If it is possible for your heart to physically skip a beat when you have nothing clinically wrong with you, then mine did last night...
... those words.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Another day... another application
OK, OK, you'll be pleased to know I think I have snapped out of my state of utter depression and desperation after actually talking to my boyfriend. Dam him and his "you never tell me how you're feeling" bollocks. He is right, when you talk, you feel better about how you feel, why is he always right? Bah!
Whilst still waiting to hear back from OA and receiving the official rejection from MAWF (story of my life) I have applied for a job as a sales co-ordinator with a local radio station. Who would have thought that I'd even consider going full circle and going back to my roots?
Imagine if this worked out... no I mustn't let my mind wonder, but I do have a good feeling, then again I seem to say that about every job.. but this one... ooooh I dunno, something feels good about it. Lets hope and continue to pray.
TGIF. Time to spend hours of fun with family and friends!
See ya next week, I'll try and think of something interesting to write about other than just my life. As appealing as it is, I'm sure.
Whilst still waiting to hear back from OA and receiving the official rejection from MAWF (story of my life) I have applied for a job as a sales co-ordinator with a local radio station. Who would have thought that I'd even consider going full circle and going back to my roots?
Imagine if this worked out... no I mustn't let my mind wonder, but I do have a good feeling, then again I seem to say that about every job.. but this one... ooooh I dunno, something feels good about it. Lets hope and continue to pray.
TGIF. Time to spend hours of fun with family and friends!
See ya next week, I'll try and think of something interesting to write about other than just my life. As appealing as it is, I'm sure.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
1 step 4ward 2 steps back
I lost it last night. Completely and utterly. I have no idea what triggered it. It's been an OK week, as far as the weeks go over here.
Took my Gran for lunch Monday, had an awesome 10 mile run Tuesday and a right laugh over dinner with Butdunc on Tuesday evening. Discovered I have some money hiding away that i forgot about yesterday, followed by a night of acoustic guitar/ singing at our local pub with friends. If I was working I'd say life was bliss.
After still not hearing anything from MAWF (who, to be honest can go fuck themselves now- unless of course they do offer me a job for some absurd reason in which case I'd probably still take it as I'm so desperate), despite emailing them to ask if the position has now been filled and if they could give me some feedback on my interview, I ended up stumbling across Office Angels website and saw that they accepted applications to work FOR them. I've always had my eye in the background on working in recruitment as a backup plan so thought fuck it, i'll just send my CV with a short cover note.
Low and behold whilst at the gym yesterday evening I got a voicemail from them showing interest. I called back this morning and eventually spoke with the branch manager who advised me that although they had already shortlisted their applicants if i could "sell myself" to him then and there, they may consider me too. I tried my best, he sounded keen and asked me to forward on my CV.
We wait.
So I lost it last night, back to that. I don't know what happened, I drove the guys home from the pub who were all pretty half cut and for some reason I just generally felt pissed off with the boyfriend. After wishing me a "happy anniversary" in the morning (bite me, i forgot) I thought I'd make him a picnic in my garden over lunch as it was warm and sunny yesterday. Alas, he called at 1.30 and couldn't make it. He wasn't to know I'd gone to the trouble and spent many a penny on nice food for him, but i was pissed off.
Then when i told him of the call from OA he was interested and enthusiastic but I guess, well, it might not be the dream job but my self esteem is so low right now I could have done with more encouragement. He did give me encouragement though, but it was too late, I was already in the "moody" zone to notice.
By the time i dropped him home he asked if i wanted to stay over, I said no and good bye and as I left I wheelspinned off (which i doubt was appreciated by his quiet little road at 1am) and went on a massive/ reckless drive down the motorway to clear my head. I drove and drove until I felt like I could breathe again. I felt angry and I have no idea why.
