Saturday, January 31, 2009

Completely & Utterly mortified!

Oh my Dear God. The worst thing in the world just happened to me!!!

Just so you have the full story, when at lunch with A&F today i ordered a latte. They had no skimmed milk so I thought never mind, i'll have a regular one. After i drank it i remember saying to A&F that the drink made me feel a bit "ergh" and perhaps it was too creamy for me.

For the rest of the afternoon i felt a bit nauseous but thought nothing of it and came home and had a nap to sleep it off. I felt OK, got ready and went to Phutre (club) with friends.

As i stood drinking a vodka lemonade i said to my friend that i felt a bit sick and was gonna go to the toilet for a while, i sat on the loo aimlessly looking around the cubicle waiting for the feeling to pass but slowly sweat started to trickle down my back and me knowing how my body works, knew that in no time i was going to be sick but nothing happened.

I pulled myself together, ran my hands under the cold water, re applied my lip gloss (which I found in my bathroom btw (lost it last week)) and went out to the club. I stood drinking water and turned to my friend and said that i ought to go and he said yeh you look a bit pale let me walk you out.

As i turned to go, suddenly, i thought FUCK i'm going to be sick, NOW. I turned to him all flustered shouting "Shit! Shit! I'm gonna be sick! Quick! WHERE???" But it was all too late. I quickly turned to what I thought was a dark corner and threw up all over my pretty (dry clean only) dress, my legs, my feet, and of course the clubs newly refurbished carpets and wall. oh. my. god. My life, is officially, over.

I stayed crouched whilst my friend who very sweetly held back my hair ran to grab tissues whilst people walked by yelling "ahaha stupid drunk white girl!" MORTIFIED!!!!! It's not like I could say "Actually, I'm sober but i don't usually take full fat milk!!!" Aiya!

As it transpires I was not only in the corner of the club but a WALK WAY between clubs but not only that, I had chosen to puke... Under... a spot light!!!!

I looked up at my friend saying what shall i do (and carried on yelling shit! shit! shit) and he just said quick get up just make a run for it so out we went with sick still coming out of my nose and on my hands (more mortified-ness) outside i felt better but was so traumatised by the whole ordeal that i choose to drive home, where I have subsequently just puked again, but this time, in my toilet.

I will never, ever, set foot inside that club again. Nor will I ever drink full fat milk/ cream/ lattes.

i'm shagging my hairdresser

Met up with A&F for lunch at La Bodega, Pavilion today, was fun :) 'A' was complaining about having to "confront" her hairdresser about the way he cut her hair last week. She said she knew her hair the best and he wasn't listening to her. Funnily enough, we have the same hairdresser and I said I felt the same last time I went. I really wanted mine cut a certain way and he was just like, "No". Mah. I said to 'A' I was considering changing hairdressers, but I am a firm believer that once you've found a hairdresser who can cut hair vaguely well (this is Malaysia and I'm sorry to say but they only know how to cut "Asian" hair) listens to you and you feel comfortable enough to speak up to, stick with him.

And then I laughed and said that I felt a relationship with your hairdresser is much like sex with a partner. You meet, and through the first "consultation" you get to know what each others basic needs are (what you want as an end result and what he will do to get you to that "cut" perfect). Then he makes his move. The first time is never really "perfect" he doesn't really know the way your hair "sits" and the end result is, satisfying enough, that you go back for another "hair cut" but definitely needs another few "consultations" before you're really satisfied with it.

So the next time you go back you feel like you know each other a bit better and you make small talk and he begins to "experiment" a bit more and you begin to feel generally more comfortable and can tell him "more" (cut off the length) or "faster" (if you're in a rush to get back to the office) or "not like that" (if you're dissatisfied with his approach). And so it goes.

At first he might take offense (as in mine and A's experience) but eventually, he will see that if he does what you ask, (after-all you know your "hair" best) then eventually you will be "happy" with the "hair cut".

So, if you feel the first few times you have a hair cut by a hairdresser that it was "ok" but "could be better" don't just give up - work at it. TELL him where to move his scissors and how dark you want the dye.

Eventually you'll get the haircut you want. And, if you never really get that perfect "haircut" then look around, eventually you'll find the perfect... "hairdresser"... :P



By the way, I wanted a flippin fringe... next time!!! Or else I'm dumping him!

Friday, January 30, 2009

No title

I am literally sitting at my desk, sobbing. How did I let it get this bad?

Hold That Thought

Next time, before you go to criticise someone, or moan about them, slag them off, or shout at them, just pause for a millisecond longer. Does that person really need the blow you're about to give them? Can you bite your tongue, can you inhale some nicotine or shove your fist in your mouth instead? Be it a stranger or a friend, think before you speak.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

See.... its all in the stars!

Mrs K just popped up on skype and gave me today's horiscope (God knows where she got it from, some msn site or something) but it's very fitting! I laughed...

You might not be sure about your new direction at
work, but don't let that stop
you from showing up with a positive attitude
and doing the best you can. Your
sense of identity could be muddied now by
all the amazing possibilities that you
see around you. The problem is that
turning a dream into reality isn't as
straightforward as you think it should
be. Take it easy on yourself; your path
will clear in time for you to arrive
at your designated destination

.

Ironically I was really up beat and positive at work today (apart from the ADHD
incident, which is usual). Last night my "adopted" parents were trying to give
me advice on my work situation and I turned to them and said just let it go, I'm
fed up of searching for the right thing, it's gonna come to me. I can feel it!
(I was BSing of course, I had a headache from their "advice" but a part of me
hopes that things will just "fall into place").

I have ADHD

Sitting at my desk, office oh so silent, except for the pushing of keys and shuffling of papers. I have this insane need just to blurt out something really loud! Like a "mah" or a "waawaa" but I can't. It's unprofessional and immature but... i.. just... can't keep... it... in! Dammit. I've even put music on to drown out my thoughts of letting any noise release from my mouth.

Perhaps I have ADHD afterall. Look at the symptoms:

Adult vs. childhood ADD / ADHD

The symptoms of ADD / ADHD change as someone with ADD / ADHD develops from a child into a teenager and then into an adult. While the core problems of hyperactivity, impulsiveness, and inattentiveness remain the same, the specific symptoms manifest differently. Typically, the symptoms of hyperactivity decrease and become more subtle, while problems related to concentration and organization become more dominant.

Hyperactivity in adults:
inability to relax - i NEVER relax (well except when I have time)
restlessness, nervous energy (oh oh! that's me but mainly cause of work and boys...)
talking excessively (there is no denying this symptom)

Impulsiveness in adults:
volatile moods (I do swear when i'm drunk)
blurting out rude or insulting remarks (SEE!!! As above!)
interrupting others (can't help it, always have an opinion that matters more than yours or a more interesting experience that happened to ME that i MUST share immediately)

Inattentiveness in adults:
“tuning out” unintentionally (i tune out everyday!!!! whenever someone boring talks to me.. gee... this is getting scary)
inability to focus on mundane tasks (hello, like now, trying to do my office job and i can't focus!)
constantly losing and forgetting things (can't for the life of me find my new lip gloss i bought at the weekend)

It's official, I have ADHD. Whatever next?

