Faking It

Today we had all the family over (+ Mr Big) for a gathering. It was great to see my cousins, my Gran and my extended family all together. My Step Dad (Papa Dob) even put on a video of us all from Christmas 1994 when us cousins were doing a "Show" involving singing, dancing, juggling - it was really funny. I was so embarrassed though, I physically turned away from the screen when the camera zoomed in on me, and everyone "awh"ed. haha.

It was hard work though, especially with my Gran who turns 90 next year. She is totally amazing and I admire and love her SO much, we always have long chats and I could spend hours with her, listening to her funny stories from back in the day. But today she must have asked me (and I'm not exaggerating on this occasion) over a dozen times "When are you coming home?" at first I joked and laughed it off and said "I'm home now" (smile). But after a while, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said once again "Please come home, I worry about you so much" and started telling me about how sometimes she calls out for me in the night, thinking I'm sleeping in the next room or gets up and starts to make me breakfast - it broke my heart. Eventually I told her "One day, I promise".

What made it harder is that she kept saying, I don't worry about your Sister because she has Billy* but you're out there on your own. I tried telling her that just because someone is on their own doesn't make them any more unsafe or unhappier than a married person (smile), but I guess she comes from a generation where marriage = happiness. I know that all she wants is to see her Grand Children settled down and "happy" (married) but I can't live my life for other people's dreams, I have to live it for my own.

Even worse, she would turn to Mr Big (she's known him as long as I have) and say, "Tell her to come home would you, she'll listen to you" and he just turned to me and said "Come home". It was SO hard, and it wasn't like it was just them, I felt like that was all that was on people's mind. Even my Mum said to my family when she thought I was out of ear shot "Just because I don't say it, doesn't mean I don't want her home too". In fact, on second thought, she knew I was just within earshot.

I feel like I'm punishing those closest to me, but at the same time, the more they wish for me to come back from my "jolly" the more it makes me want to stay away. I can't explain why, it just aggravates me. I feel like no one understands my life, what I do, why I enjoy it so. Even Mr Big turned to me and said "Well, what's so special about Malaysia then?". Even a man who has been in my life for over 8 years doesn't seem to understand me. I replied "I don't know". Perhaps I don't even know, myself.

How can I tell them that I want to live in Malaysia, indefinitely. Or else, anywhere BUT here?