Actually i do. I think I'm just freaking out again, God, I am so CRAP at relationships. I think, at the moment all i have to look forward to on a daily basis is seeing him, he makes my day great and I feel like I'm putting all my dependency on him. Which is stupid because I KNOW how much of an independent person i am. I guess, I'm not really angry at him, I'm angry at myself. I can feel myself losing ME, and becoming someone's OTHER HALF. But that's what i wanted... I just have to learn how to handle it. No one has wanted to be my other half in so long, I'm not sure I really know how to even do it.
I came home and for the first time in 9 weeks, I read the bible and I read the passages that Bombies engraved in my heart. It soothed me and after laying in bed, staring at the ceiling trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me, I fell asleep, waking early this morning to attend a gym class to try and shake off those lingering wonderingments.
I dunno if it was because I prayed last night, I don't know if it's The Secret that I am reading or the CD's that play in my head. Things are changing, I know it and it's going to take a long time to get comfortable with it, even once the change is made and the handover complete.
I just hope I can get through these next few weeks, because if I'm honest with you, I'm struggling to win this battle against myself. I yearn for the security and misery I was in before I left my company, at least I knew what to expect.
But as that famous saying goes, the fear of doing something is often more fearful than the ACTUAL doing.
Til next time.
Took my Gran for lunch Monday, had an awesome 10 mile run Tuesday and a right laugh over dinner with Butdunc on Tuesday evening. Discovered I have some money hiding away that i forgot about yesterday, followed by a night of acoustic guitar/ singing at our local pub with friends. If I was working I'd say life was bliss.
After still not hearing anything from MAWF (who, to be honest can go fuck themselves now- unless of course they do offer me a job for some absurd reason in which case I'd probably still take it as I'm so desperate), despite emailing them to ask if the position has now been filled and if they could give me some feedback on my interview, I ended up stumbling across Office Angels website and saw that they accepted applications to work FOR them. I've always had my eye in the background on working in recruitment as a backup plan so thought fuck it, i'll just send my CV with a short cover note.
Low and behold whilst at the gym yesterday evening I got a voicemail from them showing interest. I called back this morning and eventually spoke with the branch manager who advised me that although they had already shortlisted their applicants if i could "sell myself" to him then and there, they may consider me too. I tried my best, he sounded keen and asked me to forward on my CV.
We wait.
So I lost it last night, back to that. I don't know what happened, I drove the guys home from the pub who were all pretty half cut and for some reason I just generally felt pissed off with the boyfriend. After wishing me a "happy anniversary" in the morning (bite me, i forgot) I thought I'd make him a picnic in my garden over lunch as it was warm and sunny yesterday. Alas, he called at 1.30 and couldn't make it. He wasn't to know I'd gone to the trouble and spent many a penny on nice food for him, but i was pissed off.
Then when i told him of the call from OA he was interested and enthusiastic but I guess, well, it might not be the dream job but my self esteem is so low right now I could have done with more encouragement. He did give me encouragement though, but it was too late, I was already in the "moody" zone to notice.
By the time i dropped him home he asked if i wanted to stay over, I said no and good bye and as I left I wheelspinned off (which i doubt was appreciated by his quiet little road at 1am) and went on a massive/ reckless drive down the motorway to clear my head. I drove and drove until I felt like I could breathe again. I felt angry and I have no idea why.
Actually i do. I think I'm just freaking out again, God, I am so CRAP at relationships. I think, at the moment all i have to look forward to on a daily basis is seeing him, he makes my day great and I feel like I'm putting all my dependency on him. Which is stupid because I KNOW how much of an independent person i am. I guess, I'm not really angry at him, I'm angry at myself. I can feel myself losing ME, and becoming someone's OTHER HALF. But that's what i wanted... I just have to learn how to handle it. No one has wanted to be my other half in so long, I'm not sure I really know how to even do it.
I came home and for the first time in 9 weeks, I read the bible and I read the passages that Bombies engraved in my heart. It soothed me and after laying in bed, staring at the ceiling trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me, I fell asleep, waking early this morning to attend a gym class to try and shake off those lingering wonderingments.