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Closing the gateway to my heart (until further notice)

It's the end of the Chinese New Year looooong weekend. I have to say I've REALLY enjoyed myself, I didn't party, I didn't even make it to church on Sunday, but i think my body was calling for recuperation. I wakeboarded (i should say MIND needed recuperation) with Shrek which was SO much fun, went to the butterfly park with Manc which was just a cute fun (GIRLIE) day, relaxed in the sun (and burnt in places that i couldn't reach with sunscreen - boo), had meals with friends (caught up with A&F twice - insane!), SLEPT an INSANE amount and dabbled with work (just finishing some last bits now). I feel relaxed, it's a good feeling.

The only thing that rained on me was bloody Mada. We had an argument over msn last night (yes, mature, I know) where he suddenly starts telling me how he doesn't want a relationship with anyone (yes he's said this before, but how can you say such beautiful things to a person and then reject them in such a callous way?) when eventually I told him it hurt me that despite all that he says, in 3 years he hasn't visited me, do you know what he says? "I do want to visit you but KL doesn't really rock my boat" Oh. My. God. HELLO? Do I not rock your boat?? Isn't it about seeing me? Does he seriously think I'll give up my whole life for him and show me no kind of commitment by not even visiting me? (owch, my heart just broke) The long of the short of it was I ended up saying that I was so angry that I couldn't even bare to talk to him anymore and to not bother replying. And he didn't. I'm angry, but this is Mada, this is 8 years repeating itself over and over. But i foolishly thought this time was different. Bah! (angry angry angry).

So i've decided to shut my door to love, for now, i cannot physically go through anymore SHIT from men this year. I have had enough, oh, and did I mention that BLANKS then rang me (which i didn't answer) because i can't stand the thought of seeing one more stupid boy EVER EVER AGAIN! Men are stupid. Idiots! Bah! (I am laughing btw, I know I'm being melodramatic)

Oh and of course, as I type this, I get the following email from Mada:

--------------------Subject: :o( I know i'm not your favourite person right now but I really do miss you. I'm so sorry if i've hurt you Katelin. Please forgive me. Your Mada XxX

PLEASE drama just leave me alone OK? I just want an easy life, just for one weekend, quit hassling me!

I give up. All access to my heart is denied until further notice from Management. Thank you.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

This is me, now.

Finally, I have had time to read through my Character Portrait and by making notes of the key things that stood out to me, (whether I agreed with them or not - most of which I did!) I hope that it can give me some ideas as to how to move forward with life, give me an insight and some motivation to do something great! I've been reading it through and literally spent hours making these notes and they are certainly striking a chord or two in my heart. Not everything is listed only what i see as relative now or potential relative. 

* for humor purposes everything in bold is what I laughed out loud over, simply because I couldn't get over how right it was or that it really meant something to me! the rest i simply nodded at and said to myself yup, thats right ;)

