The Break Up Hangover

Gargh! Everywhere I look there are frickin buses. Buses, buses, buses. But none of them are stopping at the destination I want!

Last night we went to one of Blank’s events, I nearly lost it. It is so obvious that I am still in love (yes, I said it) with him.

The moment I saw him I just melted, I don’t know what it is, but it tears me up inside. It seemed every time I looked up I caught him looking at me and suddenly he would divert away making me feel like the one who was looking for him.

Every now and then we seemed to bump into each other, make small talk etc and I carried on with my night, dancing a ridiculous amount with Bombies, picking up new gay friends and bumping into friends that I didn’t even know were there. It was a really good atmosphere and good fun.

Later on in the evening a guy approached me at the bar and asked if I worked out at Fitness First, transpires that “when you work out a lot, you notice the regulars” (I’m a regular! Ha!). Anyway this guy and I (I have no idea what his name was I THINK I remember but it was so loud I couldn’t quite grasp it, let’s just call him GYM2 guy) got chatting and he seemed really nice. We kept bumping into each other and passing exchanges of cheeky comments. I hope I see him at the gym sometime soon. What is it about the gym? I mean dam, I look rough as anything when I work out. If a guy can like you when you’re all hot and sweaty then heck, I feel flattered. But then maybe that’s it – the hot and sweatiness! Well, whatever turns you on :P

Later on the club got raided (HOW under 18’s school discoesque?) and Blanks came over to our group, he plonked himself next to me and we got chatting. He put his arm around me, giggled with me over some stupid crap, and we shared a cigarette (no I haven’t started smoking again, just a social few) our heads were about an inch apart, I swear, there was a moment where I was THAT CLOSE to kissing him but I just had to stop myself, it would have been a bad idea, plus the fact that he would have probably been like “Um, hello? Can you kindly remove yourself from my lips please? Thank you.” Anyway, I told him I could do with a friendly face because of the shit going on at work and said let’s get coffee next week. As we all left an hour or so later, he told me to call him.

Earlier in the evening I confessed to Bombies that I was still “in that place” and it’s killing me. As the tears welled up Bombies yelled “OOOOoooh no you don’t. No, no, no” Haha, made me laugh and it worked too, I sucked them back in. It felt good to talk to someone, even if it was just for a few seconds about how I feel.
I just find it so bizarre that I’m so hung up on him.I know I’m over the initial shit but it’s this lingering around period I’m not enjoying at all. Don’t get me wrong it’s not occupying my mind 24/7 but it’s definitely something that is there like a little piece of torn skin on the roof of your mouth – if I could just stop tonguing it, it would probably heal.

I mentioned it to my sister on the phone earlier and she said well, perhaps that’s because you’re growing up and your feelings for someone now in comparison to a relationship you may have had a year ago are magnified and more intense. You can say that again.

They say that in order to get over one guy you need to start dating another. Although I don’t want to get over him (I personally wish I was under him right now) I’ve gotta do something, I can’t keep going on like this. Harboring feelings for someone that doesn’t want me, it just hurts too much. Plus, I feel like a complete and utter loser! It’s not to say that I wouldn’t mind dating NEW guy, GYM guy or GYM2 guy it’s just… they’re not him.

Maybe if HE could just do the following then MAYBE I could get over it:

1) Not look at me when he thinks I’m not looking at him
2) Get a bad hair cut or have his eye brows shaved off
3) Wear awful clothes
4) Put weight on and grow man boobs
5) Be really obtuse and horrible and not speak in English
6) Move country

Is that so much to ask?