I dunno if it was because I prayed last night, I don't know if it's The Secret that I am reading or the CD's that play in my head. Things are changing, I know it and it's going to take a long time to get comfortable with it, even once the change is made and the handover complete.
I just hope I can get through these next few weeks, because if I'm honest with you, I'm struggling to win this battle against myself. I yearn for the security and misery I was in before I left my company, at least I knew what to expect.
But as that famous saying goes, the fear of doing something is often more fearful than the ACTUAL doing.
Til next time.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Train & Tan???
For many men and women across the UK, summertime is about getting a summer tan. Some use sunbeds, others fake tan, occasionally spray-on or fake bake, but for me, I like the good old fashioned UVA infested sun.
Despite being back for nearly 9 weeks I haven't actually had the opportunity to lie in the sun. Firstly being that we haven't really had much of a summer yet, but secondly, on the days when we do, I seem to be recklessly searching the world of the Internet for jobs and feeling discouraged and crappy and spending the last few hours of daylight in the gym pumping out my aggression and frustration.
However, to my disbelief I noticed something rather odd and somewhat horrifying this morning. Whilst moisturising those hard-to-reach bits of my back, I glanced over my shoulder into the mirror to ensure it was all rubbed in and suddenly, glaring back at me were the most hideous tan lines that ever graced planet earth!
No, they weren't streaks of orange, or bright red burnt bits, they were nothing less than my sports bra strap marks THICK and criss-crossed across my upper back. Not. Sexy. HOW in God's name has this happened??
Well, as I say, despite the lack of glorious sunshine, come rain or shine (mostly drizzle/ cloud) I venture out with my Sister once weekly (sometimes twice) for a long run which usually exceeds 1 hour. So, over the last 9 weeks I have obviously gained some sort of "natural glow" (you might call it) from being in the day light and not cooped up in an office (OK, OK, we all know I don't work in an office) OR dingy house.
Whilst of course I am happy that I still have a warm sunny look to my skin i am really not a fan of the big, fat and somewhat lesbianesque strap marks on my back. It looks ridiculous and is only going to become more prominent the more i train for this dam half marathon (remind me again why I run)?
Now, if Nike or Lululemon designed a strapless sports bra then we'd be talking. Hhhmmm, new career idea?
Maybe not.
Despite being back for nearly 9 weeks I haven't actually had the opportunity to lie in the sun. Firstly being that we haven't really had much of a summer yet, but secondly, on the days when we do, I seem to be recklessly searching the world of the Internet for jobs and feeling discouraged and crappy and spending the last few hours of daylight in the gym pumping out my aggression and frustration.
However, to my disbelief I noticed something rather odd and somewhat horrifying this morning. Whilst moisturising those hard-to-reach bits of my back, I glanced over my shoulder into the mirror to ensure it was all rubbed in and suddenly, glaring back at me were the most hideous tan lines that ever graced planet earth!
No, they weren't streaks of orange, or bright red burnt bits, they were nothing less than my sports bra strap marks THICK and criss-crossed across my upper back. Not. Sexy. HOW in God's name has this happened??
Well, as I say, despite the lack of glorious sunshine, come rain or shine (mostly drizzle/ cloud) I venture out with my Sister once weekly (sometimes twice) for a long run which usually exceeds 1 hour. So, over the last 9 weeks I have obviously gained some sort of "natural glow" (you might call it) from being in the day light and not cooped up in an office (OK, OK, we all know I don't work in an office) OR dingy house.
Whilst of course I am happy that I still have a warm sunny look to my skin i am really not a fan of the big, fat and somewhat lesbianesque strap marks on my back. It looks ridiculous and is only going to become more prominent the more i train for this dam half marathon (remind me again why I run)?
Now, if Nike or Lululemon designed a strapless sports bra then we'd be talking. Hhhmmm, new career idea?
Maybe not.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Need to sort my life out
It's the start of a new week and no word from MAWF. I wait with baited breath.