- stubborn when pushed
- you are drawn to complicated individuals 
- when you say something, people listen. If they don't you feel ignored and hurt
- you thrive on telling amusing stories when you have an audience
- very observant of human nature
- you're a wonderful story teller
- your personal creative talents and unique identity are vital assets that can make your fortune
- there is a mature and serious side to you
- you have the confidence and a fair measure of common sense to be able to cope in most situations and meet your obligations
- people generally admire you for being trustworthy and be support when it necessary
- more prudent than cautious
-  you have vitality and a strong competitive spirit
- if challenged you become very pushy and uncompromising
- your best method of defense is offense
- natural leader though your certainties can leave some people thinking you are arrogant and headstrong
- there is a great deal more to your personality than meets the eye
- you have great strength
- at a time of crisis you can actually feel more confident
-  few things can stop you reaching your goal if you're prepared to put your mind to it
- often you take decisions on a hunch
- at times your confidence and vitality can be low for no apparent reason
- you have a sense of self doubt and delusion as to who you are in a relation to other people
- sometimes you project a false image to other people and sometimes lack the realism to judge other people and their true nature
- in one sense its positive that you seek out the good in others but it also means that people can take advantage of this compassionate side of you
- you have talents on arts, drama and maybe clairvoyance
- from your earliest days the security of your home is an emotional issue
- much needed security came from your Mother with whom you enjoy or enjoyed quite a close relationship with
- you were and still are very sensitive to changes in the domestic atmosphere
- you may well be drawn to a home near water
- whatever the location... a home gives you a sense of belonging you badly need
- you like to look after people but also like to be cared for
- your ability to voice feelings through the written and spoken word can be excellent if you put your mind to it
- you have a wonderful way of recounting ordinary day-to-day events as an amusing never to be forgotten anecdote with choice words and imitation of expressions
- your letters flow with feeling
- you are natural at building up an easy communicative rapport with people it you want to get close to them. you can make a person feel at home and enjoy listening to you
- you have an uncommon commonsense using the memory of experience from the past to take day-to-day decisions
- the way you think tends to be very methodical
- if news is complex you try to "buy time" to process your decision
- have have patience to listen carefully and follow an idea through
- unsurprising you are most comfortable with basic concepts and natural processes
- once you have grasped a concept you retain it well
- though slow to make up your mind, once you have made a decision no amount of rhetoric or clever argument can sway you. in this sense you are consistent and a little stubborn
- after a while your brain switches off. frequent changes of plans and schedules are frustrating for you
- the way you communicate and the flow of your messages that comes from you is a key part of your personality. though you can express your thoughts well, the quality of what you articulate says more about you. shallow remarks or blurting out the first thing that comes to your head is only going to lower your self image
- you are the way you think so its your thoughts that make you special. the connection between your ideas and your sense of belonging is strong. when your thoughts are questioned you feel that the challenge is directed at you as an individual
- if you meet someone and they fail to ask about you or show much interest in your life you can be quite put out. you find your life, your encounters, your journes or the book you are reading most interesting - or at least, you can make them sound like they are! This comes from your ability to observe all that goes on around you.
- curiosity keeps you going
- if your environment is not full of change, then you are off changing your surroundings on  short trip or an errand.
- people find you trustworthy and can read you like a book
- combined with your business instincts this trust is your skills will prove to be an assett in business
- you have an interest of diet and health and incorporate this into your daily life
- provided a subject has relevence interest to your personal life, you can and probably do talk at length. but to be fair, you can also listen and respond well
- you can explain matters with care, forethought and understanding
- you can communicate with children on the same wave length as you
-  you're a romantic heart
- you're loyal, providing there is mutual respect and admiration
- admit it flattery will get your love everywhere!!
- besides dramatic love affiars you enjoy entertaining
- fancy dress as well as the arts and theatre has a paricular appeal
- your taste is clear for the big, bright and dramatic
- being a homemaker is one of your attractive features
- squalor or a hostile environment upsets you
- the pleasent atmosphere and condition of your home is essential for your happiness and peace of mind
- your home is a place of both pleasure ad if neccessary withdrawal to nurture yourself if the world feels too harsh
- you enjoy sharing your home with someone you love or you might invest in a property with a partner
- this artistic and affectionate side to your nature comes throught from your parents, probably your Mother
- as a child you have been the one who brought harmony into the family without taking sides
- you enjoy nostalgia
- others are drawn to you for the love and emotion and happiness you so readily provide
- you have a love for children
- in social situations you are good humored. this talent helps you to deal with people and will make you socially popular
- in a relationship you seek equally fun loving types
 - you have an excellent sense of rhythm. music and dance are a good outlet for you
- originality and improvisation in art forms is one of your best talents and you should use it
- you are very sexual and manage to keep it in good taste
- to assert yourself you use you mind and sharp wit
- when under fire you can be very articulate and if necessary cutting. so sharp the victim may not even feel the knife
- whilst you run mental rings around most people, you do enjoy sparring intellectually with someone who is on your level
- the buzz of nervous energy keeps you moving forward from one activity to the next. 
- you avoid repetitive tasks
- your way with words is an attractive quality you bring to a relationship
- being motivated to be financially self reliant and independent, you are prepared to put in the necessary work
- you are capable of running your own business
- you have strong values
- you can earn money rapidly but you spend it just as quickly - an impulsive buy happens in seconds but may not prove to have lasting value
 - if you see something you want you will work hard enough to get it
- you are generous. with any gift or favor you expect thanks rather than feedback
- because lending possessions can lead to damage and hassle you may have established a policy of never lending but sometimes giving instead
- when pushed too far you may kick over a flower pot... you may even hurt yourself as a way of venting your exasperations to avoid this a fast intensive workout session or a jog helps you a lot
- another important outlet for energy is sex
- hot blooded, you tend to rush in, head first as you just cannot wait and must do things now
- luckily you have the stamina to withstand such exertion
- you seek challenges
- much of your outlook is built up from first hand experience, traveling throughout the world, living out different lifestyles
- life and the world is for exploring
- you have a thirst to learn about life
- most of what you discover reaffirms your faith in human nature and enriches your generous and trusting spirit
- because you seek so much in people, it is possible that you have several significant companions during your life
- a great benefit to you is the growth of knowledge through a union with a partner from overseas or a partner who has had a very different life experience to you
- you encourage luck by being open, friendly and expecting the best in a person
- there is potential for a virtuous circle here - the more you give the more you expect in return
- as a seeker of truth, you trek all manner of "least trodden" paths from atheism to Christianity. there is a radical revolutionary side to you that work to your advantage
- you have an enthusiastic thirst for knowledge
- travel abroad tends to be unusual, unexpected, yet enlightening
- a born optimist, to you, every cloud has a silver lining
- you are quite lucky when it comes to home and family life. benefits came from your Mother
- one of your greatest fears is to be considered unjust, rude or to incur social disapproval
- talents you may wish to consider exploiting include your flair for negotiation, handling personnel and long term contracts
- you are too much of a perfectionist and either too demanding of your staff or unable to delegate jobs
- life to you cannot be lived lightly on the surface. periods of isolation and intense contemplation will help strengthen you
- much secrecy surrounds your innermost thoughts and plans
- you may have changed your whole field of business at some stage in your life... you are seeking a field that has more truth to you, more rewarding emotionally and one that gave you more meaning and purpose
- you should apply your talented imagination to solving painful problems or in an artistic way such as photography, writing or music
- you have a strong urge for the freedom of speech, to travel, to experience and explore life first hand
- people find you very friendly and your magnetism rather exciting. you get on well with all sorts of people in a relaxed open-minded way. however the restrictive and routine aspects of a conventional relationship aren't as easy to cope with.
- generally you're very much in tune with the most enlightened ideas of your age group.
- whenever you go abroad, it tends to be at short notice with several surprising changes of schedule and experiences; occasionally unsettling, but always uplifting
- the thought of the future gives you a tremendous and constant buzz; though the present never turns out to be quite as rewarding as envisaged. Perhaps you're too busy living through your next plans in your head, to take head of what's happening now!
- sometimes you feel quite drawn to an unusual lifestyle, to move away from the "nine to five" existence.
- you have a caring attitude towards your friends who can give you a sense of security
- your worldview is based more on fantasy than fact, but you have great spiritual faith
- travel to exotic places appeals to you. overseas you feel as if you have escaped into another world and yet you can feel out of your depth or may have certain phobias
- you may well travel for compassionate reasons. helping others in need around the world has much appeal.
- adopting realistic, common sense view of religion you take other people's spiritual views seriously.
- because you can be so compassionate and soothing, people are drawn to you for sympathy, an enticing, even divine quality about you can at times be source of worry
- your father has been in a world of his own or absent in one sense
- the indecision between being selfless and looking after number one is a dilemma that you often have to face. this is most evident when people let you down or turn out to be unreliable in some way, after appearing to be so perfect.
- you would resent being manipulated by authority figures as may have occurred or at least you felt happened in your dealings with your father. certainly your relationship with him reached at least one big if not several crises in your formative years
- your well-developed gut instincts make you highly resourceful. ferreting out secrets comes naturally to you.
- balancing the sacred with the profane will stop you from day-to-day dreaming your life away and chasing after impossible moonbeams!


I feel like someone has watched my life for the past 25 years and handed all of their research to me on a plate. I feel like this has captured a whole lot, yet there is so much more to be said and understood! The accuracy of this is uncanny. You might think, yes but surely she knew about all of this already? Maybe. But I'd say it's only help me confirm my doubts and realize my potential in life! Now, time to use it to my advantage and keep on moving up! 

Saturday, January 24, 2009

I feel your pain

Today was interesting. Shrek was visiting from Perth and so after dinner and drinks last night with a few friends we decided to go Wake boarding today.

I picked him up from his hotel at 10am and we drove up to the Mines Resort, the sun was out, we had iced lattes in the car, the music blaring and the windows down and whizzed down the empty highway of KL.

I've only wake boarded once before, but I use to ski, today I spent my whole time boarding and managed to master a few tricks like going out on the wake, turns, board grabbing etc - well it was a good start. I only stacked it a few times and fuck me did it hurt. But having skied before I know that you just have to laugh it off and get straight back up again. I'll suffer the consequences tomorrow no doubt, at present I can't turn my neck to even check my blind spot when driving - whoops.

Shrek is an awesome boarder and can do jumps and twists, wish I could be that good! Shame none of my friends here are remotely sporty as its quite expensive to do it for an hour on your own (plus you'd be exhausted)! I forgot how much I loved this sport. Maybe even more than running... is that possible???

After boarding and a well deserved beer, we went back to his hotel pool and ate lunch, swam and sunbathed.

We had a heart to heart which continued on until later in the night after we had dinner with friends again and we sat in the car outside his hotel for quite a while. Basically Shrek is in exactly the same position as me, he feels like he doesn't belong and he is searching for that special someone to complete him, but he just can't seem to make it work. He's 38.

