7 heaven toilet do's & don'ts

OK, clearly my "quick cycle" setting on the washing machine isn't all that quick. And rather than blogging enthusiastically at work tomorrow when I should be tearing my hair out over maths and insurance terminology I'll blog about toilets in Malaysia and why they annoy me. i raised it with friends over supper tonight and it was comical. This was what I had to say:

1) The hose. Why oh why in God's name do they have the frickin hose? I mean, yes I get it, it's something to do with Muslims and hygiene or something. But ladies, if you are going to hose down your vagina, hose down your VAGINA not the entire cubicle! Wipe the dam seat after so that I don't get a wet bottom when I sit on it after you. And get it IN the toilet not on the floor - I don't want soggy trouser hems.

2) Squatting ON the toilet seat. IF you INSIST on squatting to take a crap flippin well do it over the HOLE provided especially for you weirdos that don't like to take the pleasure of relaxing your calf muscles and pooping like a NORMAL CIVILIZED HUMAN BEING!!! I don't want to go to take a dump and see your FOOT PRINTS on the seat - what the fuck is wrong with you?

3) Toilet paper - or lack of. Are you that much of a pikey that you would steal paper from a public toilet to save money on paper for your home? Yup that's right, in Malaysia, or ASIA, you have to take toilet roll from the office TO the toilet. The worse part is under judging how much paper you might need. Everyone knows that from time to time you go to wee and accidentally a poop takes you by surprise and pops out. Best be safe and take the whole role with you.

4) Sanitary bins. Just HAVING ONE will do. I personally don't enjoy taking my tampon applicator out of the toilet with me and putting it in an open bin (hence taking the whole roll, and wrapping it up in excess tissue so some poor unfortunate soul doesn't catch an eye of it). Additionally ladies, I know that for some reason you enjoy wearing sanitary towels (nappies) but please do as i do and wrap it up and put it away - ergh.

5) I KNOW you're pooing. And playing music from your mp3 player on your phone only makes me listen out for your plop more. You can try and make it splash in time with the beat but the odds are, it won't. Plus, are you seriously telling me that you're gonna wipe your arse and then hold your phone in your hand BEFORE you wash your hands?

6) No you won't because many Malaysians don't wash their hands! I am witness to this EVERYDAY. Wash your hands la - you disgust me!!!

7) If you are only going to provide squat holes please can you put markings as to what angle your feet should go at because I always get wee on my foot. My bad. Thank you.



A nice toilet on top of Mount Kinabalu, Borneo. Which I took, for your visual pleasure.