This week I have given myself the target of signing up and registering my CV etc with more recruitment agencies. Currently I follow three but I know at least half a dozen more I can sign with.
I'm going to set myself a daily agenda of sites to search through and jobs to apply for. Have GOT to get a job... it's nearly September.
I have my Sister's birthday, my Gran's 90th and the boyfriend's birthday coming up and I want to make a special effort for all three, and sometimes effort = spending money.
The weekend was awesome. No, I retract that, Saturday night/ Sunday morning was awesome. A bunch of us went clubbing in Kingston and my god did we have fun, can't wait to see some pics. As the rentals were away, Mada stayed over and for the first time ever, we had the whole place to ourselves and so laid in bed for yonks and then i made us a big fat brekkie. Was perfect and so nice to be properly alone and not worry about the rest of our families being here or there.
I have made a promise to myself that once I start work, I'm giving myself 3 months and then I'm going to start looking into buying a place. *Smiles* I hope I'll be buying it with someone... we've talked about it quite a bit and the way things are going, I hope that 2010 will be a great year after this... interesting year.
This week I have given myself the target of signing up and registering my CV etc with more recruitment agencies. Currently I follow three but I know at least half a dozen more I can sign with.
I'm going to set myself a daily agenda of sites to search through and jobs to apply for. Have GOT to get a job... it's nearly September.
I have my Sister's birthday, my Gran's 90th and the boyfriend's birthday coming up and I want to make a special effort for all three, and sometimes effort = spending money.
The weekend was awesome. No, I retract that, Saturday night/ Sunday morning was awesome. A bunch of us went clubbing in Kingston and my god did we have fun, can't wait to see some pics. As the rentals were away, Mada stayed over and for the first time ever, we had the whole place to ourselves and so laid in bed for yonks and then i made us a big fat brekkie. Was perfect and so nice to be properly alone and not worry about the rest of our families being here or there.
I have made a promise to myself that once I start work, I'm giving myself 3 months and then I'm going to start looking into buying a place. *Smiles* I hope I'll be buying it with someone... we've talked about it quite a bit and the way things are going, I hope that 2010 will be a great year after this... interesting year.
Friday, August 14, 2009
And so, the premier league begins...
As of tomorrow my relationship with my boyfriend will take on a new dimension. Are you moving in together? No. Are you getting engaged? Heck no. Perhaps I should be more specific.
As of tomorrow, Wives and Girlfriends relationships with their Husbands and Boyfriends, all over the world, will take on a new dimension.
Tomorrow, the Premiership begins.
Tomorrow, us lovely ladies, the ones they wine and dine, that they lie in bed with on a Saturday morning, that they make love to and tell that there is nothing more that they want/ love/ need in the world, will fade into the background and become, the second most important thing in their partner's life.
No one can quite prepare us for the change ahead. Try as we might to be involved in the football - we'll watch the highlights, text our boyfriends for a score update, listen to them rant and rave about the referee's poor judgement over a red card, nod in agreement and frown in confusion, attempt to remember who plays which position and what that bloody off-side rule is. WE (the female race) shall not compare with that of their team. Or in my case, the mighty Blues, Chelsea FC.
What can we do over this 9 month period of time, where our once beloved partners disappear for days, evenings at a time and return to us, beer-bellied and full of testosterone?
Not a lot, just wait for that day in May to finally arrive. NO. You're wrong my friend!
Well for one, perhaps we could try and appreciate our partners love for the sport. Now, don't get me wrong, in my case I don't need to appreciate it, for I actually enjoy watching the odd game or two. But, I don't believe I'll be parting with £40+ per week to go down to the football club to watch the game live. But I'm more than happy to join my man down the local and chug down a Corona and watch the footie up on the HDTV.
But fret not, why worry? We now have one day a week where we can spend 40 guiltless pounds on whatever we have a passion/ desire/ need for and no, it's not saving for a season ticket for ourselves for the 2010/ 11 premier league... it's shopping! And Coffee! and Pampering! with our girlfriends!