Shrek is an awesome guy, he's fun, he's sexy and a downright good person but I can't help but wonder why he can't hold down a girl. Perhaps he's a great friend but a shit boyfriend? Who knows.

And whilst I sat there talking about Mada and wondering aloud to him if I was letting love pass by me, tears welled up in his eyes. I felt so bad, here's me at 25 harping on about being so unlovable and unable to make a relationship work in the last 3 years, whilst he's sitting next to me telling me he's concerned by the time he does find the right women he may  have fertility problems. I chose to shut up and just listen after that.

I suddenly realised that there is someone out there who is feeling the same level of loneliness as me. I truly hope Shrek finds someone, he's there willing to give love but the pieces in his life just don't seem to fit. 

Shrek, if you can make a girls life anyway half as fun as the day I had with you, then you'd make just a fine boyfriend to anyone.

I called Mada on my way home, it dawned on me that after the chat I missed him and wanted to hear his voice. I heard his voice, on his voicemail. Then I hung up.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Things i like about you.

My Birth Chart arrived yesterday, Manc excited me into getting one done the other night when I stayed at her place. I've only skim read it so far and intend to read through it thoroughly now but it triggered a reminder in my head.

When it was my Birthday last year BD sent me an email and it was a list of all the things about me that she liked and it was possibly one of the most beautiful things any friend has ever done for me. The birth chart may tell me about me and I know, I'm going to be captivated by it but nothing beats the understanding that your best friend has of you.

So for a personal keepsake, here it is:

I like how you instantly brighten up a room when you walk into it
I like that you make me laugh
I like the way you write your emails in such a descriptive way
I like that you're so caring and thoughtful of other people's feelings
I like that you help me with make-up and don't make me feel like an incompetent retard :-)
I like that you are funny
I like that you say the things that everyone is thinking but would never, ever say
I like that you bring out my silly side and I can act like idiot and not actually care about it
I like that you take pride in your appearance but without being a barbie or looking like a WAG
I like that you rise to a challenge
I like that you are good with people
I like your cool and quirky apartment
I like that you're so adventurous (and am jealous of all the cool stuff you've done that I could never do)
I like that your clothes always look so well put-together
I like that you are a bit dramatic sometimes
I like that you are so welcoming to everyone you meet
I like that you will try new things
I like that you will tell people you need to poo
I like how you have faced and overcome the problems in life
I like your smile
I like that you are so close to your sister
I like that our step-dads are the same
I like that you feel comfortable enough to ring up and have a cry
I like that everyone who meets you loves you
I like that you're open and honest (but without being brutal)
I like that we can be good friends even without seeing each other as often as we might like
I like that you're brave even if you feel scared
I like your pretty feet
I like your patience with people
I like that you know when enough is enough
All in all.....
I like that we're friends :-)
 

She's a maniac

I just got home and I'm tired but I'm not ready to switch off yet so will blog about a few floaty thoughts that have occupied me today, including how the meeting went and how my day panned out.

The funniest thing happened earlier. I was on my way back to KL and the traffic was manic because everyone is fleeing the state for CNY. There was a lane of traffic going up over a bridge and it simply wasn't moving. After about ten minutes, I thought, "Fuck it" put the pedal to the floor and "created" a second lane! I've seen so many people do it and it irritates me like hell and today I was one of those irritating people!

The funny thing was, literally dozens of cars followed behind me, allowing me to beat the jam. LOL. Enough is enough, I really am becoming "Malaysian". Wahaha!

The time is now

It's my first meeting with BFM this morning, I'm a little bit excited and also a little bit nervous but not in my usual frantic way - I need to get more nervous - nerves push me through! It's like when I'm on stage, I only perform well when I get "the fear"! But it's OK, the butterflies are coming... as does the fear when I perform.

I've prepared a "teaser" with pictures as a thought provoker and am taking in magazine extracts and scribbles from my notepad. I'm dressed casually but professionally and pretty at the same time in a sweet top and beaded long skirt (a bit of a Malaysian look going on to embrace my inner Sarawakian side hehe) I'm just gonna give it all I can, but most importantly I'm going to be me. If I'm going to succeed in the things I want, I need to be me, the true me, and not what I think people need me to be. I've always prided myself on an image of "what you see is what you get" with life and I need to maintain this inner strength.

If I really want this truly, and it is God's will, then I will not fail.

Wish me luck! xoxo


Tuesday, January 20, 2009

I pray with a thankful heart

I hit an all time low yesterday. The family and friends that never fail me, were there for me. As always. But, I was inconsolable.

I cleansed my soul under a burning hot shower, red eyed, blotchy faced, tears still streaming, head pounding. I was so worked up I was sick. I felt like shit. I threw on an old skanky (but comforting) t shirt and crawled into my bed. Duvet wrapped around my whole body. I turned my head and stared at my bible, glowing hot pink under my bedside lamp. Can you help me? I stared at it for ages, flicked through pages, back and forth, didn't know how to use it at all.

I wearily reached out to my phone, text Bombies, help me, help me find the right words, the right passage to give me the inner strength that has turned sour and left me.

Romans 8: 18 - 39
Philippians 3: 12-21, 4: 1-9


I read through once, frowning as usual, eyes painful from crying, mind weary. Then I shut it and turned out the light. I lay there. Then switched on the light again, sat up and read again.

These words spoke to my heart, they were the words of encouragement I needed to pull me through. Perhaps they were the most uncomplicated, most straightforward but still, they are what touched me.

8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me — put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

As I type this, I blush. It has just dawned on me, that this is not the first time I have heard this verse. Someone once said it to me, a long time ago. I forgot. Locked it away. Curious that these words jumped out at me, was it in my subconscious? I didn't recognise them at all last night.

It was the first time I have turned to the bible in a time of desperation and the first verse that has ever given me strength.

I will always remember this verse.

I'm beginning to realise what it's all about.

Thank you.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

I love Webcams

Told Mada I missed his bottom today. This was the outcome. Gotta love webcams hu? Ooooooh that bottom! Delicious!

Shut that door!

Wow. Malaysians, gee they really do like to drag out a job hu? I got a call from my landlord at 10.00 this morning asking if someone can come up in 5 mins to fix my door that I have been complaining to him about for a year plus, but I was literally just about to go for a run. Do people not pre plan their time here? He said they could come back at 11.30 so I came back just before. At 12.00 someone eventually arrived, speaking no English (which I can't complain about as I don't speak Malay, so I shouldn't expect him to be able to speak English) with both of us trying to communicate exactly what the problem was.

So, he's been doing God knows what to my front door for the last two hours, drilling, banging, sawing, shaving, you name it. All the while his buddy is sitting across the way in the outside corridor chatting away and laughing. I wouldn't mind so much but I ran 10K this morning and have been in my stinky gym clothes for 4 hours and I wanna get moving with my day. I mean, is it really THAT complex? 4 hours... and counting...

OK, so he just finished and called me over for a broom to clean up the mess, I offered to do it myself (by pointing at me and smiling) but he insisted (by placing his hands where his heart were and smiling saying "Me, I will"). I found that quite endering.

