Feeling all philosophical

It's been a busy week, but not a stressful week. Busy weeks I can handle. I even managed 4 personal training sessions this week and with my fourth one this morning I dragged myself in, full of cold and with a chesty cough - exhausted! I imagine the last few weeks have finally taken their toll and landed me with a cold. But it's OK I don't feel like death, it's manageable. I'm taking lots of rest this weekend and am NOT SMOKING!

It's been so nice having some order back in my life, it's amazing how just half a dozen runs in a week and a half have started to pull my body back into shape again. Not that i have any form of eating disorder to draw on, but most people who know me well enough know that being comfortable in my body makes me a happier person. I am happier when i don't feel "fat". So i feel a bit better about my outside appearance this week. I have been making a conscious effort to cut crap out of my diet and eat responsibly. When I put my mind to it and do it, I do generally feel better.

Last week held a spot of bother, or "blogther" if you will, which resulted in me having to change my blog title and address for fear of being "discovered". Even though I want to be free and write whatever I fancy, i realise that it's not that easy. The last few months have been hard on me and i know at times i have written aggressively. So for now i remain even more anonymous with a silhouette picture and no other name to go by, other than the infamous "Bubs".

I discovered in the week when managing to catch A&F for dinner (i know, i actually have a social life again!) that they are returning to Norway in August. Hearing them process their thoughts aloud was encouraging. It's funny, for them, moving back home is not a failure, only time to move on. I wish i felt the same and to be fair, i am getting there. I guess i had it in my head that i would be an expat for ever and if i returned i would have failed. Failed what? People do this all the time, secondments and what not and they return. I need to get over myself! :P

I know deep down in my heart that if this itchy and torn feeling remained I couldn't go on, wondering what grown up life in the UK was all about. I have never lived in the UK as an adult. I pretty much left the UK in 2004 with my backpacking and then only returned a short while before moving to HK. So it is actually going to be a whole new adventure.

Although I'm not pining all my hopes on Mada and I working out, a part of me really really hopes that we can at least give it a go. I can't imagine, right now being with anyone else and so, i hope we can at least try. Saying that, despite returning to the UK I'm not entirely sure if I will settle down there straight away. Although it will be my base at the moment I'm thinking I will take a week or so out to get settle and see friends and family etc and then I would like to take some time out with either travel or community work abroad. I know Mada would love to do it too but he has his head fixed on doing things in a certain order first. We are very different like that. Perhaps I can coax him into spending just a few weeks "my way" just to see how life can be lived when you're just that little bit more carefree than society expects you to be. I want a house too (haha am i contradicting myself?), but I'm coming to realise that these things take time and all will fall into place. Somehow.

Everyone, despite what they have, has an element of wanting more, or doing better, or trying something new. I think it's in our nature. And I think I will always be one of those people, ever curious, ever wondering what more is out there. Why are some people just born restless and others are satisfied with what they have hu? Which is better, the drive to have more or the content to live your everyday life as it is laid out for you? Some times I wonder. Actually i lie, frequently, I wonder.

I'm feeling OK, although knowing that I'm returning only makes me want to get that ball rolling, undoubtedly the next few months are going to be restless but I hope they will be fun too! In one sense i just wanna get back to the UK but in another I want to hold onto my home, here, as long as possible. I may only have a handful of friends (literally) but they have been good to me over my time in Malaysia and I'll be full of sorrow to part with them. I hope that in a few years from now i'll be a little more settled and less "itchy" (haha so I DO want to be one of THOSE people, eventually) and that they will come visit me and I can be proud to show them how my life is in the UK.

My Equinox said that often I concentrate so hard on planning the future that I forget to live the now. I think it's very true. But sometimes you can't change a person's nature. When I reach my next plan will I stop planning or will I plan more? Or is that what life is all about? Trying to work it all out and finally, you reach 80 years old and you think, well, that wasn't so bad.

Despite all the turbulence I have endured (a large proportion self inflicted) I know when I'm 80, I'll have a tale to tell. I'll probably still be complaining that I never went to that place and I never did that though... that's just me.