As our men get themselves ready on a Saturday morning we have a WHOLE day to do whatever we like! We can go for a morning jog, have brunch with our best girlfriends, shop in Windsor (or in my case, window shop), have coffee in Starbucks and get home just in time to welcome our men home with arms wide open to congratulate them/ consolidate them over the game result. Having quickly popped on the Chelsea TV to know EXACTLY what happened and WHY that player got sent off and WHO scored that AMAZING goal.
See where I am going with this?
And the men shall realise, wow, football is great but I'm glad I have my lovely wife/ girlfriend to come home to after a hard day at the ground. And although the man shall never openly admit it to their partner, they will come to realise that in time, although their team may have their ups and their downs, their girl will always consistently be there for them when they get home, a smiley, happy face and they shall turn to one another and whisper, "I know I say that football is the most important thing in my life, but i really mean that my woman is". And the men shall nod, in agreement.
We can but dream. Coffee tomorrow girls?
As of tomorrow, Wives and Girlfriends relationships with their Husbands and Boyfriends, all over the world, will take on a new dimension.
Tomorrow, the Premiership begins.
Tomorrow, us lovely ladies, the ones they wine and dine, that they lie in bed with on a Saturday morning, that they make love to and tell that there is nothing more that they want/ love/ need in the world, will fade into the background and become, the second most important thing in their partner's life.
No one can quite prepare us for the change ahead. Try as we might to be involved in the football - we'll watch the highlights, text our boyfriends for a score update, listen to them rant and rave about the referee's poor judgement over a red card, nod in agreement and frown in confusion, attempt to remember who plays which position and what that bloody off-side rule is. WE (the female race) shall not compare with that of their team. Or in my case, the mighty Blues, Chelsea FC.
What can we do over this 9 month period of time, where our once beloved partners disappear for days, evenings at a time and return to us, beer-bellied and full of testosterone?
Not a lot, just wait for that day in May to finally arrive. NO. You're wrong my friend!
Well for one, perhaps we could try and appreciate our partners love for the sport. Now, don't get me wrong, in my case I don't need to appreciate it, for I actually enjoy watching the odd game or two. But, I don't believe I'll be parting with £40+ per week to go down to the football club to watch the game live. But I'm more than happy to join my man down the local and chug down a Corona and watch the footie up on the HDTV.
But fret not, why worry? We now have one day a week where we can spend 40 guiltless pounds on whatever we have a passion/ desire/ need for and no, it's not saving for a season ticket for ourselves for the 2010/ 11 premier league... it's shopping! And Coffee! and Pampering! with our girlfriends!
As our men get themselves ready on a Saturday morning we have a WHOLE day to do whatever we like! We can go for a morning jog, have brunch with our best girlfriends, shop in Windsor (or in my case, window shop), have coffee in Starbucks and get home just in time to welcome our men home with arms wide open to congratulate them/ consolidate them over the game result. Having quickly popped on the Chelsea TV to know EXACTLY what happened and WHY that player got sent off and WHO scored that AMAZING goal.
See where I am going with this?
And the men shall realise, wow, football is great but I'm glad I have my lovely wife/ girlfriend to come home to after a hard day at the ground. And although the man shall never openly admit it to their partner, they will come to realise that in time, although their team may have their ups and their downs, their girl will always consistently be there for them when they get home, a smiley, happy face and they shall turn to one another and whisper, "I know I say that football is the most important thing in my life, but i really mean that my woman is". And the men shall nod, in agreement.
We can but dream. Coffee tomorrow girls?
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Maybe I won't... (make your wishes come true)
Aiyo. Just a quick line, uber busy today (with what you might ask? God knows!). The interview yesterday was probably the hardest interview I have ever had in my LIFE. 4 pages of questions they asked me - FOUR!