I do think this is supporting evidence as to why I need a man however.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Handstands & Cartwheels



When we were drinking Starbucks at The Fashion Mall in Vegas, this song played on repeat over and over again on a mahosive screen advertising Ipod Nanos. The song drove us crazy as you could here it half way down The Strip day in day out, yet I hear it now and it puts a massive smile on my face - it's just too cute and reminds me of good times :)

I tried to do handstands for you
I tried to do headstands for you
Everytime I fell on you, yeah, everytime I fell
I tried to do handstands for you
But everytime I fell for you
I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue for you.

I tried to do handstands for you
I tried to do handstands for you
Everytime I fell on you, yeah, everytime I fell
I tried to do handstands but everytime I fell for you
I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue for you-ooh-ooh-ooh

For you-ooh-ooh-ooh
So black and blue-ooh-ooh-ooh
For you-ooh-ooh-ooh.

I grabbed some frozen strawberries so I could ice your bruising knees
But frozen things they all unfreeze and now I taste like.... 
All those frozen strawberries I used to chill your bruising knees, 
Hot July ain't good to me
I'm pink and black and blue for you.

I got bruises on my knees for you
And grass stains on my knees for you
Got holes in my new jeans for you
Got pink and black and blue

Got bruises on my knees for you
And grass stains on my knees for you
Got holes in my new jeans for you
Got pink and black and blue for you-ooh-ooh-ooh

For you-ooh-ooh-ooh
So black and blue-ooh-ooh-ooh 
For you-ooh-ooh-ooh

Do-doo-do-do-do-do-doo
Do-doo-do-do-do-do-doo
Do-doo-do-do-do-do-doo
Do-doo-do-do-do-do-doo
Do-doo-do-do-do-do-doo
Do-doo-do-do-do-do-doo
Do-doo-do-do-do-do-doo

~ you know, these lyrics remind me of a situation close to my heart...

Even though the stars are blind...

Just got back from drinkies and yummy desert with Manc. She's my only British "expat" friend in KL and its always good catching up with her, maybe it's because she's British, I dunno, or maybe its cause she likes her life to be as equally as dramatic as mine! hehe, either way, we both agreed we need to find more time to hang out together. Next week we're gonna have a girlie night at hers, get in our PJs, pig out on crap and watch a chick flick - can't wait!

Manc is really into astrology and stuff and being that we have the same star sign (Gemini, in case you haven't guessed already) she keeps me updated with what the stars have in line for me, hehe. Actually it's quite funny as a lot of what she said fits my lifestyle over the last couple of years.

She said the planet Saturn has been in our stars over the last couple of years and that it has been a couple of years of real challenges. Apparently Pluto comes into play over the course of this year so things SHOULD be getting easier. Gosh, it sounds like waffled nonsense when I try and write what she told me but it's all pretty interesting stuff.

Apparently July is gonna be all go - thank gawd! I'm so ready for the GO GO GO part and less of this BLEURGH stage.

Come on July!

SO True.

I forgot how much these little characters make me laugh - some times when I read them I feel like the creator just read my "pure thoughts" and transformed it into a cartoon of myself. I'm totally stealing it... seeing as it was based on me in the first place :)

I'm not listening to you.

Can you please stop talking in my ear so loudly. Your personal business is no business of mine. No one is interested in what you have to say, least not me. Yes, yes, tell me again but understand that I am not listening. I am nodding, like one of those nodding dogs you see on the dashboard of a car. Nodding nodding. Nodding some more. I wish I could stop smiling (and nodding) and just say, "to be quite frank with you, I'm not interested in a word you say. Now, if you wouldn't mind, please fuck off. thank you". But, I don't think I should. So I'll keep on nodding nodding.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

It's a Wonderful Life

As part of my thinking positively plan I've listed all the fantastic things I did in 2008 and all that I achieved and feel good about. I'm going to start planning out my final months/ year in KL so that I get the maximum out of this experience. As my Granddad infamously said: "Don't let the buggers get you down!"

Jan - Road trip to Las Vegas/ New Year in San Francisco with Shrub and Billy
Jan - Road trip to Melaka with F,K and A
Feb - Was struggling with life in KL so took a last minute trip to HK for the weekend
Feb - CNY, Singapore with A&F & K
March - Celine Dion Concert where I started a Mexican wave at it made it into the national paper!
March - Took a road trip to Cherating with the Ella Crew.
April - Climbed Mount Kinabalu!!!
May - Promoted to Claims Manager. Took Biz trip back to UK.
May - Girls Aloud Concert with BD
May - Opening of SQPR - the pivot point where I began to meet friends
June - My birthday went to HK and had a Junk Party with H which was awesome!
June - 36's pool party where I made friends and started to love KL.
June - Completed my first 10K run (Seimens, KL)
July - Melakka Road trip with Panda and friends
July - First Hennessy party, became friends with Bombies
August - Chelsea V Malaysia Match
August - Biz trip to Jakarta
August - Roof top pool party at my place for Panda's friend
August - Genting Weekend with Blanks, Bombies, Mr J and Chindian
September - 10K Run (Adidas, Sha Alam)
October - Started attending Church
October - Returned to the UK for my cousin's wedding
November - BD in KL
November - Holiday in Krabi, Thailandwith BD
November - offered work with BFM
December - Weekend in Singapore. Completed Half Marathon (Stanarad chartered) met up with H
December - Back to the UK for Christmas
December - onto San Fran/ Vegas for New Year

And my plans for 2009...

- Trip with H (so far we've discussed the possibility of either Jungle Trecking in Chang Mai or bicycling in Beijing!)
- Received call from BFM today, scheduling meeting for next week to start with station
- (Tentively) the FULL MARATHON 28th June KL
- The Rainforest Festival with my fabulous friends in Kuching (my 'other' hometown) in July
- Braces to come off November!!! Wahooooo
- To finally get that dam tattoo i've been harping on about for the last decade
- I wanna take a road trip to Penang at some point
- Plan ahead for 2010
- Move back to the UK
- To start looking into buying my own home (i can dream... right?)

See, look how upbeat and positive I am :D

- Oh and to get more sleep... night night...

Nearly half way... nearly!

I'm enjoying having my new I Mac, means I can spend more time writing at home when I can collaborate thoughts rather than gushing down randomly at work.

I had my braces adjusted today, I can't believe I've had them for 6 months now! Six! I'm practically half way through. Hurts though, back on the liquid diet now. I had a fruit smoothie for lunch and butternut soup for dinner (and now a can of diet coke! lol).

I had another new wire put on, again a bit thicker (marginally) to add more strength. The dentist actually pre-warned me that the next few days will be painful - thanks. We looked at my molds and I couldn't believe how much my teeth have moved - it's crazy! I'm looking forward to getting those old clays and the final clays at the end and showing people (not that anyone ACTUALLY cares!) how much they have changed. Honestly, the difference is insane.

