend because a programme on TV is showing off an amazing old fashioned house. She picks up the phone and they watch it together, whilst on the phone to one another. She loves every detail of the house. So does he.

2 days later...

It goes a little something like this...

"I keep thinking about that dream house" (serious tone)

"Well then i need to get a second job organised. Maybe i should sell my body on the street, at least i won't get taxed for that" (jokes)

"I don't want you to sleep with anyone else so please don't do that" (jokes)

"OK, well, how long are you going to keep this up for? because we seriously need more cash" (jokes)

Pause.

"forever" (serious)

...

...

...

"um, shut up you idiot" (blushes, diverts eyes, smiles, butterflies in tummy)

Oh those Chavs...

ButDunc and i went down The Quays in Mytchett on Tuesday night. Man I love that place. A pub, right out on the lake, the sun was pouring down on us whilst we gossiped for hours about love and life.

As it got late we had cravings for McDonald's Chocolate Fudge Sundaes but as they don't sell them in Blighty (and why the fuck not??) we went to get McFlurries instead (which are nice but NOTHING in comparison).

As we drove up to the second drive-through (as the first had run out - wtf?) I suggested we just ate in the car as we were listening to some good music and were comfy - hoho! But to my horror the car park was absolutely FULL of chavs!!

Chavs of all shapes and sizes, smoking, drinking cider out of a bottle, throwing McDonald's wrappers EVERYWHERE, jumping on one another cars, swearing... I screamed at Butdunc to close the goddammutherfunky windows and lock the doors - I'm so scared of them! haha.

In the end we decided to drive to the Homebase Car park (which was empty) and eat our delicious ice creams in peace, chav free.

For Malaysians who do not know what chavs are, please find the following reference:

He IS into you

You're the exception to the rule. You are.

- ButDunc, thank you for saving me from becoming truley suicidal today.

Also

On another note, I need to get a job.

So this is what it's like...

Finally, I am remembering how it feels to be in a REAL relationship. After my disastrous emotionally abusive "relationship" in Hong Kong and then the shagless wonder (aka Blanks) in KL, I am finally in a mature relationship, which includes having respect for one another and oh, caring for one another. And not being afraid to show it.

It had been so long (3 and a half years if i am precise) since my last "proper" long term relationship I'd almost forgotten what is supposed to happen and how to behave.

... I love that you text me to see how my day is going, i love that even though i have seen you every day since I've been back, I felt like i missed you when i didn't see you yesterday. I love that I could tell you that over the phone last night when you called to say good night...

It really is that easy. No games, no messing about. You like me and i like you. It really is that easy and it feels great.

Something smells funny

I was sitting in my garden just the other day and suddenly got a wiff of sperm. I kinda frowned and wondered where on earth it was coming from (pardon the pun). It was weird it was definitely a jizz like smell, and it was strong.

Later in the day I met with Mada and as we walked down the street he said "Cor, can you smell the cum tree?" and i yelped out "So I'm not imagining it! The air DOES smell of JIZZ!"

Apparently there are these trees growing in our village that, in the summer or high humidity (if you can call England humid) let off a scent, much like the smell of sperm. I googled it this morning and found some various on line explanations...

From what i read, it is the Chestnut Tree that produces a liquid in the summer that releases this interesting fragrance. There is also reference to a tree called the Bradford Pear tree found commonly on the West Coast of America that smells as equally as funky.

How bizarre and slightly unpleasant.

Fluffy Pink Clouds

Whilst on the subject of "happiness" Mada is playing the role of "boyfriend" extremely well. Starting with saving my life last night after an upset at home, which resulted in his requirement of a rescue. And then, by calling me about an hour before my appointment this morning and wishing me luck - good lad ;)

Yesterday we had a BBQ around my friends house and Mada's best friend and I (also one of my good friends) had a D&M. Haha. They are all so happy over our "relationship" and I am too.

Things are going from strength to strength, starting with a surprise party that him, Butdunc and Shrub organised for me on Saturday and then the BBQ yesterday.

Last night I couldn't stop cuddling him tight and smiling, I am so happy that we are FINALLY together. He keeps saying "it just feels natural, doesn't it?" I have to say, i totally agree. I am one happy bunny. It feels good, to feel so happy. It's been a long time.

An appointment with the Headmaster...

I had my appointment with the Head of the School this morning, which subsequently turned into an offer of applying for the School's Teacher Assistant position, starting this September - :):):)

Harris explained to me that an advert (a one liner) has gone into the local newspaper but as he already had me in mind he will send me the application forms directly (inadvertently implied that I will be given priority on the position).