All my close friends rang to ask how it went, all I said was that if i get the job, it will be based on my pure enthusiasm rather than skill. I am smiling to myself really, it was bad - heehee. I'm in a good frame of mind lately so it's not too worrying. GETTING the interview at least raised my spirits.
I'll know later this week or early next week but I don't hold high hopes, but it's OK. Back to the drawing board.
Plus I know The Secret now... (further blog to come) so everything will turn out just fine, I'm sure.
All my close friends rang to ask how it went, all I said was that if i get the job, it will be based on my pure enthusiasm rather than skill. I am smiling to myself really, it was bad - heehee. I'm in a good frame of mind lately so it's not too worrying. GETTING the interview at least raised my spirits.
I'll know later this week or early next week but I don't hold high hopes, but it's OK. Back to the drawing board.
Plus I know The Secret now... (further blog to come) so everything will turn out just fine, I'm sure.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Make Wishes Come True
Friday turned out to be quite the day. Not only did my shipment come through in all its glory, but I got a call from Make A Wish Foundation offering me an interview for tomorrow. MAWF are a charity who organise "wishes" to come true for Children who are suffering from incurable illnesses/ life threatening conditions. The role I have applied for is "volunteer coordinator" which will involve working from their head office and travelling around the country to regional offices coordinating the volunteer projects to raise money so that children may be a pop star for the day or meet their favourite celebrity. I'm really excited! How rewarding would this job be?
I have to do a 10 minute presentation on how I will communicate and work with the regional offices. I started working on it yesterday and have the main core, today I will get my head down and work on the exact wording and presentation of my ideas. I feel quite confident with my ideas so far, it's just it will be a complete career change for me so I'm just praying that my enthusiasm, personality and strong will, will carry me through to success.
"WISH" me luck...
I have to do a 10 minute presentation on how I will communicate and work with the regional offices. I started working on it yesterday and have the main core, today I will get my head down and work on the exact wording and presentation of my ideas. I feel quite confident with my ideas so far, it's just it will be a complete career change for me so I'm just praying that my enthusiasm, personality and strong will, will carry me through to success.
"WISH" me luck...
Friday, August 7, 2009
Santa Claus is coming to town!
I would just like to inform you that my shipment from KL arrives today between 12 and 4pm and I cannot express in words HOW excited I am! After a great run with my sister yesterday and despite yet another rejection for a job (sob) knowing that my worldly possessions arrive today has given me something to be excited about - I can't wait... my beautiful MAC, my amazing books, my beautiful photos, my art work made just for me, my clothes, my shoes and shoes and shoes! My laps, my juke box! Ooooh! :)
You're not my (Facebook) friend
About a year a go, a friend (who i considered to be once, very close to)"removed" me as a friend. How might you ask, can someone "remove" you as a friend? Did she phase you out? Stop texting you? Never call? Never join you for a drink at Starbucks? Well, yes, all of those things, but then, one day (whilst facebook stalking her) I realised, I had been removed, deleted, erased.
At the time I was completely upset by the matter, but truth be told, the girl had been acting kinda strangely and there were some things going on in her life which I believe lead her to disconnect herself from not only me, but many people in her life. So after some time, I built my bride, cried the river and got over it. Done and dusted.
But just the other day I too had reason to remove a "friend". I put friend in inverted commas because it was a guy I met about 3 and a half years ago when I first moved to Hong Kong. We met through an Ex-pat Group and hung out maybe a few times (a few nights out on the piss, bowling with a group of friends, maybe a hike and a coffee) and then he moved back to the UK.
Of course, about 6 months later Facebook evolved and soon people from her, there, past, present, contacted me to be a "friend". So initially, like most people, I was suddenly "friends" with people from school who I hadn't seen in 5 years, girls from my dance school, who I hadn't seen for 10, long distant family members I had never even met... (whoooole other story). And of course, the HK chappy, requested to add me and I so kindly obliged by "accepting".