We talked about the possibility of me leaving KL in the next 6 months which would be before the treatment is finished. Seems it's do-able. My dentist is going to look up clinics in the UK that use my type of braces. He said I can pay for all the brackets, retainer etc here so that the costs are cheaper, thus only having to pay for consultations in the UK. That's something I guess. He was really nice about it actually.

We're moving the treatment forward quicker (hehe cheeky me, thought he might do that) and so in 4 weeks time I'm moving on to the next horrific thing - elastic bands - aiyo! That involves having small bands wrapped around the back brackets. It helps move the teeth. I remember my friends having them as kids and how they snapped randomly in their mouths - great! Oh well, it's an experience hu - just think, 8 months time and I'll have a whole new mouth!

I must reiterate for any random who is reading this and considering braces as an adult. Do it! Once you overcome the initial horrificness (which will be worse if you are vain like me) it's OK you know. I mean it hurts every time they tighten them but in all honesty 80% of the time its pain free - bar the odd mouth ulcer and unattractive bit of spinach hanging out here and there.

I also had them scaled and polished. Crikey, I had no idea how "yellow" they'd gotten, they feel so smooth and clean now and look much brighter and fresher. This is really boring you isn't it?

Sleeping on my Friendships

I keep falling asleep at the wheel. It happened again this morning, I was going along very slowly as the traffic was busy. I was probably only going 30K but suddenly my eyes jerked open and my heart skipped a beat, I realised I'd just nodded off.

I sleep like a baby but I think I'm just mentally drained. That's the only explanation. I physically can't fit any more time in to sleep, in fact, I don't have time to sleep! Even if I come home straight from work its usually already 8 pm+. And if I work out first then its 9pm+. I need at least 2 hours to mellow out, eat, do some errands, shower and get ready for the next day.

I hope I don't sound like I'm complaining, I'm mearly blogging. Last night a friend text me saying that I should realise how "lucky" I am and that perhaps I've had my eyes shut for too long to the people around me and their circumstances and that I should basically appreciate what I have more. That really hurt. Because, despite all my woes, throughout my life, I have always prided myself on being a good friend to others. And if someone believes I'm not, then that hurts me bad.

But on the flip side, perhaps I have (OK I know I have) become too self involved of late. I'm so wrapped out in sorting out my own crap, perhaps I can't see the wood through the trees. I need to change my perspective, I need to get positive.

Just give me time OK, I'm trying. And if I have been a bad friend to you I'm sorry. I love all of my friends, and I want to be there for each and everyone one of them. Because everybody needs a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on and words to make you smile.

So please be patient with your friend, who I trust has never failed you before and is trying her best not to fail you now or in the future.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Nobody is safe out there... Nobody....

I purposely do not add my colleagues on facebook as I feel it is unnecessary for them to see their manager in the following:

- me CAMERA WHORING
- me CAMERA WHORING in a bikini
- me CAMERA WHORING when I'm drunk with tits and arse out
- me CAMERA WHORING ALL THE TIME

So imagine HOW happy I am when my colleague tells me that she is friends with one of my friends from Kuching, who is a professional photographer and who ALWAYS lets me camera whore EVERYTIME we go out???

Oh. Dear. Lord.

The things she will have seen... she was laughing and claimed that I am "cool" and that her and her Husband found the pictures hilarious and that she won't tell a soul.

Still I am mortified, completely. My reputation as a normal human being DESTROYED. I. Am. Traumatised.

So who do I tell? Bombies.

And what is my reply/ advice/ counseling:

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" x 1 MILLION

LOL. What will I do with myself? :):):)

The Ongoing Saga

Jeeeeeeeeesus I'm tired this morning, was up talking to Mada (I'm gonna stop using Big and actually use his 'pet' name I've used with him for the past few years) until about 01.00.

We talked about our situation... man, it's so complex. It's like we're both there, willing for it to work yet I live here and he lives there. It's not like I'm pining after him at all. In fact, for me, nothing has changed really, it's been on and off like this for so long it's nearly normal.

I did however tell him that my friend talked about setting me up with someone and I said no because I felt like I was with him, he commented that he met a girl last night but couldn't bring himself to hook up with her as he already had someone else in mind, except she lives on the other side of the world.

This is the first time, in all our years of dillydallying that we have both turned down the idea of dating someone else because of one another. It's very strange.

I wanna get back into my warm bed, switch on the air con, turn out the lights and snuggle up for another 2 hours. I wouldn't mind it if he were there too, keeping me warm.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Another Sunday...

Well, as expected I haven't been very proactive this afternoon. Having spent the last 4 hours updating my new I MAC with (I know, I can't believe it either) 9879 songs and THOUSANDS of photos - I'm shattered. Well I guess that is proactive, just not in the "making life decisions" way :P

As I did hope though, Church was ever inspiring. Something that stayed in my mind was learning to find the positive in the most dire of situations. Pastor Choo mentioned one particular phrase - instead of saying I am "stressed" we should think of it as being "stretched". I like that.

As I was speaking to my mum earlier on the phone I mentioned that I was still very stressed at work and immediately I vocally corrected myself and explained to her what I'd learnt today. She was surprisingly interested. And started saying how she would find out where the vicar who blessed her and my Papa at their wedding was at, as she thought if I moved back to the UK I'd find his services the most lively - I was quite taken aback. She actually LISTENS to me. How nice of her to think of that and take something that I had already begun thinking of, into consideration.

Bombies has invited me away with her family to Langkawi over CNY. As much as I'd love to go (as I'm ALWAYS in need of a holiday) I figure it would be a good opportunity to have some alone time, without distraction and spend time job hunting, updating my CV, relaxing at home, working out and generally get things moving. It's all fair and good that I am a "seize the moment" kinda girl but realistically I need to stop burying my head in the sand and get a wriggle on with things.

Mr J was funny today too. He does come out with some fairly odd comments at times but I can't help but look at him and think, how did you suss that out? He turned to me after Church and said, you weren't really with us today were you? Your head is somewhere between the UK and KL. Haha. Well he hit the nail on the head. I sat there in the service thinking about how much I'm gonna miss this place (look at me hey, I'm already talking like I've made a decision...) I was also thinking, whilst a couple gave their testimony, how much I would love to stand up there and give mine and give thanks for how much I feel the church has helped me in these few months.

Granted I may not understand everything, and I do find I sit there with a frown over my forehead mulling over certain terminology and statements made; I do feel like Church is something that gives me hope, energy, positivity and lifts me up when I'm down. Perhaps I don't get it entirely, but aren't these, the feelings you're supposed to get when you're in a relationship? And it is supposed to be a "relationship" with God so perhaps I'm half way to understanding. Perhaps.

Mr Big is online now and wants to talk (I should really give him a more original name, I'm hardly a creative writer if I'm stealing names from famous TV shows). The latest text message read "I miss you. I think I fell for you a little that last night before you went back to KL XXX". Aduhai..........

Friday, January 9, 2009

Decisions, Decisions.

Still at work 7pm on a Friday night, shit loads to do but taking a breather (one of many).

