365 days to go...

2009 is finally upon us and I inhale it with a hope that it will be a good one. There are so many things that I wish for my future and I hope that some will come to light in the coming 12 months. My main priority this year is to sort out my career. Which of course will include where I lay my head at night... So let me rephrase that. My main priority this year is to decide where I want to live, ultimately.

After a crazy few days in Vegas which included bumping into (or rather, stalking) Nadine from Girls Aloud in Pure Nightclub and being asked to Heff's private party at the Playboy Club (yes, its true!) we flew back to San Jose to see the New Year in. We were all exhausted and so decided we would have our own party at Shrub and Billy's apartment. We bought lots of nibbly bits and drank copious amounts of wine. We also bought the American Idol Superstar Karaoke PS2 Game - it was SUCH a laugh. I don't think I've laughed THAT hard in quite some time! I can confirm that Simon Cowell thinks we're all crap and destroyed some of his favourite songs of all time! Ha!

It's been good spending time with the two of them, I've always felt comfortable around them and being here. Yesterday they both had to work so I went over the road to their gym and then out shopping - didn't buy much surprisingly! Was trying to trim the budget a bit this time round. Sort of wondered for a while what it would be like to live here - it's like the complete opposite to KL. When you approach a road to cross, cars actually stop and wait for you to cross the road - crazy! haha I couldn't get use to it and kept waiting at the curb for them to pass. But I like America. Everyone is so friendly with their "have a nice day!" its infectious. Although some times you doubt if its genuine, I'd rather someone say "have a nice day" and not mean it than say "fuck off" and do mean it!

I fly back to the UK today for a one night stop over. After a very enjoyable Christmas present from Mr Big on Christmas day *ahem* he has messaged me asking f we will be able to spend more time together before I leave. Doesn't look likely. I'm meeting up with all my friends tomorrow night and although he will be there too, I highly doubt he'll whisk me away to a nice hotel for a night of passion - haha. Although, if he were to, that would possibly finish off my holidays nicely!

Shrub and Billy asked me about Mr Big again. They laugh, they are about the only people of my UK connection that know of our on going, "affair" they can't make head nor tail of it either. Possibly because its like we're fuck buddies but we actually enjoy all the time in between together (as in the friendship part too) and that it has carried on like this for so long. But the truth is, if I were to live back in the UK it wouldn't work - I couldn't carry on being his bit on the side and seeing him EVERYDAY but for some reason being away and having the relationship we have doesn't seem sordid or dirty.

If it was just sex, would he touch my face and caresses my body in such a loving way, his body shake as he kisses my neck, would he whisper "are you OK?" in my ear and would he hold me in his arms and let me sprinkle his face with kisses afterwards? Maybe. But I know him. I still remember his words "you're the only girl who has ever given me butterflies in my tummy". He must have said that to me a dozen times *smile*.

It's so funny, as nervous as i feel when I'm with him, it never feels wrong. It always feels perfect, yet at the same time I have no desire to move back and be with him. Shrub reckons we're both just too nervous to let our guard down and say "hey, i love you, lets get together". I just smile and say yes I love him but we wants different things from life - it would never work. Besides, last year I asked him to come out for a few months and work from home in KL and he out rightly refused. He's safe, in England in his comfort zone and here I am travelling the world. But then perhaps that's what I need, someone to pull me into reality.

Well who's to say what the future may hold. it's 2009 after all ANYTHING could happen. But right now, I've gotta prioritise my life in KL and work out what the HELL I'm gonna do! I got 365 days left.... I'm sure I'll work it out... sure(!)

Signing out.