He's just not that into you

Ergh I hate being single.

Ergh. I hate break ups more.

Ergh. I feel like my blog is really negative lately.

But whatever.

So it’s the weekend, I went out with ABC last night and it was really good catching up over carb-fest carbonara, a couple of glasses of wine and a few cigs. She talked about her man (of 8 years, where is this going yadda yadda yadda) and I talked about Blanks (yadda yadda ergh).

This morning I went for a really good work out and awaited to hear from ANYBODY to confirm brunch. Catmachine had suggested we were going last night, but she overslept til like Cat hours. Bombies and Mr J were engaged elsewhere. So I called Panda (who by the way has not even called me since Blanks broke up with me) and she says oh hey, yeh I’m going to Lucky Garden er er (oh yes, there it was. And so… it begins) with Blanks. So I hastily ended the call. Then 36 invited me for brunch. So I decided to join her and her family. THEN 36 calls me back and is all like oh yeh, um, I’m meeting Blanks and Panda at Lucky Garden you wanna join? Do I wanna join? Do. I. Want. To. Join. ER NO.

So there I sit, feeling like a dick. It’s like when Ross and Rachel break up and suddenly everyone has to share their time out between the two. Except in Friends it’s funny. In reality its just plain McCrap. So in the end I decide to clear out my kitchen. Fuck eating, I don’t wanna get fat anyway :P

So then 36 is all, lets meet for coffee later. Whatever.

So then a few hours later I get a text, hey, you wanna meet separately or join us for coffee as Blanks is with us. Gargh! This is so poo. I’m kinda thinking, I’m so not ready to see him yet but in the few hours I’d been in my apartment, I’d decided to fill two bags up with all his crap. His precious Hennessy glasses, his book that he left in my bathroom and never actually read (partly because he neglected to come over and spend time with me in the last month), his coffee cup he brought over (when he practically moved his life in), his collection of DVD’s he always promised we would watch together and never did (including Down With Love, which he’d been trying to hunt down for ages and I got him as a surprise, which subsequently we never watched either), some clothes, misc items etc etc) Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. You're thinking I'm bitter, aren't you?

So I thought hang on a min, yes, I’m gonna go meet them, I’m not having this chump whip my friends away from me (ok I know he isn’t but of course when you’re going through break up that’s how you feel) so off I trotted and turned up. I was gonna have to face him one day or another. Might as well be now.

Awkard awkard awkward.

I made a real effort to be normal, I was ok, I asked him how his work was going etc etc of course, (as in the whole time in our relationship, and I am not lying) he neglected to ask how I was. Although, I suppose it would be inappropriate:

Blanks: “So how are you?”
Bubs: “Well I’ve just had my heart ripped out of my chest, shoved into a blender and smeared all over my bedroom wall. But other than that I’m GREAT. Thanks SO much for asking!”

Thank God he didn’t ask.

36 and family left, and Panda got up to get a drink, I was nearing the end of my coffee and Neighbour calls me to meet up, thank god. So I turn to Blanks and tell him I have his stuff in my car and can I give it to him. He tells me his car is parked like way over the other side of Bangsar, so I just say ok we can sort it out in a bit. I then make small talk, awkward, stupid small talk. Panda returns. So I finish my cig and get up to go, and say, so your stuff? And the dick says “My car is really full right now…” I just say ok lets sort it out another time. Dam. Why didn’t I come back with some edgy line? Bah.

So I left and I felt pissed off and angry that he got like the final word and I dunno, I moved onto the next phase – Anger (I need to look up the stages of bereavement, work out where I’m at hehe) and I thought, like hell am I gonna drive around for the next year with his crap in my car. I noticed Panda’s car was parked near mine so I call her and ask her to come out, she does and I ask if she wouldn’t mind taking Blanks’ stuff (it was either that or dump it on the street, which I thought might be a little bit immature) so she does and I feel better. I also knew it might hurt him, I’m hurting, I want him to hurt too – is that saddist or just part of the healing process?

And so then I went off to meet neighbor, had a strong drink, more cigs (man I have GOT to quit) and we had a real giggle. My mind was distracted for two hours, the feeling was great. You gotta love friends.

But then I got home, put on SATC and had H’s words running through my head “Bubs, you ARE Carrie, this is not the end for you”. Where is my Mr. Big eh?

I am craving someone to hold me, someone to kiss me and tell me that I’m beautiful all those things I want from Blank which he never did.

God. I think about our relationship and well, can you ever even count it as one? What planet was I on?? In 4 months I can actually count the number of times we “kissed” on both hands. The number of times we lay in bed and cuddled on one. The times he told me I was beautiful, never. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD am I a bloody idiot??? What the heck is up with me? Tell me again why my heart is breaking?

I just finished a book, it’s called “He’s just not that into you” I was reading when Blanks texted me to come meet him (so he could break up with me). This is what I learnt:

1) I was in dating limbo
2) A guy who can’t even extend to you the energy of a phone call. Why would you want to chase that down?
3) A man who likes you wants to spend time with you
4) If he can’t lay down one stupid brick, you ain’t never gonna to have a house, baby
5) Missing someone is a sign of a healthy relationship
6) Men are never too busy to get what they want
7) You’ll never see you hating yourself for calling when you know you shouldn’t have (with a guy who’s really into you)
8) It’s hard to know exactly when to cut loose and move on
9) When a guy’s behavior starts making you feel bad about yourself – when he starts making you suffer, that’s when you’ve gotta get out.
10) A constant state if uneasiness because he’s totally unreliable? That’s bad.
11) Dating him is supposed to make you feel better, not worse
12) If he’s not calling you he’s not that into you
13) You deserve a fucking phone call
14) Men who like you, they want to touch you, always
15) If a man really likes you, nothing will stop him from being with you – including his fear of intimacy

Oh and the list goes on and on and on. In conclusion, when Blanks dumped me. I stopped finding (or tried to) excuses, the truth was, he just wasn’t that into me.

My oh my, I’m so down. But the tears won’t come out. I hate my subconscious, sneakily hiding away my true feelings and telling my brain that I’m OK when I’m not.

But seriously I look at all the reasons above and its like, why? Wwwwhhhhhhyyyy do I feel like this?

I’m just gonna keep reminding myself that it’s only 6 days now til I fly to the UK and will be surrounded by my family and friends who love me. OK now I’m crying, albeit just two mascara filled tears but it’s better than nothing.

Also I have 97% fat free ice cream and a tub of ben and jerrys in my freezer. Please disregard my earlier comment of “I don’t wanna get fat anyway”.

I’m reaching for the Ben and Jerrys.