My MD called me earlier, this is what I jotted down in our conversation:

- There is no question over my performance at WR
- Its the UK who haven't got it right, not me.
- A lot of what I have done for the company has gone above and beyond their expectations
- They have full admiration for me
- I shouldn't feel trapped in the job

And last but not least, her best quote:

- don't feel like this is a life sentence.

Mah! That should be the quote of the year!

Well it's all good to hear and she wants to talk to me further in a few weeks time when she is in KL. All the compliments and good intentions to improve things aside; I've got to move on. I must concerntate this weekend and make a decision. I must.

We are Family... I've Got All My Sisters With Me!

In the UK an auntie is actually your auntie. I.E The SISTER or SISTER IN LAW of your Mother or Father.

In Malaysia, Auntie is used as a respectful term when addressing someone older than you.

Today my colleague's boyfriend rang and whilst speaking to Sue referred to her as Auntie. Sue was mortified (even though she is older than him and the address was, technically speaking, correct).

We all laughed so much and all day we've shouted "auntie" at her when we wanted her attention. The whole office has in been fits of giggles and what's worse, to wind her up more is that the rest of us are all referring to one another as "Sister" which is used in Malaysia as someone who is of the same age or younger than you!

That's something I like about working in Malaysia and my office in particular. In the UK all people do is sit in offices and bitch. I like how my colleagues work hard but when they have a giggle it's usually over something silly and innocent.

I wonder if it is like this in all offices or if I have just managed to employ particularly kind and sweet people? Whatever, I am proud of my team and proud that I judge interview candidates mainly on personality, because if you have a good strong and friendly personality, more often than not you'll get the job done and you'll create a nice working atmosphere for all around you, therefore making work a happier place to be.

(That totally contradicts every miserable entry I've ever written about my job, but you know what I mean)

Thursday, January 8, 2009

A Sigh of Relief

I can breathe again.

I went for dinner and a drink(s) with my boss NB last night and whilst I held my tongue for quite sometime, I eventually blurted out that I was really, really unhappy.

In a nutshell we talked for a long time and I was quite honest and frank with NB, and explained to him how unworthy I felt at WR. He looked at me sympathetically and oddly enough, not once did he argue with any of my points raised and finally commented that he was sorry that the company had failed me.

He asked me whether, if they made some changes at my request, would I stay past my contract and I shook my head. I told him that there had been so many promises broken by the company that I couldn't rely on that any more. I have tried with all my might and I am completely and utterly defeated.

We talked some more to which all was listened and I felt i was really understood by NB, to be fair he has always been the manager who has stuck up for me. We talked about the different ways I could resign and how I could get the most out of my situation.

I.E rather than giving 3 months notice, I offer 6 but negotiate having half of my bonus etc. I said I wasn't even sure if I could last that long but NB said when the finish line is in sight, it's easier than you think. I imagine he is right there.

I told NB that I didn't want my MD knowing I was on the verge of handing my notice in and asked for a couple of weeks to mull it over and make a confirmed decision. He said he would keep 75% of our conversation confidential and inform my MD of my great upset and that I am "considering my options". I trust him, I have to. I know I am overly trusting but I think that is something of my nature that will never change. I am an open book. Even if I hadn't have said a word, my eyes give away my feelings every time.

NB continued to finish the bottle of wine whilst I stuck to my two glasses as I was driving and he got suitably pissed. We then went onto another bar where I had a cappachino and he had a couple of beers. The long of the short of it is that it is more than evident that NB sees reason in all that I say and doesn't blame me for the way I feel, I could almost say that he was encouraging me to leave.


So today I do feel more positive and a weight off my shoulders has most definitely been lifted, now I feel like I have more of a structured plan I'm going to use this weekend as time to clearly think which step to take next. As I drove to work today I couldn't help but think how sad it will be to leave Malaysia (if that happens) but there are more blue skies ahead and clouds, with undoubtedly silver linings.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

The GPS System

I wonder if I have been fighting against the navigation system for so long that it's now really is, make or break.

I wonder if God's path is for me to return to the UK. All the signs are pointing that way but I'm trying my hardest to fight it.

To fight fate?

Perhaps whatever the reason I was moved here, whatever lesson there was to be learnt, has been learnt and He wants me to move forward to the next stage.

I can't think what the purpose of Malaysia was, is, but I know I have grown miles as a person. In fact now I feel like a woman, when I moved here, I was just a girl.

I know right now I can't see any good of moving back to the UK, but perhaps that's the point. Perhaps there is something waiting for me and I'll kick myself for not having returned sooner.

But perhaps that's all part of the plan.

I left my dream job in radio because I was depressed and couldn't handle day to day living. I choose to travel and fell in love with it.

When I returned I worked for WR as a temporary measure hating everyday and wondering why I gave up my dream.

Then finally the reason for WR came along, to prolong my dream of travel and I was whisked away to HK.

Just as I felt it was time to move on, KL came about and I embraced it with open arms for it seemed right.

I don't regret a single decision I made. But right now I'm so scared.

So scared of making a decision I'll live to regret. But, maybe once I've taken that step, this decision will fall into place, just like all the others did.

I must never forget my moto in life, one that has always been with me - Have Faith.

Given up

I am so down and out about work. I got in this morning and before I even open my mail I'm bombarded with crap. I feel like I just don't care. I don't care that someone has threatened to leave, I don't care that someone has offered to come in and do over time and that I should do too, I don't care that the stats report is incorrect, I don't care that we need to start on recruitment again, I don't care that cases haven't been monitored properly, I don't care that we can't compete with the UK's performance. I couldn't give a shit if someone has complained, I don't care that I haven't finished what you asked me to start. I DON'T CARE. I DON'T. The only reason I'm still here is because I'm completely fucked. If I was in my home country with family to rely on and a place to stay rent free for a month or so I would have left already. I would have left you with no warning and given minimal notice. And what's worse is that I know that YOU KNOW I don't care but you haven't even got the strength to raise it with me because you're SCARED that you'll lose me. But the truth is, you've already lost me.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

BLACK Tuesday

I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job
I hate my job

Kabul; Saib-e-Tabrizi

~ I just finished reading A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hossini on my back to the UK. The book is a beautiful one and if possible, I enjoyed it even more so than I did The Kite Runner (his first novel). Possibly because this time he concentrates on the lives of two women and their fight for survival in a man's world. I'd recommend it to anyone, it's one of those books where you can just feel every emotion the characters feel, it's so real, so well written. Below is the poem of which the book title is extracted from. I find it quite beautiful, that someone could write so passionately about the place they call home. And all of it's hidden secrets behind closed doors

Ah! How beautiful is Kabul encircled by her arid mountains
And Rose, of the trails of thorns she envies
Her gusts of powdered soil, slightly sting my eyes
But I love her, for knowing and loving are born of this same dust

My song exhalts her dazzling tulips
And at the beauty of her trees, I blush
How sparkling the water flows from Pul-I Bastaan!
May Allah protect such beauty from the evil eye of man!