Over the last few years he would occasionally write on my wall, comment on a photo or status which was fine, but after a while it began to annoy me. Comments like "oh how i miss your lovely smile" when I thought to myself, do you really, actually miss my smile? I mean, do you actually sit and think "Gosh, I really miss her smile today". I probably never even smiled at you anyway! And making strange comments on my status about my personal life which to be fair, he knew nothing about, was kinda.. icky.
So I thought to myself, do you know what, I'll just delete him as a friend, whilst "filtering" my friends last week, and removing people I have now realised probably only added me to have a nose in the first place. So I did it. I thought he probably wouldn't notice. I mean, I have over 300 friends, I really wouldn't notice if someone I hadn't seen in years didn't come up on my news feed. Well, now I have filtered, they wouldn't be on there anyway.
But low and behold this morning I have a friend request, from HIM with a personal message that reads "You deleted me. Sniff sniff :(". WTF?
Firstly, I realise he must have actually been stalking me (as suspected) to notice that I deleted him within a few days of doing so and secondly, why would you reduce yourself to asking someone to re-add you AFTER they have deleted you?
Now, you may be thinking "what a complete bitch" but truth be told, I don't really care what you think but now of course i am stuck with what to do. Do I message him back and say, look, i found some of the things you wrote on my facebook a bit insulting/ weird/ rude/ stalkeresque OR do I re-add him with a "Whoops! My bad!" and add him with a privacy setting so he can never comment again (dammit, should have done that the first time round!) OR do I just ignore his request??
In reality (yes, the real world, where real friendships actually exist where you can't just DELETE some one with the click of a button, try as you might) the chances of me seeing him ever again are slim to none and, I don't WANT to BE his friend... so how?
Please advise. How would you feel if someone you only met half a dozen times and will never see again DELETED you? Quite frankly, I couldn't give a toss. Am I a bitch? Yeh, maybe.
At the time I was completely upset by the matter, but truth be told, the girl had been acting kinda strangely and there were some things going on in her life which I believe lead her to disconnect herself from not only me, but many people in her life. So after some time, I built my bride, cried the river and got over it. Done and dusted.
But just the other day I too had reason to remove a "friend". I put friend in inverted commas because it was a guy I met about 3 and a half years ago when I first moved to Hong Kong. We met through an Ex-pat Group and hung out maybe a few times (a few nights out on the piss, bowling with a group of friends, maybe a hike and a coffee) and then he moved back to the UK.
Of course, about 6 months later Facebook evolved and soon people from her, there, past, present, contacted me to be a "friend". So initially, like most people, I was suddenly "friends" with people from school who I hadn't seen in 5 years, girls from my dance school, who I hadn't seen for 10, long distant family members I had never even met... (whoooole other story). And of course, the HK chappy, requested to add me and I so kindly obliged by "accepting".
Over the last few years he would occasionally write on my wall, comment on a photo or status which was fine, but after a while it began to annoy me. Comments like "oh how i miss your lovely smile" when I thought to myself, do you really, actually miss my smile? I mean, do you actually sit and think "Gosh, I really miss her smile today". I probably never even smiled at you anyway! And making strange comments on my status about my personal life which to be fair, he knew nothing about, was kinda.. icky.
So I thought to myself, do you know what, I'll just delete him as a friend, whilst "filtering" my friends last week, and removing people I have now realised probably only added me to have a nose in the first place. So I did it. I thought he probably wouldn't notice. I mean, I have over 300 friends, I really wouldn't notice if someone I hadn't seen in years didn't come up on my news feed. Well, now I have filtered, they wouldn't be on there anyway.
But low and behold this morning I have a friend request, from HIM with a personal message that reads "You deleted me. Sniff sniff :(". WTF?
Firstly, I realise he must have actually been stalking me (as suspected) to notice that I deleted him within a few days of doing so and secondly, why would you reduce yourself to asking someone to re-add you AFTER they have deleted you?