Should i get the job I will literally be working about 25 hours a week (in at 9 and out by 3.15) everyday with no "after school" additional work, which means that although I will be taking an astronomical pay cut, I will be in a position to take on a second job to keep some form of income coming in and to pay my parents rent.

He also explained that as a TA for the School they will then be able to sponsor me to undertake the PGCE which, in Layman's terms means that I will not have to pay any tuition fees whilst studying for the year (at either Reading or Guildford) AND possibly they financially support me?? I'll need to look into it.

What a positive start to the week. I can't believe I've been back 10 days and things are going so well, so far. I'm so happy. I pray to God that I will be given this opportunity and start a new career in something I am truly passionate about.

One small step for Bubs... one giant leap for my self esteem :)

One White Glove

OMG, i can't believe Michael Jackson died last night. Gutted.

Strangely enough, I was clearing out my wardrobe (before my Mother really lost the plot at me!) and came across my Michael Jackson Tshirt that I wore to his HIStory concert many moons ago (when was it, 1995??). I yelled out to the rentals "I've found my Michael Jackson Tshirt - I'm SO wearing it to his concert!" holding it up and chuckling to myself, I couldn't believe i use to wear this tshirt out and about, my walls were once smothered in his posters and there was always an MJ tune blaring out of my stereo.

My Step Dad yelled back from downstairs "Well, that's if he turns up for the concerts!". I yelled some jokey profanities down the stairs such as "Don't diss the King, man!" and smiled as i folded up the tshirt and put it in my draw.. a part of me had some doubt that the concert(s) would happen but thought nothing more of it.

Later in the evening ButDunc text me saying that it didn't look like we'd be seeing Michael - I switched on the news and the breaking headlines was that he had been admitted to hospital following a heart attack - gasp! Perhaps a publicity stunt? Or a severe case of indigestion??? I could only hope.

As i crawled into bed later that night i got a text from my sister "Michael Jackson dead? WTF??" and then a call from Mada straight after, checking I knew - everyone knows the avid fan i am... I couldn't believe it. I kept telling him how upset i was and I could almost here Mada smiling as he started singing "Billie Jean" (my favourite) to cheer me up in his "Michael Jackson" voice. Stupid boy!!

Eventually i told him i wanted to get out of bed and watch the news. Some said he was in a coma, others dead. Eventually it was confirmed, he had died of a heart attack :(

A few of my friends text, equally as shocked, funnily enough - EVERYBODY's FB status was about MJ dying and of course this morning as i woke, most channels were covering his story.

Funny how just a year ago every channel was calling him a paedophile and now they all refer to him as "A legend". Well, whatever they say, I bloody loved him and his music and am totally gutted that he is gone, at the age of 50.

One day I'll be playing his music to my kids and telling them all about the pop icon who was once black and turned white and how he was my favourite performer of all time.. RIP Mr Jackson. You rock(ed) my world!

xxx

(See entry dated: March 11th 2009 - Moonwalking on air)

Yes, WE are a "couple".

He told them. Well, he told two of the boys and apparently they are all in disbelief that they didn't work it out sooner... one of the boys kept pausing for thought and repetitively saying "you sly dog, how did i not see this??" and have already started planning "couples" holidays - lol.

I feel a little relieved, as although i was personally happy to wait for things to settle down for a few weeks, Mada has found his testicles and made the first move in letting people know that we are "together". I'm good with that, I don't want a big drama, just let things fall into place.

It's weird, i don't really feel any different. Leaving his house and kissing him goodbye feels as natural as anything. I guess it's been a long time coming and inside, I've always felt like he was mine and now, not only i will know...

:)

Life After Braces...

How my life has changed....

- I wear a retainer every night and brush it clean with an old toothbrush and toothpaste every morning.
- After my first brush, floss and mouthwash of the day I examine each tooth in the mirror to check they haven't moved or discoloured in anyway whatsoever (OCD)
- So far, the minimum number of times i have brushed my teeth in 1 day is 4.
- Yesterday I brushed my teeth 7 times.
- Every time i talk to someone i find myself looking at their teeth and smugly thinking "Yup, my teeth are nicer than yours now".
- I can whistle again
- The sensation in my front teeth have come back and i can bite into food (although, haven't tried an apple yet)
- My nightmares of my front two teeth falling out have stopped
- I love my teeth and smile at EVERY opportunity