Khizr chose the path to Kabul in order to reach Paradise
For her mountains brought him close to the delights of heaven
From the fort with sprawling walls, A Dragon of protection
Each stone is there more precious than the treasure of Shayagan

Every street of Kabul is enthralling to the eye
Through the bazaars, caravans of Egypt pass
One could not count the moons that shimmer on her roofs
And the thousand splendid suns that hide behind her walls

Her laughter of mornings has the gaiety of flowers
Her nights of darkness, the reflections of lustrous hair
Her melodious nightingales, with passion sing their songs
Ardent tunes, as leaves enflamed, cascading from their throats

And I, I sing in the gardens of Jahanara, of Sharbara
And even the trumpets of heaven envy their green pastures

Monday, January 5, 2009

Mini Panic Over

OK everyone calm down, caaaaalm down. I must just have a bug. LOL.......

"Morning sickness occurs in 50 to 80% of new mom's to be. It's unfortunate that for many, the morning sickness will strike all through the day and not just in the morning. Most cases of morning sickness start between the 4th and 6th week of pregnancy and lasts until the 14th to 16th week. An easy way to calculate this would be 5 or 6 weeks from the first day of the last menstrual period"

The baby WOULD be oh-so-pwetty though hehe :)

Blurgh

Sitting in the office feeling like my body is somewhere between -7, GMT and +8 - in other words, totally fucked.

I was sick as a dog on the airplane and because the toilets were occupied I had to puke into a sick bag in the aisle in front of the whole cabin - nice!

Still feeling nauseous this morning... slightly concerned.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

The "Chat"

Well my flight back to the UK was delayed yesterday so I landed at 4.30pm and was home and down the pub by 8.00pm with my friends for a catch up, it was good fun. So strange all the girls together for the first time in years. Our group have been friends since we were about 13, funny how all our lives have worked out.

Mr Big offered to drive me home and we went back to his for a while for a cuddle on the sofa and watched some TV together. We were mucking around and pretending to be "in love" I told him I thought about him every second of every minute of every hour whilst I was away, he told me he thought about me every 36 seconds. Then we had some "Hollywood Movie kisses" (it's where you pretend you're very passionate about one another and then say "Wow, you blow my mind" I know silly but well, that's us). I love being with him, for just those few hours every few months it's like I'm in a movie with the perfect man and feeling like I'm in the perfect relationship.

Then suddenly out of no where Big says how he wishes I was here always *gulp* and I say to him but yes if I were here, this wouldn't be this - so be careful what you wish for! Then he starts telling me off for never talking "seriously" with him and that I never talk, he always does, and I never tell him how I feel. Oh. Dear.

And so I told him, well if I were back, living here maybe we could take a shot and he seemed to like that idea although is still petrified of telling everyone about our sordid affair of 8 years (I suggested perhaps we don't mention that bit!).

Sigh, as he held me in his arms and kissed me with messy sexy hair and a cutsie smile he said "One Day Katelin, one day" - what does that mean?? Um. Hm.

Eventually I left at about 03.00am and crawled into bed but couldn't sleep for the dam jet lag, so I text him saying thanks for a fun night and that he could always be my little bit on the side and I pretty much got the same message back at the same time - hehe.

Ah well, life goes on. One day someone will knock our heads together and tell us to sort it out... one day...

Thursday, January 1, 2009

365 days to go...

2009 is finally upon us and I inhale it with a hope that it will be a good one. There are so many things that I wish for my future and I hope that some will come to light in the coming 12 months. My main priority this year is to sort out my career. Which of course will include where I lay my head at night... So let me rephrase that. My main priority this year is to decide where I want to live, ultimately.

After a crazy few days in Vegas which included bumping into (or rather, stalking) Nadine from Girls Aloud in Pure Nightclub and being asked to Heff's private party at the Playboy Club (yes, its true!) we flew back to San Jose to see the New Year in. We were all exhausted and so decided we would have our own party at Shrub and Billy's apartment. We bought lots of nibbly bits and drank copious amounts of wine. We also bought the American Idol Superstar Karaoke PS2 Game - it was SUCH a laugh. I don't think I've laughed THAT hard in quite some time! I can confirm that Simon Cowell thinks we're all crap and destroyed some of his favourite songs of all time! Ha!

It's been good spending time with the two of them, I've always felt comfortable around them and being here. Yesterday they both had to work so I went over the road to their gym and then out shopping - didn't buy much surprisingly! Was trying to trim the budget a bit this time round. Sort of wondered for a while what it would be like to live here - it's like the complete opposite to KL. When you approach a road to cross, cars actually stop and wait for you to cross the road - crazy! haha I couldn't get use to it and kept waiting at the curb for them to pass. But I like America. Everyone is so friendly with their "have a nice day!" its infectious. Although some times you doubt if its genuine, I'd rather someone say "have a nice day" and not mean it than say "fuck off" and do mean it!

I fly back to the UK today for a one night stop over. After a very enjoyable Christmas present from Mr Big on Christmas day *ahem* he has messaged me asking f we will be able to spend more time together before I leave. Doesn't look likely. I'm meeting up with all my friends tomorrow night and although he will be there too, I highly doubt he'll whisk me away to a nice hotel for a night of passion - haha. Although, if he were to, that would possibly finish off my holidays nicely!

Shrub and Billy asked me about Mr Big again. They laugh, they are about the only people of my UK connection that know of our on going, "affair" they can't make head nor tail of it either. Possibly because its like we're fuck buddies but we actually enjoy all the time in between together (as in the friendship part too) and that it has carried on like this for so long. But the truth is, if I were to live back in the UK it wouldn't work - I couldn't carry on being his bit on the side and seeing him EVERYDAY but for some reason being away and having the relationship we have doesn't seem sordid or dirty.

If it was just sex, would he touch my face and caresses my body in such a loving way, his body shake as he kisses my neck, would he whisper "are you OK?" in my ear and would he hold me in his arms and let me sprinkle his face with kisses afterwards? Maybe. But I know him. I still remember his words "you're the only girl who has ever given me butterflies in my tummy". He must have said that to me a dozen times *smile*.

It's so funny, as nervous as i feel when I'm with him, it never feels wrong. It always feels perfect, yet at the same time I have no desire to move back and be with him. Shrub reckons we're both just too nervous to let our guard down and say "hey, i love you, lets get together". I just smile and say yes I love him but we wants different things from life - it would never work. Besides, last year I asked him to come out for a few months and work from home in KL and he out rightly refused. He's safe, in England in his comfort zone and here I am travelling the world. But then perhaps that's what I need, someone to pull me into reality.

Well who's to say what the future may hold. it's 2009 after all ANYTHING could happen. But right now, I've gotta prioritise my life in KL and work out what the HELL I'm gonna do! I got 365 days left.... I'm sure I'll work it out... sure(!)

Signing out.

About Me

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Surrey, United Kingdom
"I have found that if a problem rears its head, the best way to deal with it is by being highly emotional, inconsistent and super irrational and the problem tends to go away..."