Now, you may be thinking "what a complete bitch" but truth be told, I don't really care what you think but now of course i am stuck with what to do. Do I message him back and say, look, i found some of the things you wrote on my facebook a bit insulting/ weird/ rude/ stalkeresque OR do I re-add him with a "Whoops! My bad!" and add him with a privacy setting so he can never comment again (dammit, should have done that the first time round!) OR do I just ignore his request??
In reality (yes, the real world, where real friendships actually exist where you can't just DELETE some one with the click of a button, try as you might) the chances of me seeing him ever again are slim to none and, I don't WANT to BE his friend... so how?
Please advise. How would you feel if someone you only met half a dozen times and will never see again DELETED you? Quite frankly, I couldn't give a toss. Am I a bitch? Yeh, maybe.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Leave me alone
Everything is an effort. Although I'm happy, everything seems so tiresome and hard work. Even when I'm at my happiest, I get accused of being moody or irritable or erratic. Which I am, all three, but trying very hard not to be.
Even when I'm smiling I get told it's a fake smile. Sometimes it is, but inside there is a real smile trying to come out. When you wind me up just for kicks it pisses me off. When I try to do something nice because i care, it comes across as not being genuine.
I know who i am, stop trying to make me be someone i'm not. I can look after myself, I have always looked after myself. Even all those years before i went away, I was never looked after, i always supported myself. I might not have done it well, I might have mucked up along the way, but inevitably i got there.
I know you care but stop making me feel so useless. I know what I'm doing, everything will work out. Stop pressuring me, let me do what I want, let me live my own life. I can't report to you, you do not own me. I can respect you but I will not live the life of a child - i do not need nurturing. I need to be left alone.
Give me some space, let me breathe.
In other words, just occasionally, fuck off and leave me alone.
Thanks.
Even when I'm smiling I get told it's a fake smile. Sometimes it is, but inside there is a real smile trying to come out. When you wind me up just for kicks it pisses me off. When I try to do something nice because i care, it comes across as not being genuine.
I know who i am, stop trying to make me be someone i'm not. I can look after myself, I have always looked after myself. Even all those years before i went away, I was never looked after, i always supported myself. I might not have done it well, I might have mucked up along the way, but inevitably i got there.
I know you care but stop making me feel so useless. I know what I'm doing, everything will work out. Stop pressuring me, let me do what I want, let me live my own life. I can't report to you, you do not own me. I can respect you but I will not live the life of a child - i do not need nurturing. I need to be left alone.
Give me some space, let me breathe.
In other words, just occasionally, fuck off and leave me alone.
Thanks.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Stuck in Limbo
Oh what a week. This week I would say I have been pretty much unbearable to be around. My positive happy attitude went AWOL and my emotions went from wonderfully and blissfully happy to i-hate-you-fuck-off minute by minute.
I just wrote a whole blog entry and deleted with the click of a button, my writing sucks today, head still isn't in the right place to write coherently.
Perhaps it was the shoulder I cried on last night, perhaps sometimes crying releases more emotions than writing. Just occasionally.
I was worried I'd lost a part of me but perhaps I haven't lost it, perhaps I'm just sharing it with someone for the first time in a long while.
I'm writing bullshit today. My general wonderingments are all askew.
Gimmie a few days. I'll be back.
I just wrote a whole blog entry and deleted with the click of a button, my writing sucks today, head still isn't in the right place to write coherently.
Perhaps it was the shoulder I cried on last night, perhaps sometimes crying releases more emotions than writing. Just occasionally.
I was worried I'd lost a part of me but perhaps I haven't lost it, perhaps I'm just sharing it with someone for the first time in a long while.
I'm writing bullshit today. My general wonderingments are all askew.
Gimmie a few days. I'll be back.
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About Me
- Bubs
- Surrey, United Kingdom
- "I have found that if a problem rears its head, the best way to deal with it is by being highly emotional, inconsistent and super irrational and the problem tends to go away..."