1 step 4ward 2 steps back

I lost it last night. Completely and utterly. I have no idea what triggered it. It's been an OK week, as far as the weeks go over here.

Took my Gran for lunch Monday, had an awesome 10 mile run Tuesday and a right laugh over dinner with Butdunc on Tuesday evening. Discovered I have some money hiding away that i forgot about yesterday, followed by a night of acoustic guitar/ singing at our local pub with friends. If I was working I'd say life was bliss.

After still not hearing anything from MAWF (who, to be honest can go fuck themselves now- unless of course they do offer me a job for some absurd reason in which case I'd probably still take it as I'm so desperate), despite emailing them to ask if the position has now been filled and if they could give me some feedback on my interview, I ended up stumbling across Office Angels website and saw that they accepted applications to work FOR them. I've always had my eye in the background on working in recruitment as a backup plan so thought fuck it, i'll just send my CV with a short cover note.

Low and behold whilst at the gym yesterday evening I got a voicemail from them showing interest. I called back this morning and eventually spoke with the branch manager who advised me that although they had already shortlisted their applicants if i could "sell myself" to him then and there, they may consider me too. I tried my best, he sounded keen and asked me to forward on my CV.

We wait.

So I lost it last night, back to that. I don't know what happened, I drove the guys home from the pub who were all pretty half cut and for some reason I just generally felt pissed off with the boyfriend. After wishing me a "happy anniversary" in the morning (bite me, i forgot) I thought I'd make him a picnic in my garden over lunch as it was warm and sunny yesterday. Alas, he called at 1.30 and couldn't make it. He wasn't to know I'd gone to the trouble and spent many a penny on nice food for him, but i was pissed off.

Then when i told him of the call from OA he was interested and enthusiastic but I guess, well, it might not be the dream job but my self esteem is so low right now I could have done with more encouragement. He did give me encouragement though, but it was too late, I was already in the "moody" zone to notice.

By the time i dropped him home he asked if i wanted to stay over, I said no and good bye and as I left I wheelspinned off (which i doubt was appreciated by his quiet little road at 1am) and went on a massive/ reckless drive down the motorway to clear my head. I drove and drove until I felt like I could breathe again. I felt angry and I have no idea why.

Actually i do. I think I'm just freaking out again, God, I am so CRAP at relationships. I think, at the moment all i have to look forward to on a daily basis is seeing him, he makes my day great and I feel like I'm putting all my dependency on him. Which is stupid because I KNOW how much of an independent person i am. I guess, I'm not really angry at him, I'm angry at myself. I can feel myself losing ME, and becoming someone's OTHER HALF. But that's what i wanted... I just have to learn how to handle it. No one has wanted to be my other half in so long, I'm not sure I really know how to even do it.

I came home and for the first time in 9 weeks, I read the bible and I read the passages that Bombies engraved in my heart. It soothed me and after laying in bed, staring at the ceiling trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me, I fell asleep, waking early this morning to attend a gym class to try and shake off those lingering wonderingments.

I dunno if it was because I prayed last night, I don't know if it's The Secret that I am reading or the CD's that play in my head. Things are changing, I know it and it's going to take a long time to get comfortable with it, even once the change is made and the handover complete.

I just hope I can get through these next few weeks, because if I'm honest with you, I'm struggling to win this battle against myself. I yearn for the security and misery I was in before I left my company, at least I knew what to expect.

But as that famous saying goes, the fear of doing something is often more fearful than the ACTUAL doing.

Til next time.